Adam's List (14 page)

Rejection teeters on the edge of my mind, threatening to destroy me. “You mean the kiss?” I manage to ask.
Does he already regret it?

“This,” he says, holding our hands up. “
Us.
I was under the delusion that we could take this trip together and just be friends. I didn’t want to fuck things up.”

My brain fogs over, reminding me why I’m sitting in my room and not in class. I lean my head against the couch, studying him. “I don’t see us being together as a
fuck-up
.

And there’s nothing wrong with us being more than friends.”

He rubs the palm of his free hand against his jeans. I realize for the first time he hasn’t changed since Saturday night either, but I don’t even care. It’s not like he smells bad or anything. But even if he did, I’ll take him any way I can. “That’s not what I meant.

Not exactly.” He displays another half-assed smile. “But I should’ve known better.”

Biting down on my lip, I try to hide my over-the-top excitement. “You should know, I’ve decided I’m going with you.”

His eyes pop wide as he inhales deeply. In this moment he looks so adorable, and happy, and lovable that I spring forward, kissing him before he can say anything. He’s quick to respond, putting his arms around my waist, and nudging my mouth open to slip his tongue in once again. Warm aches consume me as he arches against me. The kiss intensifies.

I could easily shut out the rest of the world and stay in the comfort of his arms forever. Our teeth click at one point as we eagerly devour each other, but neither one of us backs down. I straddle him and let my sexual urges take over. Even though I worry there’s still the slightest taste or smell of puke somewhere on me. Even though I won’t have sex with him right now because I don’t want him to see me as easy. Even though I’m afraid of letting myself fall for someone again.

His unshaven face is prickly, and I’m worried I’m being too rough with his lips until he moans when I nibble at them. My body throbs, wanting him to touch me. I grind against him as we kiss, unable to back down. I’ve waited so long for this moment. I slip my hand under his shirt, shivering with the feel of his tight stomach.

He recoils with a deep breath, disentangling himself from me.

“Shit. We can’t do this.” Gathering my wandering hands, he nudges me off of him and stands. Guilt ridden, his eyes dart past me. “I have to go.”

A vice grip twists at my chest. This is definitely the ugly face of rejection. I fight back the surprising need to cry, even though it’s been so long since my meds would allow me the luxury.
He’s
the one who approached me at the party.
He’s
the one who asked me to go on this trip with him.
He’s
the one who kissed
me
. Why is he doing this to me now?

“Is it because I threw up?” I ask quietly, wishing he’d look at me. “Did I do something wrong?”

“You didn’t do anything, Jewels. I just need some time to clear my head.” He turns his back to me, starting for the door. “Go back to bed and rest up. I’ll come check on you again later. Call if you need me sooner.”

For a drawn-out moment, he pauses at the door, and I think he’s going to turn around and tell me he’s sorry. But he turns the handle and disappears.

After the door closes behind him, I collapse in a heaping sob.

EIGHT

My junior year of high school, I made football cheerleading captain. This made the senior girls on the squad incredibly jealous. A few of them even quit. The ones who stayed in secretly plotted to get even, dropping me from the top of the pyramid during the halftime show on Homecoming night. Not only did I fracture my arm and have to wear a cast for the rest of the season, but I was completely mortified and figured it would be the catalyst for a downfall in popularity. At the time I didn’t know it would create an anti-bullying campaign among the seniors.

Jason and I had been dating for a few months before it happened. He was
livid
when he got wind that the “accident” was planned out ahead of time. Later that night after my trip to the ER, we went to his house instead of the school dance as it was my favorite place to escape everything, that night especially. His family had updated a really old house with a massive wrap-around porch where we’d sit on the swinging bench for hours, talking and kissing until my curfew. In those beginning days, we could never get enough of each other. Jason was a touchy-feely guy who always felt the need to hold me and stroke my arms, face, whatever was closest. He was still like that even after we had been dating for two years.

“They should all be kicked off the squad,” he told me, running his fingers above the bright pink cast on my arm. “Your coach should demand that they get OSS for a few days, too.”

“I get it, they’re jealous,” I said as I wiped fresh tears from my face. “If I was a senior I probably wouldn’t like someone younger telling me what to do, either. I should withdraw as captain and let one of them have it. Not like I’m going to be able to do as much with this dumb thing on my arm anyway.”

Jason gently turned me around so I’d be forced to see the concern washing over his dark eyes that were made even darker by his thick eyebrows and full lashes. He was boyishly cute with shaggy brown hair, a somewhat crookedly sloped nose, and a bright smile that was contagious. He was the type who could charm even the grumpiest of people with his upbeat attitude.

“Would you stop being so damn compliant? You worked hard for this, Jewels. You deserve it. Don’t let anyone make you think any differently. And whatever you do, don’t let them see you crying over what happened. I mean, it’s okay to cry, just save your tears for the really big stuff. There will be far worse things to come.”

It’s ironic how at the time, I couldn’t imagine there being anything worse.

Daylight evaporates as I wake sporadically, still sprawled out on the couch. Kelly comes in after class to ask how I’m feeling, or maybe I just imagine it. I don’t bother checking my phone for texts or missed calls until the room becomes pitch black again, bringing on another restless night.

Adam bows out just as I had expected, sending a message telling me it sounds like Kelly has things under control, and that he’ll stop by in the morning.

I must’ve missed a dozen calls from my mom that continue to go unreturned. While I can’t tell her what happened, I also know that if I keep avoiding her she’ll become upset to the point she may come over to check on me. But I don’t really care. I’m so hollow and empty that I feel like a cracked shell. The darkness consumes me over and over, bringing more nightmares.

Another morning comes, or at least I assume by the daylight trying to rip me from my cave. Time slips into a black hole. I only get up once or twice to pee. Kelly tries to wake me a few times. I hear the low tone of her voice as she talks to someone on the phone.

Later on, after I hear her say she’s leaving for classes, there’s a burst of knocks on the door. I stay curled up in a ball on the couch, imagining myself disappearing, physically becoming the nothing I feel inside.

I wake to find my mom looming over me, her features pinched, her voice agitated. I don’t understand her words as they spurt from her. Kelly stands a few feet behind, anxiously chewing on her fingernails. Something small and light is pressed into my hands, and I’m given a glass of water.

I don’t think, I just swallow it down.

My mom’s signature floral perfume invades my nostrils before I even open my eyes.

“Jewels?”

She pulls the blanket away from my head, forcing me to shield my eyes from the intrusion of a harsh light. Whether it’s the start of another day or just the light turned on in our room, I don’t know. I remove my hand, groaning.

My mom stands over me in high boots and skinny jeans with a dainty pink scarf draped over an ivory blouse. It’s something
I
would wear. Even her blond hair, one shade lighter than my own, is curled in the same twisted waves Kelly likes to give me for special occasions. I’m surprised she hasn’t had any plastic surgery yet to hide her crow’s feet, and attempt to be my
exact
twin.

“Jewels, what happened to you?”

My stomach twists. Kelly is no longer in the room. Just how much did she tell my mom? “I haven’t been feeling well,” I mutter, wiping at my face, and slowly dragging my feet to the ground. I don’t feel like functioning quite yet, but I need to put on a good show if I expect my mom to leave me alone ever again.

She reaches down to touch my forehead, her collection of sparkling bangles clinking against her wrist. “Why didn’t you call? You know the agreement. I had to take time off work to come check on you. Have you been taking your medication?”

“Sorry,” I say, although I don’t really mean it. “I’ve been sick. I guess I forgot to take it the last couple of days because I wasn’t feeling well.”

“You’re not running a temperature.” She sits on the edge of the couch where my legs were two seconds ago. “Is there something you need to tell me?”

I bristle. This is the part where she tells me I’m not ready to be ton my own, where she informs me she’s arranged for my things to be sent back home. She knows something’s off, and I have to provide her with a reasonable explanation to appease her worry. To keep her from thinking I’m so far gone that I need to spend a few days in the hospital again.

“I broke up with Levi.”

“For god’s sake, Jewels.
That’s
what all of this is about? Do you need to see Doctor Klein again?” She fusses with the blanket, her lips pulled down in a disapproving frown.

I sit tall, subtly shrugging her hands off. “I’m fine. I’m over him. I’m serious, Mom. I got this nasty flu is all.”

“Were you drinking?” she asks, her tone sharp. Her hazel eyes study me with a load of disappointment.

One of the conditions that my parents set for me to live in the dorms was that I can’t drink while on my depression meds. If she knew the truth, she’d be stuffing my things into bags with the speed of a Tasmanian devil.

“God, Mom,
no
. Can’t I get a normal cold like everyone else?” I lick my dry lips. “I’m going back to class today. I’m sorry you had to take off work. My phone died, and I was too sick to care.”

There’s another rapid knock at the door. I spring to my feet. My head still feels cloudy, but I’m focused on trying to look fine so my mom will just leave. I swing the door open to find Adam, looking like hell. Like someone ran him over. Twice.

He exhales deeply, his shoulders sinking. “You’re up.”

I pull the door up against my back. “My mom’s here,” I say before he starts in on what happened last time we saw each other. “I’ll call you later.”

“Who is it?” Mom calls from behind me. “Just because I’m here doesn’t mean you can’t have company.”

I press on the bridge of my nose, feeling my life spiraling out of control. Adam’s watching me with a concerned look, so I shake my head while opening the door farther.

He steps into the room, resting his arm on the curve of my lower back.
What’s with all
the mixed signals?
I want to snap at him, but I’ve already done enough to make Mom suspicious.

Adam greets her with his charming smile. “Hi, Mrs. Peterson. You’re just as beautiful as your daughter.”

It’s so obvious the way she looks back at him that he’s instantly made the lasting impression on her as he did on me. “Why, thank you.” She steps forward, her hand held out. “And who might
you
be?”

“Adam Murphy,” he answers smoothly, taking her hand. His dimples flare, sealing the deal. My mom’s a goner. I swallow down a groan.

“Funny, you haven’t mentioned anyone named
Adam
before,” Mom tells me as their hands separate. “In fact you haven’t been calling me regularly.”

My face turns hot. Will she launch into our agreement in front of Adam? “I’ve been busy.”

“Studying,” Adam adds. “Jewels and I have a few classes together. She’s either working or studying with me at the library.”

I eye him, shocked. He must sense that my parents have me on a short leash, even though I haven’t alluded to it in our conversations. And he definitely knows how to properly work my mom.

My mom giggles like a teenager, grinning at Adam from ear-to-ear. “Well, at least I know my baby’s in good hands.” Ugh, she’s actually flirting with him. She’s seriously beautiful for her age, but does she always have to act like she’s fifteen years younger around my friends? “What happened to your eye? That’s quite the shiner.”

I grow tense, silently begging Adam not to reveal the truth. But he’s too busy cranking up the charm. “Got elbowed by one of the guys shooting hoops. I see it as a reminder why I never went out for any sports in high school.”

Mom hisses through her teeth. “Ouch. Looks painful.”

Adam glances down at my yoga pants, the edges of his mouth twitching in amusement. “Are you wearing that to class?”

“No,” I answer quickly, running a hand over my hair. I must look atrocious once again after spending the last couple of days in a ball on the couch. “I have to shower.”

Mom sighs, as if I’m too much trouble for her to deal with. “Then you better hurry.”

“Go,” Adam tells me, motioning back to the hallway. “I’ll keep your mom company.”

He’s giving me an easy out. Adam knows that if the two of us act like we’re on our way to class, she’ll get out of my hair. I nod, darting around the room to gather my things. Just before I leave the room, I glance at Adam.

With his back to my mom, he offers me a warm, genuine smile. It’s a peace offering.

“You did not!” My mom yells as I walk back into the room. She stands
way
too close to Adam, laughing, one freshly manicured hand on his arm.

“What’s going on?” I ask, setting my toiletries down.

Adam turns to me, all dimples. “You look great.”

Affection pinches my throat. Although I didn’t want to waste the extra time, I dried my hair and curled it the best I know how without Kelly’s assistance. And I’m wearing makeup for the first time in
days
. The jeggings and loosely fitting top are Kelly’s, but super comfortable, and so me. I actually feel better. Refreshed. Like myself again.