All of You (57 page)

Kat flushed again. She averted her eyes to the floor and shrugged. “I realized you are not a person I can see myself with long-term,” she said quietly.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

She slowly turned to meet his eyes, her expression detached. Flat. “I think you are a great guy, Danny, with a lot of wonderful qualities, but you just aren’t what I’m looking for in a husband. And I didn’t want to lead you on by continuing a relationship when I have no intention of marrying you.”

When Danny didn’t respond, because he felt like she’d just reached down his throat, grabbed his heart, and yanked it back up his windpipe, Kat added, “That’s why I didn’t say anything the other night when you mentioned wanting to marry me. It was because I was already having doubts about…well…” She flushed. “Marrying someone like you.”

Very old, very deeply-buried feelings reared their ugly heads, turning Danny’s stomach and igniting his anger. “‘Someone like me?’”

She nodded slowly, prompting him to do the same.

“Exactly what the
fuck
does that mean, Kat?”

Kat didn’t reply, but Danny could think of a hundred reasons why someone like Kat wouldn’t want to marry someone like him, no input from her required.

Didn’t mean her realizing it didn’t sting like a motherfucker. And didn’t mean agreeing with her wholeheartedly was going to stop him from lashing out.

Danny backed up until he could lean his hip into the opposite counter, folding his arms across his chest, and then gestured for Kat to continue. “Come on, Kat…out with it. No turning back now. You’ve already told me you don’t love me and that you used me to, I don’t know, pop your cherry, I guess.” Danny pushed a hard scoff past the huge, painful knot in his throat. “Although, I’ve gotta tell you, for such a smart woman, that sure was a stupid decision. Could have gone real bad for you, sweetheart. ‘Cause career whores like me? Yeah, we’re not known for being the gentlest.” He shook his head ruefully, lips curling. “Or maybe you didn’t want it gentle, huh, Kat? Maybe that’s why you called me that night…why you crawled into my lap, just begging for it…”

The way her eyes widened gave him a sick satisfaction Danny would have thought himself incapable of a few minutes ago.

“Some of our…
sessions
…must have been a real disappointment to you, then.” Danny’s breath hitched in his chest, so he scoffed to cover it up, and shrugged. “Should have just told me you were looking to for a kinky fuck buddy. I could have popped you and then fucked you good, no strings attached.”

More tears filled her eyes. “Danny, that’s not what I said…”

“No, but that’s what you meant, isn’t it? Or at least that’s what you would have preferred once you had this epiphany about not loving me, right? Just a dick to get you off? Because, if you didn’t love me, that’s all you were looking for, right?”

You’ve known that’s all you were good for since you were twelve years old. You gonna get pissed at her for realizing it, too?

Apparently, yes, because Danny was about two seconds from putting his fist through something.

“So, come on, let’s hear the other things. Because they’ve gotta be pretty damn bad to keep you from getting off.” Danny’s stomach clenched up as his heart dropped, pieces of the puzzle seemingly falling into place. “Or maybe you already have your next dick lined up. Maybe that’s what was going on when I walked in this morning?”

It all made sense now.

Kat didn’t love him.

Never had, never would.

But apparently she’d liked Danny’s dick enough to keep seeing him even after realizing that little fact.

But now she had Ben.

And Ben’s dick came with a lot of other stuff Danny’s didn’t…

He probably has two good parents who love him and I’m a fucked-up orphan.

He is probably well-adjusted and normal and I’m a hot, fucking mess.

He’s clean, I’m dirty.

He’s smart, I’m not.

He’s nice, I’m not.

He’s husband material.

All I’m good for is getting off.

And getting off was the easy part.

Dicks were a dime a dozen.

But being someone worthy of love?

Maybe that just wasn’t in the cards for some people.

Danny’s head spun and his chest ached at the loss of everything he’d thought he’d somehow managed to get his arms around….everything he’d always wanted, but never really allowed himself to hope for.

A person he was wondering if he could actually, physically live without.

Breathe.

Get out of here before you melt down in front of her.

Go!

He forced his lips into a half-smile. “Kept me hanging on until you roped your next one, huh, Kat? Now, there’s my smart girl. I always told Nathan you were as cold as ice and I guess I was right.” Danny pushed off the counter, gesturing to the mess they’d made on the floor. “I think you’ll understand if I don’t stick around to clean up. Or to hear about the
other things
that make me unfit to marry you.”

He looked at her hard, one last time – unable, or maybe unwilling, to accept that, once he walked away from her now, it was over.

That he would never hold her again.

That he would never taste her again.

That he would never make love to her again.

That they would never say, “I love you,” again.

That the entire future he had been looking forward to was gone.

Danny tried to leave, but the need to be near her kept him planted where he was.

She doesn’t want you!

She doesn’t love you!

She used you!

She lied to you!

What are you, a glutton for punishment?

Get the fuck out of here!

With a final forced smirk, he said, “Bye, Kat.” Danny winked. “Thanks for the cherry. Not something I’d be into doing again, way too much work and very little reward, but it was an interesting experience. Tell Ben I said, ‘You’re welcome,’ for breaking you in. Lucky dog gets all the benefits without all the bullshit.”

Kat let out a quiet little noise that sounded half-sob, half-whimper. She hugged herself tighter, tears streaming down her cheeks and her chest rising and falling with jagged breaths.

You sick fuck.

You still want to hold her.

You’d still have her.

You still love her.

“Why are you crying, Kat?” Danny asked flatly.

Because he needed to hear the answer, for reasons he wasn’t coherent enough to figure out or understand at this moment. He just needed to know.

After a long pause, Kat finally cleared her throat. “Because I feel badly for hurting you, Danny,” she said, her voice hoarse and tight. “I know you don’t believe it right now, but that was never, ever my intention. And I really hope that one day we can be friends, because I think you’re-”

Danny interjected with a hard scoff. “Yeah, I know…a ‘great guy with a lot of great qualities.’”

Kat nodded slowly, tears still streaming down her cheeks. “Yes.” Her breath caught, more tears falling. A few more restrained sobs and the tiniest of smiles tugged at the corner of her mouth. “Yes, you are.”

Danny’s hands were itching to hold her.

Even now.

But that wasn’t his job.

Not anymore.

Never really had been, as it turned out.

Danny took a step backwards. “Bye, Kat. Take care of yourself.”

She brushed away the newest tears and nodded, again. “You, too, Danny. Take care.”

Danny took another few steps backwards, waiting for things that weren’t going to be said, until with one last look, he turned and walked away.

“
Good-bye, Danny
,” Kat whispered.

He stopped.

Do not turn around!

The woman does not want you!

Not even enough for sex!

Walk away, before you make an even bigger asshole out of yourself than you already have….

Than she’s already made of you.

Danny resumed walking and didn’t stop until he made it outside and to his car…

Where he promptly banged the sides of his fists down on the top of the Audi, resulting in two huge, deep dents on the roof.

Reeling hard and now in an enormous amount of physical pain, Danny managed to get the car door open and slip into the driver’s seat, where he spent the next twenty minutes replaying everything in his head over and over again.

“Makes no fucking sense,” he whispered aloud in the car, shaking his head.

It makes perfect sense, you just don’t want to face it
.

Kat used you for sexual sport and then dumped you. Yeah, a whole lot of shit went down in between, but, at the end of the day, that’s what happened here.

Danny glanced up at the mirrored window of Kat’s lab, his chest tightening up.

Only difference is she thought she loved you. For five minutes. Which is as close as you’ll ever come to anyone actually loving you. Definitely closer than anyone ever came before…

Hundreds of memories came flooding back, robbing him of breath and fucking with his mind.

She gave me her virginity. She said she loved me. She said she wanted to be with me. She listened to all my shit and told me it didn’t matter to her, that she would love and accept me, no matter what.

She said she wanted to be my family. Forever.

But, as easily as those incredible moments had come to him, much more telling and painful realizations arrived.

She’d never had a relationship before. She’d never had sex before. It’s easy to see how her body would trick her mind into believing she loved you, when she didn’t. She felt safe with you, able to do and say and feel stuff she hadn’t felt comfortable enough to allow with anyone else…

Especially since it took you exactly two seconds to start fawning over her, admitting your feelings to her, and planning to marry her for Christ’s sake.

The humiliation slammed into him and Danny’s stomach knotted up tighter.

Jesus, could you have made it any easier for her? A little attention, some sex, and a few sweetly-spoken lies and you bare your soul to her like the desperate, pathetic excuse for a man you’ve always been…and that, obviously, you always will be.

Danny looked down at his throbbing hands and flexed them, purposefully causing himself more pain.

No wonder she doesn’t want you. No wonder she doesn’t love you. No wonder she’s already moved onto to a guy that might actually come close to deserving her. You should have seen this coming a mile away…your own damn fault you were too weak and pussy-whipped to see it.

Danny thought about the stuff he’d shared with her and nearly choked on the regret, shame, and self-loathing.

Why would she saddle herself with a tainted fuck-up like you? She is a young, beautiful, smart, funny woman who has her pick of any man in the world…what made you think she’d actually want to settle for someone like you?

Your own damn parents didn’t want you and nobody has wanted you ever since. And, despite your delusional, desperate break from reality over the past few weeks, no one will
ever
want you.

Not for real. Not for anything that means anything. Not when there are normal, cleaner, smarter guys out there.

Guys like Ben.

Danny thought about all of the disgusting, depraved stuff he’d done in his life. And then he thought about Ben…about the night he’d overheard Stella describing him to Nathan…

Veteran.

Decorated war hero who’d lost a leg saving his fellow soldiers.

Super-smart engineer.

Nice guy.

Stable guy.

“A safe, sweet guy…just what Kat needs,” was how Stella had put it.

Danny scoffed mirthlessly.

Wouldn’t they all be shocked to learn their innocent little nerd girl’s tastes ran way deeper and way darker. That she’d given her virginity to a guy whose sexual past gave new meaning to the words
promiscuity
and
degenerate
. That she’d wanted it so badly she’d lied to keep on having it, even after realizing she didn’t love him. That she’d been capable of lying right to his face to feed those desires…

Yeah, but the good guy still won, didn’t he? Because, as much as she obviously wanted your body, she still chose to end it…because, even with your insane chemistry, you were still too much to take on and not enough to make her stick around.

You were still impossible to love.

Danny started up his car, but didn’t drive away for a while.

Because there was still something not sitting right with all of this. Things nagging the back of his brain.

Kat’s not a liar.

She’s not some experienced woman who knows how to manipulate men and gets off on using them.

Everything she did and said rang true. And felt real.

Danny glanced back up at her window, allowing himself the pleasure of continuing to doubt.

The way she’d crying…the pain in her eyes…the way she’d whispered his name as he’d walked away…

It had almost sounded like a plea. Like a plea to turn around…maybe even to stay.

But why would she say all that shit and break up with you, then? What possible reason would she have to push you away?

None came to him. Because none existed.

You’re reaching here. You’re wishful thinking. You’re grasping at any straw that would allow you to walk back into that building and talk to her again.

Nathan had a saying he’d annoyingly repeated many times over the years when Danny had gone off all half-cocked about something:
The simplest explanation is usually the right one
.

And the simplest explanation in this situation was that Kat was attracted to him, she’d confused loving him with lusting after him, she’d realized it, but had been too selfish or guilty to say anything, and, then, had been pushed to break up with him when shit started up with Ben.