All of You (58 page)

Or because he’d stupidly asked her to marry him.

It didn’t feel good to break it down and the pain that explanation caused was making it very hard for Danny to breathe, but it was the simplest explanation. And the truth, according to Kat.

The only explanation and the only possible truth, really.

Danny finally put the car in reverse, backed up, and slowly drove away.

As he turned left out of the parking lot, not sure of exactly where he was headed, Danny began hating himself even more…

Even with all this, you still wouldn’t take it back.

Because you still love her, even though she doesn’t love you back.

Because the time you spent with her – no matter the true circumstances – were the happiest of your life.

Because, even if only for a short while and even if under false pretenses, you got to experience what it felt like to be loved. And to love someone in return. You had a chance to have sex with someone you truly love. For once in your life, you got to envision a future that didn’t include being alone. You experienced the ecstasy of imagining being married to Kat, living with Kat, and maybe even having babies with Kat.

For the first time in your life, you allowed yourself to hope.

And those experiences…those imagined joys…might just have been worth the pain you’ll be enduring for the rest of your life.

But the farther away he drove, the more severe the pain became. With each additional mile he put between himself and Kat, the harder it became to breathe, until Danny was full-on panting…until the ache in his chest morphed into sharp, painful stabs…

“
Kat
,” he gasped out into the silence.

Already knowing she would never answer him again.

That he was once again, and would be continued to always be, all alone in the world.

Without her love.

Which, as it turned out, he’d never actually had to begin with.

That fact should have made it easier to let her go.

But it didn’t.

Because it didn’t really matter.

Danny loved her.

And he always would.

And that was the agonizing pain he’d have to somehow learn to live with or go fucking insane trying.

‡

K
at pushed her
ravioli around her plate, but couldn’t bring herself to actually lift it to her mouth, let alone chew the damn thing or swallow it. After making yet another figure-8 in Gigi’s meat sauce, Kat finally gave up. She set her fork on the edge of her plate and reached for her water, forcing herself to take a few sips.

As she set her glass back onto the table, Kat glanced up and caught Stella staring at her. Kat forced the best smile she could manage, but it was feeble at best, which elicited a dreaded brow quirk of concern from Stella.

Thankfully they were all around the table, eating Christmas dinner, so Kat had more time to mentally prepare for the interrogation she knew was rapidly approaching.

“It’s too bad Danny couldn’t come today, Kat,” Marco said, leaning forward to look down the table at Kat. “What did you say he had going on?”

Kat hadn’t said. In fact, she’d hardly spoken since she and Fi had arrived a few hours ago. Everyone had asked, at least once, what was wrong, and Kat managed to deflect their concern by blaming her malaise and fatigue on a flu bug she’d probably picked up from Gigi.

Kat had tried her absolute best to return smiles. And make small talk. And exude some small measure of Christmas cheer. But she’d failed miserably on all counts and was continuing to fail miserably by opening her mouth to answer Marco, but not having any words come out.

“I think Danny’s shoulder was acting up again, right, Kat?” Nathan said from across the table.

When Kat’s eyes snapped up to his (the first time she’d had the nerve to look Nathan in the eye, knowing he must know every awful detail of what had gone down), Nathan dipped his head in a nod. Which prompted Kat to nod, too.

Nathan gave her the slightest of smiles and turned back to feeding Gia some smashed up pasta. “Yeah, he’s really gotta get that thing looked at again.”

Nathan’s compassion was not something Kat had anticipated, nor something she understood, but she gratefully accepted it and tried not to let it push her any closer to the emotional breakdown she was rapidly nearing.

She was also beyond grateful that Nathan seemed to have kept his knowledge about what happened to himself. Because there was no way Stella knew. Because, if Stella had known, no force on earth could have kept her from shoving her nose right into it and trying to “fix” it.

“Kat can take leftovers home for him,” Gigi said, giving Kat a warm smile. “Knowing him, he’ll be disappointed he missed all this.”

The lump in Kat’s throat expanded as she managed another nod.

Because she was the reason Danny was alone on Christmas.

Their conversation back at California Pizza Kitchen came rushing back to haunt her:

“What do you do on holidays?”

“Catch up on my reading, hang around the house…you know, just relax. While everyone else is stressing, I’m enjoying some R & R.”

Except Kat knew he wasn’t resting or relaxing. She’d known it that night and she knew it much better now.

You promised him a family. You promised him he’d never be alone again. You promised him you were his home.

You lied.

Thanks to your short-sightedness, selfishness, and lies he is more than alone right now…he’s alone
and
heartbroken.

You damaged an already incredibly damaged man all for your own egocentric, foolish feelings. You should be the one alone, not him. He did nothing but love you and you abandoned him.

It should be him sitting here, not you.

Because he obviously knows the meaning of
family
a lot better than you do.

Kat’s breath caught in her chest and she rubbed at the ache, already knowing no physical manipulation could ease her pain.

The pain she’d caused.

The pain she deserved for what she’d allowed to happen.

The pain she knew she’d be living with for the rest of her life.

Kat managed to choke down a ravioli, two bites of a cannoli, and a half a glass of water. She’d hardly been eating or drinking for the past few days and she could feel the effects that lack of hydration and nutrition were having on her symptoms. She’d been even weaker, experiencing more shock sensations, and the numbness in her left foot was nearly constant.

Finally, the torture of sitting at the dinner table, under everyone’s scrutiny, ended. The guys cleared the table and headed downstairs to let the kids run wild, while Kat mentally prepared herself for the Ciaramitaro firing squad.

As soon as the last male member of the family had finally meandered downstairs, Carla grabbed a dining room chair and dragged it into the kitchen.

She smiled at Kat, concern in her eyes, and patted the back of the seat. “We’ve got this today, but sit and keep us company.”

As much as Kat wanted to prove she was “fine” to alleviate their concern, she didn’t have it in her. She was just too heartbroken, exhausted, and physically weak to do much more than sink into the chair and wrap her arms around her midsection.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Kat?” Nina demanded, leaning a hip into the kitchen counter and crossing her arms over her chest. She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head, evaluating. “You look like shit. And you haven’t said two fucking words all day. What’s going on?”

“Hey, wanna drop the F-bomb a few more times on Jesus’ birthday?” Fi asked, deadpan, eliciting an eye roll from Nina.

Gigi shot Nina a dirty look before meeting Kat’s eyes, her own full of blatant concern. “Nina’s right,
cara
.” She crouched down in front of Kat’s chair and rubbed the top of her thigh, brows low as she searched Kat’s eyes. “I know you said you had the flu bug, but this looks more serious than that.” Gigi glanced up at Stella, who was already behind Kat, rubbing her shoulders. “Do you think we need to take her to the Emergency Room, Stella, because she looks
awful
.”

Stella leaned to the side and met Kat’s eyes. “Do you really think this is the flu? Or is this residual stuff from the flare-up the other day?”

“What flare-up the other day?” Nina demanded.

Everyone’s eyes now firmly on her, Kat lifted a shoulder. “I fell Wednesday at work. A guy who works in my building drove me to St. Mary’s.” She met Gigi’s eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, G. You were sick and C’s is always so busy right before the holidays. Plus, you had all the stuff for Christmas to get ready.” Kat gave Gigi’s hand a small squeeze. “I didn’t want you worrying about me.”

“And why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” Nina gestured to Carla. “Or Carla?”

“Because, Nina, you would have gotten kicked out of there, anyway,” Fi said. “You get nuts in those situations and somehow security always ends up getting called. Thank God you’re a cop or we’d be bailing your ass out of jail on a regular basis.” Fi gave Carla a smile and wink. “Now, Carla, we would have gladly had join us, but we didn’t want to ask her to lie to you.”

“Fi was there, too?” Nina exclaimed, eyes wide. She huffed. “I’ve gotta say, this shit…it’s hurting me. You know, I love you, too, Kat. You’re my sister, too. And I’m always hearing about this stuff afterward. I don’t get it.”

Kat’s eyes welled.

Yeah, well, get in line with the other people I love and push away.

If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s suffering in fucking silence.

“I love you, too, Nina. You know I do. And you’re a wonderful sister.” The tears in Kat’s eyes spilled onto her cheeks, making everyone else’s eyes widen. She brushed them away. “But you know I hate worrying people for no reason. If it was a problem you could have done something about, I would have called you. But I’m not going to ruin your night – and Carla’s – by making you come up to the hospital over nothing.”

Nina huffed again. “Well, obviously it wasn’t
nothing
, Kat, if Stella is asking about it!”

When Kat didn’t answer, because she simply didn’t have the mental strength and it was questionable whether she had the physical strength, Stella said, “She has a few new lesions.”

Carla’s eyes welled, her hand lifting to cover her mouth. Nina just stared at Kat’s face while Gigi gaped at her.

“But the original one shrunk, which is great news. It means the Alternox is working…and if it worked on one, it has a good chance of working on the others. She has a few symptoms flaring up right now, but my clinical guess would be they are a result of what she’s been up to way more than the MS progressing,” Stella said. She gave Kat’s shoulder one more quick squeeze and walked around to face her, arms crossing over her chest and eyeing Kat with that too-perceptive gaze. “But I have a sneaking suspicion whatever’s going on today has nothing to do with the MS or any flu bug, anyway.”

Kat’s stomach dropped.

“Is it something at work?” Carla asked.

Kat shook her head.

“Are you and Danny fighting?” Gigi asked.

Kat shook her head.

Truthfully.

“Then, what’s wrong, Kat? Because something is obviously eating at you,” Stella said. Her lips curled. “Don’t make me call Danny and get it out of
him
.”

Kat nearly shuddered at the earful Danny could give Stella. And Stella’s certain siding of Danny on this particular situation.

That’s all I need…Stella hating me, too.

Because Nathan had done to Stella almost exactly what Kat had done to Danny. Different motivating factors, but abandonment was pretty much abandonment. And Kat could just see Stella taking what she’d done to Danny very hard. And very personally.

Which is no less than you deserve.

“Just tell us what’s bothering you, Kat. So we can help you,” Gigi said, echoing Danny’s earlier words almost exactly.

Maybe if you weren’t such a crippled communicator you might be able to express a fucking feeling without it being the to-do of the century. Maybe your family wouldn’t feel so isolated from you and maybe they’d actually be able to help you. Maybe you wouldn’t have had to spend all those years feeling apart and lonely.

Maybe if you could just open your mouth and talk like normal people, your life wouldn’t be a horrible mess right now.

Kat had never felt so badly about herself and she’d never wanted so badly to just crawl up in a ball on her bed, pull the covers over her head, and just turn inward until the pain went away.

Until she could somehow figure out a way to function without him.

“I really do think it’s the same flu Gigi had,” she finally said. “I haven’t been able to keep down much food or water the past few days and I feel very worn down. Which, as you guys know, just makes the regular MS stuff worse.”

“Is that why you’ve been crying in your bedroom at night?” Fi asked quietly.