Always and Forever (59 page)

“There’s nothing here, not a single thing. I’m going to
have to go out and buy something. I can’t believe you haven’t eaten anything in
twenty-four hours!” Jake yells in frustration as I make my way into the
kitchen. His mercurial mood swings really are intense, I’m not sure I can
handle much more of them tonight.  

“There might be some cereal in the pantry.” I say,
searching the shelves for any sign of cornflakes or weetabix. I’d eat anything
right now if it will keep Jake from nagging me.

He comes up behind me, taking the cereal box from my hands
and empties its contents into the bowl he already found.

“Shit!” He exclaims harshly.

“What is it now?” I ask him wearily, rubbing my forehead.

“There’s no damn milk.” He says exasperatedly.

“The house has been empty for a while now, it’s not like
milk was a priority whilst gran was in hospital. I promise I’ll eat something
soon as I get home.”

“No. I want you to eat something now. I’ll go out and get
something; I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

He strides out of the kitchen and into the hallway,
throwing on his jacket before heading for the door.

“Where are you going?” I ask, hurrying after him.

 “To the shop to buy a
few things, I’ll be back soon.” He slams the front door behind him without
giving me a backwards glance.

As soon as Jake returns, he makes me two bowls of cereal and
three slices of buttered toast. I only realised how hungry I was when I started
eating and I couldn’t get enough of the food that was placed before me.

“Are you happy now?” I tease him, playfully sticking my
tongue out at him. “I’m completely full.”

“Bethany, you can’t that again. You’re pregnant, you have
to eat or you’ll make yourself ill. I need you to promise me you’ll start
taking care of yourself and that you’ll eat healthily.” He says solemnly.

After assuring him that I’ll be more responsible from now
on, we return to the front room and the armchair we were sitting on before my
stomach interrupted us. Its been a couple of hours since I first told Jake the
news and I’m hoping that now might be the right time for me to be completely
honest with him. He needs to know what I’m thinking and it’s not fair of me to
keep him in the dark about something as important as this.

“You know... we don’t have to go through with this if we
don’t want to.” I murmur, struggling to keep the trepidation out of my voice.

“What do you mean? You want to have an abortion?” His head
jerks as though I’ve just slapped him.

 I can’t blame him for his horror, what I’m suggesting
is terrible. It’s something I never thought I’d choose consider but I can’t
help the way I feel. I’m not ready to have a child, I’m absolutely terrified by
the idea and I’m certain I won’t be able to do this. I’m not even sure I
want
to.

“I just want you to know that it might be a possibility.”

Out of nowhere I suddenly burst into tears. I can’t help
myself, my tears are uncontrollable and I no longer have the strength to fight
them. My only comfort is the feel of Jake’s arms wrapped around me, cradling my
quivering body against him and pulling me into his chest.

“Listen, you’ve only just found out about this today.
You’re still in shock and you need some time to process things. I’ll take care
of you no matter what; you know that, don’t you?” He says solemnly.

“It means a lot to me to know that you’ll be there for me.”
I say gratefully, burying my face into his chest, needing to feel safe and
protected.

“Bethany, I want to be completely honest with you because I
think you deserve to know the truth. I want this baby; I want us to do this. I
feel like I’ve been given a second chance and I feel like this was supposed to
happen. You and I were supposed to meet, fall in love and create this baby
together. It’s already a part of us.”

“Jake, you can’t say things like that to me; it’s just
going to make things harder if I decide not to go through with it.”

“My intention isn’t to make this any harder on you; I just
want to be open and honest about how I’m feeling. I want us to do this but
ultimately I know can’t tell you what to do with your body. It’s your decision
and I won’t force you into anything, I would never do that.” He rests his
forehead against mine, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply.

I can’t believe Jake would be so selfless. The fact that he
would respect my own feelings over his own makes me want to start crying all
over again.

“You would do that for me?” I ask hesitantly.

“Yes.” He says simply, as if there’s no doubt or
uncertainty about the matter.

“It would have been different if this was a couple of years
from now. If I weren’t still living at home or if I had known you longer.” I
try to explain.

“They’re just circumstances. Excuses made for why you
shouldn’t do this but I need you to promise me you won’t base your decision on
that bastard you live with. This has nothing to do with him; he will have no
say in this decision. If you decide to keep this baby I swear to you I’ll
protect you both. You really think I’d let you stay in that house with our
baby?”

“I don’t know, I guess I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

“The first thing we need to do is make you an appointment
with the doctor. It needs to be confirmed and then we’ll know how many weeks
pregnant you are exactly.” He stands up, leaving me alone on the armchair.

I fight every instinct I have to get up and follow him,
it’s like he’s a magnet to me and wherever he goes I want to follow.

“How will I be able to sneak away for an appointment? I
know he’s away but I still have my mum to contend with.”

“We’ll figure all that out later but it’s really important
you go, Bethany. It sucks that today’s Friday; we’ll have to wait until after
the weekend now”

“You seem to have it all figured out, just let me know what
I’m doing when you’ve decided on that as well.” I say bitterly, resenting how
well he’s handling everything. Of course he’s been through all of this before,
he should be an expert.

“I can make the appointment for you but its best if you go
and see your own doctor, they’ll have all your records and it might make you
feel more comfortable.”  Jake continues, ignoring my bitchy remark.

“I don’t know… I have to digest everything. I can’t think straight.
” I tell him, anxiously running my fingers through my hair.

“Sweetheart, this is non-negotiable.” He says firmly. 

“I guess an appointment will just make it all real. It will
mean its actually happening.”

“It is real, baby. It is happening and we need to find a
way of making you feel alright about it.” He kneels before me, taking hold of
my face in his hands and gently strokes his thumb across my cheek.

I glance at the clock and jump up in surprise when I notice
the time. We’ve been here for hours and its time I should be getting back.

“I need to get going, mum will be worrying about me.”

“I don’t want to let you go, you should be with me
tonight.” He whispers. “I wish you could just come home with me right now.”

I cling onto him for dear life. I no longer feel grounded
or settled, I feel like I’m lost at sea, drowning in the middle of the ocean
and Jake is my one and only life line. His love for me is unparalleled, so
transcendent I can feel it in the air around us. I’m still overwhelmed by fear,
it threatens to strangle the life of me with each new breath but to know I have
Jake by my side eases some of my terror. I don’t have any faith in myself but I
do believe in Jake, he’s all the hope I need.

Jake

Pregnant. That one word keeps racing around and around in
my head, over and over again until it’s all I can see and hear. She’s really
pregnant. She’s having my baby and I’m torn apart because I don’t know how I’m
supposed to react. A huge part of me knows how incredible this is, the girl I
love has my baby inside of her and I can’t help acknowledging how incredible
that is. Another part of me is devastated because I know she doesn’t feel the
same way, I had to conceal the exhilaration inside of me in regard of her
feelings and the fact she’s so uncertain of what she wants to do.

I know we’ve only known each other for a few weeks and
under normal circumstances it would be crazy to even consider having a baby so
soon but I can’t help it. I’m already fantasising about the two of us,
picturing our first child together and holding it in my arms. The excitement
this brings me is unbelievable; I feel it already, the longing for our baby and
the desperation for her to tell me she wants it too.  

I’ve only just got back from walking her home and had to
ignore every impulse that I had to keep her with me. She insisted on going
home, saying she needed some time to think and some time alone so she can
process everything. I suppose I had to accept her decision but it doesn’t mean
I have to like it.

My obsession with her is on the borderline of being
unhealthy. I’d die for that girl without a moment’s hesitation and now I feel
the same way about our baby. The fact that she’s terrified is understandable, I
understand her fear but at the same time I can’t help but question how she can
even consider an abortion. The thought of it fills me with such dread and
abhorrence; I found it really difficult trying to cover up my true feelings
from her. I did my best to hide it but to know she might choose to have my baby
removed from her is really fucking with my head and I have no idea how I’ll be
able to deal with it if that ends up being her final decision.

I never once imagined a woman I got pregnant would choose
not to have my baby. Maybe that’s just me being an arrogant, egotistical alpha
male but it’s the truth. I get that she’s scared, I get that she’s really
worried about the future but I’ve made a solemn promise to be there for her no
matter what, shouldn’t that at least provide her with some comfort?

I despised every second moment when I told her I would
accept her decision to have an abortion if that’s what she chooses. Lying to
her face took a tremendous amount of effort, it was really fucking hard to
sound convincing. The truth is I’m absolutely determined that I won’t lose her
over this, even if she does decide to have a termination. I can’t lose her. I’m
hope that my constant reassurance will eventually be enough to make her feel
secure enough to have this baby. I have to believe she’ll eventually come
around to the idea and realise that we can do this together. I’ve already lost
my first unborn child; I’m not about to lose another.

When I first saw Bethany tonight I knew straight away that
something was wrong. She looked so nervous and uncomfortable, I immediately
feared the worst. As soon as she assured me it had nothing to do with her dad,
I started to get suspicious. I instantly thought of the worst case scenario and
could no longer control the intrusive images in my mind of her and that son of
a bitch together. I tortured myself by picturing his hands on her, his lips
against her skin and his tongue tasting her, the uncontrollable jealousy I was
feeling refused to go away, no matter how many times she told me I had it
wrong. It seemed like the more she kept pleading her innocence, the more I
convinced myself it was true.

I can’t believe the things I said how painful it must have
been for her to be accused of something she hadn’t even done. It’s no excuse
but I sometimes find it hard not to judge all women by the same standards that
I would use to condemn Sarah. I was relentless in my interrogation; I needed to
find out exactly what had happened between them. I needed to know if it was
something I’d be able to forgive, something I’d be able to move on from. The
pathetic part is I know I would still want her, even if she had told me she’d
cheated; I would still be in love with her.

Underneath all of my rage was the undeniable agony that
comes with heartache. I honestly believed I had been betrayed and the really
fucked up thing is I knew I still loved her. If she had told me that she was
leaving me for Callum and that she wanted to be with him, I still would have
begged her to give us another chance. That’s how crazy I am in love with this
girl. My need to be with her takes precedence over everything else in my life
and the intensity of my love for her is unable to be described.

I experienced a confusing combination of relief and dismay
when she finally told me she was pregnant. It felt like déjà vu all over again,
except this time I was actually in love with the girl standing in front of me
telling me she’s going to have my baby. It physically hurts me to see her in so
much pain, to see her so desperate and that’s why I’m so eager for her to go
and see her doctor. They’re the professionals and I’m hoping they’ll be able to
put her mind at rest and answer all the questions I can’t.

I’m still so damn angry with myself for letting this happen
and for putting her in this situation. I knew I was being too fucking careless,
I knew the risks we were taking all those times we didn’t use anything and I
still couldn’t seem to help myself.  It makes me sound so weak, a typical
guy with a one track mind.

 I’m now ashamed to admit that I’ve been with all
kinds of women, every single one of them has been attractive and some of them
have even been beautiful. I’ve had my fair share of experience when it comes to
the opposite sex and that’s why I’m so amazed that none of them were able to
captivate me the way that she does. There’s something about Bethany, I’ve found
her irresistible since the moment I met her and now that she’s carrying my
baby, I’m even more enthralled by her.

I still think it’s only a matter of time before she realises
what a fucked up waste of space I really am and leaves me. I dread the day she
figures it all out, the day she finally comes to her senses and realises she’s
far too good for me and always has been. I even have nightmares about it; in
them she’s always telling me to get lost or declaring her hatred for me over
and over again. I sometimes chase after her but its no use, I can never catch
her. I wake up with my heart pounding and my head spinning, praying that my
twisted nightmares will never become a reality.

That’s why I’m almost relieved this pregnancy has happened.
Now that she’s having my baby a small part of me might be able to relax and
find comfort in the knowledge that we’re now connected for life. There will
always be a part of us that exists, she could still walk away from me but she
will never be able to walk away from the truth. The truth is she will have my
baby and there’s nothing on this earth that will be able to change it.

When I first found out Sarah was pregnant sixth months ago,
all I cared about was the baby. I didn’t care about my relationship with Sarah
at all and only stayed with her to keep myself close to the baby. She was only
four weeks pregnant when she told me about it and I already knew I felt nothing
for her. In spite of everything I knew I had to at least try and make things
work between us for the sake of the baby.

With Bethany it’s completely different, I cannot and will
not lose her, it’s simply not an option and it never will be.

I was surrounded by my own darkness before I met her; I
suppose you could say I was used to existing in the shadows. I was lost;
drowning in my own sadness and the only flicker of light came when I found
Bethany. I came alive the night I met her and I’m not about to let her go. I
need her more than I need air but I also need her to keep this baby. When she
eventually decides that’s also what she wants, nothing and no one will keep us
apart…