Always and Forever (54 page)

 I remember frowning at him, wondering why on earth he
was asking me for the time.

“It’s half past twelve, why?”

“Good. Come here.” He ordered, standing his back against
the bedroom door, waiting for me to make the first move.

 I pretended to be nervous as I cautiously made my way
over towards him. I’d waited for this moment for so long, I wasn’t about to
ruin it by being too forward. Jake had always made it clear he would never
sleep with any of his friends; his sex life was something he rarely talked
about, even though I’d had to witness his ridiculous amount of sexual
encounters over the years.

“Why did you ask what time it is?” I persisted, unable to
help myself.

It was such a bizarre question for Jake to ask, my
curiosity was too strong.

“I needed to make sure you’re officially sixteen. I don’t
want to break any laws by fucking you senseless.” He said, smirking at me.

I gaped up at him in astonishment. He had really sobered up
since we were outside but his glazed over eyes gave away the amount of alcohol
he had actually consumed. I had no choice but to take advantage of the
situation, I knew I only had one chance with Jake and I had to make him mine.

 We slept together that night and I know by the way
Jake treated me that he had no idea it was my first time. The next morning Jake
did apologise to me, he said what happened between us had been a mistake and
that he was sorry for the way he had treated me. I had no idea why he was
apologising to me, the sex was a bit rough considering it was my first time but
he hadn’t known that at the time. Being with Jake had been amazing, I didn’t
regret a single moment with him and the hardest part was I couldn’t be honest
with him.

 Jake stayed away from me for weeks after that night
and I started to panic that I had really ruined things between us. At that
point Jake still had no idea that he had taken my virginity and I wanted to
keep it that way. He was already avoiding me, I knew he would disappear from my
life altogether if he knew I hadn’t told him before we had sex he was going to
be my first. Jake had been so inebriated that night, he hadn’t noticed the
blood stains all over the sheets, a clear sign of my virginity before that
night.

 I did eventually tell Jake the truth, I remember him
being so shocked and dismayed that I had trusted him with something so
important and irreplaceable.  

“God, Sarah, I never knew. I swear I didn’t or I would
never have done it.” He told me, a wretched, pitiful grimace on his face.

 He looked so ashamed of himself; he was still unaware
that he had given me everything I’d ever wanted during that night.

“Jake, I wanted it too. There’s no reason to apologise.” I
had told him.

“But you didn’t bleed.” He mumbled quietly, appearing
confused.

I noticed his doubtful expression, as though he was
starting to consider the possibility that I was lying to him. For once in my
life I was actually being honest telling him the truth, he needed to believe
that.

“I actually did. You were too drunk to notice.” I
confessed.

“God, I’m really sorry, Sarah. You deserved so much better
than that night and what I gave you.”

He covered his face with his hands as he absorbed himself
in his sorrow and blame. He felt guilty for being so drunk and for being rough
with me. I quickly reassured him that it was him ok; I still wanted to be his
friend. I somehow managed to keep my true feelings for him concealed, I knew
that Jake wasn’t looking for a relationship, we were only sixteen and if I
truly wanted to make Jake mine, I had to start all over again and be patient.
Jake went on to fuck anything in a skirt and I also started to look for other
guys to occupy myself with whilst waiting for him to take notice. None of them
meant anything to me but I had to give off the impression that I wasn’t waiting
around for Jake.

My endurance was finally rewarded just over a year ago when
Jake and I were at another pointless house party. It was just the two of us
hanging around outside and the familiarity of the situation didn’t escape
either of us. It was so much like the night before my sixteenth birthday and
the night we first slept together. It was then that Jake had turned to me and
asked if it was true that he’d really been the first person I’d ever slept
with. I admitted that he was and he went on to confess that it was something he
still felt guilty over.

I leaned in towards him and whispered that he was free to
make it up to me anytime he liked. We spent our second night together and
somehow managed to fall into a relationship with one another after that. I felt
like all my dreams had come true, after all the years I spent waiting and
biding my time, Jake was finally mine. I had hit the jackpot and I was
convinced that Jake would eventually reciprocate my intense feelings for him.
Our sex life was incredible and as much as Jake will deny it, he wanted me just
as badly as I did him.

However, I eventually started to notice a change in his
behaviour towards me, his eyes no longer lit up when he saw me and I felt as
though he was tiring of our relationship and my constant presence around his
house. I only spent so much time there because I’ve known Jake and his family
all my life. I felt like I was a part of them and I loved the welcome they
always gave me whenever I went round there, especially from his mum. Jake
didn’t seem to care that his family adored me, his interest was waning and I
was frequently having warn other girls to stay away from him. Even my own
friends tried it on with him and it almost drove me insane with envy. Jake’s a
good guy and I knew he would never cheat on me, that’s not his style. I was
still infuriatingly jealous though and would spend countless nights lying awake
picturing him with one of them.

On one occasion Jake actually had to drag me away from one
bitch who offered herself on a plate to him right in front of me. There was a
large group of us at a club in town and I’d only left Jake alone for five
minutes whilst I went to the bathroom. I returned to overhear this slut we both
knew telling him what she would do to him if he let her give him a blow job.
Hearing her describe that to him was the final straw and I saw the slight
temptation in his eyes when he was listening to her. It terrified me, I knew I
was losing him and I had to do something about it. Fast.

I had lunged for her, grabbing a fistful of her hair in
each hand, hoping to pull it out. It wasn’t long before Jake’s strong arm
encircled my waist, preventing me from inflicting some serious damage.

I knew I was close to losing my hold on him and I was
desperate to find a way of securing a permanent position in his life. I thought
about it for a few days and eventually came up with the only idea I could think
of. I had to get pregnant. It was the only way of ensuring Jake would stay a
remaining fixture in my life. It was extraordinarily difficult making sure Jake
was careless. He always insisted he wore a condom even though I was on the pill
before I decided to become pregnant. There were several nights I had to remain
sober and focus on plying him with drink, only then would he be reckless enough
to go without protection.

I anxiously waited for it to happen. My fear grew with
every negative pregnancy test I threw away. I was under a considerable amount
of pressure, Jake was pulling away from me more and more each day and I was
really starting to panic that he would break up with me before I could show him
that positive pregnancy test. I was consumed with despair, I couldn’t eat, I
couldn’t sleep and I was paranoid that Jake was going to find out what I was up
to.

 I was in a constant state of turmoil, teetering on
the edge of insanity waiting for Jake to end things between us when it finally
happened. My period was late and I was full of hope as I bought yet another
pregnancy test. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the positive test result.
I was pregnant. I had actually done it. It had taken two months and I was
exhausted from all the stress it had causes me but it had finally happened.

I decided to keep the news to myself for a few days; I
needed time to adjust to the idea of having a baby and I started to ask myself
whether I was even ready to be a parent. Would I be able to convince Jake that
my pregnancy had been an accident? It was a few days later when I geared myself
up to tell him the news. Jake had been particularly quiet with me all day and
when he told me he wanted to take a walk, I already knew what he was about to
say. He was about to break up with me and I was unbelievably thankful that I’d
managed to get pregnant in time.

Jake had looked so nervous; I could see he was wrestling
with himself over how to broach the subject of ending things with me. He had
his hands in his front pockets and he could hardly bring himself to look at me.
He was just about to say something when I beat him to it.

“There’s something I need to tell you.” I had blurted out.

“Ok… what is it?” He asked me curiously.

“I’m pregnant.”

 I had held my breath, terrified of what his reaction
would be.

“What did you just say?” His voice was barely above a
whisper.

“I’m pregnant.” I repeated myself, knowing he hadn’t
misheard me.

“What? How? Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. I took a test a few days ago and my period is
late.” My own voice sounded calm and tranquil. All I cared about was keeping
Jake and I was already certain he wouldn’t leave me now.

“I don’t fucking believe this, Sarah. We’ve always been so
careful!” He yelled at me, running his fingers through his unruly hair.

“Are you serious? I can remember at least five occasions
over the last couple of months when we haven’t been careful.”

“
Fuck
!” He knew I was right.

It was only then I started to worry. His reaction was not
the one I’d been hoping for and I started to think about how foolish I had been.
If Jake refused to stand by me I’d be all alone, stuck with the decision of
being a twenty-two year old single mother or having an abortion.

“Thanks for your support.” I snapped.

“God, I’m really sorry, Sarah. It’s just… I can’t believe
you’re really pregnant. How could I have let this happen? I’m a fucking idiot.”

I tried to conceal the shit eating grin on my face; the
irony of the situation was almost funny. Jake was blaming himself for my own
callousness and deception.

“It’s a huge shock but it’s not the end of the world, is
it?” I asked him, praying to God he wouldn’t say yes.

“You mean you want to keep it?” He said uncertainly.

“Don’t you?” I asked him fearfully.

I’d never even thought about what would happen if Jake
wanted me to have an abortion. I was still so terrified by the thought of
losing him and that’s what would happen if he didn’t want me to go ahead with
the pregnancy.

“I don’t know what I want. All of this is crazy; I can’t
believe this is even happening. You were on the pill though, right?”

“Yeah but there have been a few occasions when I’ve
accidentally forgotten to take it.” I had mumbled, trying my best to look
guilty. I needed him to believe I was really sorry for my carelessness.

“Jesus Christ, Sarah.” He glared at me angrily.

“Don’t blame this on me, Jake! You’ve never taken an
interest in the contraception I use before. This is just as much your
responsibility as it is mine.” I forced a few crocodile tears for Jake’s
benefit, hoping it would change his whole demeanour towards me.

 His face softened as he walked over towards me,
pulling me into his chest. He kissed my forehead, whispering several words of
comfort. He told me everything would be ok and that he would take care of me
and the baby no matter what.

It’s exactly what I wanted to hear and I smiled against
him, grateful he couldn’t see my smirk.

“Baby, I’m sorry. Everything’s going to be alright, you’re
going to be fine. You’re not alone in this and I’m not going anywhere. We’re in
this together and it’s all going to be fine. I’ll take care of you.”

He continued to stroke my hair; his affection forced me to
cry genuine tears of relief. My plan had worked, I wasn’t going to lose him and
he was going to stay with me and stand by me. My plan had worked. Perfectly.

It took a while for Jake to adjust to the idea but he
slowly started to become more enthusiastic about my pregnancy. I was absolutely
delighted when he started to talk about getting our own place. He said we
needed to be a proper family and the only way of ensuring that was for us to
live together.