Always and Forever (51 page)

I rake my fingernails over the muscles in his back, biting
down on Jake’s shoulder, and tasting the water that’s pouring over the two of
us.

“Jake, I want us to do this together.” I moan, more than
ready for my first climax.

I glance at his arms and notice the prominence of his veins
in them when he flexes his muscles. My legs are still wrapped around him, his
arms supporting my entire weight without any struggle or exertion. My tongue
eagerly tastes the skin on his neck, gliding over him and savouring his
mouth-watering taste. He groans loudly, closes his eyes and cups the back of my
neck, pulling me even closer to him. I trail my lips along his collarbone,
taking delight in the gratifying moan I evokes from him.  

 “Are you close?” Jake asks, transfixing me with those
captivating eyes of his.

“Yes.” I murmur, feeling delirious and wanton with
invigoration.

He lowers his forehead to mine, our noses touching. To my
utter dismay and infuriation, Jake starts to slow down his movements and I’m
left squirming with anticipation, dangerously close to experiencing my
impending release.

“Don’t stop!” I scold him with frustration.

“Maybe it’s really fucked to admit this but I love to hear
you beg. Come for me baby, let go. I want to hear you.”

His carnal, uninhibited words embolden me to do as he asks
me and a glorious surge of exhilaration soars through my body, enabling me to
convey exactly what I’m feeling.

“I’m coming.” I cry loudly, throwing my head back against
the shower wall behind me.

“You are? Prove it.” Jake growls, whilst tracing the outer
shell of my ear with his tongue.

The guttural masculinity in his voice makes me tremble and
the volume of my cries increase. The force behind his thrusts increases and so
does his speed, widening my legs so I can take every single inch of him. I
trail my nails down his spine, eliciting a deep rumble from Jake in the back of
his throat. His attention is quickly diverted back to my mouth as his tongue
finds its way back inside, urgently seeking an entry. I willingly open up for
him and beg him to come inside of me. Our collective moans of pleasure merge
together, bouncing off the four walls of my tiny shower. The steam and high
temperature only increases my arousal and I squeeze him tightly when I feel him
start to release himself inside me. I’m not ashamed to admit that I want every
single drop of him. His fingers grab my rear, forcefully clasping the skin
until I’m close to crying out in protest. He says my name over and over,
something which makes me glow with price.

Afterwards, I open my eyes and silently absorb every
breathtaking feature of this man. He’s so beautiful; I can scarcely believe
he’s really mine. I love how protective he is and how important it is for him
to keep me safe. I don’t question his loyalty to me; he’s proven himself time
and time again. I realise how rare it is to find a love like this and I’m
absolutely determined to hold onto it. His past is no longer important, if I
want out relationship to last then I need to come to terms with who he was
before we met, I need to understand how little the past matters and appreciate
who he is now, the person he is when he’s with me.

“Wow.” I mumble incoherently, opening my eyes and lowering
myself to my feet.

“Every time we do this I convince myself it can’t get any
better… and then it does.” He chuckles softly.

 I sigh with contentment, losing myself to the
exquisite sensation of his lips trailing kisses along the length of my jaw. He
moves onto my eyelids, making his way down to my mouth. I’ve never felt so
cherished.

He gently removes himself from my body I immediately feel
the loss. I’m certain I’ll never tire of this man, it would be impossible.

After our shower together we wrap ourselves in two large
towels from the small en suite cupboard. Jake looks adorable all wet, tiny
little droplets keep falling from his hair and it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever
seen.

I’m taken by surprise when Jake pushes me back against the
wall, placing his hands on either side of me, sheltering me from everything but
him. He studies me intently; his eyes wandering down my half naked body now
concealed by the towel.

“I love you.” He says, unblinking and resolute.

“Love you more.” I reply, grinning from ear to ear.

He moves closer towards me and my heart rate accelerates.

“That’s impossible.” He whispers huskily.

Jake has nothing else to wear so he’s going to have to put
on his own clothes which are still covered in blood. He assures me he’ll get
rid of them as soon as he gets home but I’m still uneasy about the thought of
him walking home like that. If someone spots him they’re bound to think the
worst and what if his appearance arouses suspicion?

It’s only when we have a few more minutes before we have to
leave that I decide to go ahead and ask the question that’s been bugging me all
night. If I don’t do it now I never will and after tonight I never want her
name to be mentioned between us again.

“Jake, I need to ask you something.”

“What is it?”

“It’s about Sarah.”

“Bethany, I really don’t-”

“Did you love her?” I interrupt him, not giving him a
chance to finish his sentence. “You told me you didn’t but I need to know. I’ve
seen her, Jake. She’s beautiful and any man would want her. I can’t help
wondering what you see in me when you were with someone like her.”

Sarah is gorgeous and startling. I’m dreary and plain.
She’s tall and slim; I’m tiny but envious of her toned body. There’s a
remarkable contrast between us and I’m not sure why Jake would choose me when
he could have her.

Jake doesn’t speak for some time, walking out of the en
suite and into my bedroom.

“Come here.” He motions for me to join him and I willingly
comply.

He sits me down on his lap, sighing heavily. He’s still
only wearing a towel wrapped around his waist, not wanting to change into his
tainted clothes until he absolutely has to.

“Well?” I prompt him.

“I’m just thinking how badly I despise the person who taught
you to think so little of yourself. You’re astonishing, Bethany, you really
are. I don’t understand how you don’t see what is so clear to me. You’re
gorgeous, beyond sexy and breathtakingly beautiful, why don’t you see any of
these things? What makes you doubt yourself and the beauty that is blatantly
obvious to everyone else around you? That’s the reason why Sarah chose to hate
you tonight, she was jealous of you. She not only noticed how God damn perfect
you are but she also recognised your innocence and your virtue; those are the
qualities she envies the most because she’s never had them. It pisses me off
that people like that have made you so unsure of yourself. I’m going to spend
the rest of my life trying to convince you otherwise. I’m going to make you see
how incredible you really are. Bethany, I wish I could erase every single day I
spent with Sarah but it’s just not possible. So until then… I’ll keep on
reminding you, until the day you truly have faith in my commitment to you.”

I gape at him in amazement, questioning what on earth I did
to deserve this unbelievable boy.  How did I find him and am I even worthy
of his inconceivable love for me?

“You know one day I’ll be able to do that. I’ll be able to
express my own devotion for you and make it sound just right. Until then, know
that I love you and that I’m feeling everything you’re feeling. You’re my whole
world, Jake.” I tell him, lovingly stroking my fingers through his damp hair.

“I only need to hear three words from you, Bethany. But
right now I need you to promise me something.” He says with a solemn expression
on his face. I need you to promise me that you won’t call Callum. I know you
were just trying to hurt me earlier tonight when you mentioned getting in
contact with him again but I’m begging you, please don’t do it. It would kill
me, Bethany.”

I see the uncertainty in his eyes and the pain behind them.
Taunting him about Callum was childish, reckless and really stupid. I only said
it to punish him and I’m now questioning how I could have been so spiteful.

“Jake, you have nothing to
worry about. I’m yours and you have no reason to worry about Callum. I have no
feelings for him whatsoever.”

Later that night as I lie in bed, staring up at my bedroom
ceiling, I start to think about my life and the dramatic changes that have
taken place in the last few weeks. I’ve had to face heartbreak, loss, jealousy
and revenge. Through it all there has been one man’s love; there has been this
magnificent person who has stood by me through it all. My own love for him is
irreversible, it’s changeless and enduring. It is with me for life and I’ve
come to embrace my enslaving rapture for him.

There are still many trials and tribulations that Jake and
I must conquer. Something deep down inside of me knows that despite everything,
we’re at the very beginning. We’ve only just begun. I’m terrified when I
consider what’s in store for us and question whether we’ll ever get our happy
ending.

Despite everything, I’m going to fight. I’ll fight for him
and for our future together. I would take on the devil himself to share one day
of paradise with Jake by my side. I would willingly walk through hell if it
meant that I could be with him and save him from the demons of his past.

 I eventually fall asleep and inevitably dream about
Sarah and the unknown man who attacked me. I wake up in fear, trembling and
afraid, longing for Jake and panic-stricken when I start to contemplate the
return of my father in two days time. I managed to escape the clutches of a
monster tonight but the one I live with is coming home. He is the one I can’t
escape, the one whose clutches will never let me go. Never.

Jake

Jesus, what a night. I feel utterly exhausted and emotionally
drained. Saying goodbye to Bethany was even more difficult for me than usual;
it just didn’t feel right leaving her after everything she’s been through this
evening. At least I know her bastard of a father isn’t home. I wouldn’t be able
to handle leaving her if I knew his was there. I need to get her away from that
house, he’s due home in a couple of days and I need her out of there by then.
Now that I know about the bruises and how he really treats her, there’s no way
I’m letting her anywhere near him. The hard part is going to be convincing
Bethany. She’s so stubborn and wilful; it’s going to be tough for me to make
her see sense.

 It took a whole lot of self-control and physical
restraint to watch her walk through her front door tonight. I literally ache
for her when we’re apart and I’m so sick of carrying around the weight of this
anxiety, the nauseating pain in the pit of my stomach which I only experience
when she’s not with me. It’s getting worse and worse, it’s now a struggle for
me to deal with on a daily basis and I know the feeling won’t subside until I
have her. I need her to live with me, I need to take care of her and I’ll do
whatever it takes to make it happen.

I’m finally alone, meaning I can stop with the pretence.
All night I’ve been putting on a brave face, pretending that everything will be
alright and reassuring Bethany that it’s all going to be ok. The truth is… I’m
not so sure.

What I did tonight will have repercussions. I knew this as
soon as I started beating the low life piece of shit that was hurting her.
That’s why I was so reluctant to walk away, I knew my actions would have
consequences and by letting him live those repercussions would follow.

 I’ve often struggled to control my anger, I’ve always
had a short fuse and a lot of people have been hurt because of it. However,
none of it even begins to compare to the fury and the intense hatred that I
experienced just a few short hours ago. If it wasn’t for Bethany I’d probably
be in prison charged with murder right now. I really, really wanted to let that
cunt die and if it wasn’t for her and her good heart, that’s exactly what I
would have done. Even now, a huge part of me regrets the fact that I allowed
her to phone an ambulance and I also know I would have been proud to have known
I’d cleansed the world of that evil fuck.

I really thought I’d blown it when she ran away from me
again. I was convinced that I’d ruined everything. I didn’t blame her for
running out on me, how could I? God knows what she must have been through during
that hideous confrontation she had with Sarah, finding out about her and then
the miscarriage was enough to tip anybody over the edge.

I always wanted to be the one to tell Bethany the truth and
I came close to doing it so many times. I guess I’d try to find a way out of it
and frequently find an excuse why it wasn’t the right time to tell her. I was
so scared she would freak out and leave me when I told her and that’s why I
kept my past a secret for so long. I guess I’m just ashamed of my relationship
with Sarah and what we were to one another. There were times I wanted to
confide in Bethany about the baby but I knew there was no way I could talk
about it without mentioning Sarah. I never wanted the two of them to meet
because I knew how Sarah would react to Bethany; she would be jealous and deal
with it by tearing her apart, which is exactly what happened.

I couldn’t believe Bethany had managed to outrun me for a
second time. I didn’t even see the direction she took off in. My girl is so
quick and I was still in a dreamlike sort of daze over the heartbreaking
argument we’d just had. I tried phoning her a few times but it kept saying I
had no signal and it wouldn’t work. I decided I would search for her until my
phone decided to cooperate, when it finally did I kept on calling. I didn’t
really expect her to answer but I was determined to keep on trying. I planned
on making my way over to her house if she didn’t respond to her phone and deal
with the aftermath later. I knew her mum would be there but I was going out of
my mind with worry and I no longer cared about what her mother would think of a
stranger turning up at her door out of the blue. I just needed to know that
Bethany was safe.

I was walking around in circles, aimlessly persisting with
my search for her. I was hoping my endurance would soften her steely resolve
and eventually persuade her to answer her phone. I was going out of my mind
worrying about her and wondering where the hell she went. I stopped walking
when I overheard raised voices, I could make out that they belonged to a man
and a woman but I just presumed I’d stumbled across a couple rowing having an
argument. I was in the midst of my own crisis and I wasn’t sure if I should get
involved in something that didn’t concern me. There’s nothing worse than
someone inviting themselves into another person’s drama. My internal
deliberation ended as soon as I heard the young woman crying out. My mind was
instantly made up, there was no way I was about to walk away and ignore her. My
conscience would never allow me to plead ignorant and walk away whilst some
poor girl needed my help.

I decided to persevere with phoning Bethany as I made my
way over towards the muffled voices. I didn’t take my eyes off my phone, hoping
she would at least have the decency to let me know she was ok. In the distance
I could hear the sound of a phone ringing and it only took me a few seconds
before I realised it the phone I could hear was Bethany’s.

 It was that moment when I felt my heart violently
break in two. Before she ran away from me she taunted me with the idea of being
with Callum and I was consumed by a dreadful feeling that I was about to catch
the two of them together. I imagined Bethany phoning him just to spite me and
mentally prepared myself for what I was about to witness. I thought seeing her
with someone else would kill me but nothing and I mean absolutely nothing on
this earth could have prepared me for the sight I actually saw.

I knew it was my girl when I saw her on the ground. She’s
so tiny; I’d recognise her small frame anywhere. An animal was on top of her
and I could see her legs underneath him, lashing out in an attempt to fight him
off. She was powerless against his strength and it repulsed me to see someone
harming the thing I love most in this world. I knew what was about to happen,
what that evil bastard was trying to do and it made my blood boil with fury.

The internal explosion which erupted inside of me was
indescribable. My sole intention: to annihilate the son of bitch who thought he
could touch her and get away with it. That was the only thought in my head as I
raced over towards them; I was going to murder him. It wasn’t a conscious
decision, I only wanted to act on my instincts and my primal instincts were
screaming at me to destroy him before he hurt what was mine.

I wanted more as soon as I started to beat him. Pummelling
my fists against his face wasn’t enough, I wanted to draw blood. I was intent
on exacting my revenge and I had no intention of stopping. Remembering the
uncontrollable rage that was coursing through my veins causes me to clench my
fists.

 I’m on my way home but find myself interrupting my
journey to stop and take a deep breath. I try counting to ten and then to a
hundred but nothing works. My anger is vapidly increasing and I’m struggling to
cope with the urges I feel to hurt somebody. Why the hell did I let her talk me
into leaving him? I can’t erase the sickening image of him on top of her and
every time I see it in my head, my heart rate accelerates.  I feel as though
my mind is close to shattering into a million pieces. I remember the fear in
her eyes and so help me God, I
still
want revenge.

Bethany’s voice was the only thing that managed to resonate
with me when I was in the midst of my frenzy. I knew if I didn’t stop what I
was doing I’d go straight to prison and the pain of leaving her would be too
great. How could I leave her all alone with no one to protect her? I couldn’t
do it, no matter how badly I wanted to end the fucker who tried to rape her.

The idea of being apart from her is too agonising to even
contemplate. I had to ask myself whether I could handle a twenty year
separation from her and of course the answer was a definitive no. It’s my job
to protect her and how would I be able to do that in prison?
I’ve made
so many mistakes, I’ve fucked up more things than I can remember but keeping
her safe, taking care of her and keeping her from harm is the one thing I know
I can do right.

I’m nothing without her; she’s the entire reason for my
existence. If anything were to take her from me… I don’t think I’d be able to
survive. I know she loves me, she doesn’t want to live without me but the
reality is I
can’t
live without her.

I was adamant we weren’t going to help him. What kind of
man would I be if I actually called the paramedics for the piece of shit?
Knowing what he was going to do to her fuels the anger that’s already been
building up inside of me. It becomes so great I’m wrestling with myself to
contain it. I place my hands on my knees, trying to calm myself down. I got to
her in time, she’s
safe and that’s all that matters. It’s harder for me
without her actual presence, she’s not here for me to talk to and she’s not
here to reassure me that she really is ok. She told me he didn’t touch her; if
he had there’s no way I would have let her drag me away from him. He shoved her
to the ground and that’s enough for me to want him dead. If he had actually
touched her… it would have been the last thing he’d ever done.

I consider turning around and going back to her house. I
should just barge the front door down, throw her over my shoulder and take her
with me. I shouldn’t have let her go home tonight; she should be with me. I
just need to find a way of convincing her.

I rake my fingers through my hair, tugging on it
forcefully. It’s not enough. The unmistakeable awareness of my fury resurfaces.
I have an urge, a need to destroy something. My anger needs to be released
before it explodes. My knuckles are already sore and scraped but I ignore the
excruciating pain, repeatedly smashing my fist against the garden wall in front
of me. There’s no rationality to what I’m doing and I have to bite down on my
lower lip to stop myself from screaming out in pain. Despite the excruciating
agony, it’s not enough to stop me doing it again. Eventually, the blood pouring
from my hands forces me to stop. I need to get a grip; I’m going to drive
myself crazy if I carry on like this. Bethany deserves better and I need to get
home.

Every moment I was with her tonight was difficult. It was
so hard for me to reign in my anger and keep a hold of things. I forced myself
to keep up with the pretence, even after we arrived back at her gran’s house. I
made sure I put her first; I wanted her to feel secure and safe. She needed me
to be a caring and considerate boyfriend and that’s exactly what I tried to be
for her.

I still can’t shake the undeniable feeling of guilt. Guilt
for what Sarah did, shame for letting Bethany run off like that and I’m also struggling
with my guilt over what happened in the shower between us. I didn’t plan on
making love to her tonight but when she asked me to help her forget… I was
unable to resist her. Her innocence is what makes her so alluring to me; it’s
still such a huge turn for me to know that I’m the first and only man to touch
her, the only one who has been inside of her.

 I don’t understand how she’s so oblivious. She’s
completely unaware of how beautiful she really is. She’s perfect and she’s the
only one who doesn’t seem to notice. She’s so extraordinary, it’s made me
careless. Since we first had sex we’ve only used condoms a couple of times. I
can’t resist her and the thought of releasing myself inside of her is too
fucking tempting for words, making me the only one to blame for our
carelessness. I should have learnt my lesson after what happened with Sarah and
I swore I would never fuck without a condom ever again. I swore I would never
be tricked and never again take the word of a bitch who assured me she was on the
pill.

 The next time I see Bethany I really need to talk to
her about contraception. We can’t keep having unprotected sex but I’m weak and
I don’t have the strength to pull out of her. The thought of wearing a rubber,
of anything separating us doesn’t thrill me either. It would be so much easier
if she could go on the pill, of course whilst she’s living at home with her
father it’s impossible. I don’t want to be the arrogant prick who puts his own
desires first but that’s exactly what I’ve been over the last few days, taking
her without a condom is the most selfish, egotistical thing I’ve done in a
while and I plan on rectifying this as soon as possible. Before I met Bethany
sex was always meaningless. I never even thought of it as something more profound
than fucking. I’m ashamed of the person I used to be and I cringe when I think
about my numerous sexual encounters that meant absolutely nothing to me.

I hope everything’s ok at home. I switched my phone off as
soon as I found Bethany, not wanting us to be disturbed. My entire focus needed
to be on her and that’s why I’m only now switching on my phone. I made sure I’d
chased everyone out before I left the party so there shouldn’t have been any
more trouble. I doubt anyone would have outstayed their welcome, they’re too
afraid of me. I’m still debating whether that’s a good thing or not.