Always and Forever (46 page)

“You have to.” I insist, trying to swallow the resentment
expanding in my throat.

“We were drunk and I was stupid. I was so fucking stupid,
baby. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I instantly regretted it. Afterwards, it
became apparent that it had meant a lot more to her than it had done to me. She
kept pursuing me, she kept on telling me that we should be together and I admit
that I was weak. I guess it was just easier for me to fall into a relationship
with her rather than trying to avoid her advances. Being with her is the worst
decision I’ve ever made and I hate myself for it.”

 He looks up at me, his hollow eyes imploring me to
believe him. I stare back at him, making sure I keep an unreadable expression
on my face.  

“Carry on.” I say coolly.

“I was with her for about a year and we had the most
dysfunctional relationship you can imagine. Now that I’ve met you I realise I
felt nothing for Sarah, she never meant to me what you do and I can’t even
begin to compare what I have with you to what I had when I was with her.
Bethany, I would die for you. You’re my life now and you mean everything to me,
you have to believe that.”

 His big brown eyes gaze up at me with so much
sadness, I can feel my steely resolve wavering as I long to comfort him. When I
fail to respond, he lets his head fall in defeat and my conscience forces me to
say something.

“I do believe you.” I whisper.

“Thank you; I never want you to doubt my feelings for you.”

 He sighs wearily, reluctant to continue. The agony he
must have been through is still within him, its still controlling him and I
know he has to speak about it to set himself free.

“Jake, you need to tell me the rest.”

I decide to meet him halfway and sit beside him; he smiles
at me weakly, showing his appreciation of my gesture.

“I hate speaking about it; the end of my relationship with
Sarah was the darkest period of my life. Not because we broke up but because of
what happened after we did. I was getting really tired of the relationship, she
was possessive and jealous. She was spending more and more time at my house and
I felt suffocated. I think she knew I was getting ready to end things between
us and that’s why she deliberately got herself pregnant.”

“You think she did it on purpose?” I ask, gaping up at him
in astonishment.

 “I’m pretty certain she did.” He mumbles.

I can’t believe anyone could be capable of doing such a
thing. It’s beyond my imagination and understanding.

“She told me she was pregnant on the same night I planned
on ending things between us. Bethany, my father was a bastard and he abandoned
us. I carry the weight of that pain every single day and I made a vow to myself
a long time ago that I won’t ever follow in his footsteps. I don’t want to be
like him and I don’t want to make the same mistakes he did. When Sarah told me
she was pregnant, I decided to stay with her. I now realise what a mistake that
was, I could have still been a father without being in a relationship with her
but I was so scared she would stop me from seeing the baby if I told her that I
no longer wanted to be with her.”

“You felt pressured into being in a relationship with her?”
I ask incredulously.

“I only stayed with her for the baby. I wanted to do things
right and support the two of them. I got the job at the bar where I’m still
working and I put in as many hours as I could manage. My goal was to save
enough money so we could get our own place. I didn’t want to be a weekend dad
to my baby and I wanted to be a part of his or her life as much as I could be.
I also felt like I needed to keep an eye on Sarah. She enjoys partying way too
much and I couldn’t risk her doing anything that would harm the baby. My unborn
child was the only thing that mattered to me and I was determined to provide a
decent home for it, my love would have been unconditional, which is something
I’ve never experienced from either of my own parents.”

I watch him furiously wipe away a tear that started to fall
from the corner of his eye. He’s heartbroken, obviously still grieving the loss
of his baby. It hurts to see him so broken and distraught about something I
didn’t even know about, something that has nothing to do with me.

“How come she lost the baby?” I ask, moving a little closer
towards him.

“She was three months pregnant when I got a phone call one
night. A friend of hers phoned and told me that Sarah was bleeding, had stomach
pains and had gone straight to hospital. I later found out she had been out
drinking with her friends before the miscarriage and I felt so guilty. I
thought she was at home for the night, I had no idea she was at a club and
partying, she kept it from me because she knew I wouldn’t allow it.”

“Jake, it wasn’t your fault. You don’t even know that’s why
she lost the baby, lots of women go out during their pregnancy but they don’t
all miscarry. There’s nothing you could have done.” I say firmly.

“She lied to me, Bethany. She told me she had stopped
drinking as soon as she found out she was pregnant but I know Sarah and I can
tell when she’s lying. She was going to be a mum but that didn’t seem to matter
to her. The only person she cares about is herself and she didn’t want the
pregnancy to interfere with her social life. That’s the only reason I was so
intent on us living together; I knew I needed to keep an eye on her and I
didn’t trust her to be responsible. When her friend called me I rushed straight
to the hospital, I finally managed to track down Sarah and when first I saw her
she distraught and inconsolable. I was stupid enough to believe it was because
she had lost the baby.”

As I continue to witness Jake’s anguish and sorrow, I
slowly start to question his true feelings for Sarah. He must have felt
something for her; he’s still in such torment over her miscarriage. I don’t
have much knowledge about sex and relationships but even I know that a baby
must somehow unite the two people who created it. Even if the child is lost, it
must still bind those two people together. It’s an unbreakable bond and it’s
becoming more and more apparent to me that there’s still some unfinished
business between them. There can only be co much animosity between people if
there once were strong feelings there.

“Jake, I don’t quite know what to say.” I whisper softly.

“Tell me what you’re thinking, I need to know.” He turns
and gazes at me intently, pleading with me to be honest with him.

“I do feel for you, Jake. I just don’t know why you didn’t
tell me any of this before.”

“I kept it from you because I didn’t want you to think any
less of me. You and I haven’t known each other for very long and I didn’t want
the bombardment of all of my revelations to ruin things between us, not before
we’ve even started. After she lost the baby I fell into a dark place. I refused
to speak to anyone about it because it was far too painful for me to discuss. I
distanced myself from Sarah, unable to be around her. I know I should have been
more supportive but I just couldn’t bring myself to see her.
I didn’t go
to work and I refused to leave the house. One night, I got another phone call
from one of Sarah’s friends. She told me they were at a house party and that
Sarah was close to passing out. She said she was worried about her because a
load of guys were all over her and I needed to get there before anything else
happened. I raced straight over to the address she gave me and started to
search the house looking for Sarah. I couldn’t believe she was out partying
like this whilst I was locked away at home still grieving for our baby.”

 He curls his fists and I notice the pulse in his jaw
throbbing in anger.

“Did you find her?” I prompt him when he remains silent,
reluctant to finish his story.

“I searched every room in the house but there was no sign
of her or the friend who called me. I was debating what I should do next when I
realised I’d overlooked a small bedroom at the end of the hall. It was locked
so I knocked on the door, I didn’t exactly want to walk in on anyone screwing
around. There was no answer and I was really starting to worry about Sarah,
someone could have been really hurting her inside that room. I ended up kicking
the door open and that’s when I caught her having sex with some random guy. It
had only been three weeks since she lost our baby. My feelings for her had
changed, I knew I didn’t want to be with her anymore but I still cared about
her; I would have stood by her and taken care of her as a friend. She was going
to have my baby and that still meant something to me. I could see that she was
wasted and for several seconds I just stood there staring at them. I couldn’t
believe my eyes; I was so sickened by what I saw. Neither one of them had
noticed my presence; let’s just say they were being extremely vocal. I turned
my back on her, ready to walk away for good when I heard the guy on top of her
laugh. He must have noticed me in the doorway and was snickering over the fact
I had caught them. That’s when I really lost my mind, all of the pain, the hurt
and the anger I had felt since the baby came rushing to the surface and I just
saw red. I dragged him off of her and beat him until he was no longer
recognisable.”

 He turns to face me, anxiously awaiting my reaction
to what he’s told me. A part of me is horrified that Jake is capable of such
violence and another part can’t help but wonder if he was ever going to tell me
about any of this. If it wasn’t for my altercation with Sarah I would still be
oblivious.

“I really wish you had been the one to first tell me about
all of this, Jake. I can’t believe I had to hear it from her.”

“I know and I am so, so sorry for that, baby. How can I
make this better? I’ll do anything, Bethany. I need to make this right again.
It’s killing me to see so much sadness in your eyes, especially when I know
that I’m the one who’s put it there. I tried so hard to keep Sarah away from
you and I certainly didn’t want you to find out about her the way that you
did.” He says regretfully, hanging his head.

“What happened after you caught her?” I ask, wanting him to
hurry up and tell me the rest. I think we both want to get this over with as
quickly as possible.

“After I beat up the random guy she was fucking, she begged
me to take her back and wanted me to give her a second chance. She wouldn’t
leave me alone; she kept turning up at my house and playing the victim with my
family. She even had the nerve to excuse her actions by blaming it on the grief
of losing the baby. Christ, we were still together when I caught her with that
guy and I was so sickened by what she had done, I refused to see her. I
eventually threw myself back into work and tried to move on. Sarah eventually
got the message and I didn’t see her after that for a long time. I was still
trying to sort myself out; I had good days and bad. The bad days would knock me
off my feet and I didn’t think it was possible to sink any lower. It was often
hard for me to even get out of bed. About two months after she lost the baby, I
forced myself to leave the house one night so I could go and collect some groceries.
It was on the way back that I literally stumbled over this girl who was sitting
all alone in the dark. I don’t know how but I just knew she was something
special. Her eyes showed the same sadness that I was feeling and that’s when I
decided I just had to see her again. Bethany, I can’t even begin to describe
what meeting you means to me, it’s changed my entire life and I am hopelessly
in love you. When I’m with you I become the guy I’ve always wanted to be. When
I was with Sarah I wasn’t happy and I really wasn’t a good person. You make me
better and you make me want to be worthy of you.”

I pause for a moment, trying to absorb everything Jake has
told me. I want nothing more than to tell him it’s all going to be ok and that
we can move past this but I just don’t know if it’s possible.

 “Jake, you say all of the right things but your
actions don’t match up with what you’re saying to me right now. Your
relationship with Sarah happened before we even met and that’s why I don’t get
why you didn’t just tell me about it. Do you still have feelings for her? Is
that why you kept it from me?”

“God, no! I don’t care about her at all. It’s
you
that I want. Only you.” He gently grasps my shoulders, turning me to face him
and brings his mouth dangerously close to mine. He’s seconds away from kissing
me and if I don’t push him away that’s exactly what’s going to happen.”

“Don’t. You can’t just make this better by kissing me. When
we first had sex you told me you had always taken precautions, you said you had
never had unprotected sex before and you told me I was the first person you had
done that with. I can’t believe you actually lied to me.” I whisper,
overwhelmed by the level of his deception.

 “Sweetheart, I am really fucking sorry, I shouldn’t
have lied to you but when you asked me that question it wasn’t the right time
to tell you about Sarah. I always insisted that we use a condom but during the
last few weeks of our relationship I admit I was careless. She always told me
she was on the pill and a few nights she made sure I got really, really drunk
whilst she remained completely sober. I now see that it was all part of her
plan to get pregnant. I planned on making an appointment to get myself checked
when I caught her cheating on me but it was only when I met you that I actually
went. I got the all clear and that’s why I knew it was safe to be with you. I
would have never put you at risk like that if I hadn’t been certain. I’m so
sorry I let her get to you tonight; I despise myself knowing she hurt you and I
close enough to stop it if I had known. I never
wanted you to meet her,
Bethany. It’s not because I’m ashamed of you or because I wanted to keep things
from you, it’s because you’re so much better than her. You’re beautiful, smart,
gorgeous, sophisticated, amazing, intelligent, innocent and incredible. You’re
everything I’ve ever wanted.”