Always (Carter Kids #1.5) (5 page)

****

Jordan

Age 21

(Seven days later)

My life had been a complicated tornado of events, emotions and mixed signals.

Sound pathetic?

Perhaps it did, but that didn’t change the truth, and maybe I was pathetic.

I had my own definition of the word.

Pathetic was being fourteen-years-old and repeatedly having to watch your mother being beaten by the animal who, less than a week beforehand, vowed before God to honor and cherish her.

What a crock of shit.

Pathetic was my father who, after eighteen years,
still
preferred to keep company with a ghost.

Pathetic was me.

For not defending myself – for allowing the things that were done to me happen without a goddamn fight.

Pathetic was a twenty-one year old man who couldn’t stop …

No!

Clenching my eyes shut, I balled my hands into fists and forced the images and memories from my mind.

Block it out!

My goal in life was simple now: get as far away from Colorado and Idaho as I could. I wasn’t picky, any place would do, but I had one small problem.

I had to tell Hope Carter I wasn’t taking her with me.

Hope had been the very essence of my being for twenty-one years and, to be brutally honest, I didn’t have a clue how I was going to get over her, but I knew I couldn’t be with her.

I had sent her a text message on the drive up to Colorado saying I needed space, but even then I knew that wasn’t enough. Hope wouldn’t let me go without a fight, but I sure as hell needed her to because the thought of her ever finding out about me caused me physical fucking pain – worse than anything that bastard had caused ...

"Jordan, I really don’t think this is a good idea," Dad muttered as we pulled up outside the red-bricked two-storey house in Thirteenth Street. His jaw was tensed, his face set in a deep frown.

I really couldn’t care less about what my father thought was a good idea or bad.

It didn’t matter to me anymore.

None of it did.

"You're going to break her heart," Dad continued, oblivious to my lack of interest. "Kyle knows something is up, Jordan. I had to
lie
to him," he hissed. "I told him I caught you two making out last week and that's why I'm so upset, but he's not stupid."

Kyle could kiss my ass.

They all could.

Besides, after today Kyle Carter wouldn’t have to worry about me.

I was letting her go.

They had all gotten what they wanted. I was stepping out of Hope's life. She was better off without me anyway. She had a future ahead of her: a bright future, a loving family, and a stable home life.

I realized that now.

Hope Carter was going places. The girl I loved more than life itself was going to shine like the star she was born to be, and I, for once in my goddamn life, wasn’t going to drag her down to my level.

"Please, Jordan," Dad whispered. "Let me tell them what happened," he choked out in a pained voice as if the thought disgusted him.
It disgusted me.
"We can help you. You don’t have to leave."

"No," I said deadpan. "You gave me your word you wouldn’t tell a soul."

"Did you take your meds?" Dad asked after a long pause, changing the subject. "You feeling any better?"

I closed my eyes briefly and counted to ten. As if he even fucking cared. If he knew the half of what I'd been through because of his precious fucking Camryn, he'd shoot himself.

God knows I'd wanted to do it to myself enough times.

"Jordan," Dad said softly. "I know how you're feeling."

You don’t have a fucking clue.
"I'm sure you do," was my response and it was forced and layered with sarcasm.

"I've been through a breakdown." Dad glanced nervously at my wrists and then at the windscreen. "I love you, buddy, and I will do whatever it takes to make this better."

Liar.
"Thanks." I pulled the sleeves of my shirt down to cover my scars and inhaled a calming breath.

"Well, I promised I'd get you here," Dad muttered, as he killed the engine and sat back in his seat. "But I still think you should reconsider."

I stared out the passenger window of the car and said, "This won't take long." Inhaling deeply, I focused on the top floor window of the house where the curtains were moving. My heart rate spiked and I felt lightheaded.

Unbuckling my belt, I climbed out of the car and reluctantly made my way up the porch steps with my father by my side, carrying a goddamn pizza.

When we reached the doorway, Dad walked straight into the house, but I took a moment to calm my nerves and force back my guilt.

I was doing the right thing here.

I had to do this.

Hope deserved a man who could give her more. I
couldn’t
. I was too fucking damaged and screwed up beyond repair. Love wasn’t enough in this instance. Me loving her wasn’t enough to erase the pain and her loving me couldn’t fix my broken pieces. I was too fucking damaged: therefore I needed to set her free.

"Jordan," Lee said in a soft tone, meeting me in the hallway. "I'm so glad you could come," she told me before wrapping her arms around me. "How's your mom?"

"Thanks for having me, Mrs. Carter. And Mom's doing better," I added softly, stepping back from Hope's mother, feeling furious that Dad had obviously let something slip about what happened in Idaho … "Uncle Danny is keeping an eye on her until she gets back on her feet."

"That's good." Lee smiled up at me. "I hope things get better for her. For
all
of you."

"Yeah." I nodded stiffly. "Me too."

"Jordan," Lee said in a coaxing tone. "Are you … is everything okay?"

"I …"

I paused and pinched the bridge of my nose. I wanted to tell her, but I couldn’t get the damn words out. Clenching my eyes shut, I exhaled heavily. "Is she here?" Opening my eyes again, I looked down at Lee and whispered, "Is she okay?"

"She's upstairs." Kyle's deep voice came from the kitchen doorway. Wrapping an arm around his wife's waist, Kyle pulled her to his side, never taking his eyes off my face. "You can go up," he added.

"Thanks, Mr. Carter," I acknowledged quietly before heading for the staircase.

"Don't hurt her," Kyle called after me. "And I won't hurt you. You got it?"

"Never planned on it."

Breaking it off with Hope was my way of making sure of that.

When I reached her bedroom door, I didn’t bother knocking. She knew I was here. Instead I slipped into the room and closed the door behind me. Taking a deep breath and turned around.

When my eyes locked on Hope's face, the pain that hit me directly in the chest was like nothing I'd ever experienced in my life. It was fucking excruciating and knowing what I was about do made it a million times worse.

Sitting cross-legged on her bed, Hope kept her big blue eyes on me as she said, "Care to explain that text message?"

And it was in that moment I realized this would be the hardest fucking thing I would ever do – walking away from that girl – walking away from my Hope.

But she could
never
know.

I'd rather peel my skin off than confess the truth.

Bracing myself for the pain I knew was about to impale my heart, I allowed the anger that was festering inside of my body take over.

Focusing everything on the fucking shame and disgust inside of me, I glared at the only girl I would ever love and lied through my goddamn teeth …

"It's over, Hope. I don’t want you anymore. This was one huge mistake."

****

Hope

Age 18

"It's over, Hope. I don’t want you anymore. This was one huge mistake ..."

My brows furrowed as I tried to contemplate what the fuck Jordan had just said to me. "Are you serious … I mean seriously?"

Jordan remained by with his back to my bedroom door, and for the first time in my life, he looked like a complete stranger to me.

Nodding stiffly, he said in a cold tone, "I'm serious."

I exhaled heavily – every ounce of air left my body – and my lungs felt like they had been set on fire. Pain coursed through me. I couldn’t speak. I could only shake my head and gape in horror.

"Something happened in Idaho when you went to collect your mother, didn’t it?" I blurted out, my brain suddenly clicking into gear. "With your mom?"

When he didn’t answer I said, "With Paul?"

Jordan's nostrils flared, his face turned red, and for the first time in my life I was afraid of him.

"I'm not your father, Hope," Jordan sneered as he moved away from the door and strode towards me. "That perfect love?" He leaned forward, getting in my face. "You won't get that from me."

"What are you talking about?" I sobbed, feeling incensed and fucking gutted. "Why are you behaving like this?"

"Because I'm not the person you think I am," Jordan all but roared in my face. "It's over, Hope. We're done, okay? Don’t push for more. You don’t want to know the truth."

"I do," I shot back angrily, as my temper flared. "Tell me. Give me a goddamn explanation for why you're behaving like this?"

Jordan remained silent and that's when I lost it.

"Fine," I screamed. "Suit yourself, Jordan," I cried. "Ruin your whole life! Wreck mine! Be the fucking asshole that’s deep inside you."

Grabbing my neck, Jordan dragged me forwards and plunged his lips to mine. The second his mouth touched mine, I lost a little of myself, but I soon found my senses.

Pushing him roughly away, I raised my hand and slapped him across his face. My hand stung, but I refused to show weakness.

"Don't ever touch me again," I spat, furious. "You think you can put that mouth on me? After what you just said?"

I shook my head in despair and blinked back the tears that were filling my eyes. "Give me something," I croaked out, staring up at the only boy I had ever loved. "This isn’t you. Tell me. Tell me!"

Every inch of his body shook as he now blocked me out, pushed me away "I don’t love you, Hope," he hissed, jabbing his finger in my face. "Happy now? You were a fucking mistake and I want out."

Lowering his head, Jordan Porter looked me directly in the eyes and said: "I. Don’t. Want.
You
."

I stood, frozen to the spot, my heart shattering in my chest as Jordan removed a folded brown envelope from his pocket and tossed it on the floor at my feet before leaving my room.

When I realized what that envelope held, the broken pieces of my heart turned to stone, my legs gave way beneath me and I crumpled to the floor.

Well, that just showed me …

Jordan Porter had never loved me.
Oh, God!
What was I going to do? I could barely breathe …

Suck it up, Carter!

Suck it up now …

Had he no shame – no soul or heart or anything inside his chest?

Well, I knew the truth now and I would
not
love him. If it killed me, I would
not
love that man again.

It stopped now!

Pressing that crinkled envelope against my chest, I promised myself that I would never let someone do this to me again.

I would never let another man do this to me.
Never again
! No way! I wouldn’t let anyone get close enough to hurt me. I would build a wall so damn high around my heart no one would
ever
penetrate it.

****

Jordan

"Jordan, are you okay?" Logan asked the second I reached the bottom step of the staircase.

Shaking my head, I grabbed my jacket off the banister and shrugged it on quickly. "Tell your sister I'm sorry," I muttered as I opened the front door.

I was close to freedom.

I could almost taste it – if I could just keep my feet moving and my mind blank.

I was almost there …

Stepping outside, I inhaled a deep breath and forced my legs to move. I was doing the right thing. I knew I was.

I felt someone grab my shoulder and my whole body shook violently. Every muscle in my body stiffened. I clenched my eyes shut and willed myself to calm down.

"Tell her yourself," Logan said quietly, removing his hand from my arm. "She deserves your words, Jordan," he said. "Not mine."

"My words aren’t worth a damn, Low," I growled as I continued down the path towards my father's car.

Jerking the car door open, I swung around to look at the kid who had grown up so much in the past few years he was barely recognizable anymore. "Tell Hope that I'm sorry and just … just take care of her for me, okay?"

"You're making a mistake," Logan called out, folding his arms across his chest. The wisest of the four Carter kids faced me with an expression of sadness etched on his face. "And you're wrong," Logan added. "Your words are the only words Hope wants – the only ones she'll hear."

"Take care of her."

Climbing into the driver's seat, I slammed the door shut before I could change my mind. I was doing the right thing for the both of us. Time would confirm this. And distance would keep her safe.

****