Arrest-Proof Yourself (61 page)

Say good-bye to the glove box. The kids will have to carry everything in plain sight, which is the point of the exercise.

ONLY ELEPHANTS SHOULD HAVE TRUNKS

Remove the backseat so that the vehicle cannot carry four young men in the “crew cab” formation that sends cops vibes that say, “Arrest me!”

Disconnect the trunk opening switch if you have one, either by cutting the wire or pulling out the fuse.

Take the tire AND THE TIRE TOOLS out of the trunk and place them in the now seatless rear of the car.

Weld or superglue the trunk lock shut. If you, the parent, sometimes need the use of the trunk, get the lock rekeyed instead. You keep the key, not Junior.

NOW WE’RE DONE

Stay free, people. It’s what America’s all about. Get a clue from this book. Stay away from cops unless you need them, and never forget to
keep your dope at home!

PART IV

AIDS TO LEARNING

THE GOLDEN RULES

Shout these out a few hundred times until they’re burned into your memory. You
will
be glad you did.

» #1: IF COPS CAN
^’
T SEE YOU, THEY CAN
^’
T ARREST YOU.

» #2: KEEP YOUR DOPE AT HOME.

» #3: TELL COPS YOUR NAME AND BASIC INFO, THEN SHUT THE HECK UP!

THE MAGIC WORDS

These are hymns of freedom. Sing them. Chant them. Use them. Next time you encounter a cop, go home instead of to jail.

When cops say,
“Hey you, c’mere.”
You respond,
“Officer, have I done something wrong?
^”
When cops ask,
“Why are you hiding?”
You respond,
“Because I’m afraid of police.”

RESPECTFUL WAYS TO REFUSE ANSWERING QUESTIONS

Youth Version:
“Officer, I
^’
d like to answer your questions, but my mother told me that, in a situation like this, I should not say anything unless she and our attorney are present.”

Adult version:
“Officer, I’d like to answer your questions, but my attorneys told me that, in a situation like this, I should not say anything unless they are present.”

When cops ask,
“Why are you giving me your credentials?”

You respond,
“I wanted to write down my basic information so I wouldn’t make a mistake when talking to police.”

When cops ask,
“Why do your credentials carry the text for refusing to answer questions?”

You respond,
“I wanted to be able to read this phrase in case it becomes in my best interest to end this interrogation.”

Last-ditch emergency technique to avoid arrest:
“I’ve crapped my pants and peed on myself.”

Words to use when seeking a young lover’s driver’s license:
“Darling, our love is strong, and we’ve got to be strong. Showing me your license is the strongest proof that you love me, and that what we’re doing is right, so very, very right. If you’re too young, we can wait. Our love will only get better, sweeter, and closer over time.”

What you say after hearing your Miranda rights:
“I want a lawyer. I will not say anything unless my lawyer is with me.”

How to refuse a vehicle search politely and ask to go free:
“Officers, I apologize for the traffic violation. I have answered your questions and cooperated with you in every way. However, I am late and urgently have to be going. __________(Fill in the blank with reason.) Are we finished? May I go now?”

INDEX

accent

accusations, false

add-on charges

addresses

age of consent

alcohol, use of

appearance

arrest quotient (Arrest-Q)

arrest records

arrestability by area

arrests, importance of number of

attitudes

attorneys

Automatic Fingerprint Identification System (AFIDS)

avoiding cops, reasons for

background checks

basic information

baton pokes

behaviors