Arrest-Proof Yourself (59 page)

SEARCH IT, BABY!

Gloves will keep your fingerprints off contraband. There’s nothing like genuine cowhide to protect you from needles, knives, razor blades, dope, used condoms, dead cats, and whatever else knuckleheads stash in your car.

Poke way, way up underneath those seats and root around in the corners. Careful; this is where the junkies dump needles!

Check the ashtray first, then wash that bad boy out or get rid of it. Now go for the glove compartment, the center console, and the door storage. Don’t forget the windshield visor compartments, doo-dad caddies, and trash bags.

Mirror, mirror, under the wheel, Searching for dope is no big deal! Use an old CD or compact mirror to peek up under the steering wheel enclosure, a favorite place to hide crystal and weed. Use your music so you don’t have to face the music!

The trunk is where dummies hide the bad stuff like guns. Take some time here and probe in all the corners and in the back. Don’t forget to look in the tire well and among the tire tools. It helps to toss out all the trunk junk first and give it all a good shaking.

Take a minute to peek into the air filter. Many clueless types think cops don’t know to look there. Wrong.

YOU FOUND SOMETHING. NOW WHAT?

I said searching was easy. But what if you find something? What follows is extremely important. Do it right and you stay free. Do it wrong and the stuff can hit the fan. Obviously you want to search your car somewhere you’re not visible to police or nosy neighbors who would love to dial 911 when they see you taking something illegal out of your vehicle. Even though you’re the innocent victim here, you can get hammered for possession.

ALWAYS WEAR GLOVES WHEN SEARCHING YOUR CAR.
Leather gloves will not only prevent your leaving fingerprints and DNA on anything you find, but will also protect you from needle pricks from syringes. If you discover drugs or guns, throw away your gloves after the search. You do not want to possess gloves that contain traces of illegal drugs or gunpowder residue.

IF YOU FIND DRUGS OF ANY KIND
(weed, powder, crystals, blotters, spliffs, roaches, pills), here’s what you do.

1. Put them into an opaque plastic bag so nosy neighbors can’t see what you’re up to.

2. Take them indoors into your own house (where police cannot search without a warrant). Grind up everything in the disposal if you have one. Otherwise, flush the stuff. If there is any quantity, dispose of it
a bit at a time
so as not to stop up the pipes. Plugging up plumbing with dope comes under the heading of hitting the fan.

3. Wash out any bags with soap and water, then toss them.

After you find dope in your car, ban any passenger who left it from ever entering your home or car again. If children are the culprits, you need to have a serious chat. Use the masculine approach. Don’t ask them why they carry dope, what they’re feeling, why they need it, and what they’re thinking. Just tell them the stuff is illegal. Keep it simple. Dope does not enter your car now or ever, under any circumstances, period. Take immediate disciplinary action. Do not let this go uncorrected.

IF YOU FIND PARAPHERNALIA
of any kind, here’s what you do.

1. Place glass or ceramic bongs between cardboard pieces and smash them with a hammer.

2. Place metal pipes and bongs on a hard surface and smack them with a hammer.

3. If you find a syringe,
carefully pick it up so as to avoid a needle-stick
, which can kill you if the needle is infected with AIDS, hepatitis, cytomegalovirus, or other horrors. Pull out the plunger and soak everything in undiluted liquid bleach. Squirt some bleach through the needle. Now place the nasty thing between cardboard and give it a smack with the hammer.

4. Place paraphernalia in an opaque bag so nosy neighbors can’t see anything.

5. Don’t put it in your own garbage or your neighbors’. Use a municipal dumpster only. Many dumpsters are filmed by video cameras, so you want to be seen or photographed tossing a bag, not the paraphernalia itself. Wear a hat. Most security cameras take low-resolution images, and you cannot be easily identified while hatted.

The reason you destroy paraphernalia is that you may have to carry it in your car for disposal. You do not want to have usable paraphernalia in your car where you’re subject to being stopped and searched. If cops do stop you and find the stuff, explain what you’re doing.

IF YOU FIND STOLEN MERCHANDISE,
call your attorney. Willful destruction of evidence is a crime. Ask first, dispose second. Don’t keep the stuff, even if you want it.

IF YOU FIND A GUN,
this is a dangerous situation. Pay attention. Clueless and criminal types leave loaded and cocked guns in other people’s cars because they’re wasted or because they used the weapon in a crime and need to dump it. When cocked or chambered, both revolvers and automatic pistols will fire easily if jostled. Make absolutely sure no one, including yourself, is facing the business end of a gun.

You
do
want to turn in this weapon to police, because to dispose of it on your own may cause you to commit the crime of withholding evidence. If you turn in the weapon in person, however, you risk being

arrested as an accessory to a crime

arrested as a material witness

interrogated by police