As Autumn Leaves (10 page)

“Not anymore. Never again,” Althea said proudly. “But if I’m not wrong, then you’re not either.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Not exactly, no,” Althea said, “but it doesn’t make you broken.” She shifted again so she could gently cup Kayla’s face in her hands, tilting her head so they could look each other in the eyes. “There is nothing wrong with you. You’re the way you are and that’s amazing.”

Kayla leaned back, wiping away the one tear escaping her eye. Althea let her move away, dropping her hands, resting them lightly on Kayla’s arms. Kayla liked these sort of light, comforting touches, but she wouldn’t ever be able to give Althea much more.

“You’re being sweet,” Kayla said, “but I still don’t think you understand.”

“I think I understand more than you,” Althea said, standing suddenly. She went to her desk and picked up a pamphlet. “And I definitely know what it’s like to be confused and lonely. I bet you are too. You need to figure things out.”

“I don’t think there’s any figuring out to do.” Kayla had worked it out while she was with Jason. She wasn’t like everyone else.

“Sure there is,” Althea said. She sat again, holding out the pamphlet for Kayla to take. “Remember when I told you my family and I go to a support group in the city? It’s not just for lesbians and their families. There are gay boys there too, and transgendered kids. And people who are asexual.” She paused and held out the pamphlet more insistently, and Kayla took it cautiously, as if it were a snake ready to bite. “I didn’t go this weekend because I had my tournament, but my family went. And I asked my dad to get one of these pamphlets. I read them all when I first started going to the group, and after the other night when we talked—”

“You mean when we kissed and then I yelled at you?” Kayla hid her face in her hand. “I’m super embarrassed by that.”

“It’s okay. I was a little hurt at first, but then I thought about what you said, and I remembered what I read, and then—well, I don’t know what you’re thinking and feeling for sure, but reading that might help.” She stood again. “I’m going to go get us a snack. Why don’t you take a couple minutes? Maybe it’ll help. Maybe it won’t, but at least it’ll be a start. Then when you’re ready, we’ll talk about. But I want you to know I’m here for you. I’m not giving up.”

“Okay.” Mostly Kayla wanted to curl into a ball and go to sleep, but she appreciated the effort Althea put into her. She looked at the pamphlet, shiny and done in a black, gray, white and purple color scheme. And printed boldly, proudly, across the front, it said
Asexuality: what it means to be
.

IT’D BEEN
a couple days since Kayla’s talk with Althea—a couple days of reading on the Internet, official sites on asexuality, and lurking around forums where people told their stories, some heartbreaking but some happy and hopeful. She knew now she wasn’t alone. There were others like her, people who wanted romantic relationships but didn’t want the sex, didn’t want to get very physical. And they could have happy and healthy romantic relationships, even with people who experienced sexual attraction. Each couple worked out what was best for them, and knowing that filled Kayla with hope, especially when it came to Althea.

Sometimes people wanted to have friendships, and nothing romantic, and they were asexual too so they weren’t exactly like her. There were differences between what asexuality meant for different people, and that was okay. It didn’t mean anyone was broken or needed to be fixed or wasn’t normal. Because they were. It was normal for them.

Finally believing there were others like her, Kayla felt less alone in the world. Plus, she had Althea, someone in her life who actually
knew
.

Althea had given her space and time, but Kayla was tired of being lonely. Now, with Althea, she wasn’t anymore. Althea accepted her for who she was. Althea still wanted to be with her, even with knowing there would be some compromises in their relationship.

Kayla never thought she’d have that.

Kayla and Althea lay on Althea’s bed. Not touching, but on their sides facing each other, curled like they wanted to touch but weren’t sure about it yet. Nevertheless, Kayla had never been more comfortable being near someone.

“You’re okay with this?” Althea asked.

“This is good. I don’t mind this. I don’t mind cuddling either.”

“Yeah?” Althea moved over a little. Their knees bumped, and Althea put her arm over Kayla’s waist. “This is good?”

“This is great.” Kayla could get used to this.

“You have to make sure you tell me,” Althea said. “I’m not always going to know what you like and what you don’t like. So just tell me, it’s okay.”

“I like
you
,” Kayla said, poking her tongue between her teeth playfully.

Althea rolled her eyes, but she looked extremely pleased. “I know
that
. I meant the physical stuff.”

Kayla made a face. “I don’t know, I just don’t. I don’t have a lot to go on, and I don’t know how far I will and won’t like it. Sex is a no. Cuddling is a yes. Holding hands is a yes. Kissing is—mostly a yes, but maybe sometimes a no? I have no idea.”

“Anytime you’re uncomfortable, tell me,” Althea said.

“What about what you need? What you want?” Kayla still worried she wouldn’t be enough for Althea, but Althea repeatedly swept aside those concerns and tried to reassure her.

“I want
you
. I want to be with you, in whatever way works.” Althea lightly touched her forehead to Kayla’s. “We’ll figure out the rest as we go along. Together.”

“Right. Together.” Kayla smiled giddily.

Kayla was happier than ever. She’d learned tons about herself—emotions that were already there, maybe, but now she understood it was
okay
and there were other people like her.

She’d read some sad stories people told about being a teenager and not knowing or understanding asexuality, and going a long time feeling broken and alone and like they needed to be fixed but couldn’t be. She understood, but she knew she was lucky to have someone like Althea. Althea, who’d suspected this about Kayla before Kayla could pinpoint what it was.

And maybe Althea would never be able to understand completely but she was willing to work with it so they could be together. Girlfriends. And now Kayla was in a real relationship, not a pretend one to try to fit in with the rest of her class. She was with someone she liked, and with someone who liked her for the way she was.

Kayla hummed quietly, then said, “Speaking of together….”

“Oh, no,” Althea replied, grimacing. “I know what this is about.”

“What?”

“The Halloween dance on Friday.”

Kayla blinked in shock. “What? How’d you guess?”

“Ernie cornered me after calculus class,” Althea said. She scrunched her nose. “Something about a double date and zombie James Bond.”

Kayla laughed. “Okay, yes, that’s exactly what I was going to bring up. Hannah and him want to!”

Althea and Kayla weren’t out at school—as far as anyone else was concerned, they had their growing friendship—but their close friends knew they were together. Ernie and Hannah, and Chantelle. Ernie and Hannah thought it was great, and Chantelle supported Althea, so they had a close group of friends. And it was enough for now, but Kayla wanted to get to the point where she didn’t care if anyone else knew. She hoped it happened for both of them some day.

Althea made a face again. “You know what I think about dancing. Me dancing, anyway. You dancing is great. Me? Not so much.”

“You don’t have to
dance
. Come and hang out.”

“You’re going to be dancing, aren’t you?”

“Okay, yes, of course I am.”

“So I’m supposed to stand off to the side and watch you?”

“You like that!” Kayla said teasingly, and Althea giggled. “I won’t dance the whole time. And I don’t think Ernie does much either, so it’s not like you’ll be left alone.”

“And it’s a Halloween dance? So I’d have to dress up?”

Kayla could tell Althea softened on the idea. “You don’t have to dress up in a super crazy costume. Hey! We can go to the secondhand store tomorrow on the way home from school and find some clothes for costumes! It can be our first date.”

“A date?” Althea’s eyes shone happily, and she snuggled in a bit closer. “I like the sound of that.”

“Oh, sure, you’ll shop as a date but not go to a dance?”

Althea laughed, busted. “Okay, okay, I’ll go. Chantelle wanted me to, so maybe her and her boyfriend could come with us? A triple date or whatever.”

“Deal!” Kayla leaned in and brushed a kiss against Althea’s cheek, giggling happily. “Thank you.”

Kayla pulled back and put her head down again. Althea half buried her face into her pillow but the tug of her smile was evident in the rise of her cheek. Kayla understood how she felt—her happiness threatened to break her apart too.

“HI, MOM!”
Kayla called when she came into their apartment. She dropped her backpack onto the floor near the coat closet and hung her jacket. Going into the kitchen, she hummed quietly and searched for a light snack.

“Aren’t you in a great mood.“

Kayla closed the fridge door after grabbing a juice, turning with a beaming smile. “Yes, I certainly am.”

“And what’s the cause for such a smile?” her mom asked. She leaned a hip against the counter, arms crossed over her chest, her face genuine and curious.

Kayla didn’t want to lie or keep more secrets. This was it, the moment she’d have to speak up.

“I was at Althea’s.”

The easy look started to slip from her mother’s face. Kayla tried not to worry—after all, their last conversation about Althea hadn’t gone over great.

“Oh. Were you doing homework? I thought the big project was done.”

“It is,” Kayla said. “And, no, we were hanging out.”

“And that makes you happy?” Cautious, curious, but not angry.

“It really does.” Kayla took a deep breath and rushed quickly. “Because she’s my girlfriend and I like spending time with her.”

Her mother blinked. She didn’t look particularly surprised or upset, but she didn’t say anything either.

“I like her,” Kayla continued. “In a way I never liked Jason, and in a way I’ve never liked anyone else. And she… she knows about me, and she respects me.”

Her mom tilted her head to the side. “What does she know about you, honey? That you like girls?” She did not seem surprised. Maybe she’d realized already and was waiting for Kayla to confess, or maybe she talked herself into not being a drag about it if Kayla did confess. Either way, her calmness was encouraging. Kayla didn’t think she’d have to worry about her mom getting angry, not after their last serious conversation.

“Yes, she knows I like girls—I know I like her, so I guess it means I could like other girls someday too. But, mostly it’s—” Kayla paused, putting a finger up in the air. “One minute. I’ll be right back. There’s a better way to explain.”

Kayla rushed to her room, grabbed two pamphlets she’d got from Althea from her dresser drawer with the plan to show them at the right time. Maybe her mom had snooped and found them, and that’s why she was being so cool. It didn’t matter, Kayla needed to do this.

One of the pamphlets was the same one she’d read about asexuality, and the other was a guide with suggestions for parents with LGBTQA+ kids. It wasn’t much, but at least it was a start.

“So,” Kayla said, back in the kitchen. “The Ritters go to this support group in the city once in a while. For gay kids, and other kids too, but also for their families. For understanding, and how to be supportive, all that sort of thing.” She handed over the pamphlets. “You should maybe read these. They explain way better than I can.”

She took the papers, eyes widening when she read the covers, and darted a glance at her daughter.

Kayla was uncomfortable and unsure what to say. Her ears burned, and so did her cheeks. “Right, so,” she said quickly, “maybe read those over and then you’ll understand about me. Or at least, you’ll know how I feel about… sex. And stuff. Okay. Okay, I’m going to go to my room.”

She rushed out, and thankfully she wasn’t stopped. She exhaled a breath and picked up her backpack, making her way back to her room. She tried not to worry about her mother too much, because she expected her to walk right in there and give Kayla a piece of her mind if she wanted. Kayla hoped she did. At least it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary.

Kayla wasn’t disappointed. For twenty minutes, Kayla was unable to focus on her homework, but then her mother appeared at her bedroom doorway. She leaned a hip against the doorframe, like she always did, and the pamphlets were in her hand.

“So. I bet there are videos on the Internet about this.”

Kayla burst into a relieved laughter, tension seeping from her body. “I bet there are.” She hated how much her voice shook, and her mother completely softened.

“Oh, honey,” she said, coming to sit on the bed beside her. She put the pamphlets down and wrapped her arms around Kayla. Kayla happily sank into it. “This is what’s been bothering you so much lately, hasn’t it?”

“Only because I didn’t know what was wrong with me,” Kayla whispered.

Her mom pulled away but put her hands firmly on Kayla’s shoulders. “Kayla Margaret Caruso! There is nothing wrong with you.”

“I know now,” she said, trying hard not to cry. Her mother was the best ever, and she should’ve known she could’ve talked to her. “Althea helped me.”

“And Althea, she’s….”

“She likes me for me,” Kayla said. “She says the lack of… stuff… doesn’t bother her.”

“I’m sure it doesn’t.” She sounded fiercely determined, oddly like Althea when Kayla spoke with her about it. “I’m out of my depth here with this, but any relationship takes effort and communication, so make sure you do that with her, and it’ll be easier.”

Kayla laughed again. “Mom! I never expected you to give me dating advice for a girl.”

“Relationships are relationships, doesn’t matter who is involved. I only want you happy and I can notice the difference, from last week and last month and last year.”