Autumn Leaves (19 page)

“I’m really sorry,” he said sincerely. “I never meant to make it look like what you do doesn’t count. It’s your job, and it’s every bit as important.”

Then why did they have to have the dispute anyway? Rebecca held back the question and instead went into the house and upstairs to finally have that talk with Dina.

“Mom.” Dina made a face, but at least the vacation had placated her. To Rebecca’s relief, there was no yelling. “No one got pregnant. It was a mistake.”

“Anna has a boyfriend though?”

“Yeah.” Dina sighed soundly. “Her mother freaked when she found out. I had hoped you wouldn’t.”

“I’m not freaking out, Dina. I know you are not a child anymore,” Rebecca was gritting her teeth a little saying it, “and you need your privacy.”
But you’re too freaking young to have sex, damn it!
“Dad and I are still responsible for you. More than that, we don’t want you to get hurt, so I hope you know that you can always come to us, with any questions or whatever is on your mind.”

Dina smiled, and Rebecca had the strange feeling that they had changed roles for a moment. One of them was handling this situation way better. Rebecca was afraid it wasn’t her.

“Mom, calm down. I kept the test for Anna. Her parents found out anyway, and she’s on permanent house arrest for the moment. Which isn’t fair but...anyway, I don’t plan to have sex anytime soon. According to Anna, it’s not all that anyway.”

“Is there anyone you like?” Rebecca asked, now even more relieved.

“Mom!” Dina all but whined. “The boys in my school are so silly. There’s no one who’d be responsible enough, you know?”

Which is good, but couldn’t you tell me that over the phone instead of yelling?

“Okay,” she relented. “You have a lot of time to find out what you want. Everything will be okay if you don’t let yourself be rushed. Then it’s not all that bad.”

Dina grinned. “I figured. You and Dad must have done it twice at least.”

“Dina!”

“It’s okay. Is that all? I promised Maggie I’d make her up as Ariel, dress rehearsal for Halloween tomorrow.”

“Sure.”

The whole exchange had felt surreal, and the feeling didn’t vanish when David returned to the room. “By the way,” he said, “Mom is coming over to spend the evening.”

“She is?”

Rebecca had the eerie thought that Laurie would take one look at her and
know
. “Why?”

“Because you and I are going out. Since you had to work while the girls and I had a good time, it’s only fair.”

Before their trip, Rebecca might have approved, but now, she only felt tired. “I don’t know. I don’t really feel like going out.”

“Come on. I made reservations. It will be fun, now that all work and unpleasant conversations are out of the way.”

Not all of them
. Rebecca forced a smile. “Maybe you’re right.”

* * * *

Callie was just about to step outside the house, retreating back inside so abruptly she nearly stumbled. No, she had no desire to say hi to David Lowman who had returned earlier with his daughters and a car full of presents.

She’d known this would be hard. She’d known she’d break down at some point. Callie just hadn’t expected this moment to come so damn quickly. She knew how to take care of herself. She had freed herself from an abusive relationship, taken her life back, and now...She just felt herself crumbling. It was a bit masochistic to stay behind the curtain and watch her neighbors, but she couldn’t help it.

Rebecca wore a coat over a long red robe, the wind tearing at her hair. Callie had known reality would catch up with her, but it was practically thrown in her face. Rebecca might have been honestly thinking about telling her husband. Obviously, that conversation hadn’t taken place yet, or maybe it had. Callie couldn’t tell what was worse, but in any case, it ended up with her alone. She stood by the window for a long time as the sky was clouding over, fitting her mood perfectly. The wind was picking up, swirling leaves around, rain moving in. Could the heavens be crying at her misery, or was it just plain irony?

Callie wandered into her bedroom, bypassing the kitchen where there were still a couple of wine glasses in the sink. She lay down, closing her eyes, the hint of Rebecca’s perfume still lingering, a dubious comfort.

* * * *

The restaurant David took her to was the most expensive one in Autumn Leaves, with actual stars and a chef who won awards. Not the place where one should get drunk.

Rebecca had tasted the same sweet red wine on Callie’s lips. Now it presented a welcome escape and a dare at the same time. If the words came out, she wouldn’t be to blame. Rebecca had to discover that she couldn’t just walk the worlds effortlessly. Truth be told, she would have liked for everyone to just leave her alone, David, Callie, too much emotion for her to handle.

If she had enough to drink, maybe David would get the hint and realize she wasn’t in the mood for any reuniting activities. As if Laurie sleeping in the guestroom wasn’t a good excuse in the first place.

“Do you need help with that?” he asked, later that night when she was cursing over the resistance of the dress’s zipper. She’d felt bad wearing it in the first place, as if putting on a pretty dress to go out with her husband was a betrayal. To Callie. To David.

Rebecca was about to say no, but he was there already, carefully pulling down the zipper as he kissed her shoulder.

“Thanks,” she said, making a halfhearted attempt to pull out of his grasp. “David. I’m tired.”

“Let me do something about it?” He was still holding her, but had stilled his hands. Rebecca felt dizzy, which could have been entirely from the alcohol. She wasn’t fooling herself.

“Yeah, please. Let me have a good night’s sleep.” Guilt was creeping in, making her words sharper than she’d intended. For sure, she hadn’t gotten much sleep over the weekend.

“Okay. Sure.”

Even long after the lights were turned off she feltl his disappointment. Doubts. Questions.

“I’m sorry,” she said, not needing to check if David was still awake. She knew.

He was silent.

“I mean it.”

“I know. It’s just...” David sighed. “We haven’t had a lot of time together lately. To talk.”

“That’s true,” Rebecca agreed.

“I was thinking...We had so much fun on this trip. I know I’ve been spending too much time on the road. Leave you to deal with everything. I’m really sorry about that.”

She turned to face him, wincing at the surge of vertigo. Rebecca wasn’t going to protest, because what he said was the truth, if that conclusion might come too late. The sad thing was that yes, she’d felt lonely and even annoyed sometimes, but she’d never thought she would cheat on him. The room felt claustrophobic all of a sudden.

“This might come out of the blue, or actually, I hope it doesn’t, but…” His nervousness didn’t bode for anything good. “How would you feel about one more child?”

He had literally stunned her into silence. “Before you say anything, I could find ways to stay home more often. I’d want to.”

You don’t want to now?
“David.” Rebecca didn’t know what to say, and all the things that were coming to mind were probably not the right ones. “We said we wouldn’t.”

“Yes, but—”

“Did you forget what happened the last time? Doc Herman said there was a high risk.”

“Maggie turned out fine,” David said with a hint of defensiveness.

“Yes, she did, thank God for that.”

“I understand. It wasn’t easy for either of us.”

“Right, but you didn’t spend the last weeks forced to rest and going crazy.” For the moment, Rebecca could easily put aside the fact that she was the one who had cheated. She felt pretty much betrayed right now.

“I won’t do it,” she said.

“Jesus, Rebecca, what’s up with you lately?”

“Nothing. Maybe it’s not me.” That was the first lie. Of course it was her. It was all her.

“All right. I guess we’ll talk some more when you’re sober again.”

For all the good that would do, Rebecca thought bitterly.

* * * *

“Please, if you’re there, call me back.”

For the second time, Asha’s voicemail had picked up. Maybe she wasn’t the right person to call. Callie didn’t know where else to go when she had woken from the nightmare, lying in the dark fully clothed, a familiar fear setting in. She hadn’t had any of those moments since she’d moved into this house and, for sure, she hadn’t missed them. Asha wasn’t home. Maybe it was better that way.

Callie tossed the phone onto the nightstand and crawled under the covers, not bothering with undressing. At the moment, she just didn’t care. Why would Asha? Callie had brought on this misery all by herself, in exchange for being happy for what, a few hours?

Screwup
, the memory of Nicole mocked, a voice still more prominent than Callie would have liked. This time, it wasn’t just about her and a lack of self-respect that had trapped her in this impossible situation. This concerned another person, a family. Pulling the covers higher, Callie came to a troubling realization. While it was her genuine intention to make Rebecca happy, she might have achieved just the opposite so far.

* * * *

They talked in the morning, neither of them having slept much. David had apologized, admitting he was still somewhat disappointed about Rebecca’s definite answer. He’d told her that he loved her. He said it again when he’d stepped into the shower stall with her.

“David, no. Not with your mother under the same roof. I can’t look her in the face!”

What was she doing anyway? Stay, go, she had to make a decision. If she wanted to pretend nothing had ever happened, she couldn’t continue evading him like a frightened virgin.

“It’s my house,” he whispered. “I can make love to my wife when I want to.”

Does the wife have a say in this too?
Not like she could blame him. David had no idea what the reason for her reluctance really was. He had no idea how scared and trapped she felt.

“I guess there’s something to it,” she said.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” she said, letting her mind go blank. It was better trying not to think, to feel at all than being aware of the chasm that had opened up beneath her feet. She was going to fall either way.

Rebecca thought she was hallucinating when David who’d said he’d just step out of the house for a few minutes before breakfast, returned with Callie.

“Look who I ran into,” he said. “Callie hasn’t eaten yet. I thought it would be irresponsible to let a neighbor go hungry.”

“Callie!” Maggie jumped off her chair and ran to hug her. “Do you have another book for me?”

“Maggie,” Rebecca chided. “That’s not polite.” She barely dared to look at Callie who looked as hung over as she felt, but once their eyes met, she couldn’t take her gaze away.

“Are you going to feed us anytime soon?” Laurie asked disapprovingly.

It was like being in a fog, separated from the rest of them. Everyone was talking and laughing. No one seemed to notice that Callie was unusually quiet. Rebecca was lost in a world of her own. She felt exposed, the family life she’d once been proud of now seeming like a show. To an outsider, it had to look all happy and natural, while inside, it was killing her. Callie had to know. Callie had to understand that she had to keep this up until the world stopped spinning madly and she could make a decision.

“I’m sorry, but I really have to go now. I’m waiting for an important call, sorry. Maggie, I’ll bring you that book next time.”

“Wait.” Rebecca caught up with her in the hallway. Callie stood and turned to look at her, and the world fell away, the voices in the dining room fading. She waited patiently for the words Rebecca didn’t know how to say.

“You don’t have to explain.”

They both knew it wasn’t true. Rebecca had a lot to explain, and not just to Callie.

“I just need time.”

Callie shook her head sadly. “No, what you need is to forget. Don’t worry, I’m not going to make it harder on you. You had a good evening. I’m glad.”

“I didn’t mean to...Please, Callie. He’s my husband.”

“Yes, I know.”

Rebecca realized that she’d just given away everything Callie had only been fishing for before. She didn’t have to keep wondering if her actions made her a bad person. The answer was pretty clear.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

She took a step forward, her hand touching Callie’s face like she had only two nights ago when they’d been lying together, foolishly hoping for something to remain. Callie hastily backed out of the touch.

“Friends, right?” she said, smiling, though her eyes were bright, tears spilling over.

“Please wait.”

“I can’t. I think you’ve had your answers. We both got what we wanted. There’s nothing more I can give you. I’m sorry, Rebecca.” She turned and fled, nearly running across the street. Rebecca stood frozen, unable to fight the feeling that something terrible was about to happen, like a car hitting her. On the other side of the street, Callie unlocked her front door, not once looking back.