Autum's Lost (A letting go series) (2 page)

Clarissa sits up and now her sobs have turned into hiccups. “Please don’t be mad,” she says, her face is in so much pain that I crumble.

“No, sweetie, this is fine. She loved you two so very much, there would be no way I could not let you guys in here.”

She smiles a sad smile and Kirk says, “We better go, my dad has called a few times and mom is picking us up.”

Clarissa grabs her coat and then helps Kirk up off the bed. Clarissa stops at the door. “I miss her so badly; it’s like part of me is gone.”

I look at her and say as the tears slide down my cheeks, “Me too, sweetie.”

My office is my sanctuary. I had it built about 10 years ago; the soft cream walls accent the Brazilian Cherry hardwood flooring. The antique mahogany desk is a unique piece, the top is flat like any desk but the drawers are on top of the desk instead of below and there is a beautiful light wood inlay in the center; I had it delivered from Massachusetts because I searched forever for one and knew there wasn’t anything like it around here. I have a Tiffany inspired desk lamp on top of my desk, with numerous pictures of Autum and her artwork is framed around the loft on the walls, including a 42’ flat screen. Two cream leather swivel rockers sit in front of the T.V and the red soft leather ‘listening’ couch in front of the desk. But my favorite thing in this room aside from the artwork of Autum’s, is the stain glass window with a padded bench seat built in beneath it. When the sun starts to set, the light coming in gives off this aura of beautiful colors, like a da Vinci painting coming to life.

Here I can breathe and let myself relax.
As soon as I close the door and ascend to the landing at the top, I see my best friend is lying on my “listening” couch with her hands in her lap. Autum called the couch that, because when she was in trouble, I would take her upstairs and sit her down on it and say “I need you to listen to me.”

“Hey,” I say as I walk to my desk.

“Hey yourself,” Jess says not looking away from me. “We need to talk about the white elephant in the room.”

“Fine,” I replied flatly, leaning back in my chair rubbing my eyes.

“I am your best friend, for twenty years lady, and believe me when I say this. You need to be done with Curt.”

I lean forward on my desk and steeple my hand under my chin, sigh loudly and say, “I know, Jess, I KNOW!”

She looks at me, then to the ground before she says. “Addy, I can’t even pretend to know how you are feeling. I know that I would give my life for my children, and you did for Autum. That’s why she turned out the way she did. Honorable, strong willed, sassy and absolutely beautiful.” Her voice cracks, I place my face in my hands and rub my eyes vigorously. They hurt, like acid has been poured in them.

I lean back in my chair, look up to the ceiling and say, “He’s been screwing around for years.”

Jess’s eyes got huge and she jumps to her feet “I’m going to fucking rip his balls off!!” She starts pacing like a caged animal back and forth. “God, Addy, I heard the rumors, but I figured it was just that - crap rumors! I have always hated him because of his douche bag attitude, and the way he talked down to you.”

I look right at her, cock my head and say, “While you are up, will you get me a beer from the fridge? This conversation is going to take alcohol.”

She cocks her head back at me with raised eyebrows and then says, “I was not expecting that sentence out of your mouth.”

I blink a few times and then look ahead at the beautiful stained glass window in my loft and say “Yeah. Well, like I told my dad, I have some shit to take care of, and THIS, is the shit.”

Jess goes downstairs to gather our alcohol for the evening and I hear Curt at the bottom of the stairs ask her, “Is Addy up there?”

Jess says quietly and with pure distain in her voice “Yeah, she is, but you are not welcome up here tonight, so stay the fuck away!”

I hear Curt sigh with exaggeration and then say, “You are lucky that family is here, or I would throw you out myself.”

“BIG surprise there, Curt. Ma
nhandling women IS your specialty!” Jess says a little louder.

“Fuck off, Jess, you have no right to speak that way to me!”

Jess laughs loud and menacing before she says “Actually I do, pin-dick. You think you have everyone fooled, keeping your piece of ass on the side, don’t think for a minute that you are fooling me.”

I walk over to the landing to look down at the pissing contest going on, and clear my throat.
Instantly, two pair of eyes are on me. I close my eyes for a second, and take a deep breath to contain my temper. “Are you two done?”

Jess nods her head and Curt starts to say “Sweetie.”

I glare at him and he shuts his mouth quickly. “I need a beer. And Curt, you need to stay down there with the relatives so they don’t barge up here and get in my space.”

He glares at me and spits “This is bullshit!”

I say with sweet sarcasm in my voice, “No sweetie, this is me, dealing with OUR crisis.” Jess’s eyes bulge out of her head while Curt begins to breathe heavily. He glares at me again as he turns around to walk down the hallway.

Jess looks up at me and mouths, “Oh.My.God!”

A six pack later, I am lying on the listening couch. “So the first time I heard Curt was whoring around was about 12 years ago. The anonymous letter came to me in the mailbox,” I remark to the ceiling. Jess turned off the 42-inch flat screen T.V and turns around to look at me. I had her undivided attention now. “Yes, I was devastated,” answering her questioning look. “I hired a private investigator named Jack to watch him, and two weeks later I had pictures in hand of the affair.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Jess asks half pissed.

“I had
a four year old, a beautiful house and for whatever reason I was in love with him.”

Jess nodded a few times, and I added “I wanted to make my marriage work desperately, but as the weeks rolled by, and I
kept noticing the signs that Jack told me to watch for, it was evident that the affair was still going on. I confronted Curt, and he denied it naturally, until I laid the pictures out on our bed.” Jess looked at me and cursed under her breath.

“Curt broke down and confessed the whole thing.
I told him I wanted him to go to counseling, and that he had to cut ties immediately with her and he agreed.”

“WAIT,” Jess cut in, “you said the first time.”

I nodded “Yes, that was the first of five.”

Jess’s mouth dropped opened and her face turned bright red.
“Seriously, Addy, why did you stay? I don’t get it, and why didn’t you tell me!?” She yelled.

“Jess, I stayed for Autum. She adored her father, he was her light, and no matter how shitty of a husband he was, he was never a bad dad.”

Jess quietly absorbed this information. She began chewing the inside of her mouth. “I can honestly say that he did adore her in every way, but you should have told me.”

I looked at the floor and nodded my head. “Over the years, I just filled his absence with volunteering and making Autum my priority.”

Silence came over us. Jess broke the silence with, “When the funeral is over tomorrow, you need to start making yourself a priority.”

I looked up at her but could not see her clearly with the tears in my eyes “Yes, but I have to get my shit in line. My dad is going to help me with the insurance; will you help me with the rest?”

She rushed over to the listening couch, put her arms around me, and said sternly “Abso-freaking-lutely!”

Sleep is a funny thing when you haven’t had any for four days. Images and dreams start to collide
with each other, and figuring out which is real starts to feel like a test of mind control
.

I hear the phone r
inging and I pick it up. “Hello?”

“Mrs. Baxter?
Is this Mrs. Addison Baxter?” The woman’s voice on the other end says.

“Yes, this is Addison Baxter. Who is this?”

“This is Alex Mason from Peterson County Hospital. Mrs. Baxter, we need you and your husband to come to the hospital as soon as you can. There has been a car accident and your daughter Autum was involved.”

I drop the phone and run to grab my keys “FUCK,” I yell, “Autum took my car!”
I scramble to get her keys out of my purse and run to the driveway to get in her car. I turn the car on and peel out of the driveway. I phone Curt’s cell and tell him that I am on the way to the hospital and he needs to get there A.S.A.P.

Curt starts
to yell wildly into the phone. “I FUCKING TOLD YOU THAT SHE NEEDED TO GO HOME AFTER THE MOVIE! SHE COULD HAVE HAD A SANDWICH AT HOME WHEN IT WAS OVER BUT NOOOO, YOU SAID IT WAS OK TO GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT!”

“Where the fuck are you, Curt? HUH?!
Its 11:30 at night, so say goodnight to your WHORE and get to the hospital!” I yell back, and with that I hang up the call. I slam the car in park and run to the E.R. doors. I run to the nurses’ station and loudly demand, “Where is Autum Baxter?” I hear Curt run into the E.R. at the same time I ask about Autum. We were looking at each other with such malice that we didn’t see the E.R. nurse approach us.

She cleared her throat and said “Mr. and Mrs. Baxter?”

We both look at her and reply “Yes,”

“I am Alex Mason, the E.R
. nurse, please come with me.”

We follow her through the automatic doors to a counseling room. We both sit down and a highway patrolman enters.

“Your daughter Autum was hit by a drunk driver tonight. The car’s driver side took much of the impact and she was the driver, her injuries are numerous and she lost a lot of blood. She is in surgery right now and I will keep you updated on the progress. If there is anything we can do for you, don’t hesitate to ask.”

Alex gives my hand a squeeze and walked out of the room. I know the highway patrolman is asking questions but I can’t hear him.
I see Curt looking at the floor and I look up at the officer and say, “My daughter’s boyfriend was in the car.”

“Yes, ma’am, like I was saying, the male passenger suffered minor injuries and his parents are just down the hall with him.”

“Did you arrest the drunk driver?” Curt asked.

“Yes
, Mr. Baxter, he has been booked and is sitting in jail.”

“So, he didn’t suffer any injuries?” I ask bewildered.

The officer looked away for a second and then back at us and solemnly says “No.”

I wake up breathing heavily, and sweating.
I stumble over to the mini fridge and get a bottle of water from it, taking a long drink; I sigh and then put the cap back on. I hear something behind me, and then he clears his throat. I walk over to my desk and turn on the lamp. In the corner, like a rat hiding, is Curt. “Stalk much,” is all I can say.

He clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth, which annoys me, and then says, “She’s dead because of you!” My rage flares white hot in an instant, and I grab a glass paperweight from my desk and throw it at him.
He ducks and it slams into the wall, shattering into pieces.

“Fuck you, Curt!” I yell at him. “You play the awesome dad card at every PTO meeting, tumbling meet, basketball game and then go fuck your whore at night. Do
n’t think I don’t know of your twenty two year- old brunette ‘secret.’ You have absolutely no right - NO RIGHT! - to say anything negative to me. There is a reason I don’t have sex with you anymore; you make me sick. When we have to hold hands, I bathe in sanitizer because I feel disgusted by you. In eight hours WE will lay our daughter to rest, and on Monday morning I will file for divorce.” I am breathing heavily and my hands are balled so tightly that my nails are digging into my skin.

Curt looks at me with shock. His mouth is open but says nothing.
I hear a clearing of a voice and we both turn our eyes to the stairs. My father and Uncle Jon are staring at both of us. “Fuck,” I say under my breath and look at the ceiling.

Curt shakes his head, “Well, this is awesome.”

I look at my dad and ask, “How much did you hear?”

When Dad remains silent, my uncle Jon replies, “All of it.”

My dad then says, “We all did.” Curt and I both look confused; we walk over to the stairs and look down. Curt’s mom and my mom are at the bottom of the stairs softly weeping.

“I’m sorry you had to hear that.” I say

Curt adds quickly “No, she’s not. She planned it this way.”

Curt’s mom yells “CURTIS TODD BAXTER, SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!”
Curt looks at his mom, mouth open, and eyebrows raised to his hairline. He turns to me, with daggers in his eyes, and then he stomps down the stairs and slams the front door. I just shake my head, turn around and head back to my desk.

“Addy?”

“Yes, Dad?”

“Do you have a good lawyer?”

I sigh and nod my head.

He nods once and says “Okay then.”