Autum's Lost (A letting go series) (5 page)

BOOK: Autum's Lost (A letting go series)
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“Jess
.”

“Hmmmm
?”

“I am going to go on a vacation, and I want you to come along, somewhere out of the country, maybe someplace exotic, or maybe somewhere scenic, so I can try and figure my life out.”

Jess looks at me with surprised eyes. “You, want me to go out of the country with you, on a vacation?” She looks confused now.

“Yes, you are my best friend; it would be amazing to have you along. Why do you look confused?”

“I’m conflicted, not confused. God, I want to go! But my house would be burned down to the ground, children would be missing, while Skylar is in the fetal position out on the front lawn.”

I laugh, “He can’t be that bad with the kids.”

“No? He put water on a grease fire Addy, need I remind you his dad is a retired fire fighter?”

“Oh
,” I mouth, smiling and looking away

“Yes,
oh
. I rest my case.”

Chapter 10

 

The rest of that weekend and the following week I was up to my ears in tags and boxes to get ready for the garage sale. I walked down to the basement to retrieve more tags and it was like walking into 1996. All of Autum’s baby clothes and toys were in boxes against the wall. Her crib was full of all the stuffed animals she collected over the years, and put down here because she didn’t want her friends
to find them when she turned fourteen; handmade posters of her girls club with her and Clarissa both as presidents because, according to Auty, they had to share duties of keeping the boys out.

I sat down on the couch and took everything in; I could see her playing with Jess’s old prom dresses so she could be a princess, hear her laughing hysterically when she dressed our beloved Black Labrador, Floyd, in a pink T-shirt, and remembered watching her heart break and her sobbing the day we put him down because the cancer had taken over his body.

I lay on the couch and softly wept, tears for my beautiful Autum, and tears for my wasted time with Curt. What kind of woman had I turned into all these years; weak, pathetic? What kind of woman allows her husband to walk all over her and make a mockery of their marriage? Obviously, me. I allowed this. My crying has weakened my mind for the moment, and enough for my body to relax, so the world that is sleep will encase me.

It was dark when I finally awoke groggy and disoriented; I pulled myself out of the basement and decided that task was for another day. As I was walking into the kitchen to make a sandwich, a soft knock was at the front door. I turned on the porch light, and when I
opened the door, the sight of Curt was a shock to say the least. He was completely disheveled, dirt and what I assumed was vomit covered his shirt and jeans, his once Chestnut hair was greasy and looked like a comb hadn’t touched it in days and his facial hair was starting to look like a birds nest.

“Curt, why do you look and smell like a hobo?”

“Can I come in Addy? I need to talk to you. Please, I am begging you, just listen to me?”

I step aside, and the smell hits me as soon as he walks by. “Oh. My. God Curt! If you plan on talking to me go clean up. The smell coming from your body is making me want to puke.”

He lowers his head and quietly speaks, “I’m so sorry Addy, I never meant to hurt you, if me being here upsets you I can leave.”

I sigh “No, Curt, I can handle a conversation, it’s the smell that I am not dealing with. Your clothes are still in the bedroom and the bathroom has your stuff as well. Go clean up, and brush your teeth. Then we can discuss our situation. I am making B.LT’s, do you want one?”

Curt looks up at me solemnly and nods once. “Thanks, Addy, I appreciate this.”

Twenty minutes later a normal pretty boy looking Curt emerged from the bedroom. I gave him his plate and we sat down at the table. “Do you want some water?” I asked.

“Yes, please, I’m done drinking, probably for the rest of my life.” He shakes his head.

I retrieve two bottles of water from the fridge, and place one in front of him. Sitting back down I look up at him and tilt my head. “Why are you here Curt? I mean, I know you have been staying with your folks, but, by the
look of you tonight, I would have guessed you are living under a bridge.”

Curt looks away his jaw tightens and he swallows hard, before turning back to look at me, but his usual green eyes are now grey looking. “Mom and Dad kicked me out, the day we had the argument in the garage, they heard about it. I have no idea how, small town talk I guess, but when I pulled in the driveway that night, they asked me to get my head clear and not to come back until I have apologized properly to you.”

I sit back in my chair, so many questions to ask, so I started with the obvious one.

“Were you drunk when you got to your parents that night?”

“Yes, unfortunately I was. I had, what I can remember, a bottle of Jack in me.”

I place my arms on the table and place my hands in front of my face as if I was praying. Maybe I was praying that I wouldn’t kill him, or maybe that I was thanking his parents for kicking him out. “Curt, why? Why would you drive drunk
? My God, that is what killed Autum! Do you think that thought wasn’t lost on your mom? She lost her only grandchild, do you think she wants to lose her only child as well?” I was keeping the yelling in check, but that was about it.

“No, Addy, that was the last thing I was thinking.” He states with pain in his voice, “I just hurt, that’s all, every day, and all I see is Autum. Her smile, her laugh, and her beautiful blue eyes she got from you.” I look away from him and he continues. “I drove past the gym on Tuesday because that was the day she would have had basketball practice, I know she would have had tumbling yesterday so I drove past that building. I know today is Friday, which would have been her last game of the season, and I have to
go back to work on Monday without the ‘sorry it’s Monday’ quote and kiss from her. There isn’t a minute of the day that I don’t think of our daughter.”

Tears are now streaming down both of our cheeks and I have settled down my fight instinct. I go into t
he bathroom and grab the tissue box. When I return Curt is standing against the island in the kitchen with his arms crossed. I slide the box over to him. He looks up at me again and then cast his eyes down to the ground.

“I came here tonight Addy, to say I am sorry, sorry for the affairs, sorry for the d
rinking. I have been a complete and utter fool in our marriage. And now that it’s over, I am lost, I have nothing. No matter what else I accomplish in life, I know I can never fix us. I could always fix Autum, no matter what was bothering her, a hug, a talk, ice cream; I was always able to help her.”

I have been
stunned into silence. Never in nineteen years has he ever admitted to the affairs let alone the drinking aspect of it. I always had an excuse for him when he was drinking. He was loud and arrogant, worse if it was whiskey. He came home one night after a bender of whiskey and smelled like another woman. I told him I hoped he would pass out in the shower so I wouldn’t have to clean the sheets and be reminded that he was whoring around.

“Why, Curt, all the women, why wasn’t I ever enough for you?” I looked right at him,
I wanted to know this, and I
needed
to know this.

“I’m selfish, Addy, I had you in a pocket all for myself, and then along came Autum, and that pocket got bigger. I wanted someone just for myself, so I wouldn’t have to share. I thought, if I kept Autum and you safe and happy, I was allowed that. I made myself believe this, but it was never enough. When you found out about Lexus and I
saw the pictures on our bed, I knew I was fucked, but I didn’t care. I told you what you wanted to hear.”

I stared at the floor; my face was starting to turn red. I start to fight an internal war of words with myself.
Addison, you asked him, and he is telling you. How can you get pissed? How can I get pissed? I wasn’t enough for him; I was never enough for him. Let him talk, he needs to get it out. No I’m done with this, he doesn’t deserve my tears. No, but what would Autum want you to do? God I hate you inner voice!!

“Curt, I loved you from the moment we were a couple, you swept me off my feet. I lost a lot of friends when we started dating, but I stayed with you, because I loved you, we got married because I loved you, had a child together because of that love. Now you are telling me I wasn’t enough? That you had to have me and one on the side, all the time?” I am now red faced and seething mad.

Curt looks down at the ground his arms are still crossed. “Do you hate me Addy? I know I would if I was you.” He takes a deep breath in and lets it out as his arms fall to the side.

“I don’t hate you Curt, I hate what you did to me, to our life together. It was a façade, or that’s how I feel now looking back on it. I don’t want you to be mad because I don’t care anymore. You should be mad because I once did, and you were too blind to see that.”

“You’re right, I was blind and I did take you for granted. I only have one favor to ask of you, well actually two.” Curt looks up at me with a questioning look in his eyes.

“What?”

“Will you please call my folks and tell them that we spoke. You never have to forgive me, but please let them know we have spoken. It will mean more coming from you than it would me. I told them that we would be civil towards each other and hopefully we can be friends again one day.”

I nod my head. “Yes, I will call your folks, I love them dearly, and they mean the world to me.” I pause for a moment, “And favor number two?”

“Don’t sell the house; I heard that you might be doing that. I can’t stop you but I ask that you stop before you do anything in a rush.”

I look away from him as
I take a breath and look at the ceiling. “Curt, this house is too big for one person. I have to get all the shit out of it before I can actually do anything with it.” I look at him again and shake my head. “How ironic is it that you are worried about this house when you were really never here. Why? Why are you so concerned if I sell it or not?”

“Because, A
ddy, this was Autum’s home for sixteen years, and in less than a month you want to get rid of everything and sell it. It’s like you are trying to get rid of all that we had together.”

I look straight at him and my face is warm I can tell I am going to say something that will sting.
Breathe Addison, this is what he wants, a fight. He wants to argue, don’t give him that. Well, internal voice too late for that.

“You are half right on that statement, I do want to rid this beautiful house of memories that haunt me. But listen carefully Curt, none of the memories I am trying to cleanse it of are Autum’s.” Curt is holding in the argument, I can see him internally fighting himself. He shakes his head and looks out the window before turning and walking down the hall into the bedroom. He shuts the door and I am standing in the kitchen wondering what the fuck he is doing or going to do.

He emerges finally with two suitcases and a duffle bag full. “Can you please call my folks in the morning? I will get a hotel tonight and then head over there tomorrow so I can get things sorted out with them. Thanks for the shower and the sandwich Addy.” He turns and heads to the front door, “For what it’s worth, you were a fantastic mom; I know Autum was very proud of you.” Then he softly says, so low I almost missed it, “So was I.”

I shut the door as he walked to his car and drove away. What in the hell was that all about? No mean comments, no yelling? I have this not so great feeling in the pit of my stomach. Curt never lets an argument die and he is the king of insults. I have the little voice in my head telling me to go to the bedroom. As I open the bedroom door and turn on the light I see the letter laying on the bed.

 

Addison,

I can’t tell you in words how sorry I am. You don’t care anymore and frankly, I don’t blame you. I provided for you and Autum and never asked for anything in return. I fucked around multiple times and laughed about it when I thought I got away with it. You used to have these ocean blue eyes that shined when we made love, and now they are dark blue not shining, not happy. I will sign the divorce papers without fail, and you will be free to find your new life with some other man; probably that tool bag Michael. Autum would be happy with that choice. Clarissa was the sister she never had. I always wanted another child with you, if you give us another try I can make that dream come true. The thought of another man putting his hands on you enrages me. I kept you safe for a long time, sure other men saw your beauty but I knew you would never stray. Is it fair that I did? No probably not, but I gave you whatever you wanted or needed. I can still do that if you make the right choice and call the divorce off. Maybe we can have an open marriage this time around, I would be ok with that arrangement, as long as the other person for you was a woman. I can’t have you being with another man. Think about it Addy.

Yours, Always, Curt

 

My arms dropped to my sides and the letter free falls from my hand to the floor, as I replay the last sentence over in my head “
I can’t have you being with another man.”
And I know this is the eye before the shit storm hits.

BOOK: Autum's Lost (A letting go series)
7.97Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
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