Away (39 page)

We got into the car, but this time, I didn’t sit in the passenger seat. I threw myself across the back seat and bawled hard into the fabric underneath my face. I grabbed his cowboy hat that was beside me and held it tightly against me as I sobbed out in pain. Mel was in hysterics as she drove us out of the hospital parking lot and eventually onto the highway. I didn’t know where she was taking me; I could only hope it was to a cliff or bridge so I could jump off of it. I needed to see Jase, and that was my only hope. Everything in my life that was finally starting to make sense had vanished within seconds as the tornado of disaster swirled around me, only to drop me and leave me with the aftermath of nothing. My world had just been destroyed, and life had just robbed me of happiness and love. Damn life and its destruction. Damn it to hell, I thought as I hugged the hat tighter, screaming his name, wishing too hard that this hat were him instead.

W
EARING
THE
ONLY
BLACK
DRESS
I owned, I walked into the living room of Mel’s apartment. A sloppy ponytail on the nape of my neck, the cowboy boots from Jason, and a red swollen face that was splotchy from days of crying completed my look.

“How do I look?” I asked, not even caring of the answer she would give me. I just didn’t know what else to say.

“Like a woman who just lost someone they love,” she replied quietly.

“I don’t want to go Mel. I don’t have it in me to say goodbye. I can’t say goodbye to him because I know when I do, it means it’s real. And it can’t be real. It just can’t be. I sit and pinch myself, praying that I’m just stuck in some nightmare.” I stretched my arm out to show her the pinch marks. Each one stung like a bitch and only reminded me of how real all of this was.

She came rushing over to me. “Jesus, Cass.” She gently reached for my arm and inspected the pinch marks. “Why?” she asked as she dropped my arm and let it fall down as she threw her arms around me.

“I just wanted to wake up. Tell me to wake up,” I told her, crying on her shoulder, and quickly covering it in tears.

“I can’t because you’re not sleeping, Sweetie. This whole fucked up nightmare is real. It’s so real and you better believe I would give anything to make it go away, to wake you up, but it’s not a dream and I can’t do anything but be here for you.”

She held me for what seemed an eternity but in reality was only ten minutes. Life could have fooled me. We somberly got in the car, and with his black cowboy hat in my lap, we began our drive to Keaton. We weren’t an hour into our drive when I had a panic attack and needed Mel to pull over. Everything inside of me purged itself three times on the side of the highway before the dry heaving came. I finally went numb. I sat on the side of the road with my knees tucked under my chin and my legs tightly gripped. Mel sat next to me rubbing my back. Cars flew by, whirling up dust and debris around us until Mel said we had to go or we’d miss his burial. My mind, body, and soul didn’t know if it could handle such a thing anymore. I always thought a broken heart was just that, broken. I didn’t believe it could break even more after it had already been broken, but I knew my theory would prove wrong once we got back to Keaton and to the cemetery.

We got back into the car and my phone showed that I had a text message. I opened it up and saw it was from Moose. He had been texting and calling since that horrible day at the hospital, keeping me updated on the burial. Like the good friend Jason said he was, Moose checked up on me. He even drove my car down to Alamosa where I was staying with Mel. He looked as horrible as I felt inside and out, our eyes puffy and swollen, our faces red and burned from the salty tears. He tried to convince me that I saved Jason, that I gave him hope and life, and a reason to live again. How could I have saved him when he was gone? I fought him on it but he wouldn’t let me believe otherwise. He really was an amazing friend, and I was glad for the support and concern, but nothing was going to help me. Not today. Not text messages. Not
anything
. I read the message from Moose.

Are you okay? Are you guys coming?

I texted him back two simple words, no and yes. His response was quick, telling me he’d see us soon. I put my phone in the cup holder next to me as Mel continued driving.

We arrived, but the parking lot was already starting to fill up. People wearing black and cowboy hats and boots quietly left their cars and trucks. The vision sliced through my chest as a picture of Jason in his hat and boots stole my sight for a moment. We stepped out the car and braced ourselves.

My eyes immediately went to Trish and Bart who were standing close by. I knew how they would look today, but seeing their faces was enough to make me want to run the other way. A nauseous feeling grew inside me as I walked up to them. I threw my arms around Trish, and she held me tight as her somber tears ran down my shoulder. She pulled me back and again, there was nothing to be said. Nothing that could help right now. I was then being hugged by Bart. He always seemed like an easy-going man even though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Today though, he was breaking. We all needed each other. I hugged him back tightly before letting go.

I walked across the grass with the cowboy hat in hand, and dragged my feet past several chairs until I got to him. I pulled my boots off one at a time and placed them next to his casket that waited to be lowered into the ground. I set them side by side as they leaned on each other for support. I couldn’t wear them anymore. The only reason I had them was because of Jason. Now he was the only reason I couldn’t wear them; he was gone. I couldn’t look down at them and see the gorgeous cowgirl boots that he bought me. All I could see was heartache. They needed to be buried; they belonged with him. I lifted the cowboy hat to my lips and placing a kiss goodbye on the front of it, I set it down next to my boots.

I stepped closer and put my hand on the top of the casket, feeling the smoothness underneath my skin. I closed my eyes, picturing him lying so still, pretending he was sleeping, and wishing I could see him and hold him. I prayed his eyelids would open and those green eyes that I loved so much would be staring back at me. I opened my eyes, gazing at the casket underneath my hand. I had to talk to him. I didn’t care who was walking up behind me, or staring at me.

“I want to play a game with you Jase. I’ll go first.” I took a deep breath, letting the tears roll down my cheeks.

“Why did you leave me? We had plans. You and I were going to finish college together. You said you’d be okay, so why are you gone? Why did you leave me?” There was nothing, only a slight breeze whistling through the trees in front of me. “Please answer the question. I need you.”

I heard a few sobs and gasps from the audience building up behind me, but I didn’t care. He needed to answer or he would forfeit, and he
never
forfeited. I lost it. I screamed phrases that I had never screamed before in my life. I threw my hands in the air when it hit me that he wasn’t going to answer. Never again would he answer one of my questions. Never again would I get to play a game with Jase.

I felt a strong pair of arms around me as I was getting ready to slam my hands on the casket. His casket. Jase’s new home.

“Let me GO!” I screamed to the stranger holding me, my back pinned tightly against his chest.

“Shhh,” he said gently in my ear.

“No! He has to answer or he’ll lose his turn,” I cried out.

“It’s alright. I’ve got you,” he said quietly, keeping his arms around me. I didn’t know what it was, but his soft soothing voice and reassuring words were calming me over, and for a minute, I was able to take a breath. I closed my eyes, inhaling and exhaling deeply as the stranger kept his arms around me.

“That’s it. Just breathe. You’re okay,” he said, whispering in my ear, his lips so close that they were almost touching me. His voice caused a shiver to run down my spine as his hold kept a strange calm over me.

I opened my eyes and turned to see who was holding me. His eyes held mine as I did. They were hazel and had a striking, green color laced through them. I was about to speak to him when I saw Mel walk up, and suddenly, his consoling arms left my body and released me to her. The calmness that had run over me instantly vanished. I felt my breath become rapid again as I ran into her arms, hiding my face in her neck, her hair covering the world around me. She held me as we walked to her car, not once looking back. I couldn’t. There was no point. He wasn’t going to wake up and step out of his casket. Nope, he would be lowered six feet down, the dirt covering him until it filled the hole that perfectly surrounded his body. There was no use in looking back. What’s done was done. What he once was, he was no more, and what we once had, had forever gone away.

“Sweetie, we need to stop by their house. We have to pick up your stuff.”

I knew this. I knew that my belongings were still in that damn house, sitting, waiting for me to go back to it. I left it the day of his transplant. I left it, knowing that I would be back. Moose felt bad for delivering my car and not my belongings, but I honestly didn’t know if I could take them back. They held too many painful memories. “No! Absolutely not. Please, just get me out of Keaton, right now.”

“How about I just run in and grab it then?”

“Why?” I looked over at her, my hands in the air.

“Cass, you need your stuff. It will only take a second,” she said in a tone that told me I wasn’t going to win this battle.

I dropped my hands to my lap. I didn’t have any fight left in me. “God, I just don’t even care anymore. Do whatever you want.”

It felt like we’d been on the shortest stretch of road when we pulled up to the house that I once considered a happy place. Now all I saw was heartache and death. I could see Melanie unbuckling her seatbelt while she kept her eyes on me. The stinging behind my eyes felt like blades trying to dig out of my sockets. It was brutal and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

“Where are your things?”

I closed my eyes, and saw my suitcase that I put in his room. It felt like I put it there ages ago. “In, it’s in.” I let out a hard sob. “His room,” I said as I struggled to breathe in-between the hard cries.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. “I’ll be right back. Can I have your keys?”

I knew that I was picking up my purse with my hands as I reached behind me to get it, but I couldn’t feel anything. I felt like a puppet, and someone else had moved my limbs. She pulled out my keys and quietly got out of the car. I wished I could be brave. I wished I could walk into the house that once felt so warm and welcoming, but I couldn’t. Everything I became was because of him and that house, and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at it again. I dropped my head to my lap and let the tears soak my bare legs, drenching them, as the pain inside poured out of me like a waterfall.

It didn’t take long for Melanie to come back. She opened the door, and I could hear her sniffling. I slowly pulled my body up from my lap and looked over at her through my tear-soaked eyes. Her face was red, her eyes swollen with tears, and her demeanor matched mine. She wasn’t the friend trying to walk on eggshells around me just moments before. She was in pain. She placed my luggage in the back and sat down on the front seat, holding something in her hand.

“Mel?” I sobbed. “What is it?”

“Cass, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She put the item in her lap as she laid her forehead against the steering wheel in front of her. “I went in. I was doing okay. I tried so hard to hold myself together for you. I’m your friend and I was trying to be brave. Then I went down to his room. I could feel the tears coming as I grabbed your suitcase, and then this... This fucking thing. I saw it and I lost it.” She lifted her head, her eyes drenched with tears. I was hurting for him, for me, and now for Melanie.
Damn it
. I shook my head. I didn’t understand what she meant though; I didn’t know what ‘this’ was. She took in a deep breath between a hard sob and handed me the item on her lap.

I took the item in my hands. It was hard and looked like a book. I looked over at Melanie. “Turn it over, Sweetie,” she whimpered.