Bachelor Mother (16 page)

But it’s not pity you’re offering her.
They had to talk about this sooner or later. It might as well be right now. He sat back down on the large couch and eased himself underneath the afghan, curling his body around hers. He liked to watch her sleep. He positioned his body so their heads were close together.

Then he reached out a hand and stroked her cheek gently with one finger. First her nose crinkled and she moved her face away. Then, as he continued his light caress, Mel moaned softly and tried to bury her face in the pillow. Bubba leaned over and kissed the back of her neck.

“Hey, Mel,” he whispered.

“Mmm,” she responded.

He smiled. She was a morning person, not given to waking up at all hours of the night. But this was special.

“Mel?”

Her eyes slowly fluttered open, a dazed expression in them before they totally cleared. He could almost see the workings of her mind as she realized where she was.

“Oh, Bubba,” she began. He put his finger over her mouth. If there was one thing he didn’t want from Mel, it was an apology.

He moved his head so his mouth was close to her ear, so he wasn’t looking at her face. So she had a little privacy, could take the time to feel through what he was going to say.

In the end, when he said the words, he felt as if all the tightness was leaving his chest. It had taken so much effort, laughing and joking when all he’d wanted to do was tell her how much she meant to him.

“Mel, I love you.” His voice was barely a whisper but he was sure she heard it.

He could feel the slight stiffening of her body, the way she pulled away from him, so he wrapped his arms around her body and pressed her against the warmth of his.

“I’ve loved you for a long time. I don’t know when it started or how. I just know I love you.” He stroked her back slowly, wanting to ease the tension and fear out of her body, wanting to make her feel safe enough to reciprocate because he knew she loved him. Mel wasn’t the type of woman to put that much feeling behind lovemaking if there wasn’t an emotional involvement. She couldn’t fake emotion.

“Every time I’ve wanted to talk to you about the way I feel, you’ve pushed me away. But I just want you to know – ” he took a deep breath “ – I love you and I don’t think it’s the kind of love that will go away in a few weeks. Do you know what I mean?”

He felt her slowly nod her head.

“And it’s not just the baby.”

He heard her take a deep, shuddering breath.

“I don’t expect an answer right now,” he continued. His chest was slowly starting to tighten again. In his fantasies she would have answered, “I’ve always loved you, too!” But he knew Mel, knew how stubborn she could be. It wasn’t meant to happen that way. Not yet.

“I don’t want you to feel pressured. I just want you to know how I feel.” He kissed the soft skin underneath her ear. “I love, you, Mel, and it’s not going to go away. Not ever.”

When she didn’t answer, he levered himself up on his elbow and looked down at her face. She was perfectly still but tears welled in her eyes and one slowly spilled over and ran down her cheek.

“Hey.” He kissed her face, reached with one finger and caught the tear. “Hey.” The other one spilled over and he kissed its path. “Mel, it’s all right. I
love
you. I can’t think of any other way to say it. I’m not very good with words.”

“Oh, Bubba,” she whispered. There was a touch of sadness in her voice. “I never meant for this to happen. You believe me, don’t you?”

“I know, Mel. But it did. It’s like one of those waves that pulls you under. You fight it for a little bit, then you just let it take you and it feels good, you know?”

She nodded.

“I don’t want to fight it anymore, Mel. I don’t want to be with you and pretend you don’t matter to me.” He took a deep breath. “So no matter what you may think or what you want out of all this, I just want you to know how I feel about you. Okay?”

She nodded, looking so miserable it tore at his heart. He gathered her up in his arms and held her tightly.

“Go back to sleep,” he whispered. “I’m going to be here in the morning.” He held her as her breathing slowly deepened. Then he carefully got up and made a more comfortable bed out of pillows and blankets by the fire. He picked her up and lowered her into the makeshift bed, then tucked the covers around her.

Sliding in beside her, he put his arm around her. She turned, nuzzling her cheek against his shoulder. He kissed her forehead.

“I mean it, Mel,” he said softly. As he lay in the darkness he formulated his plan. As the first faint streaks of sunlight began to slip across the blankets he smiled and slowly closed his eyes.

* * *

When she woke up, she was surprised to find them on the floor in front of the fire in the midst of a nest of pillows and blankets. Bubba was sleeping soundly, the faintest of smiles on his face.

For a moment embarrassment took over. She thought of pulling on her clothes and sneaking back to her house. But looking at his face, she couldn’t. What had happened last night was so very special. More than lovemaking, there had been something there she didn’t want to think about.

As Bubba’s feelings for her were deepening, so were hers for him. Somehow, somewhere along the line, he’d stopped being simply Bubba her friend. A new dimension had been slowly added on. She knew exactly what he’d been feeling last night because she felt the same.

Her feelings toward him were expanding, circles of emotion growing wider and wider, letting her view him in an entirely different way.

I love him.
She lay back down in the pillows, watched his chest rise and fall and studied his face – the familiar blond hair lightened by the sun, the laugh lines at the corners of his eyes. He hadn’t shaved that weekend and there was a slightly darker stubble along his jawline. She wanted to trace his chin, wanted to touch him. But she couldn’t wake him when he looked so tired.

So she simply watched him. As she did her hand slid down to her belly and she wondered at how lucky she was. If she couldn’t burden Bubba with an instant family, at least she still had his child and could someday tell her she had been created out of pure, total love.

Melanie woke with a start later that morning. It was as predictable as clockwork. Glancing quickly at Bubba, she was glad to see he was still sleep. The last thing she wanted was for him ever to see her in this condition.

Getting up as carefully and swiftly as she could, disregarding her clothing, she ran toward the bathroom.

* * *

Bubba rolled over, reaching for Mel. He was half awake and remembering how they’d spent most of the night. It was exactly the way he wanted to spend the morning.

When he couldn’t find her amid the tangle of pillows and blankets he’d carried down last night, he opened his eyes.

She left.
  Then he heard the faint noise, like coughing. Leaping to his feet, he headed in the direction of the sound.

He stopped outside the bathroom door. Mel was sick. He didn’t think about the fact that he was stark naked as he opened the bathroom door.

She was kneeling by the toilet, her body quivering with the force of her distress. The fragile line of her bare back moved him. She looked so helpless and vulnerable as she knelt on the bathroom floor. Quickly, with a minimum of movement, he reached for her head, held her, steadied her. He smoothed back her hair and caught it in his fist.

She made a feeble attempt to push him away but the next wave of sickness overwhelmed her and she couldn’t move. He felt her give in, sensed when her body simply accepted the support he offered.

Afterward, she looked so ashamed by the whole thing his heart went out to her.

“Come on, Mel, lie down. I’ll get you some soda.”

She looked as if she was about to cry. He couldn’t stand to see her this way so he picked her up and carried her upstairs to his bed. Tucking her in, he raced down to the kitchen and was back within minutes, glass in hand.

“Drink this.”

She did, tiny sips, barely a third of the glass. Then she set it down on the nightstand and slid deeper beneath the covers, her face pale and exhausted.

“Have you called your doctor about this?” Bubba asked.

She shook her head. She looked terrible. Her face was too pale and tired lines were etched beneath her eyes.

“Give me her number.”

“No.” She looked at him for a second then closed her eyes again, her expression totally defeated. “I’ll call Monday morning.”

“Mel, I’ve heard about morning sickness but this doesn’t look good to me.”

She held out her hand and he took it, squeezing it gently. Then, not knowing what else to do, he lay down beside her, outside the covers, and enfolded her in his arms. It was several minutes before he realized she was silently crying.

“Mel? Honey, tell me what’s wrong.”

The whispered words were hard to decipher among her quiet sobs, but he finally made out what she was trying to say.

“I’m a failure, Bubba. I can’t do this right. I’ve been so sick, even from the beginning. I kept trying to pretend everything was all right. I thought maybe if I pretended hard enough it would all go away.” She took a deep breath.

He wiped the tears away from her eyes but didn’t say anything.

“I hate the whole thing! My breasts hurt. I’m crabby. Bubba, I’m not like this, I’m
not
, but I’m so tired of throwing up and aching all over.”

Her words froze him, chilling his entire body. “Mel, did I… did I hurt you last night when we – ”

“No.” She began to cry harder. He kissed her cheek and slid up the bed so she was resting her head against his shoulder. “That was the only time I felt good. I don’t understand how something so wonderful could make me feel so awful.”

His heart was breaking for her. “Mel, I’m calling your doctor now.”

And he did. He kept calling until he got through, listened to what the doctor had to say and hung up the phone. The entire time he’d stroked Mel’s face lightly, wishing he could give her even one tenth of his strength.

And feeling so helpless.

“I’m going to make you some toast then we’re going to take a drive.”

“Where?” She didn’t sound enthusiastic.

“We’re going to see your doctor, Mel. She agreed to come to her office and see you. Something isn’t right here.”

He stayed with her the entire day, took her to her doctor’s office, listened to her advice, then drove home. When he pulled the car into the driveway, he cut the engine and looked over at Mel.

“I think you should take it,” he said quietly, referring to the medication her doctor had prescribed.

“No. I keep thinking – I couldn’t stand it if something went wrong because I had to take a pill.”

“Mel, you heard what she said, that every woman is different. She wouldn’t prescribe anything that would hurt you. She told you some of her other patients used it.”

“Bubba, you’ve been wonderful and I appreciate what you did for me, but I’d like to go home now.”

He knew her too well. She was on the edge of breaking down again and didn’t want him to see. Sometimes Mel tried too hard to protect other people’s feelings.

“I want you to come home with me.”

He hadn’t been sure what her reaction was going to be but it wasn’t what he expected. She turned quickly in her seat and unlocked the door with shaking fingers. Stumbling outside, she began to walk quickly toward her front door, the white bag from the pharmacy clutched tightly in one of her hands.

“Mel!” He leapt out of the car and raced after her. Catching her at the door, he grabbed both her arms, careful all the while not to hurt her.

“Let me help you. Please.”

She started to cry. He took the key out of her purse and unlocked the door. He settled her on the couch and sat down next to her as he eased her into his arms. Then he rocked her, crooning unintelligible sounds, trying to soothe her.

When she stopped, he went into the bathroom and came back with a box of tissues. She blew her nose and looked down at the carpet in front of the sofa.

“Mel, I’m the only person who can help you. I’m the only one who knows.”

She shook her head silently. Her voice was clogged and nasal. “I didn’t want this to happen, you feeing guilty and having to – ”

“Is that really why you think I’m here with you?”

She met his gaze and he almost smiled. There was something independent and defiant in her expression, even though her face was splotchy and her eyes red-rimmed.

“Yes.”

“Mel.” He picked up her hand and studied it. “I thought we were closer than that. You know me. I don’t let guilt run my life. I’m with you because I want to be with you.”

“Do you mean that?” Her voice shook. He put his arm around her shoulders, giving her a brief hug.

“Absolutely. Now go upstairs and lie down. I’m going to fix you something to eat and then we’re both going to take a nap.”

She opened her mouth to say something but seemed to reconsider. He narrowed his eyes mockingly and said, “There’s no way you’re going to get out of this one.”

“I… okay.”

* * *

He moved into her house that same week, simply wanting to protect her, help her. He slept in her bed but never touched her. Henry didn't like being confined to an empty house, so he moved in, too. It wasn’t all bad. There were fun times living with Mel. It was rare she got to the point she had that Sunday. He chalked it up to the fact that before she’d been holding in so many fears and feelings of inadequacy. He wondered about her family. As close as they had seemed to him, she still hadn’t told any of them.

Their life together fell into a pleasant rhythm. They shopped together. He cooked. They split their evenings between their two houses. When she felt good, Mel would knit. He was amazed she could turn out a sweater in eighteen hours. He showed her the plans of several houses he’d started to design and was flattered in the interest she took. She made several very practical suggestions.

When she felt better, her goofy sense of humor returned. Those were the times he enjoyed the most because he knew she wasn’t hurting.