Back To You (21 page)

The day before I left, I got a call from Randy.

“Wanna go swimming?”  He asked.

“Hell yeah I wan
t to go swimming.  Unless it’s in that nasty creek by your house.”  I laughed.

“Actually you know that Jack’s parents bought a house ou
tside of town.”

“Yeah.”

“Well it has a pool!”  Randy sounded like he was seven years old.

“Oh.”  I
knew where this was going.

“Anyway, we are going to go out there today for a while.  Jack asked me to ask you to come too, if you wanted to.”

Stupid stupid stomach, doing crazy flips and stuff.  I wasn’t sure what to say.  “Who’s going?”

“Me, Paulette, Lee and you I hope.”

“What about Lindsey?”

“Can’t go.  She has to do something with her parents.”

“Okay.  Sure I will go.  When?”

“I will head over there to get you in a few minutes.  That give you enough time?”

“Randy, all I am doing is putting on a bathing suit, how much time do I need?  It’s not like I can put make up on and fix my hair.”  I love sarcasm.

“True, true.  But you never know with girls.”

“Randy!  If I were to put makeup on, it would run and I would look horrible when I got wet.  Geez!”  I was laughing now.

“Good.  Then I will be there after I get Paulette, okay?”

“I’ll be waiting with bells on.”  I giggled.

Dilemma
!  Which bathing suit to wear?  I was already pretty much packed for Cali, so I would have to dig out a suit.  Purple and white striped bikini?  Pink ruffled bikini?  Boring blue one piece?  I chose the striped one.  It covered a little more.

And it hit me.  What in the hell was I doing?  I was g
oing over to my ex boyfriend’s house to go swimming, that’s what I was doing.  At the moment, flip flops weren’t toe sandals that went on my feet, it was what my stomach was doing thinking about being in a pool again with Jack.

*****

Jack was waiting for them to get there.  He wasn’t really nervous.  Well, maybe a little.  He was glad that Suzy said she would come.  He didn’t want to ask her himself.  He tried, but it felt weird, so he had Randy do it.  He didn’t want Suzy to think it was a date, but he didn’t want to leave her out either.  He wasn’t dating anyone, and it just felt right to have her there with “the gang”.

When they pulled up in the driveway, he took a deep breath.  She got out of Randy’s backseat wearing her usual huge Daffy Duck shirt she wore over her bathing suit.  She didn’t have on any make up and her hair was pulled up into one of those p
onytail thingys but all looped around.  Kind of a mess, but on purpose.  Regardless, she pulled the look off.

After showing them around the house and getting snacks and drinks, they headed out to the pool.  Jack and Randy jumped right in, making quite a splash.  When
she thought Jack wasn’t looking, Suzy took off her shirt and started to get in the pool.  But Suzy was wrong, Jack was looking.

JESUS
.  It was all he could think for a moment.  He stopped what he was doing, which was unfortunate because Randy managed to get him dunked underwater.  Jack knew every curve of her body, had it burned into his memory forever.  But she had changed since the last time he touched her bare skin.  Her breasts had gotten fuller, her legs firmer, her back glistening with water, and her ass.  Oh my God, her ass was something you see right out of a magazine.  She still had a hard body but with a little bit of a tummy.  Just the right amount to feel as you would run your hands over her body.

I have got to stop thinking like this
, he reprimanded himself. 
She is dating someone!  She is my friend, nothing else.
  But he couldn’t deny the sensation traveling through his body.  It was a good thing the water was still cold enough to keep things hidden.  Why did he torture himself like this?

*****

I wanted him to see me.  I wanted him to like what he saw.  I also wanted him to want what he saw.  I know, that was terrible.  The look on his face was exactly what I wanted to see, at least until Randy managed to dunk Jack underwater.  There.  See what you gave up?

It was a fun day.  Randy brought me home after dark.  We had ordered pizza (what else) and goofed off in the pool for a while.  The Jack got out his guitar and started playing some riffs he had learned by ear.  He was really into Metallica.  I wasn’t as into Meta
llica, but he did pretty well at getting some of the guitar riffs down.  On the way home, I had that feeling deep inside of me that I had when I was around Jack recently.  It was not really sadness, or happiness.  Maybe it was a little bit of both, thrown in with some longing and regret.  I wanted him to want me back.  I wanted that more than anything in the world.  But he was a wild child right now and I didn’t want anything to do with that.  He broke my heart, but I couldn’t stay mad at him.  At least I would have six weeks in Cali to get over it.  It did make me smile when I thought about how those California guys liked to listen to a girl with a Southern accent.

C
hapter 17

Ahhhhh Southern California.  The day after arriving in Cali, Leah had set up a party (big surprise).  She was still hanging out with some of the same crowd, but this year there were a few new people to meet.  Leah’s boyfriend Kerry introduced me to Mike, Ryan and Dillon.  And we all hit it off as fast friends.  I could tell that Ryan had a massive crush on Leah and wondered if Kerry knew.  Mike was dating a girl named Cathy.  They were pretty hot and heavy from what I could tell.  And Dillon, well, he was available and unbelievably good looking.

Dad didn’t have any big plans or camping trips set up for the summer, so it was business as usual.  Sharon and Dad got up early and went to work.  Bryan and I slept in.  When I would finally roll out of bed, I took my book and sat outside by the pool and read while I ate my breakfast.  Usually, I would get my suit on pretty quickly after that and hit the pool.  Bryan would som
etimes come out and hang with me.  Which was okay.  I pretended that he was a pest just so I didn’t have to admit I liked him.  Except, of course, when he was a pest.  Swimming, some sort of lunch and whatever chore Sharon had set aside for us was the normal afternoon routine.  Dad and Sharon got home, we had dinner, watched a little TV, they went to bed early and I would go to my room and put my headphones on to listen to Van Halen, Def Leppard, Whitesnake, or whatever fit my mood until the wee hours of the morning.  That was when I wrote most of my letters home too.

T
he days when Leah had us headed to the beach or to a friend’s house were the highlights of my summer.  Leah drove a refurbished Corvair (her dad was crazy about old cars).  It was fun to go out in it.  It was even funnier to watch a girl barely five feet tall handle a car that had no power steering.  She had some serious shoulder and arm muscles.

One particular day, we packed a picnic lunch and met a
bunch of her friends at a park near the beach.  There was one guy named Rick there.  He was cool.  He was tall and skinny as a rail, had long hair that he teased to the point most hair bands would be envious.  He knew members of the bands Guns and Roses as well as Shredders.

It was a hot day, absolutely perfect for the beach.  We ran across the hot sand in bare feet screeching at how it burned our feet, then promptly ran to the water’s edge so the chilly Pacific waves would cool them down.  We would lay out the to
wels and mats, put sunscreen on each other, get the music going, and haul out whatever else we needed.  And each of us had a large jug of ice water to keep us cool.  On those days, the toughest decision to make was if I should undo my bikini top to avoid tan lines or leave it attached in case one of the guys got funny and dropped ice on my back so we would sit up real fast and give them a peek of our boobs.  Then the schedule was to bake ourselves for twenty minutes on one side, hop up, get in the water and jump a few waves, then back to lie on the other side to bake for twenty minutes.  By the time we would go eat our lunch, we were all a little “sundrunk” and slap happy.

While Rick was getting out the food and putting it on the picnic table, I went over to talk to him.  He t
alked about the guitarist from Shredders.  He said that he had lived with him and a few other guys after he graduated.  He told me that the group Shredders was going to be on tour with Cheap Trick and would be playing to Hammond (of all places) on their tour.  He then proceeded to tell me that if I really wanted to go see them, he could get me tickets and a backstage pass so I could meet them.  Of course, I turned him down.  NOT!  Now I had something to look forward to when I got home!

The rest of the day was spent
munching on the food, playing a little volleyball (I sucked as always), soaking up the afternoon rays, horsing around in the water, and watching a beautiful sunset.  Evening broke and we had a little fire in a firepit, roasted some marshmallows and enjoyed the cool evening breeze.  In all of the things I have seen in my life, I would say that looking out over the ocean with the moonlight shining on the water is probably one of the most beautiful things anyone could ever see.  I sat in the middle of friends feeling a tiny bit lonely.  I thought about Steve and the rose he drew in the sand.  I thought about how Jack wanted to live by the ocean when he got out of school.  And I wished I had someone sitting there on the warm sand with the cool breeze and the sound of waves rolling in.  There was just something about taking all of that in that made me wish for more than a friend.  Someone to love that would see the beauty of the scene the way I did.  That feeling just hung on to me the rest of that night, even after I got home.  It wasn’t Bryant I was wanting to hold me.  I don’t even know if it was Jack.  I just knew that at that point in my life, no one truly understood who I was.  Probably not even me.  And more than anything in the world, I wanted to know that someday someone in this great big world would “get” me.

*****

Jack spent time in his pool in the backyard.  He played music until his fingers bled.  He hung out with friends, got drunk on the weekends, and basically wasted away the days of summer.  He didn’t want to think about Suzy being in California, surrounded by hot guys begging for her attention.  He didn’t want to think about her purple striped bikini as she walked along the beach.  No he didn’t WANT to think about it at all.  But he did.  He looked for any way possible to get those thoughts out of his mind.  Just when he thought he was moving on, being the rebel teenage boy, avoiding relationships like the plague, he would imagine her smile.  He dated a few girls and had sex with a couple of them, knowing that they didn’t have the same curve of her hips and missing the birthmark on her thigh.

Jack
hoped that one day this would go away.  It had to.  He refused to live with regrets.  Not now.  He was too young for regrets.  Carpe Diem.  Live for today.  Get rid of reminders.  He didn’t need them.  He didn’t want them.  Damn her for coming into his life when they were so young.  Why did she have to be so perfect for him?  Even his parents refused to accept any girl he thought about dating.  He kept looking and looking to find someone, anyone who could make his insides flip over at a smile.  Someday.  One day.  There had to be someone out there.  Just not right then, because right then, he didn’t think he could handle it.

*****

Some of the guys that Leah knew formed a band and made a demo tape.  We were headed over to the lead singer’s house to hang out with friends.  The music was pretty good.  Maybe they had what it took to make it.  Mike and Cathy were there.  Kerry couldn’t make it, but Ryan was right by Leah’s side.  And Dillon was there because he was in the band.  Yum.  I knew I should have been ashamed of myself for openly lusting after this guy, but he had the most perfect body I had ever seen in real life.  I really just wanted to touch the muscles on his arm and chest.  I seriously thought I was going to faint when he took his shirt off before jumping in the pool. 

“Drool check,” Leah laughed as she smacked my shou
lder and handed me a napkin.

“Is it that obvious?”  I asked, almost groaning at my bl
atant admiration.

“It is to me, but then again, you don’t have many secrets from me.  Hard to hide something like that from someone who knows you so well.”

“True.  I guess I should focus my attention elsewhere.”

“Good luck with that!  Hey, want some homemade sangria to take the edge off?”  She started toward the huge punc
hbowl.

“Never tried it before.”

“Don’t know what you’re missing!”  She giggled and poured out a cup for me.

I spent too much time watching Mom drown her sorrows and hide behind vodka and wine.  I wasn’t too sure I wanted to drink, but I gave in and took the plastic cup.  It was good.  Sweet.  Fruity.  My favorite part was eating the wine soaked fruit floating around the cup.  After my second cup, I started to feel a lot more relaxed.  The sangria tasted better and better.  Dillon got better looking with every sip too.  So this was what it felt like to be tipsy?  Not bad.  Kinda fun.  All sense of shyness and self doubt began melting away as I warmed up to the atmosphere.

I did notice that one person always declined when offered a drink.  Mike.  He smoked like a chimney, but he never touched a drop.  Mike was the kind of guy you only introduced to your parents when you really wanted to piss them off.  Or scare the hell out of them.  He was skinny, but not too skinny, tall enough but not towering.  He had long black hair that hung in a mess most of the time.  He had eyes that were almost black and a face that stayed in a suspended state of acne.  He usually wore ripped t-shirts that had some sort of offensive statement (his FUCK shirt had all different ways to say FUCK all over it).  His jeans were barely held together at the seams.  Yeah, he was a parent’s nightmare.  But the funny thing about him was that most parents would give their eye teeth to have a guy so sweet date their daughters.  Cathy was a lucky girl.  He treated her like she was a princess. 

A little while later, I decided to go outside to get some
fresh air.  I noticed Mike was hanging out on the front porch.

“Hey.  Wanna go for a walk?”  He asked.

“Sure.”  It was dark out, but I trusted him.

“I have noticed you normally don’t drink at the parties,” he mentioned.

“I don’t drink normally.  Family history, bad experiences, you get my drift?”

“Actually I do,” he said.  “I think you and I have a lot more in common than you might think.”?

“Yeah?  Why do you say that?”

“Well, Leah has talked about you a lot.  I find you interes
ting.”

“Pfft.  I am not that interesting.”

“Yes, you are.  See, we come from the same background.  Alcoholic parents, taking on responsibility at a young age.  But you are different.  You handled it all so differently.”

“I don’t know any other way to handle it.  Someone had to hold us together.  Mom lost so much of her youth by getting married so young.  I hate that she parties like she does, but I guess I can see why.”

“Still no excuse to choose the party over your kids.”

“I suppose.”  I paused.  “How did you handle it?  Why am I so different from you?”

“I spent my eighteenth birthday in rehab.”

“Oh.”  That would explain a lot of things about him.

“I chose the complete opposite way to handle it than you did.  I just went out and got hooked on alcohol and drugs.  By my eighteenth birthday, I had done more drugs than most people would ever do in their entire lives.”

“Wow.”

“So I just wanted to say that I admired you.  I was a complete fuck up.”

“But why admire me?”

“Because you chose the high road.  We came from almost the exact same situation, and you were strong enough to pull through it.  That’s why I admire you.”

“Thanks, I think.”

“I doubt seriously that you will spend your birthday in rehab,” he chuckled.

“God, I hope not.”  We had almost gotten back to the house.  “Hey thanks for the chat.”

He gave me a hug.  “It was my pleasure.  Thanks for agreeing to walk with me without being scared.  I know I don’t always look like a nice guy.”

I smiled, “You don’t fool me, Mike.  Leah has talked about you too.  So how are things with Cathy?”

“Cathy is amazing.  Saved my life.  Gives me a reason to live.  To wake up each morning and WANT to be sober.”

“That is so cool,” I muttered under my breath.  “One day I hope to have someone that makes me want to live every day.”

“It is great.  You are a strong person.  You won’t need someone to give you a reason to live.  You are the kind of person who will make others want to be alive.  Don’t forget that.”

“I won’t.  I promise.”

I had a great time that night.  Got a couple of looks from Dillon (shivers, mmm), had that great talk with Mike, and enjoyed some really good music.  When I got home, I spent a long time thinking.  Looking out my window at the stars in the sky, and thinking about the things Mike had said to me.  I guess I never looked at it his way.  Turning to drugs and alcohol just never seemed like an option to me.  I was so angry and disappointed with Mom about her weakness when it came to that stuff, but I never even considered falling into the same pattern.  Quite the opposite actually.  Even tonight, after a couple of cups of the sangria, I felt the buzz, but I didn’t let it go too far. 
Remain in control at all times, Suzy
.  When the world crashes down on you, stay in control of the one thing you can, your actions.  That was my motto I suppose.  A tough lesson to learn.  By the time I was seventeen years old, I had learned it well.

One thought stayed with me though.  Someone to give me a reason to wake up every morning and keep on going.  Mike
thought I didn’t need anyone to do that for me.  I disagreed.  Sure I could get up each day and face whatever might happen, but to have someone that special in my life would be wonderful.  Not now.  Well, maybe now, but I wasn’t expecting “the right guy” while I was still in high school.  I certainly didn’t want to end up like Mom did.  I had plans.  Big plans.  My life was going to be nothing like all of the people who gave up and gave in.  I wanted out.  Out of Louisiana.  Off to college.  Off to a successful career in whatever I put my mind to.  That can be my reason to live for now.  Mr. Right can come later.