Barefoot (24 page)

He was leaving her. Just like her father.

*************

The
next morning, when she woke up, Toni felt as shocked and disconnected as she had after the accident. And, just like then, it was Buster she wanted to be with. Christine was due to arrive at six-thirty, as usual, and before her lesson Toni went over to the field near Hilltop Farm. She found Buster grazing amongst the sheep, looking thoroughly miserable and lonely. At least Arabella hadn’t discovered he was barefoot yet.

Toni gave him a hug and checked his hooves over carefully. They seemed fine. Slightly split where the nails had come out, but that would wear down soon enough. Fortunately the weather was dry and warm, which would help. If she could get the worse of the transition over with before the autumn, it would be ideal. Toni walked slowly around the perimeter of the field, examining the fencing. She hated barbed wire, but there was nothing she could do about it.

She concentrated on these details, leaving no room in her thoughts to analyse what had happened with Cal.

His texts kept arriving.

‘Please can we talk?’

‘I’m leaving on the 23
rd
.’

‘Please Toni.’

She didn’t reply. That was how she had decided to deal with it. To act as if he just didn’t exist. She threw herself into riding Grace again, spending hours in the arena, practising the dressage she hated and could tell Christine was impressed by her sudden enthusiasm. But it was all just to keep busy. Anything to stop her reliving the scene and hearing those words again.

Canada.

Three months.

At night, though, sleep refused to come as she couldn’t stop the thoughts circling her mind. So she would lie there and think. And always reached the same conclusion.

He doesn’t feel I’m worth staying for.

When she did fall asleep, it was only ever for a few hours, and by four-thirty she would be awake and going round and round it all in her mind again.

Early on Friday morning, as she lay there, she heard a car on the gravel outside and glanced at her clock. Quarter to five. Too early even for Arabella. Toni sat up, pulling on a hoody over her pyjamas, and opened her door as quietly as she could, then tiptoed down the attic stairs to the main landing. The door to her mother’s room stood open and her bed was empty.

Toni crept down the second flight of stairs to the hall and, as she neared the bottom, she could hear the murmur of a man’s voice, followed by the strangest sound. She stopped and puzzled over what it could possibly be. It was definitely coming from the kitchen and Toni edged forwards, feeling increasingly uneasy, then hesitated outside the closed door. The sound came again. She recognised it this time.

Strangled weeping.

Toni had absolutely no idea what to do. It could only be Arabella, yet she had never known her mother to cry. She reached out her hand and saw it was shaking.  She took a couple of slow breaths until she felt steadier, then turned the handle and began to open the door.

Slowly and quietly.

Arabella sat in the middle of the kitchen floor clutching Lily in her arms and Toni knew instantly the old dog was dead. As she pushed the door a bit further open it revealed the vet standing watching. He looked up and saw Toni, then shook his head sharply. Arabella was too absorbed in her pain and loss to sense her daughter’s presence at all.

Toni understood at once. She wasn’t welcome and she blinked back her own tears. She wanted to say goodbye to Lily, too. But, in the face of such overwhelming grief, she withdrew and sat on the bottom of the stairs alone.

Lily had joined the family when Toni was a baby and they had grown up together.  It was Lily who ran at Buster’s heels when she was out hacking, Lily who she cuddled when she was upset. Lily who she watched giving birth to Ben.

But she had always been Arabella’s dog really. Back in her bedroom Toni allowed herself to cry freely and knew the tears weren’t just for Lily. She wished her father hadn’t left, however miserable he had been. And she wished she had a mother she could share things with.

She heard the vet drive away and a little later Arabella came up and shut herself in the bathroom. Toni took the opportunity to creep down again and opened the kitchen door slowly. Ben was lying there, whimpering.

All traces of Lily, including her basket, had gone.

Fifteen minutes later Arabella walked in and began her morning ritual of making herself a cup of coffee, as if nothing had happened.

‘I’m sorry… ’ Toni began awkwardly, but her mother raised a hand to silence her, without turning round.

‘We don’t need to discuss it, Antonia.’ She stirred her coffee several times. There were several long moments of painful silence.

‘I’ve decided it’s time you began to compete again.’

‘I’m not sure if I’m ready,’ Toni said carefully.

Arabella continued as if she hadn’t spoken. ‘There’s a competition next Sunday at St Peter’s. I’ve already entered you. That gives you a week to get your act together.’

Lily was never mentioned again.

****
*  
Fourteen
  *****

Toni did what she was told for two reasons. Her father was away in Boston again and she knew it was an important account. She didn’t want to worry him, assuring him everything was fine when he called. But she also sensed Arabella was barely holding herself together, and it scared her.

So she had her lessons with Christine every morning and practised religiously every evening. And, when Sunday inevitably arrived, Toni got up at six to wash and groom Grace, then bandaged her legs and tail ready for travelling. Loading her was the only thing left. Jen had always done it before shows in the past. But now it was up to Toni.

She tried to do it the way she had seen Jen, first leading Grace part-way up the ramp, then turning her back down quickly before she resisted. Each time letting her feel it didn’t really matter whether she went in or not, determined to be as understanding as possible.

But she was tense herself and communicating that to Grace. The mare became more fearful every time they approached the trailer, and Toni had to lead her back down, again and again.

Always be patient.

But patient wasn’t in Arabella’s vocabulary. ‘Why isn’t Grace loaded up yet?’ She strode across the yard, waving her whip.

‘I’m doing my best,’ Toni defended herself.

‘Well, your best obviously isn’t good enough, is it?’ her mother snarled. ‘You have to show her who’s boss.’ She raised the whip and smacked Grace viciously across the rump with it.

‘No. Please!’ Toni tried to hold poor Grace as she shot forward a few paces, then skittered sideways in a panic off the ramp, dragging Toni down with her.

Arabella raised her whip again.

‘Stop it!’ Toni screamed, trying to grab the whip and wrench it out of her mother’s hand.

‘This is my yard.’ Arabella was beside herself at the opposition.  ‘No one tells me what I can do.’

Toni positioned herself between her mother and Grace. ‘She’s terrified,’ she tried to reason with her. ‘Can’t you see that? I’ve been talking to her old owners. She was in a trailer accident.’

‘Well, she needs to get over it,’ Arabella spat. ‘Now get out of my way so I can teach her a lesson.’

‘No.’ Toni was defiant. ‘I won’t.’

Arabella raised the whip again. ‘In that case I’ll use it on you.’

‘Drop that right now!’ Toni’s father strode over the yard and tried to force the whip off her.

‘What are you doing here? You’re meant to be in Boston.’

‘The trip got cut short. What the hell’s going on?’

‘It’s none of your bloody business. You moved out, remember?’ Arabella was consumed with rage now and fought him madly.

‘You’re out of control.’ He gripped her wrist tightly.

‘There’s nothing wrong with me.’ She hung onto the whip, but he prised her fingers off, one by one.

‘Please, Bella.’ He spoke more gently now. ‘Let me get you some help.’

‘
There’s nothing wrong with me,’ she repeated. ‘You’re just pathetic, both of you.’

Her father shook his head sadly. ‘Toni, get Grace out of the way,’ he said. ‘No one’s going to any shows today.’

Toni led her quickly across the yard, shaking as the mare flattened her ears, and pranced sideways to give Arabella a wide berth. She put Grace into her stable and she immediately backed into the corner, trying to get as far away as possible.

‘How is she?’ Her father appeared at her side.

Toni rested her forehead against the cool breezeblock, completely gutted. ‘I hate her, Dad. I really do.’

‘Come here.’ He held her tight. ‘I’m so sorry. I’d no idea how bad things had got with your mother.’

‘Where is she now?’

‘She took off in the Land Rover. She’ll be back when she calms down.’

‘Did you know Lily died?’

‘Oh, God. Lily meant the world to her. And to you. I’m so sorry, darling.’

‘I’m scared, Dad,’ Toni admitted. ‘I think it’s tipped her over the edge.’

He leant back against the stable door and watched as she tried to soothe Grace. ‘She didn’t used to be like this, you know. Before her accident.’

Toni shrugged. ‘I don’t remember her before.’

He looked sad. ‘You’d go out riding together when you were little. You had such fun.’

Toni had a sudden flash memory of being out in a field with her mother leading her on Digger, her first Shetland. ‘I can’t stay here, Dad. Not anymore.’

He nodded. ‘I know you can’t. Let’s go and pack you a bag.’

Toni began to follow him then turned and looked back at Grace. ‘No, I can’t leave,’ she wailed.

He frowned, ‘Why not?’

‘Don’t you see? I can’t leave the ponies here with her. Not after how she was with Grace today.’

He looked frustrated. ‘We can hardly put them on my patio, can we?’

‘I just can’t leave them, Dad. Please understand.’

He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed, then took his phone out of his pocket. ‘Let me see what I can do.’

Toni went back to Grace’s stable and tried to coax her over to the door, while her father paced up and down the yard making one call after another. Eventually he put the phone away.

‘OK, I’ve done my best. I tried the two local farmers in Little Alderley with no joy. I’ve got B on the case now. If anyone can come up with some grazing, she will. I’m sorry, love, but I’m not happy about you staying here tonight.’

Toni felt torn in two. Part of her wanted to get as far away from Arabella as possible. ‘I suppose I could put Grace in the field down by Hilltop with Buster, out of her way.’

Will that be enough?

His phone rang and he took the call. ‘It’s B,’ he mouthed, then nodded. ‘Brilliant job. Well done. OK. Great.’ He rang off, grinning. ‘Good old B. She’s got us a field.’

Toni was so relieved. ‘That’s fantastic.’ She flung her arms round him. ‘In Little Alderley?’