Bastard (45 page)

Don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t seem to mind, but he’s taken on the world since offering to care for me during my treatment. He won’t let anyone help. I love that he wants to do this, and I’ll be forever grateful, but I can see it’s starting to take its toll on him as well. It worries me.

As I let the warm water cascade over my tired, aching body, he’s on my mind. He hasn’t been himself the past few days. Sure he plasters on a smile whenever he’s around me, but when he doesn’t realise I’m watching him, I clearly see the worry etched on his handsome face. I’m gonna have a heart-to-heart with him when he gets home.

When I get out of the shower, I wrap myself in a towel and make my way into my bedroom. LJ follows close behind me. He was sitting outside the bathroom when I opened the door. He hasn’t left my side since the treatment started. I guess he can sense things aren’t right with me.

Opening my underwear drawer, the first thing I see is a note sitting on top. Ugh! I can already tell by the handwriting it’s from Carter.

I can and I will. YOU ARE MINE! If you want to get your rocks off, you know where to find me, beautiful!!!

I should be pissed with him, but I’m not. Instead, I laugh. I don’t even need to look. I know my vibrator is gone. I miss being intimate with him so much. I know he thinks what he’s doing is for the best, maybe he’s right, but I need that connection with him again. I hate that we’re wasting time apart.
We don’t know how much time we have left.

When I’m dressed, I lie down on the bed. It shits me that a simple shower has drained me of all the energy I had. I want the old me back. I want to be well again.

Cancer fucking sucks.

••••

My eyes slowly open when I feel the bed dip and two strong arms wrap around me.
He’s home
. It brings a smile to my face. Rolling over to face him, I brush my lips against his when his beautiful chocolate eyes meet mine. “Hey, handsome,” I say smiling.

“Hey, beautiful.” The breathtaking smile he gives me melts my heart. I love seeing him happy like this. Reaching up, I run my hand gently down the side of his face.

“How did your mum’s appointment go?”

“Well a lot better than I expected. I didn’t tell you this before because I didn’t want to worry you unnecessarily, but we actually went to see my grandmother.”
What?

“Shut up. You did not,” I screech. It’s not that I don’t believe him; I’m just shocked that’s all.

“We did,” he chuckles. He goes to elaborate, but I cut him off.

“What? How? And why is this the first I’m hearing of it?” I inquire, reaching over and pinching his side. I can’t believe he kept this from me.

“Ouch,” he laughs, rubbing his ribcage. “If you let me get a word in, I’ll tell you. He turns over on his side so we’re facing each other, encircling his arm around my waist.

He tells me everything. From the private investigator, to the uncertainty of going there, and the joy he felt when he was greeted with open arms. He looks so happy and carefree, like a huge weight has been lifted from him. It warms my heart.

“My mum was right,” he continues. “She’s nothing like my grandfather. She had no idea that we’d come to the house all those years ago. My grandfather never told her. She was heartbroken when she found out.” I don’t say anything. I just listen. “I’ve never seen my mum so happy, Indi. She was beaming all the way home. You should’ve seen her.” I don’t need to. I bet it’s the same look I’m seeing right now on his face.

“I’m so glad you all finally got to make peace with what happened,” I say, cupping his cheek in my hand. “Are you going to see her again?”

“Of course,” he replies without hesitation. “She wants to meet you too. You’re going to love her, babe. She’s just like an older version of my mum. She’s so sweet.” I smile as I lean forward and place my lips on his. The pure excitement in his voice is infectious. I’m thrilled this has happened. I know what his grandfather did, has haunted him for the last nineteen years. I hope this meeting has given him some kind of peace. He deserves that. He’s carried the scars of that day around for too long.

“I can’t wait to meet her too,” I tell him, because I can’t.

••••

By the time we arrive back at Newcastle Thursday afternoon, I’m feeling dreadful. Yesterday was a good day, but today is certainly making up for it. I usually sleep on my way up here, but we had to pull over seven times so I could be sick. Well, dry reach, because that’s about all I did. I lost the contents of my stomach before we even left Sydney.

Carter is almost beside himself by the time we arrive. The worry he bears is clearly written all over his face. “I think I’m gonna get Justine to cancel all of my appointments for the rest of the afternoon,” he says when he carries me into the bedroom. I hate that he has to carry me everywhere. Today I’m probably too weak to walk up those stairs, but even when I’m not he insists on doing it.

“No you’re not,” I snap in a tone that lets him know I mean business. It’s time for a little tough love. “Stop being ridiculous. I’ll be fine on my own. You’ve lost enough work because of me. I won’t stand for …” Before I get a chance to finish, he starts to laugh. “What’s so funny?” I ask narrowing my eyes.

“You,” he chuckles, leaning forward to plant a soft kiss on my nose. “I love your spunk. I’ve missed it.” His light-heartedness softens me straight away.

“Please don’t cancel your appointments,” I plead, softening my voice. “Honestly, I’ll be fine.”

After he lies me down on the bed and fusses over me for a few minutes, he leaves to go downstairs. It doesn’t take long for me to drift off to sleep.

I’m awoken a few hours later when he comes up to check on me. He brings me a plate of dry crackers and some juice, since that’s all I’m going to be able to stomach. I manage to force a couple down while Carter takes LJ to the grass area out back to do his business.

“Please try and eat a little more than that,” he says with a furrowed brow when he comes back upstairs. I roll my eyes. I know I shouldn’t, but sometimes he makes me feel like a child. I wish I didn’t feel so sick. Of course I’d eat more if I didn’t. After sitting on the side of the bed, he forces a few more biscuits into me before he leaves.

When the nausea takes hold again, I lie back down, hoping my stomach will settle while I sleep. I’m not sure how long I’m out for, but when I wake the urge to vomit is strong. Dragging myself out of bed, I head towards the bathroom. I have to use the wall for support because I’m feeling dizzy and unsteady on my feet.

I hug the bowl for the longest time. What little food I managed to get down before is now gone. I use the vanity to help me stand. I feel dreadful. Going back to bed would be the wise thing to do, but a warm shower may help.

After brushing my teeth, I strip and make my way into the shower recess. Sitting on the damn chair that Carter and my dad insist I use, I turn on the taps. The warm water flowing over my skin feels wonderful. It’s just what my aching muscles need.

I’m already feeling marginally better by the time I turn the water off. Somewhat human anyway. When I stand though, another wave of dizziness hits. The smart thing to do would be to sit back down, but all I want is to dry off and climb back into bed.

Stepping out of the shower, my shaky hand reaches for the towel. I barely get a chance to wrap it around me when the realisation that I’m going to pass out hits. Thinking fast, I turn with the intent of making my way towards the toilet so I can sit down.
I don’t make it.
I fall forward, just as everything goes black.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Carter

I’m in the middle of a job when I hear the first bark. Occasionally LJ barks throughout the day, but not often. Sometimes it’s when he wants to go outside, which I know isn’t the case because he went out not so long ago. Other times, it’s when he sees someone walking down the street through the lounge room window, but today the blinds are drawn. I did that because the bright light seems to make Indiana’s headaches worse.

Instantly it has me on edge. When the barking continues, I have to excuse myself. “I’m sorry mate, but I just need to go and check on something.” Thankfully my client is a regular and doesn’t seem to mind.

In my gut, I have a feeling that something isn’t right. Racing down the corridor and out the side door, I take the steps two at a time. “Indi,” I call out as soon as I enter the apartment.
Nothing.
When I hear LJ’s bark grow more desperate, I head in that direction.

Rounding the corner I find him standing on his hind legs, frantically scratching on the bathroom door. My heart drops into the pit of my stomach. “Indi,” I call out again as I rush forward. Still no answer. My hand reaches for the doorknob. Thank fuck it isn’t locked.

I fling it open in a panic. “
Indiana
.” I swear my heart stops beating and all the air leaves my body when I see her lying face down on the tiled floor. My knees buckle from beneath me. Immediately I think the worst for some reason. I guess because she has a life threatening illness. Quickly I approach.

Falling to my knees the first thing I do is feel for a pulse.
Thank fuck, she’s alive.
“Indi,” I say shaking her. I gently roll her over, placing her head on my lap. Instantly she starts to come to. Relief floods through me. That is until I see the blood trickling down her neck. Moving my head forward, I see a gash just under her chin. She must’ve hit it when she fell.

“Indi … Indi, it’s me … Carter. Talk to me, babe.”

“Carter,” she moans as her eyes flutter open.
Thank Christ.

“You’re going to be okay,” I say reassuringly as I lift her into my arms and stand. Walking briskly into the bedroom, I gently lay her on the bed.

“Carter,” she moans again and tries to sit up.

“Don’t move, baby. Everything is going to be alright.” I gently stroke her hair trying and soothe her. Reaching for her phone on the bedside table, I dial downstairs. “Justine, it’s Carter. Indi’s had a fall. Call an ambulance.”

“What? Fuck. Is she okay?” she asks in a panic. My employees have grown to love her over the last month. She’s a pretty hard person not to love.

“She’s fine. She has a nasty gash on her chin. Call them, and direct them up to my apartment when they get here. I need to get back to her,” I say before ending the call. Justine’s a good kid. I know she’ll do exactly what I’ve asked.

Indi lifts her hand and brushes her fingers over her chin. “I’m bleeding,” she exclaims when she lifts her hand away, moving it up towards her face.

“I know. You must’ve knocked it when you fell.” I pull the towel out from underneath her body and bunch it up before pressing it to the wound. “Can you hold this against your chin for a minute? I need to get you dressed before the paramedics arrive.”

“Sure.” As usual, although dazed, she’s as cool as a cucumber. I, on the other hand am not. I’m a fucking mess. My hands are shaking as I sift through the drawers trying to grab her something to put on. My nerves have been frazzled for weeks now. I don’t know how much more I can take.

••••

“She’s fine, Ross,” I say in a reassuring voice as I pace the corridor at the John Hunter Hospital. The doctor asked me to leave the room while he examined her. She told us in the ambulance that she felt dizzy when she got out of the shower, and that’s all she can remember.

“I’m gonna call work and let them know I won’t be in. I’ll be there in a few hours,” he replies in a worried tone.

“No. You don’t need to come up here. I can take care of her. I’ve got this, Ross.” Well that’s what I keep telling myself. I feel responsible for what happened.
I should’ve been there.
Does he think I’m not taking good enough care of her? Because apart from this, I think I am. Maybe that’s just my paranoia. “As soon as the doctor’s finished checking her over, I’ll call you and let you know what he says.”

“Fuck,” he grates out as he exhales loudly. “Okay.” This isn’t easy for him, I get that.

“Ross. You know if I thought this was serious I’d tell you. The paramedic said she may need a stitch or two in her chin, but other than that her vitals were fine.” Again guilt consumes me.
I should’ve fucking been there.

“Call me as soon as you know what’s going on.”

“I will. I promise,” I say before I end the call.

Indiana

When I wake, I’m still in the hospital. It’s dark outside, but there’s a small light on behind me that illuminates the room enough for me to see Carter asleep in the chair beside my bed. After the X-ray to make sure nothing was broken or fractured, the doctor put a few stitches in my chin. They’re keeping me in for overnight observation.

Honestly, I feel a lot better. They have me on a drip, which has helped immensely. Apparently I was severely dehydrated from all the vomiting.

Guilt consumes me as I lay here watching Carter. He looks so tired, so worn out. I wish he’d go home and get some decent sleep in a real bed, but when I asked him to earlier, he refused. I’m grateful to have him. He’s been amazing. We’ve only been together for just over a month. The majority of that has been taken up by my illness. It’s so unfair. This has really taken its toll on him. 

I love how he’s stepped up and taken on the role of caring for me, even though he never signed up for this. Most people in his position would’ve bailed weeks ago. Not him. He’s a great guy and hasn’t complained once, but it worries me. I hate that I’m putting through this.

“Carter … Carter,” I say, reaching my hand out to shake him. He stirs on the chair before opening his eyes.

“Shit. Is everything okay?” he asks, rubbing his hands over his face as he stands. He’s on edge. That makes me feel worse.

“Everything is fine,” I reply reaching for his hand. “Why don’t you go home and get a good night sleep? That chair can’t be comfortable.”

“I’m not leaving you, Indi.” I sigh at his stubbornness. After our earlier conversation, I know I’m not going to win this one. Shuffling over and tapping the bed beside me, I smile up at him.