Beau Jest (5 page)

BOB. No, that’s a good idea. We’ll both do it. (
To Sarah
.) Sweetheart, do you want to do it in Hebrew or in English?

SARAH. (
SHE catches on
.) Oh! (
Calmly
.) Why don’t I do the Hebrew, Sweetheart?

BOB. All right. I’ll do the English.

SARAH. All right.

ABE. Do the Four Questions.

MIRIAM. Do the Four Questions.

SARAH. (
Reading
.) “Ma nishtanah hallaylah...”

MIRIAM. Sing it.

SARAH. (
SHE glares at Miriam and then turns back to the book. SHE sings
.) “Ma nishtanah hallaylah hazeh mikol halaylot ... Mikol halaylot.” (
SHE stops
) All right. That’s enough. (
To Bob
) Your turn.

BOB. (
Reading
.) “Why is this night different from all other nιghts?” (
To Sarah
) Need we ask. “For on all other nights we eat either leavened or unleavened bread; why on this night only unleavened bread? On all other nights we eat all kinds of herbs; why on this night only bitter herbs? On all other nights we need not dip our herbs even once; why on this night must we dip them twice? On all other nights we eat either sitting up or reclining; why on this night do we all recline?” Good questions.

ABE. (
Turning the page
.) “We were slaves.” (
Turnιng the page More emphatically
.) “Then we were free.” (
More emphatically
.) Let’s eat!

MIRIAM. Abe, read a little bit.

ABE. (
Readιng
.) “We were Pharoah’s slaves in Egypt, and the Lord our God brought us forth from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. And if the Holy One, blessed be he, had not brought our forefathers forth from Egypt, then we, our children, and our children’s children would still be Pharaoh’s slaves in Egypt.” (
Leafing ahead
) The four sons ... (
Leafing ahead
.) “And he went down into Egypt ...” (
Leafing ahead
.) “And the Egyptians considered us evil ...”

JOEL. Where are you?

ABE. Page ...twenty-nine.

MIRIAM. Do the Ten Plagues.

ABE. (
Leafing ahead
.) The Ten Plagues. Page thirty. (
Reading
) “These make up the ten plagues which the Holy One, blessed be he, brought upon the Egyptians in Egypt, and they are these ...

(
EVERYONE reads the Ten Plagues with Abe, responsively. As THEY read each plague, THEY dιp the handle of a spoon ın the wιne and touch it to the plate
.)

ABE. (
With each one repeated
.) Dom ... Tsifardeah ... Keeneem ... Arov ...

(
BOB realizes HE ιs using the bowl end of his spoon and ladling wine into thιs plate. HE flips the spoon over and continues
.)

ABE. Dever ... Shecheen ... Borod ... Arbeh ... Choshek ... Makas-Bikoros.

(
EVERYONE licks theιr spoon handle BOB does lιkewise
.)

ABE. (
Leafing ahead
.) Next ...

MIRIAM. Sing a little “Dayenu.”

ABE. “Dayenu.”

MIRIAM. Everyone.

EVERYONE. (
Sings
.) Eloo Hotzi-Hotzianu Hotzianu Meemeetzraim, Hotzianu Meemeetzraim, Dayenu. Day-Dayenu. Day-Dayenu. Day-Dayenu. Dayenu. Dayenu. Dayenu. Day-Dayenu. Day-Dayenu. Day-Dayenu. Dayenu. Dayenu.

BOB. (
One too many
.) Dayenu.

ABE. (
Leafing ahead
.) Next ... The matzah. Give me the matzah. (
HE lifts up the matzah and reads
) “This matzah which we eat, what is the reason for it? Because the dough of our fathers had not yet leavened when the King over all kings, the Holy One, blessed be he, revealed Himself to them and redeemed them. As it is said: And they baked unleavened cakes of the dough which they brought forth out of Egypt, for it was not leavened; because they were thrust out of Egypt, and could not tarry, neither had they prepared for themselves any victuals.

MIRIAM. Joel, you read.

JOEL. (
HE picks up the horseradish and reads
.) “These bitter herbs we eat, what is the reason for them? Because the Egyptians made the lives of our forefathers bitter in Egypt. As it is said: And they made their life bitter with hard service, in mortar and in brick, and in all manner of service in the fields; in all their service, wherein they made them serve with rigour.”

MIRIAM. (
To Bob
.) David.

BOB. (
HE reads. And as HE proceeds, HE becomes involved in the meaning of the words
.) “In every generation let each man look on himself as if he came forth out of Egypt. As it is said: And thou shalt tell they son in that day, saying, It is because of that which the Lord did for me when I came forth out of Egypt.”

(
EVERYONE lifts their glass
.)

“Therefore, we are bound to thank, praise, laud, glorify, exalt, honor, bless, extol, and adore Him who performed all these miracles for our fathers ... and for us. He has brought us forth from slavery to freedom, from sorrow to joy, from mourning to holiday, from darkness to great light, and from bondage to redemption.” (
Moved
.) Wow. (
HE continues reading
.) “Let us then recite before him a new song: Hallelujah.”

ABE & MIRIAM. Hallelujah.

(
EVERYONE replaces their glass
.)

ABE. (
Leafing ahead
.) Next ... The second cup.

(
EVERYONE raises their glass
.)

ABE. Baruch Atoh Hashem Elokenu Melech Ah-Alom Boreh Pirie Ha-Gofen. Amen.

EVERYONE. Amen. (
EVERYONE drinks
.)

ABE. I wash my hands. (
HE doesn’t move
.) Baruch Atoh Hasham Elokenu Melech Ha-Alom Asher Kidishanu Bimitzvotah Vitzivanu AI Nitilas Yadayim. Amen. Take a piece of matzah. (
He takes a piece of matzah, breaks off a piece, and hands the rest around the table
.) Baruch Atoh Hasham Elokenu Melech Ha-Alom Ha-Motzie Lechem Min Ha-Aretz. Baruch Atoh Hashem Elokenu Melech Ha-Alom Asher Kidishanu Bimitzvotah Vitzivanu Al Ahkeelas Matzah. Amen.

EVERYONE. Amen

(
EVERYONE eats the matzah.
)

ABE. Maror. Take the haroset.

(EVERYONE makes a little sandwich with haroset and horseradish on
a piece
of matzah.)

MIRIAM. (
To Bob.
) David, wait till you try this chrain.

BOB. (
Not understanding
.) I’m sorry?

(
MIRIAM holds up the horseradish and hands it to Bob
.)

MIRIAM. Chrain.

BOB. Oh! (
To Miriam
.) Looks great.

MIRIAM.. Freshly grated. Not from the jar, horseradish.

ABE. Baruch Atoh Hashem Elokenu Melech Ha-Alom Asher Kidishanu Bimitzvotah Vitzivanu Al Ahkeelas Maror. Amen.

ALL. Amen.

(
EVERYONE eats their sandwich. The horseradish hits Bob and HE gasps and coughs violently
.)

BOB. (
Trying
to catch is breath ) Whoa!

MIRIAM. You all right?

(
BOB nods, unable to speak
)

ABE Next ... Shulkan Orekh. Let’s eat.

JOEL. Let’s eat.

BOB. (
Gaspιng
.) Let’s eat.

BLACKOUT

ACT II

Scene 2

AT RISE SARAH and BOB are standing at the door, waving goodbye

SARAH. Goodnight.

BOB. Goodnight. Drive carefully.

SARAH. Goodnight.

(
SARAH closes the door. THEY collapse and sit on the couch
)

BOB. You got anything to drink in this place ? Besides wine?

SARAH. Vodka ?

BOB. Perfect.

SARAH. Straight up or on the rocks?

BOB. How ’bout the bottle and a straw?

SARAH. You got it. (
SHE starts to get up and has trouble moving
.)

BOB. Wait. Wait. I“Il get it. I used to do this for a living.

SARAH. Vodka’s in the freezer. Glasses are above the sink.

BOB. (
Exits to the kitchen
.) Can I get you one?

SARAH. Please. Thank you.

BOB. You just relax.

SARAH. Relax. What a concept.

BOB. Tense times, huh?

SARAH. Nah, I’ve always been tense. When I was in high school, I went out for the swim team. They used me for the diving board.

BOB. (
Enters
.) That’s very funny. (
HE hands her a drink
.) Here.

SARAH. Oh. Bless you.

BOB. Is there a brucha for vodka?

SARAH. Drink it. Drink it. Cheers.

BOB. L’chaim.

(
THEY drink
.)

SARAH. So where’d you get the beeper? That was pretty clever.

BOB. That was for Joel’s benefit. I borrowed it from a buddy of mine who does a lot of commercial work. I had him call me in case I wanted an excuse to leave in a hurry.

SARAH. Thank you for not leaving.

BOB. I’m glad I stayed.

SARAH. Me, too.

BOB. That was funny the way your dad whipped through the Haggadah.

SARAH. My father has a very particular view on life. He treats business matters religiously and religious matters like business. (
SHE lets her head drop
.) I’m exhausted.

BOB. You could use a massage.

SARAH. Careful. You might break your fingers.

BOB. Trust me. I used to do this for a living. (
HE gives Sarah a neck rub
.)

SARAH. You’ve done a lot of different things, haven’t you?

BOB. Hi-Diddly-Dee. The actor’s life for me.

SARAH. (
Responding to the neck rub
.) Oh!

BOB. Too hard?

SARAH. No. It’s perfect.

(
As the massage continues
.)

BOB. What do
you
do?

SARAH. I teach kindergarten.

BOB. No kidding. I remember kindergarten. I got straight A’s in sandbox.

SARAH. I have one little boy who likes to play in the sandbox. His father is an architect. He hires the other children to build sandcastles for him.

BOB. Kindergarten is your preference?

SARAH. You sound like my mother. She always says, “Sarah is so smart. They should let her teach a higher grade.”

BOB. (
Pressing down on her shoulders
.) Relax.

SARAH. Yes. Kindergarten is my preference. I don’t have to spend all my time on academics. I can give them more individual attention. Work on their emotional development. So maybe they won’t end up as screwed up as the rest of us.

BOB. You think we’re all screwed up?

SARAH. I don’t know. I look at the children in my classroom. They’re so open. So ... free. I don’t remember ever being that free.

BOB. What would make you feel that free?

SARAH. I don’t know. If I could do
one
thing that was just for me. Without worrying about how my parents will feel about it. That would be ... (
SHE can’t find the word
.) ... God.

BOB. I think your parents are great.

SARAH. I love my parents. They sacrificed their whole life for me. But they expect me to sacrifice my whole life for them.

BOB. You know the story I told before? The one that was on the radio?

SARAH. Yeah.

BOB. I
wish
I had a father like that. My father and I never got along. He hated that I wanted to be an actor. We used to have these awful bust-out, knock-down arguments. But you want to hear something wild? (
HE stops the massage and sits on the couch
.) Whenever my dad and I
would
have an argument, the next time I saw him ... he’d have bought me a new pair of shoes. Just like that. I’d see him and he’d say, “Here. Here’s some shoes.” And the bigger the argument, the more expensive the shoes. It used to drive me crazy. I could never figure out ... Why shoes? It finally occurred to me that it was his way of telling me that he, no matter what, he still loved me and that everything was okay. But, boy, you should see my closet. One suit and twenty-seven pairs of wingtips.

SARAH. Where
are
your parents?

BOB.
North
Miami Beach.

(
SARAH laughs
.)

BOB. No. Both my parents are dead.

SARAH. Oh, I’m sorry.

BOB. That’s why I envy you. The only family I have is whatever people I happen to be working on a show with at any given time. My life is very ... transitory. (
HE touches Sarah’s shoulder
.) How’re you doing?

SARAH. That was great. Thank you.

(
THEY drink
.)

SARAH. You know, I was going to tell you, a woman I went to school with is the casting director for Milwaukee Rep. Have you ever worked there?

BOB. No, but I’d like to.

SARAH. I’ll tell her to look out for you.

BOB. Appreciate it.

SARAH. My pleasure. (
Pause
.) I’d like to see you perform sometime.

BOB. You have.

SARAH. I mean, in a show.

BOB. Right. Well, I’m between engagements right now.

SARAH. Will you let me know next time you’re in something?

BOB. Definitely.

SARAH. I’d love to come see you.

BOB. I’m very good.

SARAH. I’m sure you are.

(
BOB downs his drink
.)

SARAH. Would you like another drink?

BOB. No, thank you. One vodka and four glasses of wine is my limit. (
Pause
.) I guess I should be going.