Beau Jest

Copyright @ 1989, 1990 by James Sherman

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BEAU JEST
is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television and the rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved. In its present form the play is dedicated to the reading public only.

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BEAU JEST
are controlled exclusively by Samuel French, Inc., and royalty arrangements and licenses must be secured well in advance of presentation. PLEASE NOTE that amateur royalty fees are set upon application in accordance with your producing circumstances. When applying for a royalty quotation and license please give us the number of performances intended, dates of production, your seating capacity and admission fee. Royalties are payable one week before the opening performance of the play to Samuel French, Inc., at 45 W. 25th Street, New York, NY 10010.

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All producers of BEAU JEST
must
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Sarah Goldman
Chris, her boyfriend
Bob, her escort
Joel, her brother
Miriam, her mother
Abe, her father

PLACE

A one bedroom apartment in the Lincoln Park area of Chicago.

TIME

The play was developed as part of the Michael and
Marianne O’Shaughnessy Playwright
Development Fund.

BEAU JEST
premiered at the Victory Gardens Theater on November 16, 1989, under the direction of Dennis Zacek The set design was by Stephen Packard, the costume design was by Jessica Hahn, the lighting design was by Larry Schoeneman, the sound design and stage management were by Galen Ramsey The cast, in order of appearance, was as follows

BEAU JEST
, produced by Arthur Cantor, Carol Ostrow and Libby Adler Mages, premiered in New York at the Lambs Theatre on October 10, 1991, under the direction of Dennis Zacek The set design was by Bruce Goodrich, the costume design was by Dorothy Jones, the lighting design was by Edward R F Matthews, stage management was by Jana Llynn. The cast, in order of appearance, was as follows

Scene 1

AT RISE. SARAH and CHRIS are sitting on the couch.

CHRIS. I love you.

SARAH. I love you, too.

(
The DOORBELL rings
.)

SARAH. (
Getting up
.) Oh. That’ll be my date.

CHRIS. I really hate this.

SARAH. I know. I know. I’m sorry. It’s just for tonight. Will you get that for me? I’ve got to get ready. (
SHE exits to the bedroom
)

CHRIS. (
HE goes to answer the door
.) I hate this a lot. (
Opens door. BOB is there
.)

BOB. Hi. Uh ... Is Sarah Goldman here?

CHRIS. Yeah. Come on in.

BOB. Thank you. Hi. I’m Robert Schroeder.

(
HE holds out his hand CHRIS takes it and shakes
.)

CHRIS. Chris Cringle.

BOB. (
Not sure HE heard right
) I’m sorry?

CHRIS. Yeah, yeah. Like Santa Claus.

BOB. Oh. Will you know if I’m naughty or nice?

CHRIS. Damn right, I will.

BOB. Is Miss Goldman ...?

CHRIS. She’s getting dressed.

BOB. Ah. Thank you.

(
THEY stand for
a
moment
.)

BOB. How ’bout those Cubs, huh?

CHRIS. Yeah.

BOB. Yeah. Well, it’s early yet.

CHRIS. Yeah.

(
THEY stand for a moment
.)

CHRIS. Is this legal, what you do?

BOB. Oh, absolutely. We’re licensed by the state. This isn’t like looking in the
Reader
and calling some twenty-four hour service. No. No. Mostly, our clientele are elderly women who need an arm to hold onto when they go to the opera or ballet or something. I went to the opera last night. “Tristan Und Isolde.” It was great. V’you ever seen it?

CHRIS. Can’t say as I have.

BOB. Oh, well, it was great. Long, but, you know, great.

CHRIS. You do this a lot?

BOB. Well, let’s see ... Counting last night at the opera ... This is my ... second job.

CHRIS. Oh. Was this a major career move for you?

BOB. Hmm? No. No, this is just something to fill in. A buddy of mine has been doing it for awhile. He got me into the agency. The only requirements are, “Do you speak good English?” and “Do you own a tux?” And you get to go out with a lot of nice ladies. Beats waiting tables.

CHRIS. Oh. So you’re an actor.

BOB. (
Chuckling
) Heh. Yeah. Yeah, that’s very good. Yeah, I’m an actor.

CHRIS. Have I seen you in any movies?

BOB. I don’t know. Where do you usually sit?

(
BOB laughs. CHRIS doesn’t
.) Sorry. It’s an old joke. No, I do theatre mostly. Have you ever been to Candlelight Playhouse?

CHRIS. I saw, whadyacallit, “Follies” there.

BOB. Oh, well ... I wasn’t in that one. But I work there every so often. Sometimes I go out on the road. That’s why this job is so good. I can work my own schedule and all that.

CHRIS. Good for you.

BOB. Thanks, yeah. What do you do?

CHRIS. I’m in advertising. Leo Burnett.

BOB. Oh. What department?

CHRIS. I’m an account supervisor.

BOB. Oh. Great. Well ...

SARAH. (
Enters
.) Hi. Sorry to keep you waiting. (
To Bob, holding out her hand.
) Hi, I’m Sarah.

BOB. (
Shaking hands
.) I’m Bob.

CHRIS. I’m outa here. (
HE goes for his coat
.)

SARAH. I’ll call you later.

CHRIS. You’re sure you want to go through with this?

SARAH. I’ll call you as soon as the coast is clear.

CHRIS. You’re sure you don’t want me to ...?

SARAH. No.

CHRIS. I love you.

SARAH. I ... know.

CHRIS. I really hate this.

SARAH. (
Leading Chris out the door
.) I’m sorry. I’ll talk to you later.

CHRIS. All right. All right. ’Bye.

SARAH. ’Bye.

BOB. Nice meeting you.

(
CHRIS exits. SARAH closes the door SHE turns to Bob.
)

SARAH. So ... Hi.

BOB. Hi.

SARAH. Can I take your coat?

BOB. Shouldn’t we be going?

SARAH. No. No, we’re having dinner here.

BOB. Oh. I knew it was for dinner. I thought we’d be going someplace.

SARAH. No, it’s here.

BOB. Oh, well ... (
Looking at the apartment
.) This is very nice.

SARAH. Thank you. (
SHE takes his coat and takes it into the bedroom
)

BOB. What’s the occasion?

SARAH. It’s my father’s birthday.

BOB. Oh, gee. I wish I had known. I would have brought him a present.

SARAH. (
Re-entering.
) I got him one from both of us. Listen, I’m really behind schedule. Would you mind helping me set the table?

BOB. No, not at all.

(
THEY set the table throughout the following
.)

BOB. Can I ask you a question?

SARAH. Sure. What?

BOB. Well, I was just wondering ... Why did you call an escort service? You and Chris seem pretty, um ...

SARAH. We are. We are. Basically. Only my family doesn’t know about it. They did. At first. But my parents were so unhappy about it ...

BOB. Why? He seems like a nice guy.

SARAH. He is. But he isn’t Jewish.

BOB. Oh. What, are your parents, like, Orthodox?

SARAH. No. They just want “what’s best for their children.” Which, translated, means I should only date somebody Jewish.

BOB. Oh.

SARAH. Which Chris obviously is not. So, we’ve been seeing each other on the sly for the past six months.

BOB. Wow. Forks on the left.

SARAH. What?

BOB. (
He’s correcting her place setting.
) The silverware. Forks go on the left.

SARAH. Oh. Sorry.

BOB. It’s okay. I used to do this for a living. So you and Chris have been doing “We kiss in a shadow.”

SARAH. I know. The whole thing is so stupid. But my parents... Well, you know ... They’re my
parents
. My dad was sick last year. My mother’s been so tense. I just can’t give them any grief right now. The worst of it was after I told them I’d stopped seeing Chris. They assumed I wasn’t seeing anybody. So my mother kept trying to fix me up with sons of friends and relatives and—I don’t know—strangers she’d meet on the street. I don’t know
where
she found these guys. But my mother is determined to make me happy. Whether I like it or not. One time, I went to their house for dinner and she had clipped personal ads out of a magazine for me. Can you imagine? Looking down at your dinner plate and seeing brisket on one side and “S.W.M., mid-thirties, Jewish” on the other?

BOB. (
Grimacing
.) Ooh.

SARAH. Really, I mean, I know she means well, but ... So, anyway, just so they’d feel better a few months ago, I told them I’d started seeing someone. I just
invented
a boyfriend.

BOB. Oh. And that’s ... (
HE points to himself
.)

SARAH. Right.

BOB. Wow.

SARAH. Well, my mother’s been driving me crazy with “When are we going to meet him?” “When are we going to meet him?” I just couldn’t put it off anymore. (
SHE places two Sabbath candlesticks on the table.
) She’ll probably want to light candles. I thought about asking one of my friends to be my stand-in beau for the evening, but, frankly, I’m too embarrassed by the whole thing for anybody I know to know about it. So I called your agency. (
SHE looks at him
.) You must think this is extremely weird.

BOB. Well, I must admit, I expected you to be a little old lady who needed a dinner companion.... But this would have been my second guess.

SARAH. (
SHE remembers what has to be done.
) Oh, God. Listen. Pay attention. My father’s name is Abe. He owns a chain of dry cleaning stores. My mother’s name is Miriam. But I think you should call them Mr. and Mrs. Goldman. They live in Skokie on Kildare just off Dempster. And my brother’ll be here, too. His name is Joel. He’s a psychologist. He’s divorced. He has two children. You and I have been dating since January. We met at the wedding of my best friend, Marilyn Dintenfass. You think you can remember that?

BOB. Yeah, I guess ... Only ... Wow.

SARAH. What?

BOB. Well, no, I guess I can handle it. Uh ... See, all I heard was “You’re going out with a Miss Sarah Goldman. You’re going to dinner. Wear a suit.”

SARAH. I’m sorry. I know this is crazy. It was all in kind of a rush. What do they say? “Desperation is the mother of invention?”

BOB. No. No, it’s all right. I just think, uh ... What with your parents and all ... Maybe it’d be better if you had somebody who was Jewish.

SARAH. (
SHE freezes
.) What?

BOB. Well, from what you’re telling me ...

SARAH. You’re Jewish.

BOB. No, I’m not.

SARAH. Your name is Schroeder. That’s a Jewish name.

BOB. Not to me. My father was Polish. My mother was Italian.

SARAH. I specifically asked the agency for somebody Jewish.

BOB. I guess they thought Schroeder was a Jewish name, too. (
HE holds his hands up in a
shrug.) Honest mistake.

SARAH. (
SHE goes white.
) OH MY GOD!!

BOB. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.

SARAH. Oh, my God. I’m going to die.

BOB. I could call. See if they could find someone.

SARAH. No! No! There’s no time. They’ll be here any minute. Oh, God, I’m going to die.

BOB. (
Taking control
.) All right. All right. Look. It’ll be all right.

SARAH. No. I’m going to die. They’ll find the body. You explain it.

BOB. Sarah. Sarah. It’ll be all right. Look ... I’m a good actor. I was going to have to do some acting here anyway.

SARAH. They’ll know.

BOB. No, it’ll be all right. I can improvise. I took classes at Second City.

SARAH. Oh, God.

BOB. Hey, lots of people think I’m Jewish. I’m taken for Jewish all the time.

SARAH. They’ll know.

BOB. I once did a six month tour of “Fiddler on the Roof.” Topol thought I was Jewish.

SARAH. No, they’ll know. They’ll know.

BOB. They won’t know.

SARAH. They’ll know! They can spot a Jew a mile away. It’s like radar.

(
The DOORBELL rings.
)

SARAH. Uhhh! They’re here. I’m going to die.

BOB. Sarah. Sarah. Take a deep breath.

(
SHE does
.)

BOB
. One more.

(
SHE does
)

BOB. Okay. Answer the door.

SARAH. (
SHE moves to the door. SHE suddenly remembers one more thing and turns back to Bob.
) Oh! Your name is
David Steinberg
. (
SHE opens the door. Joel is there. Doing her best to act normally.
) Joel. Hi.

JOEL. (
Kisses her on the cheek.
) Hi. How are you?

SARAH. Fine. Fine. How are you?

JOEL. Fine. (
HE sees Bob.
) Is this ...?

SARAH. What? (
SHE turns and sees Bob.
) Oh! Yes! Joel, this is David. David, Joel.

BOB. (
Shaking Joel’s hand.
) Hi.

JOEL. How are you?

BOB. Let me take your coat. It’s nice to meet you.

JOEL. (
Taking his coat off.
) It’s nice to meet you, Doctor.

BOB. Thank you. (
Behind Joel’s back HE mouths the word to Sarah.
) Doctor?!

SARAH. (
SHE shrugs and mouths the words.
) I forgot to tell you.

JOEL. (
Turning back around, to Sarah.
) They’re not here yet?

SARAH. No. No, not yet. Sit down.

(
JOEL goes to sit on the couch. SARAH sees Bob with Joel’s coat. SARAH takes the coat from Bob.
)

SARAH. I’ll take that. Sit down.

(
BOB goes to sit on the couch next to Joel.
)

JOEL. Well ...

BOB. Well ... I’ve heard a lot about you.

JOEL. I’ve heard a lot about you, Doctor.

BOB. Oh, please, call me um ... (
HE thinks for a moment.
) ... David.

JOEL. David.

BOB. How are your children?

JOEL. Fine, thank you. I don’t get to see them as much as I’d like.

BOB. It’s a ... boy and a girl, right?

SARAH. (
Makes a gutteral sound.
) Huhnuhnuhnuh.

BOB. (
Trying to correct himself.
) Two boys ... Two girls ... Two boys.

JOEL. Two boys.

BOB. Two boys. Right. (
As if HE’s trying to remember.
) Their names are ...?

JOEL. Daniel and Benjamin.

BOB. Right. Daniel and Benjamin. Sarah talks about them all the time.

JOEL. She does?

SARAH. So ... Have you talked to Mom?

JOEL. I tried an experiment. I went nine whole days without talking to her.

SARAH. What happened?

JOEL. Well, the National Guard was called out, of course. I mean, nine days. I had to have been laying in that gutter she’s always talking about. Have you talked to her?

SARAH. She only called me four times. Today.

JOEL. Did you hear about Dad?

SARAH. What?

JOEL. He’s closing the Jackson Park store.

SARAH. (
Surprised
.) No! Why?

JOEL. He got held up again.

SARAH. (
Gasps
.) Huh!

BOB. What happened?

SARAH. Is he all right?

JOEL. He’s fine. But with what it does to his insurance premiums, it’s just not worth it anymore.