Beau Jest (7 page)

JOEL. Get over it!

SARAH. I can’t have this conversation with you.

JOEL. You’re never going to be comfortable with them until you’re comfortable with yourself.

SARAH. All right.

JOEL. They’re behavior isn’t going to change until you change your behavior.

SARAH. All right!

(
The DOORBELL rings
.)

JOEL. (
Referrιng to the door
.) So you’re going to tell them?

SARAH. Don’t you tell them.

JOEL. I’m not going to tell them. Are you going to tell them?

SARAH. I swear to God, Joel. Don’t you say anything.

JOEL. I am not going to say anything.

BOB. Kids? They’re here.

(
BOB opens the door MIRIAM. and ABE enter
.)

MIRIAM. (
Gιving Bob a big kiss on the cheek
.) Hello, David. Mazel Tov.

BOB. Hi. Thank you.

ABE. For two hours, we looked for a parking space.

MIRIAM. Abe, shah. Oh, I’m so excited. We have so much to talk about. (
SHE sees Joel
.) Joel, you’re here already? (
Handing Sarah the casserole dish
.) Sarah, here. Put this in the oven at three-fifty.

BOB. (
Shaking hands with Abe
.) Mr. Goldman.

ABE. You call me “Dad” now. Welcome to the family.

BOB. Thank you.

ABE. “Thank you, Dad.”

BOB. Thank you, Dad.

MIRIAM. Come, children. Sit. Sit. We have so much to talk about. Have you decided on a date? Where do you want the wedding? Wherever you want. You decide.

ABE. Oh, this is going to cost me.

MIRIAM. There’s so much to do. We have to get a room. We have to call a caterer. I have to find out who was the caterer for the Silverman wedding. Him, I wouldn’t call.

SARAH. Mom. Dad. There’s something I have to tell you.

MIRIAM. That’s why we’re here. To talk about the wedding.

SARAH. There’s something else we have to talk about first.

MIRIAM. So talk. Have you decided on the date?

SARAH. No, um ... There’s something you have to know.

MIRIAM. What? Whenever you want is fine by us.

SARAH. I’m not talking about the wedding.

MIRIAM. What’s there to talk about besides the wedding?

SARAH. Will you let me talk and I’ll tell you?!

MIRIAM. Excuse me.

SARAH. (
Bracing herself
.) I know you’re not going to be happy about this, but ... The truth of the matter is... (
Collapsing
.) David has to go to a medical convention in San Francisco.

JOEL. Sarah.

BOB. Sarah.

SARAH. It’s not worth it. Let’s just do what we’re going to do?

MIRIAM. What are you going to do?

SARAH. We’re getting married.

JOEL. You’re not getting married.

MIRIAM. You’re not getting married?

BOB. We’re not getting married in the way you think we’re getting married.

MIRIAM. How many ways are there to get married?

BOB. We’ll get married any way you want us to get married.

SARAH. (
To Bob
.) What are you talking about?

BOB. That’s what I was trying to tell you before.

MIRIAM. Abe, what are they talking about?

ABE. I don’t know. (
To Sarah and Bob
.) What are you talking about?

(
The DOORBELL rings
.)

SARAH. (
Getting up
.) Now, what?

MIRIAM. You invited somebody else?

SARAH. No. I don’t know who ... (
SHE opens the door. CHRIS is there
.) Oh my God.

CHRIS. May I speak with you for a moment?

SARAH. This is not a good time.

CHRIS. I have something to say to you, Sarah, and I really think you should hear it.

SARAH. I promise. I’ll call you tomorrow, all right?

CHRIS. (
Barges in
.) I’m not putting this off any longer. (
HE sees everyone
.) Oh. Forgive me for barging in like this. But perhaps it’s just as well that all of you are here. (
To Sarah
.) Sarah, there comes a time when a man has to stake his claim. (
HE looks at Sarah and then turns and moves to Abe
.) Mr. Goldman. I am fully cognizant of the fact that you don’t approve of me. But, I think, if you got to know me, you would discover that, in spite of the fact that I work in advertising, I am a very decent human being. I love your daughter very much. And while it is the source of some conflict for her, I believe that she loves me. I would like to dedicate my life to making her happy and providing for her ιn every way I possibly can. So with your permission and, hopefully, with your blessing, I am going to ask your daughter for her hand in marriage.

ABE. (
HE considers him and then turns to Sarah
.) Who is this?

SARAH. You remember Chris?

MIRIAM. Chris?

SARAH. The man I was seeing who I told you I wasn’t seeing anymore?

MIRIAM. (
After a beat
.) Santa Claus.

CHRIS. An unfortunate sobriquet. But it will not dissuade me from my purpose (
HE turns to Sarah
.) Sarah ... Will you marry me?

BOB. Whoa! Wait a minute! Excuse me, please. (
To Chris
.) We’re all very moved by your efforts here. But, you see, the family has gathered to discuss wedding plans for Sarah and me. I just haven’t had the chance to do my part. (
To Sarah
.) Sarah. When it’s right you know it. Will you please marry me?

CHRIS. What?!

MIRIAM. You already asked her. (
To Sarah
.) Didn’t he already ask you?

CHRIS. (
To Sarah
.) You’ve only known him for four weeks.

ABE. Four weeks?

MIRIAM. No. They met at Marilyn’s wedding.

SARAH. We didn’t meet at Marilyn’s wedding.

MIRIAM. You met at somebody else’s wedding?

SARAH. No. I mean ...

BOB. (
To Miriam
.) I don’t actually know Marilyn.

MIRIAM. (
To Sarah
.) You said you met your new boyfriend at Marilyn’s wedding.

SARAH. He’s not my boyfriend.

BOB. I’m not your boyfriend?

SARAH. Yes, you’re my boyfriend.

ABE. He’s your boyfriend or he’s not your boyfriend?

CHRIS. That’s to be determined. Sarah, you have two offers on the table.

MIRIAM. She’s marrying David.

SARAH. I’m not marrying David.

MIRIAM. He’s not good enough for you?

SARAH. No! I mean, yes. He’s good enough.

MIRIAM. So it’s settled.

SARAH. It’s not settled! Nothing is settled! (
Sighs
.) All right. All right. Look. This isn’t going to be easy to explain so, uh ... just bear with me on this. (
To Miriam and Abe
.) Mom. Dad. This whole thing is because I care about how you two feel.

MIRIAM. What thing?

SARAH. This thing. This whole thing here.

MIRIAM. Abe, what is this thing?

ABE. How should I know? It’s her thing. (
To Sarah
.) What is this thing?

JOEL. This “thing” is your’s and Sarah’s relationship.

SARAH. Joel, please.

MIRIAM. Our relationship?

SARAH. Our relationship is ... It’s very important to me. And I would never ... All right, look. Remember, after Marilyn’s wedding, I told you all about this wonderful man I met?

MIRIAM. (
Fawning over Bob
) And he
is
wonderful.

SARAH. This isn’t him. I mean, it is him. But it’s not him the way you think it’s him. (
SHE takes a deep breath
.) This is Bob Schroeder. After I told you I’d stopped seeing Chris, I kept on seeing him and made up David to be my boyfriend.

MIRIAM. (
Confused
.) Abe?

ABE. (
To Sarah
.) Made up? What do you mean, made up?

SARAH. I mean, he doesn’t exist. There is no Dr. David Steinberg. I made him up because I wanted you to think I had a boyfriend you’d be happy about. I hired Bob to portray David. To portray the boyfriend you thought I had.

ABE. Portray? Like an actor?

BOB. Exactly like an actor.

MIRIAM. Joel, you knew about this?

JOEL. Only just recently.

MIRIAM. Sarah, how could you do such a thing?

SARAH. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.

ABE. So you make up a story? You lie? You don’t lie to your parents.

SARAH. I did it to make you happy.

ABE. Lying should make us happy?

SARAH. Well, you weren’t crazy about the truth. You say you want me to be happy. But I’m only supposed to be happy with what makes you happy. I have to live my own life.

ABE. So who’s life are you living? Mine?

SARAH. Yes. In a way.

ABE. So don’t do me any favors.

SARAH. Daddy ...

JOEL. Dad ...

BOB. Mr. Goldman, please. I’m partially responsible for what’s going on here. I wouldn’t have gone along with it except that it was obvious to me that Sarah put herself into this situation because of how much she cares about you and Mrs. Goldman. And I wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t grown to care for you myself as I have grown to care for Sarah. Okay. So I’m not really a doctor. So I’m not really Jewish ...

MIRIAM. You’re not Jewish! Oh! Abe!

ABE. Let’s go, Miriam.

BOB. Mrs. Goldman. From Sarah and me, you and Mr. Goldman will have Jewish grandchildren. Not only because their mother is Jewish. I’m prepared to convert.

CHRIS. Me, too!

(
EVERYBODY looks at him
.)

CHRIS. I was going to say that.

SARAH. We’ll talk about it later.

ABE. Talk about it now! We’re leaving! Miriam!

SARAH. Daddy, please ...

ABE. It’s all right. You live your own life. You work out your own problems. (
With emphasis
.) But if you did what we told you, you wouldn’t have these problems.

JOEL. You’re not helping the situation.

ABE. I’m helping. Leaving is helping.

BOB. Mr. Goldman, please stay.

ABE. I’m not staying here. I don’t stay anywhere I don’t want to stay.

SARAH. Will you just talk to me?

ABE. You don’t lie to your parents!

SARAH. I’m sorry.

MIRIAM. Abe ...

ABE. You want to know from lying? I’ll tell you when you lie. You lie to the man who tells you you can’t come into his country because you don’t have a sponsor. You lie to the man who says you can’t go to his school because you have a name that sounds funny. You lie to the kid who comes into your store and holds a gun to your head and wants to take your life from you.

MIRIAM. Abe ...

SARAH. Daddy ...

ABE. Goodbye! Good luck! Gezunterhayt!

MIRIAM. Abe ...

ABE. I’m not staying here! I don’t stay anywhere ... (
HE gasps for breath. HE clutches his chest
.)

MIRIAM. Abe!

SARAH. Daddy!

JOEL. Dad!

(
JOEL, BOB and CHRIS rush to Abe and help hιm to sιt
)

JOEL. Sιt down. Sιt down.

MIRIAM. Abe!

ABE. I’m all right.

SARAH. Daddy!

ABE. It’s nothing. I’m all right.

SARAH. Mom?

MIRIAM. Call 9-1-1.

ABE. Don’t call 9-1-1.

MIRIAM. Sarah, call 9-1-1.

ABE I’m all right.

(
SARAH goes to the phone and dials
)

BOB Joel, loosen his tιe.

ABE. I’m all right.

CHRIS. What are we supposed to do?

JOEL. (
To Bob
.) You couldn’t be a doctor now, could you?

BOB. You’re more a doctor than I am.

JOEL. I’m a therapist. You want me to ask him how he
feels
about being sick?

SARAH. (
Returning from the phone
.) They’re on their way.

ABE. Don’t call 9-1-1.

MIRIAM. (
To Sarah
.) Get him something to drιnk.

ABE. I’m all right.

BOB. What else can we do?

JOEL. (
Hovering over Abe
.) Is there anything else we can do for you?

ABE. Why don’t you all crowd around so I don’t get too much air?

JOEL. (
Moving everybody back
.) All right. Give him air. Give him air.

MIRIAM. Abe ...

BOB. It’s all right. He’s going to be all right.

BLACKOUT

ACT III

Scene 2

AT RISE: It is the next day. SARAH is sitting on the couch, lost in thought. BOB and CHRIS are at the table, opposite each other. THEY are fast asleep. The PHONE rings. BOB and CHRIS sit up with a start. SARAH picks up the phone.

SARAH. Hello? ... Joel, hi. How’s Dad? ... What did the doctor say? ... Uh-huh. You think he will? ... Right. How’s Mom? ... Yeah, it’s here ... Okay ...Yeah, I’m all right ... Yes, they’re still here ...Okay. ’Bye. (
SHE hangs up the phone
.)

CHRIS. So what did the doctor say?

SARAH. He told my father he has to take it easy. I’ll believe it when I see it. Anyway, it could have been a lot worse. They were able to rule out an M.I.

BOB. Rule out a what?

SARAH. Myocardial Infarction.

BOB. What’s that?

(
CHRIS glares at Bob
.)

BOB. (
To Chris
.) I gave up my medical practice.

CHRIS. It’s a heart attack.

SARAH. They said it was a warning this time. They released him already. Joel is taking them home. He just has to stop off here on the way. Mom left her purse here last night. (
Pause
.) I am so afraid of losing them

BOB. Sarah, you’re dad’s going to be fine. SARAH. I look at my parents. All I see are parents. I’ve never seen them as two individuals. Two people who I love and care for so much.

BOB. Can I get you something to eat? You haven’t eaten all night.