Beau Jest (6 page)

SARAH. Oh. Yeah, well ... Let me get my checkbook.

BOB. No, no. Sarah. Seriously. I can’t.

SARAH. I have to pay you.

BOB. No, you don’t. You allowed me to spend Passover with you and your family. It was wonderful.

SARAH. You’re sure?

BOB. Absolutely.

SARAH. Well, thank you.

BOB. And thank you for the dinner. I don’t expect to be hungry ’til Tuesday.

(
HE gets his coat, puts it on, and THEY walk to the door
.)

BOB. Well ...

SARAH. Yeah.

BOB. I hope everything works out for you.

SARAH. Thanks. You, too.

BOB. Thanks. Listen, would it be all right if I gave you a call sometime? Just to keep in touch?

SARAH. Sure. You have to let me know when you’re in a show.

BOB. Right ... Right ... Well ...

SARAH. One thing I wanted to ask you.

BOB. What?

SARAH. Um ... How did you know “Miss-Kite?”

BOB. (
Correcting her
.) “Meiskeit.”

SARAH. Right. “Meiskeit.” Thank you.

BOB. I did “Cabaret” once. There’s a whole song called “Meiskeit.”

SARAH. You’re amazing.

BOB. Yeah, well ...

SARAH. One other thing I wanted to ask you.

BOB. Sure.

SARAH. The first night you were here ... when my father took our picture ... and you kissed me?

BOB. Yeah?

SARAH. Was that a David kiss or a Bob kiss?

BOB. Oh. That was a David kiss.

SARAH. Oh.

(
THEY look at each other
.)

BOB. This is a Bob kiss.

(
THEY kiss
.)

BOB. Listen, uh ... Last week I escorted a very nice elderly lady to the theatre. I really love going to the theatre. May I, some evening, escort you to the theatre?

SARAH. I’d like that.

BOB. I’ll call you during the week.

SARAH. Okay.

(
THEY kiss
.)

BOB. I’ll call you tomorrow.

SARAH. Okay.

(
THEY kiss
.)

BOB. I’ll call you when I get home.

SARAH. Okay.

(
THEY kiss
.)

BOB. Why don’t we talk about it now?

SARAH. Why don’t you take off your coat and stay awhile?

BOB. Okay.

(
HE drops his coat. SHE takes his hand and leads him back into the apartment. SHE stops and looks at him
.)

SARAH. (
Suddenly remembering
.) You’re not Jewish! (
SHE laughs
.) Oy!

BLACKOUT

Scene 1

AT RISE: The PHONE rings. SARAH enter from the bedroom, wearing a robe and a towel around her hair. SHE picks up the phone.

SARAH. Hello? ... Hi ... Well, I’m kind of busy right now ... I know. I want to talk to you, too ... No, I don’t think that’s such a good idea ... I just think it’s better if we don’t see each other for the time being ... Chris, I don’t know what else there is to say ... I know I did most of the talking. Chris, look, you have every right to be angry ... Well, you have every right to be whatever you are ... Chris, I have to get ready. My family’s coming over ... Yes, and Bob ... Don’t say, “Ah-hah.” There’s no reason to say, “Ah-hah.” ... Chris ... (
SHE stops
.) Shoot. Wait a minute. I have another call. Hold on. (
SHE presses a button
.) Hello? ... Hi ... No, he’s not here yet ... No, I have everything here. Where are you? ... I’ve got dessert ... Pie ... I’ve got ice cream. (
The sound of a “DING” is heard from the kitchen
.) Mom ... Mom, I got to go take the roast out ... No! It’s in the oven ... Mom, I got to go. I’ll see you soon, all right? ’Bye. (
SHE hangs up the phone and runs into the kitchen. After a moment, SHE runs through the room and goes into the bedroom. Silence for a moment
.) Shoot! (
SHE runs into the room, goes to the phone and dials
.) Chris, I am so sorry. That was my mother. She’s driving me crazy. I can’t talk to you now ... Don’t. Don’t call me later. My parents will be here ... And Bob ... Chris, that’s not ... Chris ... I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Believe me, I want to talk to you. It’s just things are very complicated right now ...

(
The DOORBELL rings
)

SARAH. (
Into phone
) Hold on. (
To door
.) Who is it?

BOB. (
From outside
.) It’s me.

SARAH. Just a second. (
Into phone
.) Chris, I have to go ... Yes ... Yes ...’Bye. (
SHE hangs up the phone SHE takes a breath SHE goes to the door and opens it
.)

BOB. (
Enters
) Hi.

SARAH. Hi.

(
THEY hug
.)

SARAH. Oh, God, I’m so glad you’re here. Come on in. I’m getting dressed. (
SHE exιts into the bedroom
)

BOB. I got your message. Did you get my message that I got your message?

SARAH. Yes. Thanks for coming.

BOB. You’re parents are going to be here?

SARAH. Yes.

BOB. Joel?

SARAH. Yes.

BOB. What’s the occasion?

SARAH. (
SHE appears in the doorway
.) We’re engaged.

BOB. What?!

SARAH. Sorry. (
SHE disappears
.)

BOB. Congratulations. Wish I could’ve been there.

SARAH. Don’t worry. You were wonderful.

BOB. When you say we’re engaged, I take it you mean you and Dr. Steinberg are engaged.

SARAH. I’m sorry. It just happened. My mother was giving me the “you’re not getting any younger” speech and I just blurted it out. (
SHE appears in the doorway
.) You should’ve seen the look on her face. I’ve never seen her so happy. I just didn’t think this would get so ... I just ... didn’t think. You don’t mind playing doctor one more time, do you? (
SHE disappears
.)

BOB. No, I guess not. I had an audition yesterday. I look at the script. I’m auditioning to be a doctor. I said, “I can do this.”

SARAH. (
Enters, dressed
.) They want to see us tonight to “celebrate our engagement.” Can you help me set the table?

BOB. Sure.

(
THEY proceed to set the table
.)

SARAH. At least you get to have some more lukschen kugel.

BOB. Great. Is there anything I need to know? When’s “the big day?”

SARAH. I promise you it won’t go that far.

BOB. Oh?

SARAH. I’m trying to think ahead for a change. What do you think of this? Next week, I’ll announce that you’re going to a medical convention in San Francisco. While there, you’ll run into an old girl friend who is now an OB-GYN at the Mayo Clinic. You’ll come back, we’ll fight, you’ll move to Minnesota, send me a Dear Jane letter, and that’ll be the end of David Steinberg.

BOB. Uh-huh. So fade out on Sarah and David. Now what about Sarah and Bob?

SARAH. We can keep seeing each other. I mean, do you want to?

BOB. Very much.

SARAH. So do I.

BOB. We just can’t tell your parents.

SARAH. Not right away, okay?

BOB. Then we’re back to the beginning. Only with a slight shift in casting. This time, I’ll be the odd man out. I don’t think I like that arrangement.

SARAH. Just give me some time, okay? (
SHE touches her hair
.) I have to dry my hair.

(
SHE exits into the bedroom. After a moment, we hear the WHIR af a hair dryer. BOB is alone onstage. The PHONE rings. The call is intercepted by an answering machine. After the BEEP, we hear CHRIS’s VOICE
.)

CHRIS. Sarah, I know you’re there. You don’t have to pick up the phone. I don’t want to be a pest ... I just wanted to say ... I know you’re going through a difficult time right now and I just want you to know ... I’m here for you ... I love you and ... I wish we could keep seeing each other and ... I love you and ... I’m here ... ’Bye. (
HE hangs up
.)

(
SARAH has entered to hear the last two lines. SHE looks at Bob
.)

BOB. You haven’t told him about us.

SARAH. No. I didn’t want him to think I broke up with him just because of you. I don’t want to hurt him.

BOB. Sarah. By the time this whole thing is over, chances are somebody’s going to get hurt.

SARAH. I’m sorry I got you into this.

BOB. I’m not. You know, when I got your message to come to dinner, I was thinking it was so we could introduce me—the real me—to your family.

SARAH. I wish we could, but this ... Monster I’ve created. I don’t know how to get around it.

BOB. All right, look. The problem you had with Chris ...

SARAH. Is exactly the same problem I have with you.

BOB. Sarah, in my own quiet way, I have been falling in love with you. You know that.

SARAH. Yes. I just need a little time, okay? Over time, I can break the whole thing to them gently. How about that?

BOB. Well ... I don’t want this to sound like a threat or an ultimatum or anything, but ... I’m not going to do that.

SARAH. What do you want me to do?

BOB. Sarah. Write this in ink. Chisel it in stone. Embroider it on a doily. “There’s the truth. And then there’s everything else.”

SARAH. I don’t know.

BOB. Sarah, Sarah, look. Here’s the thing. I’ve been thinking.

SARAH. What have you been thinking?

BOB. You’re parents are crazy about me, you know.

SARAH. They’re crazy about Dr. Steinberg.

BOB. So what’s in a name?

SARAH. What’s in a name? Let’s not forget what happened to Romeo and Juliet,

BOB. Romeo and Juliet concealed their love. That was their mistake. Let’s not do that. (
Grandly
.) “Call me but love and I’ll be ... Judaized.” I think we should go public.

SARAH. How?!

BOB. Well, here’s the thing. This is what I’ve been thinking ...

(
The DOORBELL rings
.)

SARAH. Excuse me. Hold that thought. (
SHE goes to the door and calls out
.) Who is it?

JOEL. (
From outside
.) It’s Joel.

SARAH. (
Opens the door
.) Joel. Hi. You’re early.

JOEL. I know. I wanted to talk to you before Mom and Dad get here.

BOB. Joel. Hi.

JOEL. Dr. Steinberg. So nice to see you. (
To Sarah
.) I hear you’re engaged.

BOB. Yep. It’s official. You’re gaining a brother.

JOEL. Who
are
you?

BOB. We’ve met. I’m David.

JOEL. (
To Sarah
.) You want to tell me what’s going on here?

SARAH. What do you mean?

JOEL. I finally called Northwestern Memorial.

SARAH. You what?

JOEL. There actually is a Dr. David Steinberg there. Only he’s eighty years old and works in Orthopedics. Now what’s going on?

(
SARAH looks at Bob. BOB nods
.)

SARAH. (
To Joel
.) Remember Chris?

JOEL. Chris. (
Remembering
.) Yes.

SARAH. I told everyone I’d stopped seeing him, but I didn’t stop seeing him. I invented Dr. David Steinberg to tell Mother about so she’d quit trying to fix me up all the time. Dave ... Bob is an actor I hired to play the part for you all.

JOEL. Oh my God. (
To Bob
.) You’re an actor?

BOB. Bob Schroeder. Hi.

JOEL. (
To Sarah
.) And you set this whole thing up because you didn’t like the guys Mother fixed you up with?

SARAH. She wanted to see me with the perfect boyfriend. I gave her the perfect boyfriend.

JOEL. And you’re still seeing Chris.

SARAH. Well, no actually. Not anymore.

JOEL. So how long is this going to go on?

SARAH. Well, now it gets kind of complicated.

JOEL.
Now
it gets complicated?

BOB. Sarah and Dr. Steinberg are breaking up. Sarah and Actor Bob are just beginning.

JOEL. Wonderful.

SARAH. Just let me handle it, all right?

JOEL. Handle it? How are you going to handle it?

SARAH. I’m working on it.

JOEL. I don’t suppose honesty has occurred to you as an option, has it?

BOB. We were just discussing that.

SARAH. I can’t tell them about Bob anymore than I could tell them about Chris.

JOEL. I don’t see how ...

SARAH. Bob isn’t Jewish either.

JOEL. (
Taken aback, to Bob
.) You’re not Jewish?

BOB. Not officially, no.

JOEL. No wonder I was so confused. I had a feeling there was something phony about Dr. Steinberg. It never occurred to me that
everything
was phony about Dr. Steinberg.

BOB. I’m sorry. We really didn’t expect it to go this far.

JOEL. You put on a hell of a performance.

BOB. Thank you. Thank you very much.

SARAH. (
To Joel
.) I was just trying to make them happy, you know?

JOEL. I see.

SARAH. If Mom and Dad weren’t so bent out of shape about me dating someone who isn’t Jewish, none of this would have happened.

JOEL. There are other issues here besides who you choose to date.

SARAH. Oh, please. Don’t be a therapist. Don’t start psychoanalyzing.

JOEL. I’m not psychoanalyzing. I’m just saying the problem here isn’t simply about interfaith relationships.

SARAH. No. The problem is they want to control my life.

JOEL. They’re just expressing their opinions about what they think will make you happy. Granted, they have a very strong set of values about how we should live. But you don’t have to let another person’s values control your life.

SARAH. Why are you taking their side?

JOEL. I’m not taking their side. I’ll support you one hundred percent. Just tell me what you want me to support. What do you want right now? This moment?

SARAH. You’re talking like a therapist.

JOEL. I’m not talking like a therapist. (
To Bob
.) Am I talking like a therapist?

BOB. Yeah.

JOEL. (
To Sarah
.) Okay, I’m talking like a therapist. So indulge me. Even if it’s something you’re sure Mom and Dad would be very unhappy about. What do you want most for yourself right now?

SARAH. (
After a beat
.) I want to be with Bob. JOEL. Okay.

SARAH. Oh, I have your permission? Well, thank you very much.

JOEL. Why do you have to have someone’s permission?

SARAH. Because that’s the way I was raised, okay? I was raised to be sensitive to other people’s feelings. We always have to be “nice.” Everything has to be “nice.” God forbid anybody’s feelings should be hurt.

JOEL. What about
your
feelings?

SARAH. I have no time to consider my feelings. I spend my whole life worrying about
their
feelings.

JOEL. Hey, I’m concerned about their feelings, too, but ...

SARAH. Oh, really? You weren’t so concerned about their feelings when you got divorced. They were traumatized.

JOEL. I was concerned about their feelings. But I took responsibility for my own actions.

SARAH. Oh, well, forgive me for not being as self-actualized as you.

JOEL. Look, whatever resentment you have towards me ...

SARAH. Is nothing compared to the resentment I have towards them!

JOEL. Oh. Well, now we’re getting somewhere.

SARAH. I just want to live my own life.

JOEL. So who’s stopping you?

SARAH. They are.

JOEL. They are?

SARAH. Yes.

JOEL. Well. Can I just say one thing about that? ... Baloney.

SARAH. I don’t need this right now.

JOEL. The only one who’s keeping you from living your own life is you. But when you consider your own feelings, it’s scary, isn’t it? Feelings are scary. Because then you have to take responsibility for yourself.

SARAH. Therapist!

JOEL. Yes! I’m a therapist! I can’t not be a therapist. And you can’t expect Mom and Dad to not be parents. That’s who they are. They’re not going to change. If you want your relationship with them to be different, you’re the one who’s going to have to change.

SARAH. They won’t let me.

JOEL. Oh, well, then it’s all their fault and you can blame them for all your problems. Everyday, I have clients in my office going on and on about how their parents screwed them up.

SARAH. And what do you say to them?