Being a Boy (10 page)

Similarly, if all this sex malarkey just isn’t all that appealing, or if the thought of someone else’s genitals plain terrifies you, this is another sure sign that now isn’t the time for you to be doing the sex. This is also fine. I always think you’ll KNOW when the time is right for you. A natural curiosity seems to blossom in us all at some point, but like everything relating to puberty, the day it arrives in your head and heart will be totally different to your next-door neighbour.

But what if you really want to have sex but can’t? Welcome to real life, mate! Pressuring and harassing partners to have sex is about as sexy as the smell you get when you leave a bit of raw chicken in the bin on a hot day. No one likes a slathering, horny teenage boy humping their leg like a dog in heat.

A piece of wisdom: if every loud-mouthed shitweasel was REALLY having as much sex as they brag about, do you really think they’d be wasting time CHATTING ABOUT IT? No, they’d be off DOING IT. I find the more people brag about sex, the more imaginary it is.

Anyway, you’ll know when you want to have sex because you’ll really, really want to. So when the time comes and remember the time will come, how do you do it and how do you do it well?

The good news is, you have your whole life to practice getting good at doing sex. No one is expecting you to be a first time porn star, THANK GOD. Remember what a turn-off that can be!

Instead, I want you to remember this: LOADS OF THINGS FEEL NICE. If you do lots of these things (not all at once), and remember to ask ‘does that feel nice?’, your partner will think that you are the best sex-doer there has ever been.

Here are the basics – the areas that feel nice.

There’s more than you think!

All the same bits feel nice on YOUR body too – with two small differences. First, and one would hope obviously, you have a penis which is insanely sensitive and you also have a prostate gland up your bum which feels nice when stimulated. So whether you’re into boys or girls, you should be targeting roughly the same areas.

We talked about how penises look different, yeah? Well so do vaginas. Just as porn would have us believe all penises are rock-hard and about eleven inches long, it also tells us that all vaginas are tiny, hairless and have internal labia minora.
They all look different, but all are normal
. If you are gonna be funny about what a girl’s vagina and surrounding hair looks like, don’t be surprised if she laughs at your cock. If body parts are making you squeamish, this is another sign that you are probably not quite ready for a sexual relationship.

Y
ou have to think about sex. It’s not a race to stick your penis in things. Contrary to what you may have heard, there isn’t a contest and you won’t win anything once you do. Take it nice and slow – you’ll get more out of it and so will your partner. Attacking your partner like a sexual ram-raider is unlikely to win you any fans.

Think of it like a super-fancy dinner. Even if the main course was a bit crap, if there was a delicious starter and dessert, you’re less likely to mind. That’s why, if you do lots of different things which feel nice, your partner is likely to go away happy.

This is where foreplay comes in handy. Never go straight to penetration. The whole point of kissing, stroking and touching is that it turns you both on and readies the body for what’s about to happen.

H
aving done lots of nice foreplay it’s time to get going. Let’s break it down into nice, easy parts.

ORAL SEX:
Not surprisingly this means ‘do it with your mouth’ and tongue. The clitoris or penis can be stimulated orally and, yep – you guessed it – it FEELS NICE. Watch the teeth, though, NO ONE likes that. If you ejaculate, or cum, in a girl’s mouth, she cannot get pregnant, but there is a risk of sexually transmitted infection. (See
‘STIs’
in chapter five.)

Stimulation of the penis is achieved by moving the mouth and tongue up and down the shaft, allowing pressure to build. The word ‘blow-job’ is misleading in that no blowing occurs – it’s more of a sucking motion. A woman’s clitoris and the surrounding area can be licked, sucked and kissed, too.

DIGITAL STIMULATION:
Sometimes it’s quicker and less messy to just do ‘handies’. Remember it’s her clit you’re looking for, not just the hole. You and your partner can also stimulate each other by rubbing and stroking your penis. Never apologise for lending a hand, either, sometimes you need a hand to cum and sometimes so does your partner. In fact while we’re on the subject … Sex doesn’t always finish with cumming or an orgasm. It’s nice if it does, but if you or your partner don’t cum it’s not the end of the world and it’s nothing to be ashamed of or worried about. This is another porn hangover – in porn everyone ALWAYS cums. In fact, female porn stars often start screaming with pleasure if a man breathes near them. In real life, not so much.

VAGINAL SEX:
This is the one you need to do if you want to make a baby. You can’t just plug it in like an iPod and expect the magic to happen. The penis must be rubbed in and out until ejaculation. It’s the friction that does the trick. Your partner can also achieve orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris and arguably the G-spot. During sex, the vagina cleverly lubricates itself to make sexual intercourse easier for both of you.

Contrary to the sex-ed films you might have seen in school, there are lots of different ways of doing vaginal sex. Standing up, sat down, lying down, on the side, her on top, you on top, you on your head … You get the picture. TALK ABOUT IT. What position feels best for you? What position feels best for her?
Despite what porn has taught you, pounding away like a steam engine on speed is NOT the way forward
. Start SLOW to allow your partner to get used to the alien appendage currently poking about inside her.

Vaginal sex shouldn’t HURT, but it may be uncomfortable the first few times a girl has sex. Be aware of this to make her and your early sexual experiences positive ones, unless of course, you actively enjoy girls referring to you as ‘dickhead’. Also, if she doesn’t have an orgasm when you’re having vaginal sex, that’s fine. If that’s the case, try some of the other things that feel nice, like oral or digital sex, to help stimulate her instead. It’s worth noting that additional lubricant – which you can buy from any chemist – will reduce friction during sex. Just make sure you get a water-based lube as oil based lubes (such as Vaseline) can split condoms.

If any of your spooge ends up in her vagina, or even near her vagina, it is possible you will make a baby. Don’t believe ANY old wives tales about certain positions preventing you from getting pregnant. It is even possible for a girl to get pregnant when she has her period. So make sure you wear a condom.

ANAL SEX (AKA BAN THIS SICK FILTH):
Even though there may be brigades of angry Internet people carrying flaming torches, it’s important we talk about this however controversial it seems.

You don’t have to look very far to find anal sex in porn. I’m talking straight porn here – we’ll talk about gay men in a while. There is so much anal sex in straight porn that you’d think it was the most common thing in the world. However, a 2012 US study found only 44 per cent of straight men had anal sex at least once in their lives, while 36 per cent of women reported the same. That’s less than half, you guys. It is also worth noting that not all men that have sex with men like anal sex.

Anyway, anal sex is inserting your penis into your partner’s butt.

1. Anal sex hurts the bum.
   
2. If you have anal sex, don’t be surprised if you get poo on your winky.
   

If you want to have anal sex you will need some lubricant, or lube, because the anus does not lubricate itself. You cannot make a baby via anal sex, but as the anal passage is particularly delicate there is a heightened risk of contracting STIs through this type of sex.

In order to minimise the ‘poo-on-your-winky’ situation, some people prepare by cleaning their anus thoroughly or ‘douching’ – squirting water into their back passage.

Although I made that sound like quite hard work, a lot of people really enjoy anal sex. There’s only one way to find out if your partner does … ASK!

I’m not sure I said the word anal enough.
SO ANAL
.

Another spanner to throw in the works: What should one say during sex? Silent sex is notoriously creepy. No wants to hear passing traffic at the height of passion, but screaming, ‘OOOH YEAH, OH YEAH BABY, JUST LIKE THAT, SAY MY NAME,’ belongs firmly in the domain of porn stars and erotic novels.

So what’s a boy to do? Encouragement is always good. Let your partner know what they’re doing well and they’ll do more of it – a positive sexual feedback loop if you will. This can be conveyed with well-timed groaning or a quick ‘that’s amazing’. If you want to groan, go on, but be aware of the poor neighbours.

The dirty talk dilemma: a bit of filthy chat CAN be a turn on, but ONLY if both partners are into it.

Most young people are fascinated with the idea of same-sex sex – both men and women. I imagine this is because no one really talks about it because ‘it’s rude’. (FYI, it’s not.)

Here are the basics for two men and two women. Note I didn’t say ‘gay’ – remember you don’t have to identify as gay to have sex with someone who is the same gender as you.

MAN ON MAN:
Two men can do lots of things that FEEL NICE. Don’t forget the ears, lips, neck and so on during foreplay. Oral sex, digital stimulation of both the penis and prostate gland up the bum and anal sex all FEEL NICE.

WOMAN ON WOMAN:
Two women can do lots of things that FEEL NICE. Oral sex, digital stimulation of both the clitoris and G-spot and anal sex, stroking the ears, lips, neck and so on. Two women may use sex toys such as vibrators and dildos for penetrative sex.

Common Misconceptions 101

In same-sex relationships one partner is ‘the man’ and one is ‘the woman’. This is nonsense. It’s either two men or two women. That’s sort of the whole point, duh.

It should be pretty clear that same-sex sex is VERY like mixed-sex sex. There are so many incredibly dumb rumours about same sex couples but a lot of it is our fault, by that I mean grown-ups, TV and school, for not telling you the whole truth. More or less, human beings are like little Lego bricks – we all click together quite neatly – male or female.

Baby Talk

Two men can adopt a child or use a surrogate to have a baby. Two women can also adopt a child, use a surrogate or have a fertilised egg implanted in one partner’s uterus in a process called ‘in-vitro fertilisation’, or IVF, if they want to be parents. But biologically, same-sex partners cannot conceive a child by having sex.

A very common question. The answer is because IT FEELS NICE. You know how eating cake is pleasurable? So is sex. You should probably aim to have sex as much as you eat cake – often, but not so often you make yourself sick.

You know how wanking feels good for boys? Well it also feels good for girls. A vibrator is a battery or mains operated device that feels nice for girls. It is used to stimulate their clitoris and, possibly the G-spot.

Cackling hen parties joking, somewhat cruelly, about how ‘he didn’t last two minutes’ may have led to some anxiety about the duration of sexyfuntime. Oh poor Penis, he has so much to worry about. As mentioned before, sex is VERY EXCITING, sometimes you might get over excited and cum quite quickly. It happens.