Being a Boy (12 page)

Abortion, or a termination, is when an unborn foetus (little squiggly baby thing) is removed from a woman’s womb before it could live by itself in the outside world. If this happens by accident, it’s usually called a miscarriage, if the procedure is carried out by a doctor it’s most often known as abortion.

There are approximately a BILLION reasons why a couple or an individual might choose to have an abortion – sometimes it’s just not the right time to be having that baby. Sometimes young people have abortions, sometimes older people have them. People who have already had children have abortions, people who have had abortions go on to have kids too.

However, as with emergency hormonal contraception (the ‘morning after pill’), abortion REALLY isn’t a replacement for a condom. Why? Because it’s not very pleasant for you or your partner.

Firstly, abortion is a faff. In the UK, for an NHS abortion, you have to get two doctors to agree the procedure is in the woman’s best interest. A pregnancy in its very early stages can be aborted ‘medically’ with pills – which may have horrid side effects, while pregnancies up to 24 weeks can be terminated ‘surgically’ – a process which basically involves a surgeon sucking the foetus out with a pump. I cannot imagine this is fun, and no surgery is without risk. I’ll tell you what IS fun: using a condom.

You should also be aware that abortion is a very hot topic. Some people think it is WRONG, some people STRONGLY feel that women should have greater control over their reproductive rights. To avoid dealing with such a thorny subject, just use a condom, OK? Thanks.

If you find yourself needing to talk to someone about abortion, you can speak to your GP, visit a GUM clinic or talk to Brook (contact details can be found at the back of the book).

Douche alert

Emergency contraception and abortion aren’t contraception – they’re emergency brake levers. There should be a fine for improper use.

Both are unpleasant – more so for women than men, so don’t put your partners in that situation unnecessarily.

Accidents happen and that’s why emergency hormonal contraception and abortion are important, but they are much harder work than using a condom.

I
f you are sexually active, it is possible that at some stage you might well get an STI, or ‘sexually transmitted infection’. There’s a ludicrous stigma attached to STIs – we wouldn’t be shy about saying, ‘oh I caught a cold off her’, or, ‘he’s the one I caught chickenpox off’, would we? But no, because some infections are passed around by
^*
whispers
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SEX, we are very squeamish about them.

That said, no one likes having a poorly peen or miserable muff and perhaps that’s why STIs are seen as worse than a cough or a cold.

Should you catch one, and it might not always be obvious, just go to the doctor or sexual health clinic. Most are easily treatable and testing usually involves little more than doing a wee in a cup, so there’s no excuse. However, prevention is better than cure so ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM.

GENITAL HERPES:
Nasty, painful and itchy sores on your penis or anus. Basically a cold sore on your knob. Cannot be cured – you’ll carry a dormant version of the virus for life – but can be treated. Once infected, victims may well experience further itchy/painful episodes.

GONORRHOEA, AKA ‘THE CLAP’:
Although not always symptomatic, the most pressing symptom is a burning sensation when you pee, although some sufferers may also get a delightful pus-like discharge from the penis. As it’s bacterial it can be treated with antibiotics. Oral gonorrhoea is on the rise too – the bacteria can live on your tonsils following oral sex.

GENITAL WARTS:
Genital warts are caused by a virus called HPV which is present in about 30 per cent of all sexually active people. It’s highly contagious but, of those, only about 3 per cent will ever develop a wart on the penis, vagina or anus. Visible warts can be treated with wart removal cream, cryotherapy (freezing them off), cutting them off (ouch!) or burning them off with electro- or laser therapy. If those methods weren’t unpleasant enough, the virus remains forever and recurrence is possible.

SYPHILIS:
Large, non-itchy, non-painful ulcers on the genitals or anus are the first sign of syphilis. This one needs to be treated quickly with antibiotics or there could be secondary symptoms. Syphilis can be fatal if left untreated.

A clever tip:

Peek inside your underwear. If you can see a discharge, this is a sign you could use a visit to a clinic. Similarly look for droppings … pubic lice leave their poo in the host’s pants. Yep! Lice poo!

CRABS:
This one is well confusing. WHY would you have crabs DOWN THERE? Turns out ‘crabs’ is a name for ‘pubic lice’ – sort of nits for your pubes. You can see them AND they’re super itchy. They can be treated with a lotion but they can be a pain to get rid of. As well as the itching, crabs have the embarrassing side effect of you having to ’fess up to your folks because the lice can live on bedding, clothes and towels. Therefore affected items need to be boil-washed, or you could potentially give your mum crabs.

CHLAMYDIA:
Well, in about 50 per cent of cases you might experience a slight discharge or a burning sensation when you pee. Or you might have chlamydia and never know because you don’t have any symptoms. BUT the consequences for women are much more serious as the bacteria can lead to severe reproductive problems. It’s worth noting it can lead to sterility in men, too, so you might not be able to have children. In 2011 approximately 186,000 people were treated for Chlamydia in the UK, making it by far the most common STI. That’s just the ones who were treated too.

HIV:
HIV (the virus) and AIDS (the response to the virus) are NOT going away. HIV and AIDS do not affect ONLY gay men and drug users. ANYONE can get HIV if they are having unprotected sex with a carrier of the virus. There is NO cure for HIV. Sorry that was all a bit Debbie-downer, but this super-serious disease just isn’t talked about in the way it once was. Although on first infection there may be flu-like symptoms, many people carry the virus without knowing it. The only way to be safe is … as you know WEAR A CONDOM!

HEPATITIS B AND C:
There’s a whole alphabet of Hepatitis viruses out there, but these are the ones mostly commonly transmitted via sex. It’s an infection of the liver and can be very serious. Hepatitis B can be vaccinated against.

This whole section is hugely depressing. I can’t tell you how itchy I was while writing it. It’s like as soon as someone says HEADLICE you start scratching. While we’re being SERIOUS, let’s also mention that drinking copious amounts of alcohol and having sex don’t go hand in hand. Research shows that young people are much more likely to make POOR CHOICES regarding safe sex while under the influence of drink and drugs. It’s also worth noting that having sex while one or both of you is drunk is usually pretty terrible for everyone involved.

Celibacy means ‘having no sex’ either through choice, or because you’re just too ugly – KIDDING! Celibacy isn’t a cool term, but I think we should dust it off and use it more often. I think it’s FINE to say, ‘I don’t want to have sex right now,’ or, ‘I’m not ready to have sex’. I think this is especially OK for young guys, maybe even you, who might not be ready for it yet. Even if you are ready and have had sex with one partner doesn’t mean you have to do it with another. Do you know what’s really good? KISSING AND HOLDING HANDS! Seriously! You can get all the same intimacy from a lovely cuddle, so don’t be railroaded into sex if you aren’t keen.

I think we should talk about TRADITIONAL VALUES for a moment. No, don’t run away, it’s important! Some people have cultural or religious reasons for being celibate and that’s fine, too. However, people with such values often still have sexthoughts and might even WANT SEX. Just because you WANT sex, doesn’t mean you have to have it. Lots of people want to wait until they are married or whatever and you should always respect the beliefs and opinions of others, even if they are different to your own.

It’s worth mentioning that not having sex is by far the most effective way of not getting pregnant or catching an STI. I know, I know! Just saying …

So, to wrap up (get it?), unless you’re a) in a trusting, committed relationship and really believe your partner is somehow incapable of cheating on you (REALLY?) b) are trying for a baby and c) have both been screened and cleared of STIs, let’s say it together:

DISCLAIMER

This book in no way guarantees you, ‘the reader’, a shag or even a snog. James Dawson, ‘the author’, accepts no liability for slaps-in-the-face and hoots of mocking laughter.

Now you know HOW to do the sex, I suppose it’s only fair to give some advice on how to meet people to do the sex with, otherwise it’s very much a solo event.

Be honest. Have you ever thought in your darkest hours that you might never meet someone? Or that you might and they won’t like you? Everyone has these thoughts. The good news is that there are nearly seven billion people on Earth and those who are post-puberty are nearly all trying to get laid. The odds are ever in your favour.

This is becoming a theme, right? In TV, mating works like this:

Sometimes this, or variations of this, actually happen. You might meet a girl or guy as part of your day-to-day life and you will have a natural reason to chat to them about work or school so there is no need for you to use ‘lines’. You fancy them and they fancy you back. That DOES sometimes happen. It happened to at least two married couples I know.

HOWEVER, the rest of us have to be a bit more proactive. You COULD sit around and wait for the beautiful girl/guy to walk into your life, but you might be waiting a really, really long time.