Belonging (16 page)

Everyone got up to lend a hand. I
started to wipe down the counter, but then I paused and took a long
look at the people around me. I loved my friends and family so
much, and if I moved, I was going to miss them like crazy. But my
life was at such a stand-still. A few months ago, I’d returned to
the house where I’d grown up because I hadn’t had any other
options. Now Jason was offering me an alternative. Didn’t I owe it
to myself to give that relationship a shot and to say yes to a
fresh start? I sighed quietly and went back to cleaning.

Chapter
Nine

I spent the next couple days grappling
with my decision. Meanwhile, Jason kept texting me from his
whirlwind travels, saying all the right things. I assured him I was
giving his offer serious thought.

On Wednesday, Vincent rented a wood
chipper, which we towed to Marin behind his big SUV. I hadn’t told
him (or any other member of my family) that I was thinking about
moving, so when he remarked that I was quiet, I just went with, “I
have a lot on my mind.” That was certainly true enough.

Zan was being...well, Zan when we
arrived. He did come out of his cave to say hello, then went right
back in a minute later. When Vincent went into the house for a
glass of water after a couple hours, Zan immediately engaged him in
conversation. But as soon as I joined them, he retreated to the
den.

I watched him through the windows
while we worked. Even from a distance, I could tell he was
agitated. He’d pace for a while, then perch on the edge of the
couch before leaping up and pacing again. What on earth was up with
him?

When the very last of the yard work
was completed, I paused to take a look around me. I’d done all I
could. The hills were freshly mowed, the trees cleared of dead
branches, the landscaping around the house totally cleaned up. I
couldn’t make Zan any safer all alone out here. Hopefully a
wildfire would never occur, but if one did, I’d done as much as
possible to ensure he’d be okay.

After he washed up, Vincent went
inside to say goodbye. I spent some time wiping off the grass
clippings that stuck to the mower, and when my brother came out of
the house I told him, “I’m going to be a couple minutes, I want to
talk to Zan.”

“Take your time,” my brother said,
pulling out his phone and typing a message.

I picked up a little black box that
I’d left on a shelf in the garage to keep it cool, and carried it
into the house with me. The door to the den was closed again, and I
hesitated before I knocked. My heartbeat increased as nervousness
crept up on me.

Come on,
Zan
, I thought to myself.
Give me something. Anything. Just the smallest
sign that lets me know I’m not the only one feeling this. Please.
Be the reason I stay.

When he opened the door, he just
stared at me. He still seemed agitated, or maybe upset about
something. I couldn’t read the turmoil in his eyes.

“I brought you something,” I said,
thrusting the little black box at him. It had a clear lid,
revealing three square, chocolate-covered confections inside. “I
decided not to go with fruit this time. These are salted caramels.
I know that sounds odd, but they’ve become popular in the last
couple years and they’re actually kind of amazing.”

“That sounds revolting.”

“I know, but trust me on this.” He
made no move to take the box from me so I gently picked up his hand
and placed it on his palm. I held on to him a few seconds longer
than I needed to. He didn’t pull away. He didn’t do anything at
all, aside from staring at me.

Finally, feeling stupid, I released
his hand and took a step back from him. My voice was quiet when I
said, “Please, Zan, give it a chance. Open yourself up to a new
experience. You might be pleasantly surprised.”

I just as easily could have been
talking about giving me a chance. It didn’t make a difference
either way, though. His expression didn’t change. He wanted no part
of any of this.

This is all
me
, I thought.
One hundred percent. He doesn’t even like me, and he sure as
hell isn’t attracted to me. You’re being pathetic and you need to
let this go.

“Please take care of yourself,” I
whispered, then turned and left. He didn’t say a word.

When I was in the SUV, I turned my
head to look out the passenger window. Tears prickled at the back
of my eyes, which was ridiculous. How could I feel like I’d lost
something when I never even had it in the first place?

About the time we reached town, the
wood chipper rattling behind us, I had made a decision. I asked my
brother, “Would you be willing to take over that job for me? You
saw all that it entails, there’s not a hell of a lot to
it.”

Vincent glanced at me. “Why do you
ask?”

“I think...” I looked out the
passenger window again and chewed on my lip. Finally I said, “I
think I’m going to be moving. I’ve been seeing Jason Jax and he
asked me to come to New York with him. But before I go, I want to
make sure Zan is in good hands. He likes you, and you’re the most
reliable person I know, so you’re the logical choice to take over.
I’d have to clear it with Christian, of course, but there’s no
reason for him to object.”

“Sure, I’d take over for you. When
would you be moving?”

“Tomorrow.”

“What?”

“I know. Jason asked me over the
weekend and I’ve been debating the pros and cons. I kind of just
made up my mind,” I told him.

“What ultimately convinced you to
go?”

“Zan, I guess. I can’t even really
explain how or why. I just know it hurts to see him day after day,
week after week, knowing nothing will ever change with him. He’s
just stuck there, unwilling to do even the tiniest thing to address
his problems or expand his world. I can’t help him, I can’t make
anything better for him, because he doesn’t want my help. So, I
don’t know. Maybe this move is an excuse to end it. Even if New
York wasn’t an option, I’d still want to leave that job because it
makes my heart ache.”

“You really care about him,” Vincent
said gently.

“I do. But what I feel for him will
always be one-sided.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah.”

We drove in silence for a while until
Vincent asked, “Is this move really what you want?”

“I guess so. I mean, why not give
Jason a chance? He seems to like me, and he’s offering me a great
opportunity for a fresh start.” Vincent didn’t say anything to
that, so I asked, “Don’t you approve?”

“My opinion isn’t what’s important
here.”

“God, you’re frustrating,” I told
him.

Vincent shot me a quick glance. “How
am I frustrating?”

“You’re always so
calm
and neutral. It’s
like having Switzerland for a brother. You never try to tell me
what to do.”

He grinned at that. “If you want
someone who’ll tell you what to do, go talk to Nana or Dante.
They’ll be more than happy to give you their opinion.”

“But you must have an opinion,
too.”

He glanced at me again. “You’re a
grown man, Gi, and it’s your life. Whatever you decide, I support
you.”

That made me grin, too. “Josh is lucky
to have you for a dad. That Zen-like calm has to be a good thing
when raising an almost-teenager.”

When we finally got back to the city,
I asked him to drop me off at Yosh’s tattoo studio, which was on
the way to the equipment rental yard. I climbed out of the SUV and
turned to my brother. “Thank you for all your help with the
landscaping. I really appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome. It was fun.” That
made me grin. Only Vincent would think that.

I slid Zan’s keys off my key ring and
handed them to my brother. “I’ll go see Christian this afternoon
and make it official. Here are these in the meantime, and I’ll
email you Zan’s shopping list.”

“Alright, and you don’t have to
worry,” he said. “I’ll make sure he has everything he
needs.”

“Thanks again, Vincent. Oh, and do me
a favor, okay? Don’t tell Nana about New York. I want to tell her
myself when I get home tonight.”

“Will do.”

“I love you, V. I’ll talk to you
soon.”

“I love you too, Johnnie.” That made
me smile. My brother had been really closed off before he met his
husband, and there would have been a time when that simple exchange
would have been way too much for him. It was nice to see him
evolve. I shut the door to the Land Rover and watched him drive
away, then headed into the studio.

*****

I returned home close to midnight. I’d
spent the afternoon and evening visiting my friends and my brothers
and telling them my plans. Christian and Shea had been out though,
so I left a message letting Christian know I needed to speak to
him. I didn’t anticipate any problems with Vincent taking over for
me, but there was still the formality of asking my
friend.

Surprisingly, my grandmother was awake
when I got home. I found her in the kitchen, dressed in a pink,
fuzzy robe over a pair of purple pajamas, baking lemon poppy seed
muffins. She wore her big, round glasses, which she always needed
but was normally too vain to use, and was referring to a stained
recipe card that was probably older than me. “Hi, Nana,” I said as
I pulled a couple muffin tins from the cabinet and found the paper
liners. “You’re up late.”

“I fell asleep too early, and when I
woke up, I couldn’t get back to sleep. Figured I’d get up and make
myself useful.”

“Thank you for all you do for this
family,” I said as I dropped a liner into each indentation in the
muffin tins. “I don’t say that enough.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” she
said, pushing back her sleeves and stirring the thick dough with a
wooden spoon.

“Sure I do. You’re always taking care
of all of us. You even find people that don’t have families and
take care of them, too. I love you, Nana, and I think you’re a
really remarkable woman.”

She grinned at that and grated a bit
more lemon zest into the dough. “Where are you going this
time?”

“How did you know I’m going
someplace?”

Her grin got wider. “Because every
time you get ready to take off, you make a point of letting me know
you love me and appreciate me.”

“I’m sorry I don’t say that more
often.”

“You don’t need to say it, Johnnie. I
already know. So, you running off with that Jason Jax fellow? I
figured something was up with him when he came by Mikey’s
house.”

“He asked me to move to New York with
him.”

“You sure you can trust this
guy?”

That surprised me. “Why wouldn’t I be
able to trust him?”

She began to fill the lined muffin tin
with a big serving spoon as she said, “I just got this impression
when I met him that maybe there’s more to Jason Jax than meets the
eye. He says and does all the right things, and he certainly went
out of his way to make nice with me and my girlfriends. But if you
hadn’t been there and if he hadn’t been trying to impress you, no
way would he have given us the time of day. In fact, he laid it on
so thick that it got me thinking. Maybe a lot of what he does is
for show, to get people to think he’s a certain way, but maybe
that’s all an act.”

“I hadn’t gotten that impression from
him.”

Nana opened the oven door, and I slid
the filled muffin tins into the warm interior. As she set a timer,
she said, “I could be wrong. Maybe I’m just getting cynical in my
old age.”

“You’re not old, Nana,” I said
automatically.

She shot me a look. “I’m eighty. What
do you call that?”

“A number. You act younger than I
do.”

“I still feel young on the inside. But
then I see myself in the mirror and think, who the hell is that old
broad?” She climbed up on one of the barstools at the kitchen
island and said, “I’m not gonna complain, though. I’m lucky and I
know it. I got my health. That’s what matters, not a few
wrinkles.”

“You’re absolutely right.”

As I got the kettle going and dropped
herbal tea bags into a pair of Nana’s fancy, floral teacups, she
said, “I know I can’t tell you what to do with Jason Jax. It’s your
life and you’re gonna make up your own mind. I’m just gonna say
this, though. If it doesn’t work out, or if he doesn’t turn out to
be the man you think he is, whether that’s in a day or a month or a
year, you turn right around and you come back home. The door will
always be open for you, Johnnie.”

“Thank you, Nana. I really appreciate
the fact that you’ve always provided that safety net for me. It’s
embarrassing to think about how many times I’ve had to rely on
it.”

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed
about. It’s just taking you a bit longer to figure out who you are
and what you want out of life. Maybe Jax will prove to be what
you’re looking for, maybe not. Either way, you know I got your
back.”