Bleak Devotion (14 page)

Finally he gingerly took hold of her hand, pulling her up to stand next to them. As soon as she was standing he released his grip, but maintained the closeness between them. Close enough to feel the heat of him.

“
Thank you for the enjoyable conversation,” he said, then added haltingly, “I probably won't see you before I leave in the morning. Know that I will be thinking of you. Be safe while I am gone.”

Her heart fluttered, aching to be closer. To be in his arms and never leave. “I'll miss you. And I promise to be safe if you will.”

“You worry needlessly. I'll be safe though.” Blade looked at her with longing. He reached up a shaky hand and brushed it against her cheek. “Good night.”

“
Good night.” As she watched him leave, she wanted to stop him from going, to keep him here as long as she could. Despite her doubts, their relationship was making progress. Slow progress, but progress none the less. The problem? Her emotions were rushing ahead far faster than either of them could handle. But she couldn't selfishly put everyone else's needs behind her own wants. As she headed toward bed, her hand held her cheek where Blade had touched it.

Chapter Nineteen

Jessica rolled onto her side and stared at the wall in front of her.

“You awake?” Julie's voice came from across the room.

“
Yeah.”

“
Me, too.”

“
Either that or you've decided to start talking in your sleep.”

Julie snickered. “Guess so.”

“Did you need something?”

“
I just wanted to know if—if you wanted to talk about Blade.”

“
Oh.” She almost declined, but the tangle of feelings wanted to be worked out. “You were right, I like him and he appears to like me back, but…”

“
But there's the obvious problem of not being able to get close to him.”

With a sigh, she sat up and tucked her legs under her. Julie was barely visible in the dawning light. Easier to talk to someone you didn't have to stare in the eye. “I don't know what to do. I've never felt like this before and I can't even tell him. Talking about our feelings is torture. I'm so worried about saying the wrong thing and making him turn into a monster. I don't know how I can even think of having a relationship with him. But the drive to try can't be ignored and sometimes it feels like we're making progress. I just don't know.”

“Could you stay away from him? Maintain a distance or only be friends with him?”

She thought about it, but the picture refused to form. “I can't. I need to be with him. Maybe just as friends, but it'd feel like a lie.”

“Can you see yourself with him then?”

Thought of Blade's arms encircled about her, his hand on her cheek, their lips drawing closer… She cut off the vision before it could pierce her soul. This feeling consuming her would never bring anything but heartache. “Yes, but it's just a dream that can never come true.”

“Not to give you false hope, but dreams sometimes do come true.”

“
Be real, Jules.”

Julie sat up, swinging her legs over her bed. “I am. Look how far he's already come. I didn't think any of them would be capable of not changing the moment they sensed emotion, but he is. I still remember screaming and screaming while he drove and he just ignored me. Give him some credit.”

“Maybe. But whatever he is feeling is so much stronger than that. He runs off whenever I start to feel close to him. Or he shakes so hard that I'm afraid to continue and change the subject. That makes a real great relationship.”

“
Fiddle.” Julie waved her hand in the air. “He needs time. He didn't get to be this good overnight. He'll come around.” She paused, then hesitantly added, “Unless you had other plans that involved Zach.”

Jessica grimaced. “You noticed.”

Julie's laughter permeated the air. “Everyone's noticed. His regard toward you would be hard to miss. I don't know your feelings toward him, though. You've been a lot harder to gauge.”

“
I don't know, either.” She sighed and for a moment, a tiny moment, she almost wished she could go back to a world where all emotions must be hidden. “I like Zach. He's a nice guy. But I don't like him as much as Blade. It's more like friendship. I think. Egh. These emotions are so confusing. I've been doing better letting my feelings out since I got here, but I can't handle this. It's like a blender got hold of my insides.”

“
You can do this.” Julie put a hand on her arm and softened her voice. “Just try not to hurt Blade or Zach. The longer you encourage both of them, the more problems there are going to be.”

Jessica nodded, but secretly wondered what it would do to Blade. She couldn't predict his feelings at all. Would it be harder for him or easier for him if she didn't return his feelings? She wanted whatever would be best for him, but couldn't see herself with Zach. She liked him, sure, but it didn't feel like anything more than friendship. She would talk to him later to try and let him down nice and easy. That, at least, she knew she needed to do.

“Thanks for talking with me.”

“
Anytime.” Julie grinned. “Besides, I miss gossiping with the girls.”

Jessica laughed and reached for fresh clothes. Despite the lightness of the moment, she missed it too. A deep, aching sort of pain that never felt like it would fully heal.

...

Jessica tousled her wet hair and opened the bathroom door, letting the steam escape out into the hall. Though she didn't really feel hungry, she headed toward the kitchen. When she reached the stairs, she paused. Blade wasn't up there. A deep longing filled her anyway, making her wish he was. That they could be together. She found herself climbing the staircase and pausing in front of the library door.

Blade had given everyone permission to use the library as much as they wanted in his absence, so it wasn't fear of trespassing that stopped her. She looked farther down the hall, guilt tugging at her for wanting to explore his world. Just not enough to make the desire to go away. Seeing there was no one in the library and no one coming up the stairs, she took a few unsure steps forward. Suddenly, she sprinted toward to the first room.

The door hung open to reveal a bathroom. It was clean, with the towels hanging up straight and nothing littering the floor, unlike when Jessica had her own bathroom. Disappointed by the lack of information she gleaned from the room, she moved a few more steps to the next room.

It was a little smaller than the library, but more crowded. A radio, a Polaroid camera, and some walkie-talkies cluttered the table. A hodgepodge of other items filled the shelves in what looked to be an orderly fashion, but she didn't know what type of order.

When none of the items clamored for her attention, she made a note of the room in case she got a chance to explore farther later and continued on. At the end of the hall were two closed doors. She randomly picked one and opened it. Her jaw dangled. The room had to be his bedroom, but it was void of anything except a quilt and pillow in the middle of the floor. Not even a mattress. The open closet revealed a few hangers dangling alone.

Then it hit her. His scent. She inhaled deeply, enjoying musky sandalwood and the flood of memories that came with it. The memory of his face drifted to her, and she relished his shaky smile. She lingered in its warmth. Picturing herself close to him, she leaned against the door frame. Her imaginings left her close enough to run her fingers through his dark hair. Close enough to feel the pressure of his arms circling around her. Close enough that their lips could almost brush.

Faint voices drifted to her. Bolting from the room, she closed the door and hurried down the hall. Zach was at the bottom of the stairs talking to someone she couldn't see. Slipping into the room before he could see her, she sat down in Blade's usual chair. Picking up the book on the table next to her, she opened it to a random page and pretended to read. Her pounding heart slowed until it resumed a normal speed by the time Zach walked in.

“Jessica! Snuck up here already, huh?”

She bristled at the word snuck, wondering if he guessed what she had done. “Thought I'd get some reading in before I had to go work on the hideout.”

“Precisely, what I was thinking. Whatcha reading?”

Jessica held back a relieved sigh. It didn't seem like he suspected anything. She held up the book and his eyebrows furrowed. “Hmm. Didn't know you were interested in world records.”

Heat rose to her cheeks. “Just trying something new.”

Zach pulled a rocking chair from the corner of the room forward until it brushed against her chair. He startled her by reaching forward and taking hold of one of her hands. She looked down, feeling his warmth against her skin.

“I'm glad you're here. We don't often get a moment alone and, well, I was kind of hoping we could talk.” He coughed. “About us.”

She pulled her hand away. “Yeah, I think we should, too. But—”

“I know. You really haven't been here very long, and I'm sure your feelings are just returning to normal, but I feel like there's something between us.” He reached for her hand again and she pulled it back farther.

“
That's a nice thought, but—”

“
I can give you time, if that's what you need. But in the meantime, could we spend more time together? You're always spending time with Julie or Erin. And Blade, too, now that I think about it. Anyway, not the point. The point is, I was hoping that you'd spend some time with me, so we could get to know each other better.”

“
Zach, really, I do like spending time with you, but—”

“
Really? I mean, I thought you did, just sometimes you seem a little distant. But I know that you're still getting used to the social interactions and everything. We could hang out tonight, if you wanted.”

“
Can I please say something?”

He popped his knuckles with a nervous laugh. “Go ahead.”

Jessica relaxed a little, but found she couldn't look him in the eye. A horrid feeling pressed on her, threatening to close her throat. Emotions sucked. “I think you are a really great friend. I appreciate all the time you've spent befriending me, but… I don't like you in that way.”

“
That's all right. I know if we spend some time together you will. I mean, we've gotta be the last humans around, right? So the only guys left are me and Ben. No one could possibly want to spend more time with that grumpy old man. So, your feelings for me can grow. There's time.”

“
I'm sorry. It's just not going to happen.”

He smiled at her. “I know you may not think so now, but when your feelings return to normal, it will.”

“I like Blade.”

“
I know, we all do. The guy is too nice. And that's a good thing; your feelings must have started to return if you can like him. He's probably the hardest around here to like, even harder to like then Ben.”

“
That's not what I meant.”

He looked up at her with curiosity. “What else could you mean?”

She inwardly cringed. “I like him and he likes me back. We might not be able to make a relationship work, but we can't pretend not to care for one another.”

His face darkened. “Care for one another?”

She nodded, looking at the floor.

Zach jolted up, the rocking chair swinging in his wake. “Blade?”

“I'm sorry.”

“
Don't.” His face went flat, revealing nothing, and she suddenly felt like crying. “You can't really be choosing that monster over me, or even Ben for that matter. There's no way you would pick one of
them
.”

She stood, anger heating her through. “Weren't you one of the people telling me that he's just like us? And only a minute ago you were talking about how likable he is.”

“Of course he acts like one of us and he is likable, but that doesn't make him worthy of you. If you love him, he'll kill you.”

Her face stung as if he had slapped her. “It’s too late. I can't change my heart.”

He stepped back, his eyes wide. “You have to change it. Didn't you hear me? You'll die!”

“
He won't hurt me.”

“
Not yet, but he will,” Zach whispered. He stormed to the doorway and then paused. “If you ever do change your mind, I'll be here. I hope you change it before your emotions lead him to your death.”

Jessica stared at the empty space Zach left behind, wondering if he was right.

Chapter Twenty

Staring into the darkness of the hideout, Jessica saw nothing. Light poured in from the basement, but didn't help her. What she looked for couldn't be seen.

A shuffle of footsteps echoed through the room and then the light flipped on. Jessica squinted against its bright light.

“Jessica,” Deborah's voice filled the silence, “what are you doing down here in the dark?”

She shook her head. “Just needed some space I guess.”

“Does this have anything to do with Zach?”

Jessica grimaced, remembering the exchange that had taken place a week ago. At first Zach had ignored her, except to give her the occasional glare, but two days ago he sent her a letter apologizing for his behavior. Since then he talked to her as if nothing had happened. Sometimes though, she still caught him looking at her with a scowl. A scowl tainted with longing. “Yeah, I guess it does. I assume he told you about it.”

“He did the day after you spoke. Said he was worried about your safety and if something happened to you it would be all his fault for not saying anything.”

“
Does that mean you changed your mind about me and Blade? Are you here to discourage me, too?”

Deborah smiled and rubbed her arm with her small hand. “No, dear. I told him you knew the consequences and had the freedom to choose what you wanted.”

After everything that had happened, freedom seemed like the last thing she had. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“
I also told him that your death was most unlikely, especially from Blade, and he'd better stop being so miserable or I'd make him have nothing but stable chores until he learned to act better than it smells out there.”

“
Would have served him right.” A grin teased Jessica's lips. “Thanks.”

“
Oh, I didn't just do it for you. He was driving me mad. We really don't need another Ben around here.”

“
That's the truth.” Jessica pulled at the bottom of her shirt. “The hideout looks good.”

“
We finished it faster than I expected. We'll be ready for Blade when he returns with the supplies, which should be any day now.”

“
Thank goodness,” Erin's quiet voice came from the doorway.

Deborah put an arm around the younger girl when she came forward. “What can I do for you?”

“I was looking for Jessica, actually. I was wondering if she,” Erin shifted her focus to Jessica, “if you would like to join me in the library.”

“
Sure, I'd be happy to. You don't have to wait for me, though. Blade is fine with you going there by yourself.”

“
I know he is. The thing is, it doesn't feel the same without him. The library is desolate without him, but it's at least manageable when someone else is there.”

“
I understand that.” Jessica ignored the tightening in her own chest. “Let me grab something to eat and we can head up together.”

Erin and Jessica left Deborah behind to take some measurements. In the kitchen they found Vivian and Zach finishing up lunch. Zach gave Jessica a huge smile that squeezed her guilt uncomfortably and made her think it might have been easier if he had stayed mad at her.

“Hi, Erin. Jessica,” Vivian rasped.

“
Hey,” Jessica mumbled. Zach looked like he was about to speak, so she focused her full attention on Vivian. “How are you?”

“
Good as expected without a smoke. Been months since I had one and I still crave 'em.”

“
It's good for you to not have access,” Erin interjected. “It wouldn't be so hard if you had given them up when I first asked.”

Jessica shook her head at Erin, but before she could speak Vivian wiggled a finger at her. “Don't you let my girl's talk bother ya. She's been trying to get me to give 'em up since she could talk. She'd toddle over to my yard and say 'smokin bad'.”

Jessica laughed, ignoring Zach's continued gaze on her. “Why am I not surprised?”

With her head bowed, Erin replied, “Well, it is.”'

“Don't worry, Erin, I agree with you.”

“
Hmpf.” Vivian slouched in her seat.

Jessica meandered to the counter as Erin comforted the older woman and searched for something that wouldn't leave crumbs all over the library. It didn't take long to find something and edge to the doorway, hoping Erin would follow after her, but the girl didn't notice as she chatted away. Unfortunately, Zach did.

“Hey, Jessica.” He paused, but she just scuffed her foot on the wood floor. “Did you get my letter?”

She nodded, unsure what to do with the mass of emotions swarming inside.

“Oh. Since you hadn't said anything, I thought maybe it got lost or something.” When she still didn't reply he plodded on. “I just wanted to say I'm sorry for overreacting. I guess I just thought you felt the same way as me and the other thing you mentioned took me by surprise. I'm ready for it now. Still, though, if you ever change your mind, I'm totally here.”

Jessica forced herself not to cringe. At least it was something. Something a lot better than their last conversation. “Thanks, Zach.” Erin walked over to them and she silently thanked the girl. “You ready?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“
Great.” Jessica turned toward the hallway and said over her shoulder, “Catch you later, Zach.”

Not waiting for a response, she raced away from him, up the stairs and to the library, drawing a sigh of relief at the familiar jumble of chairs and books. She automatically went to Blade's chair, thumbing his book. Erin settled in a chair in the corner of the room with her own novel.

“What are you reading?” Jessica asked.

“
A book about a sea witch.” Erin paused, then looked up from her reading. “Do you ever wish you could live in the books you read instead of real life?”

“
All the time,” Jessica replied somberly.

“
Me, too. I mean, life in a book isn't perfect. This girl is turned into an underwater creature while in love with a man she'll now never be able to marry. Not exactly picturesque, yet I'd give anything to be her. She may not have a perfect world, but at least it’s one where she can be herself. Where people care about her and death isn't rampant. And there is a happy ending. I don't know if there will be in the real world.”

“
None of us know if our story has a happy ending. Bad things are going to happen. Heaven knows, they already have happened. But I don't think we should let that stop us. Even if our ending isn't going to be a happy one, I think we should try.”

“
Like how you and Blade are trying.”

Jessica blinked several times and looked down at her book.

“Sorry, I shouldn't pry,” Erin whispered.

“
No. You're fine. I just— I guess I didn't realize you knew about that.”

A soft, tinkling laugh emanated from the girl. “I've noticed.”

“I thought you'd only notice Zach.”

“
I do. He's been doting on you since the first. But it's different with Blade. The way you look at each other makes it look like you were always meant to be together. Even before you realized he was a good guy, sometimes you would still get that look.”

“
Really?”

“
Yes. And Blade, well, he started acting so strange after you got here. Before he left I finally asked him what he thought of you. He wouldn't give a direct answer, but I could tell you meant something by the way he neutralized so fast. It got me thinking about the way you'd been acting around each other and I figured it out. Sorry.”

Jessica shook her head. “Don't be sorry. You're right, we are trying. At least I think we might.”

“You should.”

She gave the girl a feeble smile.

“No, I mean it.” Erin's face grew taut with determination. “You're right. About not knowing if there's going to be a happy ending, but thinking about you two trying gives me hope. It may not be the fairy tale in my book, but it is the happiest news I've ever heard. I hope it has a happy ending.”

“
Me, too.”
But if it doesn't
, Jessica silently added,
what will that do to you?

Erin smiled at her, then buried herself in a book. Instead of reading, Jessica stared out the picture window and basked in the smell of books. Snow still covered the valley, but was melting. It was a big reason the aliens had been able to get through to them and why Blade had been able to get out.

Spring hovered in the air, but winter still had a bite. There would be more snow storms but, still, she welcomed the changing of the seasons. Except for the memory of last spring. The chill plummeting through her had nothing to do with the temperature. She had to get away from these memories. Erin's head drooped and her breathing deepened.

“
Erin,” Jessica whispered. “Are you awake?”

The younger girl held still except for the steady rising and falling of her chest. Laying the book on the table next to her, Jessica eased up and tiptoed out of the room. There was a very good way to distract herself from morbid thoughts.

Glancing down the stairway to make sure no one was there, she then headed straight for Blade's room. Ignoring the room she had yet to explore, she opened the door to his room and took a deep breath. His woody smell filled her, relaxing her muscles yet leaving her slightly troubled. Slipping inside, she closed the door behind her and sat beside it.

She continued inhaling his scent, an ache for him constricting her heart. Tears rose unbidden to her eyes and flowed onto her cheeks. She missed him more than expected. But when he got back they'd return to a relationship teetering toward feeling and death. It would never do anything but torture and possibly hurt others if she made him lose control. Others like Erin.

What was she doing? She buried her head in her hands. Zach was right. She shouldn't tempt Blade into losing control. She wanted it to have a happy ending, but the more she thought about it, the more unlikely it seemed. There would be no happy ending for them. It simply wasn't possible.

If there couldn't be a happy ending, she must make sure it wasn't disastrous. Erin thought there was a look in her eye, so she just wouldn't look at him. She'd keep distance between them. Ignore the devotion to him growing within her. Pretend there was nothing.

Returning to nothing. It's how life would always be now. Tears cascaded from her.