Bleak Devotion (13 page)

Chapter Eighteen

Jessica curled up on the couch and dropped a blanket over her legs. Her arms and legs ached from the day's work. Sinking into the couch was easy enough. Shutting off her mind, not so much. It kept moving and chugging along, refusing to keep quiet. When she was working, she had been able to focus her thoughts on hauling dirt from one point to the next. If they started to stray, she'd say a few things to Julie, who would then chatter for a while, filling her mind with other things.

Jessica watched the flames dance, flickering and changing as they burned through the logs in the fireplace. It was a lot like her life now. Constantly shifting. Trying to adapt to different circumstances, sometimes glowing bright, sometimes dying down. It'd be easier if she would have fallen for a human instead of someone that had to work at not turning into a monster around her. Zach could have been that human. Zach could be that human.

She thought about him. It was obvious he liked her, though why wasn't clear. He was kind, gave her comfort that Blade couldn't. Smiles that didn't waver. Laughter that hadn't been around in too long. They could have conversations without one of them running off for fear of turning into a monster. Suddenly the couch seemed lumpy and hard. Zach could give her a lot of things Blade couldn't. She did like him…

Footsteps came toward the living room and she groaned. She had been hoping for some nice, quiet time alone. She needed to sort through her feelings. Finding peace in this place was hard. Everyone was always climbing atop of one another. With a sigh she decided that in the future she would have to find a better place to think. If such a place in this cabin could be found.

“
Jessica,” Blade's deep voice whispered close behind her.

Her heart raced. Any annoyance she had fled. Warmth scurried through her, making it hard not to lean her head back toward him. She said nothing, instead enjoying his warm breath against her cheek. Fevered emotion flooded through her, but she carefully kept her face relaxed. His skin was so close, they were almost touching. Though she couldn't see him, she concentrated on his presence, filtering everything else out.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw his hand reach toward her, trembling. She didn't move, not even to breathe. The closer he came the harder it was not to lean into him. She ached to move closer, to feel his touch. There'd been so little contact with anyone since the invasion, even less since she lost Cindy. But it wasn't just any contact she craved. It was his and he was so, so close.

When his fingers finally brushed against her cheek it was like being lit from the inside. Her face quivered where they touched but the fire grew, burning with desire to never be apart. Dreams never lasted long enough though. His touch fled so quickly, she almost believed it was just that. A dream, nothing real. Except warmth continued to caress her cheek where he had touched her. While he stayed silent behind her, she savored the memory of his touch. The fleeting feel of his skin on hers.

Blade shifted from behind her and moved over to the far end of the couch. The firelight danced across the side of his face. If she couldn't touch, at least she could enjoy the view.

“
Tired?” he asked.

Of not knowing how to handle emotions anymore,
she thought. “Body, yes. Deborah worked us pretty hard today. Mind, no. My thoughts keep jumping around like a crazy banshee.”

“
What are you thinking about?”

“
I'm not sure you want to know.”

“
I do.”

“
Maybe I shouldn't tell you. I'd hate for you to have to run off because of me.”

Blade stared into her eyes, making her pulse dance. “I want to hear if you want to tell me.”

Jessica took a deep breath and went with the less dangerous thought. She'd almost forgotten about Zach anyway. Almost. “I was worrying about you leaving tomorrow, wondering if you'll be safe while gone.”

His tremors started vibrating the couch lightly. “Humans are such strange creatures.”

Her eyebrows rose. “Excuse me?”

“
I don't mean to offend you, I just wonder why you're more concerned for me than you. I mean, we care for our families and community. That's the same as what I've seen your kind do. But I don't get this. I won't be in any danger. You'll be in more danger than me.”

“
I doubt we'll be in danger while you are gone, and I just can't help but worry about you,” she said, voice sounding much too small. “What if they find you out? What if they won't let you come back because of it? What if they hurt you?”

He watched, carefully assessing her. “I'll be fine, Jess. They won't uncover that I'm helping you. They aren't going to hurt me. And nothing will stop me from coming back to you.”

His words sent the warmth swaying within her again, but a nervous twinge still plagued her. “How can you be sure?”

“
It's not possible for me to stay away from you.” His shaking grew. “I will do anything in my power to come back to you.”

Tears built up in her eyes. She tilted her head to the side so he wouldn't be able to see them. So he wouldn't have to fight against seeing more emotion. If only she was steadfast enough, like before, so as not to show it. “You really feel that strongly?” The couch beneath her shook violently. That was all the answer she needed. “What type of supplies will you be looking for?”

Blade sighed and was silent a moment while the tremors slowed. “Security equipment mostly, plus a few items for the hideout renovation.”

“
Can you find what's needed?”

“
I should at the least bring back something that will work, even if it's not an exact match.” His hand thumbed the back of his arm. “I've been wondering, what are human families like? You all talk about them, but I've never seen one.”

She blinked a few times, surprised by the question. “Um… well, we're all different. We vary from place to place and family to family. Some have two parents, others have only one. Some have no children, others have a lot. I met a lady once who had thirteen children. I can't imagine what that'd be like.”

“Thirteen? That's definitely different.”

“
For me too.” Her family only had two children. It still hurt to think of her only sibling. James, his tiny arms wrapping around her.

“
This happens to our families,” he said, breaking her from the memories. “War is what changes our families. What changes yours?”

“
Loads of things. Some people can't have kids, so they may adopt. Or if the parents don't get along, they may divorce and the children will live with one or another.”

His smooth forehead wrinkled slightly. “What do you mean di— divorced?”

“Haven't you heard that word before?”

He shook his head.

“You speak so well I forget sometimes that you don't natively speak English.”

He shrugged. “Erin was a really good teacher. Plus, she said I learn really quickly. I don't think it's much different from others of my kind though.”

Others of his kind. Their differences would always be between them, even if nothing more ever came of them than friendship. She cleared her throat. “Divorced means that the husband and wife end their marriage legally.”

His eyes widened. “They're no longer married?”

“That's right. Doesn't that happen on your planet?”

“
Never. Our families are close. We wouldn't tear them apart on purpose. Many are lost to the war or disease. Never by choice.”

She frowned. “What if they don't get along? Or what if the husband is cruel to his wife or children? Couldn't she leave him?”

“Husbands aren't cruel to their wives. They can't be. If they were, the wife wouldn't live long. I've never seen a husband and wife not get along. Though I haven't spent much time around any.”

“
Why not?”

“
Father's don't spend a lot of time with their families.”

“
What? Why wouldn't he be with the family?” Jessica thought of her own father. He had always spent time with her and James. Time she cherished.

“
It isn't safe. Families are important. We hold them dear. Because of this, the man gives them a lot of space so as to not hurt them. When we do have family time, it's spent just as a family with no one else in society, to minimize interactions and decrease the chance that an emotion will come out while the father is with them.”

“
Oh.” She tried to imagine a life like that. Like one where Cindy couldn't be around her father after her own had died. “That's so sad. Why even bother getting married then?”

“
The continuation of our race. Females are held dear, and children even more so. We males are designed to protect. When we find a mate, that is what we do. Just from a distance. The uniting of male and female as well as births are highly celebrated events.”

“
I guess that makes sense. How do you celebrate? If the men can't handle any emotion, what do they do?”

“
The men are there only for the beginning of the celebration. It remains very solemn when we are there. After we leave, they say it is a great occasion. I remember a few times as a child I was able to stay, before emotion threatened the security of those around me.” Blade stared at the wall with a faraway look in his eye. “Everyone was so happy. Laughing even. I had forgotten that sound until I came here and learned to temper myself a little. It has been worth learning. I love the sound of laughter.”

She blushed as he looked at her, his shaky smile heating her far more than the fire. She cleared her throat. “It's so strange to hear about your race this way. It makes them seem so human. Well, not like us just because you have to do things differently, more like you are part of a different culture on Earth that I never heard of before. Too bad Ben can't see it that way.”

“True, but if I had to choose I'd rather have my kind see how similar we are.”

“
I'll agree to that. Speaking of Ben, do you know his story? Why he's always so grouchy?”

“
Yes, I know his story, but I don't really know why he's less than pleasant.” He ran his fingers across his forehead. “His story really isn't different than the rest of yours.”

Her eyebrow rose.

“Don't look at me like that. It's true. He just has a different personality then the rest of you humans. It sounds as if he was a bitter man before any of this took place. After it happened I think he was more content. Everyone around him was angry at us creatures, giving him something to relate to, I think. By the time I picked up him and Zach, the rest of their group was gone and it wasn't too long until Zach decided I was alright. But Ben is still bitter and again alone in his bitterness.”

“
And he told you that willingly?”

He looked away from her. “Uh, no. I learned some from being there and talking to Zach, but the rest I overheard when Deborah was talking to him.”

“I see.”

“
I know you humans consider it rude, but my kind doesn't have secrets, except for me now. Anyway, I listened not to invade his privacy, but to ensure he wouldn't be a threat to my new family.”

“
You don't have to explain yourself to me. I would have listened in too and I'm human. Why do you think it's made him more bitter than the rest of us?”

“
I don't know for sure. Human nature is odd. Venturing a guess, I'd say it's about choices. You have chosen to work past your hardship as cheerfully as you can. He's chosen to let it fester inside him.”

“
Cheerfully? I can assure, my attitude isn't exactly cheerful.”

Blade pursed his lips. “Maybe not all the time, but I can tell you are trying.”

She made a noncommittal noise. “So, him and Zach were together when you found them? I didn't know that.”

“
Yeah, they were neighbors.”

“
Poor Zach.”

His face tightened. “Oh yes, poor Zach.” Suddenly, his expression softened and he leaned in closer. She forced herself to keep calm as he whispered, “It's getting late.”

“I guess so. You should get some sleep before you have to go in the morning.”

“
Yeah,” he said, but he didn't move.

She stared into his eyes and felt her carefully placed mask slipping. The heat coursed through her like a fire, wild and untamed. Her breath came in gasps as she closed the distance between them.

He jumped up. Chiding herself for letting her control slip, she scooted back and remasked her emotions. She couldn't keep forcing herself to maintain distance between them. It wasn't possible to feel so much and not react.

Just as she was trying to convince herself a relationship between them was impossible, his hand reached toward her. It quivered but continued moving toward her, growing closer inch by inch. When they were just barely not touching, he stopped. Every muscle in her body clenched as she struggled not to move. Not to ruin the moment by giving away the thrill coursing through her.