Blind Ice (Razors Ice Book 5) (15 page)

When she stretched and was met with soreness in her muscles and between her legs, she remembered it wasn’t a dream.

But she had dreamt of Gabe last night. And she’d seen his face, clear as can be, as he moved over her body, loving her. He had filled her so completely and her heart burst with contented happiness as she thought back to the incredible night they shared together. He was amazing. He was everything she could ever dream a man could be. And he was leaving town tonight.

She reached out and felt the space next to her and it was empty.

“I’m here,” he said from somewhere across the room.

Had Gabe enjoyed their time together as much as she had? The slow, deep kiss he gave her told her all she needed to know.

She pulled back and smiled. “I thought you might’ve had regrets and took off.”

“Never.” His voice was over her now. The mattress dipped as he climbed on the bed and straddled her. His minty breath caressed her face.

“Hey!” she pushed at his chest but he didn’t budge. “That’s no fair! You brushed your teeth!”

His lips tilted into a smirk as he kissed her. His minty tongue darted out to tangle with hers. She settled back into the bed and enjoyed the onslaught.

Lazily, she stroked his hair, enjoying the feel of its silkiness gliding through her fingers. She had already memorized the length and texture of it, along with every other part of his body. The dip at his collarbones, the width of his shoulders, broad and strong. The way his torso, sprinkled sparsely with coarse hair, tapered down to narrow hips.

The sounds he made during lovemaking were so entirely different from anything she’d heard him utter over the phone. And how his breath on her skin when he made those sounds had made her whole body shudder. She tucked the memory of them away where she could recall them when she was alone again.

“You have a scar here?” she asked, tracing a line of puckered skin on his elbow.

“Yes,” he murmured happily. Whoever was convinced that the life of a blind person was sightless was severely mistaken.

“What from?”

“Ice skating accident. My father was hell-bent on making an athlete out of me, but I never had the coordination for hockey. Or any other sport for that matter.”

“And that disappoints you,” she observed from the nostalgic tone of his voice.

“Not me, him.”

“Parents have a way of overlooking what’s right in front of them.” She knew from experience. Her own parents had all but disowned her when her vision disappeared. She had been a disappointment to them whether she had brought blindness upon herself or not.

Gabe held Julia close and wondered how all of the desirable traits of a woman could be wrapped up into one perfect package. He had no problem seeing what was right in front of him. And how much it was going to hurt when he had to walk away from it.

* * *

Gabe checked out of the hotel and they went back to Julia’s apartment. They both knew today was the day he would be returning to Chicago. There was no need to speak of it.

He’d already pushed back his departure as late as possible and his plane didn’t leave until late that night.

Lack of sleep from the night before had them snuggling in her tiny bed again, content to stay there as long as possible. According to Julia, a nap was one of the best ways to spend an afternoon, and she was more than happy for Gabe to join her. As nice as the hotel had been, she preferred the comfort of her own bed. She stretched out next to him and it didn’t take long for sleep to claim both of them.

A short time later, Gabe opened his eyes to find himself alone in Julia’s bed. He smelled coffee and could hear the low sounds of the TV coming from the living room.

He showered, dressed and hauled his duffel bag into the living room and dumped it by the front door. Today was the day he’d leave everything he loved behind.

No matter how much he hated leaving Julia and being away from her, he had to see this software through to completion. He had a job to finish and he would dive back into his work and submerse himself until it was complete. When VINCE was live, he could focus on sorting out his personal life. Until then, he’d plaster a smile on his face for Killingsworth and keep his nose to the grindstone. After all, Intelliteck was funding his project.

Somehow he didn’t think of it as going back home because he didn’t
have
much of a home there. Chicago was just the city where he worked and not much else. Home wasn’t an empty apartment with no furniture and no love. Home was Julia’s little apartment surrounded by her pets and her textured fabrics and her forest of house plants. Home was falling asleep in her arms at night and waking up next to her in the morning. Home was knowing that the woman you loved was always by your side.

Whether it felt like home or not, he knew he had to return to Chicago. And no matter how tightly he held onto her while he was here, he would still have to let go and board a plane bound for his future.

Even after the incredible night they had shared, Gabe hadn’t told her he loved her. For one thing, it was a given. And secondly, what good would it do either of them to confess he’d fallen for her if he had to turn around and leave her in a few hours?

When Gabe went into the living room, he found Julia listening to the weather forecast.

“You’ll have clear skies for the flight home,” she said when she heard his feet shuffle into the room.

Home
. There was that ominous word again.

Gabe frowned. She sounded pleased. Did she really think he looked forward to going back or was she just putting on a brave face for his sake?

“There are breakfast burritos in the freezer if you’d rather not get something on the way.”

Why did he have the distinct feeling that she was already nudging him toward the door?

“Hey,” he said, moving in for a kiss. But she turned away from the sound of his voice and fiddled with the remote control in her hand.

“Julia,” he said and sat down next to her on the couch.

He took her hand in his, but she pulled away and stood up. Her face looked hard, like she was trying to mask her emotions, and her jaw was jerking as if her teeth were grinding together. She was upset and her expression betrayed her feelings.

“Julia, I had the most am—”

“I don’t think we should talk to each other over the phone anymore when you go back to Chicago.”

Gabe felt the blow of her words as if they’d been a punch in the gut. “Wh…what the hell are you talking about?” Here he’d had the best week of his life and she was trying to break up with him.

Oh, wait.

He got it. Somehow he understood what she was doing. She was trying to protect herself from him. But the thought of going back to Chicago and not having their phone calls to look forward to was unthinkable.

His shoulders slumped. “Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

He mumbled something under his breath. There was no way he was going to let this happen between them.

“Just because I’m blind doesn’t mean I’m also deaf,” she said angrily.

She got up, marched stubbornly away and tripped over his duffel bag in the hall. Her arms flailed and she fell to the ground in a heap. Shamus yelped and rushed to her side.

Gabe sprinted over and gathered her up in his arms. “I’m so sorry.”

She felt around on the floor to find the culprit and her hands glided over the duffel bag. “Oh.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think it’d be in the way over here.”

“It wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t been trying to escape through the front door like a coward.” She rested her head on his shoulder and found comfort in the feel of his warm body pressing against hers. “I planned on shooing you out the door and forgetting that any of this ever happened.”

“That wouldn’t make it any easier.”

“No,” she agreed softly. “But I didn’t know what else to do.”

Was it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? What could be so great about finding the perfect man and sharing an incredible night with him only to have him slip through her fingers the next day?

“How about this?” He caressed her face and she leaned into him. “How ‘bout you give me one last kiss to remember and we keep taking on the phone? I don’t think I’ll be able to survive without hearing your voice every day.”

She sniffed at the tears that threatened to fall. “But it will hurt too much.”

“No. And I don’t regret coming here. This week has been something I’ll cherish forever.”

“I don’t want it to end.”

“I know, sweetheart. But you can’t break up with me, Julia.”

“Why not?” she asked with a huff. “Wouldn’t it make things that much easier?”

“Because I love you.”

Those four words blasted past her defenses and bloomed inside her heart. “What?” Her own parents had shunned her—and Kate, too, by association. What reason did this man, this brilliant man, have for loving her? For demanding that she do the same in return?

“If telling you makes my leaving that much harder then I’m sorry. But I’m not sorry for meaning it.”

She sighed and finally let the words out that she’d been guarding so closely for so long. “I love you, too. I guess I have for a while now, but I just didn’t want to believe it.”

She let her hands roam over his body one last time, knowing that in a day’s time she’d be missing him like crazy.

“We’ll figure out a way to make this work.” He didn’t know how—short of Julia moving to Chicago to be with him—but they’d figure out a way. They had to. Fate didn’t just hand the love of your life over to you and then snatch it all away again. That wasn’t how things were supposed to work. Was it? Gabe sure hoped not. His and Julia’s love would just have to be stronger than the opposing forces around them.

Julia clung to him and breathed in his scent, letting it brand her so that she could remember it long after he was gone. How was she supposed to fall asleep in her little bed now that he was gone? How was she supposed to be alone again after he’d broken through all of her defenses and claimed her heart?

It would have been easier to hate him. To kick him to the curb like she’d originally planned and never speak to him again.

But love wasn’t meant to be easy, was it?

* * *

After prolonging his departure for as long as possible, it was time for Gabe to go. When he’d planned this vacation, he hadn’t imagined it all the way through to the part where he had to say goodbye and go back home.

“I have to finish VINCE and set him free to the world,” he told Julia, as much as a reminder for himself as it was for her benefit.

“Yes.” It was a whisper, but he heard the word all the same.

Gabe led Julia to her room and sat her down on the bed. Cassidy was already curled up in the corner. Gabe patted the spot next to Julia and Shamus leapt up, happy to comply.

Gabe stood back, his hands resting on her slender shoulders. “Let me look at you.”

She smiled bravely, not wanting his last vision of her to be wearing a frown and crying.

Over the past week, he’d learned a lot about this woman and her extraordinary pets. He’d discovered how she memorized routes and relied on the kindness of strangers. How Shamus responded to verbal commands and gave her a freedom she wouldn’t otherwise have. The dog was not only her best friend, but they shared a partnership of trust.

Gabe had also noticed Cassidy’s tendency to butt her head against Julia’s hand. The cat knew that if she wanted affection she would have to ask for it. She couldn’t always depend on Julia coming to her.

“I’m taking a mental picture of you, here with your animals.” Gabe ran a hand over Shamus’s big head and silky ears. “Watch over her,” he whispered to the dog.

When it was the cat’s turn for affection, Cassidy turned up her pink nose and pretended she didn’t like the man’s big hand stroking her.

“This is how I want to remember you,” he told Julia. “Curled up here with Shamus and Cassidy.”

Their last kiss was salty even though Julia swore she’d been holding back the tears. And then he was gone.

One minute he was hugging her and then he wasn’t.

Suddenly it was all over. The week, the warmth, the love between them.

The front door closed behind him and he was gone.

Julia gasped and buried her face in Shamus’s fur and cried.

Chapter Seventeen

Distance Makes

Gabe’s return to Chicago was bittersweet. He’d finally met Julia and she was amazing in every way. Not only was she more beautiful than he’d imagined, she was incredibly talented as well. Their time together was wonderful, but now he found himself back home in his barren apartment. The place was even more depressing when he knew what he had waiting for him in California.

In stark contrast to his apartment, Julia’s place had colorful pieces of art handing on the walls. What made them unique was the fact that they weren’t one-dimensional, but wonderfully textured and soft to the touch. She had explained to him that they were from a local artist who was inspired by her story. Always one to go against the grain, Julia liked to dispel the stigma of the blind not needing décor. Each piece meant something special to her and had been hand-picked according to what emotions they evoked when she ran her fingers over their texture.

Gabe missed her already. Talking on the phone had been enough in the past, but after spending a week with her in his arms it wasn’t nearly enough. How was he supposed to go back to sleeping alone? How was he supposed to find fulfillment in a life that was lacking so many key elements?

Everything was empty and meaningless without her.

All the problems he’d had with his life before were intensified now that he’d seen how things could be with the woman of his dreams. With Julia, he felt like all the pieces of the puzzle fit. The entire week he was in Red Valley he hadn’t felt that strange nagging feeling that had become a familiar part of his everyday life. The one asking him “is this it?” Quite the contrary. He’d felt warmth and happiness and…love.

There was no doubt in his mind that he loved Julia Kapowski. What wasn’t there to love? It seemed to him that she’d kicked her blindness swiftly in the ass and didn’t let it hold her back one iota. That was one of the things he loved most about her. Her grit. If he had half the courage she had, he would be twice the man he was.

It wasn’t just physical attraction either. They’d talked and talked late into the night and he loved how her mind worked. And he’d been worried they’d have nothing left to talk about!

Gabe didn’t have much—let’s face it,
any—
experience in the love department and had spent much of his life buried in computer code. But the feelings she conjured up inside him left him realizing that there was more to life than code and plug-ins and syntax. There was warmth and friendship and family.

And love.

He’d deciphered the feeling blooming within his heart and he knew now to call it what it was. Love for Julia.

Gabe had also discovered he liked being a part of her little family. Kate was incredibly overprotective of her and although he hadn’t met Logan, he knew the guy was smart enough to look out for Kate without stifling her independence. They all had a cozy dynamic and it was comforting to know that there were little pockets of people who cared for each other scattered throughout the world.

The feel of Julia’s caress haunted Gabe during the flight and he relived their last night together over and over in his dreams. The way she had touched every inch of him, the way she’d kissed him, deep and slow. The way she’d given herself to him so completely, asking for nothing in return.

How was he supposed to be content with writing code and analyzing algorithms when he had a clear picture of her in his mind now? He could see her nestled between her animals, her hair ruffled from sleep, a warm smile spreading across her pink lips. There she was at the keyboard, posture straight, beautiful music flying form her fingers as she worked her magic on the black and ivory keys.

He’d tasted her, had drunk deeply from her, had nuzzled his nose into the crook of her neck and smelled her. The memories wouldn’t allow him to transition back into life in Chicago easily. And his heart wouldn’t either.

Sure, Gabe liked his work—hell, he loved it—but had he immersed himself in it to avoid the realization that he was alone? Even if he had, it didn’t matter now. He was lucky enough to have Julia show him the error of his isolated ways and he wasn’t looking forward to returning to his solitary, work-filled life.

This wasn’t going to be easy. He knew that. In fact, it might be the most difficult thing he’d ever done. He should have asked her to come back to Chicago with him. But he hadn’t been prepared. He didn’t plan on falling more in love with her after meeting her in person.

He could play the coulda shoulda woulda game all day. Neither one of them was going anywhere and there was still all the time in the world to make plans for the future. For right now, she had a job and her life in Red Valley and he had business to finish in Chicago.

Gabe had never given any thought to falling in love before. And he certainly hadn’t envisioned a life that included marriage and family. It was becoming clear to him that up until now he’d spent his life with blinders on. Focusing only on his work and what he could do to help people with disabilities. Now the spectrum was widening and he found himself wanting it all. Love, marriage, family…the whole kit and caboodle.

Now he just had to figure out how to make it all happen with the woman he loved—from twenty-two hundred miles away.

* * *

Long after her apartment was quiet and Shamus and Cassidy had curled up and drifted off to dreamland together, Julia found herself alone.

She moped around her kitchen, not quite sure what she was supposed to do with herself. Everything was different now, and yet it was all the same somehow. Life went on even when love was gone.

Making love with Gabe shouldn’t have been that good. It was supposed to be mildly satisfying and mostly mediocre so that when he returned to Chicago she would be left with fond mediocre memories. Instead, the crater-sized hole he left behind made breathing damn near impossible and a pesky life requirement that hurt way too much to be considered normal.

And he hadn’t just taken what he needed and discarded her when he was through. No, he’d given and given until she didn’t think she could take anymore. And he hadn’t given a thought to his own needs until she was fully satisfied and gasping from exhaustion.

As many times as she’d imagined the scenario in her mind, the reality had shattered the fantasy to pieces and blown them into the wind like a silly little joke.

She didn’t even want to shower and wash his scent from her skin.

She wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him, she knew that much. But that was the funny thing about love. You could control it about as much as you could control the waves in the ocean or a wild animal in the jungle. And control or no control, right now Julia wished for some semblance of normal in a topsy-turvy world.

Luckily, Shamus knew how to comfort her. And he was so in tuned with her that he knew exactly when she needed his attentiveness, too. He would take his big body and lean into her until she had no choice but to bury her face in his fur and cry away all the emotions she was feeling. When she’d thoroughly exhausted herself, he’d lick her face free of tears and she would feel better—at least for the time being.

Julia picked up the glass pansy and clutched it in her hand. It warmed from her body heat and she ran her thumb over the smooth glass. The same way Gabe had stroked his thumb over her hand.

Everything in her apartment held Gabe’s memory now. She trailed her fingers over the back of the couch, remembering how they had sat, snuggled into each other, holding hands, always holding hands. Then, she followed the hall toward the bathroom where he had showered that first day. She had stood, trembling on the other side of the door, wondering, imagining. Next, she went into the bedroom where they had slept in her little bed, legs thrown over one another’s, hands and fingers tracing over skin, discovering and bringing warmth with each curious touch.

Julia squeezed her eyes tight and could hear his voice, his laughter bouncing off the walls and surrounding her with joy. She just wanted to lie with him. To feel his arms wrapped around her as she slept. She just wanted him here again.

Back in the living room, nerves raw, Julia sat down at her keyboard. He’d kissed her here. As softly as a whisper. And she’d let herself surrender to him despite the fear of being vulnerable. Despite the pain he could cause after he stripped her of the walls that had stood guarding her heart for so long.

With Shamus at her feet and Cassidy curled up on the bench next to her, Julia set the pansy aside and rested her fingers on the keyboard. The first note came forth like a raindrop, gentle and wonderful and then the rest of the sonata poured from her fingers like a violent summer storm.

The familiar notes were like long-lost friends, welcoming her back into their comforting fold.

Her fingers flew over the keys. When she finished her sonata, she moved on to the classics. Her interpretation of Bach’s Passacaglia and Fugue in C Minor was sad and full of longing. The music wouldn’t bring her any closer to Gabe, but it would set her heart free for the time being.

She played until tears streamed down her face. She didn’t wipe them away, but let them fall and kept playing long into the night.

* * *

When Kate returned from Cabo tan and happy, she never expected to find Julia in a state of distress back home in Red Valley.

She pulled Julia close and rocked her back and forth as she sobbed. There had been many other times like this when Kate had tried desperately to soothe her sister. After she’d first lost her sight, Julia had cried herself to sleep, mourning the loss of something so intangible and yet so vitally important. Kate had stroked her hair then and felt her heart break in two as Julia cried out “
why?
” over and over until her voice was hoarse.

Growing up, they had slept side-by-side in twin beds in the little bedroom they shared. Sometimes Julia cried in the middle of the night when she thought Kate was asleep and couldn’t hear her. In the daylight she was brave when she could feel the sun on her skin. But as soon as darkness fell, exhaustion claimed her and she began to unravel.

Now, Kate stroked her hair as Julia’s body trembled with sobs. As much as she’d endured and conquered over the years, her sister was still as vulnerable to heartbreak as the next person.

Kate murmured words meant to soothe and comfort, but she knew Julia didn’t hear them. Besides, there was nothing she could say to dry her tears or to make Gabe come back.

“It’s silly. I know I’m being silly. He has his own life in Chicago and I
know
that, but…” Julia let her voice trail off, frustrated with how vulnerable she’d let herself become.

As much as she liked to do things—skydiving, bungee jumping—just to prove she could, Julia was a homebody at heart who enjoyed curling up on her couch with her animals just as much as going out and being adventurous. She could move to Chicago—she could compose her music from anywhere—but Kate would most definitely have a conniption fit if she did.

“He’ll be back,” Kate reassured her.

Julia nodded, not really sure she believed her.

“When VINCE is complete there won’t be anything keeping him there,” Kate added.

A flicker of optimism fluttered inside Julia’s heart.

She could only hope.

* * *

Gabe didn’t bother unpacking, but tossed the duffel bag on the bed and turned right back around and left his apartment. In less than twenty minutes, he was walking through the shiny glass doors of Intelliteck, feeling more at home in the sixty-two story building than he ever would in his own apartment.

Killingsworth was at a conference, which was a good thing because it meant that Gabe could work without the boss man breathing down his neck for a couple of weeks. He needed this uninterrupted time to finalize VINCE’s programming and get the ball rolling on its release.

“Gabe! You’re back!” Wesley just about tackled Gabe before he could even reach his desk. “How was California?”

“It was great.” He set down his laptop case and turned on his computer. “Red Valley was nice.”

“And the girl?”

Gabe smiled as memories from the past week resurfaced. “
Amazing
.”

“Cool.” Wesley looked him over and narrowed his eyes. “Except I thought for sure you’d return with a tan,” he said with a smirk.

They exchanged a knowing look before Gabe got down to business. Now that he was back, there wasn’t time to waste.

This was it. This was the week that he and Wesley would work out the rest of VINCE’s kinks and ready the program for final testing. This was what he’d spent years of his life working towards.

Wesley had already reassured Gabe that all of the glitches had been smoothed out while he’d been in Red Valley. Now all he had to do was go over the programming himself one last time.