Breathe (29 page)

tucking the rings underneath. The shirt smelled funky. Stains from the frozen

burrito he"d forced down the night before covered the front. Better than going

without a shirt. At least in front of Lincoln.

Time to get everything out in the open.

He lunged for the front door and onto the porch before Lincoln got more than a

few feet up the sidewalk.

“Hey,” Lincoln said.

Looking in those dark eyes, Jay lost all his resolve. He wanted to go to the

man. Hold him. Kiss him. Get them naked and sink into Lincoln until everything

else fell away. But he couldn"t. All Jay could give Lincoln was the truth. He stepped

off the porch onto the sidewalk and kicked at a pebble with the toe of his shoe.

“Hey.”

Lincoln joined him, both men kicking at stray stones as if there was an

immediate need to clear every last inch of the concrete.

“You feeling better?” Lincoln asked.

“I think so.” Jay couldn"t find more stones to boot off the sidewalk. He wanted

to ask Lincoln why he"d come, but he couldn"t bring himself to say the question

aloud. Instead he said, “It wasn"t the Shaws sending you the notes. I know who it

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was now. They promised me they"re done with it. I think they were just trying to

scare you—make you sorry.”

“I
am
sorry.”

“I know that.” One look at the man in the courtroom video recording, at the

man Jay had first met in the bar, and there was no doubt about that.

Lincoln stared at Jay. “And taking Jessica"s medicine? That was more than an

empty threat.”

“I know. It"s done, though.”

“How"d you manage that?”

“Doesn"t matter.”

Lincoln took a step closer. “You pissed at me?”

“Nah. Just got all this stuff going on with my family.”

“Okay. You busy right now?”

“Told you, I"m heading over to my brother"s. We"re working on my Jeep.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Todd"s moving soon. He needs help packing up his house.”

Lincoln glanced off toward the street. “I"d offer to help, but hanging out with

your family doesn"t seem like something we"ll be doing anytime in the near future.”

Yeah. That was an understatement. If Lincoln went there to help, they"d be

lucky if Todd didn"t call their mom over to let her have at him. Jay tried to speak.

How was he supposed to tell Lincoln they were over—that whatever they were

becoming had to end—for both their sakes? How could he explain that in exchange

for keeping Lincoln and his family away from his mom"s torture, Jay had given him

up? Or that his mom had helped him see the real reason why this had to end?

“Are you done with me?” Lincoln asked.

Jay lifted his gaze “What?”

“I"m getting the impression your little gay experiment is over.”

“My what?”

“You heard me.” Lincoln crossed his arms, his biceps flexing, the wolf tattoo

jumping with the movement. “What am I to you?”

Jay couldn"t answer. He wasn"t sure himself.

“I get it,” Lincoln said. “No sweat, okay? I knew it was coming. We knew this

could never be anything.” Lincoln pulled several folded pieces of paper from his back

pocket. “Thought you might want to take a look at these.” He waved his other hand

through the air as if the papers were no big deal.

Jay reached for them. Their hands didn"t meet, but Lincoln kept his grip on his

end of the pages as if he wanted to force Jay to look at him.

When Jay didn"t, Lincoln released his hold, turned, and walked to the curb.

Jay waited until the man was out of sight before he went into the house. He shut

the door and leaned against it. Alone. Again.

Breathe

149

The seconds ticked off on the clock above the entertainment center. The only

clock in the house that ran on batteries. How long would it keep on chugging away

until it finally died without Katie there to tend to it?

His stomach in knots, Jay wandered across the living room. The lack of

breakfast and the beers he"d drank made vomiting a possibility. Was it always this

shitty to break up with someone? No. This was about more than that. This was

about losing his first chance at happiness in a year—his first chance at more than

he imagined he"d have again.

He stared at the books he"d knocked to the floor. He picked one up and set it on

the shelf. Only then did he remember the papers in his other hand. Information on

the history and education programs at Indiana University"s Fort Wayne campus. He

read several lines from the history brochure. The pages blurred, and the small type

jumped on the page. He tossed the materials onto the coffee table.

The glasses he needed for reading and hadn"t used in months were in his

nightstand drawer. He held them under the light of the bedside lamp and grimaced

at the dust and fingerprints covering the lenses. He wiped them on his shirttail, and

when that proved no help, he rinsed them in the bathroom sink and used a towel to

dry them. He went back into the living room, flicked on the lamp, and fetched the

papers.

A half hour later, he had read and reread every word. Lincoln had marked

three Native American history courses, and Jay liked what he read.

He scooped up the pages he"d scattered across the coffee table and headed for

the office in the back of the house. He turned on the computer. There"d be no hope of

reading anything through the one-quarter-inch layer of dust on the monitor"s

screen, so he went in search of something to dust with. He hadn"t done much

cleaning in the past year, and when he had cleaned, it was to sweep the visible dirt

and crumbs from the floor and throw the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. Dusting

was a bit fancier than he got. Didn"t he have one of those feather things that sucked

up the dust like a magnet picks up paper clips? Todd had used it once when he said

Jay"s TV was too dust-covered to watch football. Todd hadn"t stopped with the TV.

He"d proceeded to dust the entire house.

Jay found the blue feather duster under the sink in the kitchen and used it to

clean the computer screen. By the time he finished, the system had booted. Good

thing he hadn"t canceled his cable bill. Included in the monthly package was his

Internet access.

When he"d been in school over a year ago, he planned to transfer to a four-year

college after completing his associate"s degree. Three universities within driving

distance offered teaching programs. The Fort Wayne campus was the closest. At the

time of the accident, Jay had been a year away from transferring and hadn"t

checked into the specifics of each school. Once Katie was gone, he didn"t give a shit

about any of it.

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After reading the papers Lincoln had brought, he craved more information. He

searched the university"s Web site for course catalogs, application materials, and

student financial aid programs.

He read a detailed description for a Native American course titled Family

Units. It reminded Jay of something he"d read in high school. He opened another

browser window and did a search for Iroquois customs and myths. When he came

across a list sorted by category, he clicked on the heading “The Importance of

Uncle.” He read the page.

Just as he thought. There was more of his grandfather in Lincoln than the

man realized.

* * *

Lincoln stepped into the house and winced at Nancy"s shouted words. He

folded over the top of the paper sack with the bottle of Jack inside. The television

set was on but the living room was empty. The voices carried down the hall.

“Why?” Adam screamed. “Uncle Lincoln smokes, and you don"t say nothing to

him.”

He knew that was coming. Might as well face the music. She"d have at him

later anyway, and he needed to have a talk with Adam.

“It doesn"t matter what your uncle does,” she said. “You"re my son.”

Lincoln dropped off the paper sack in Davy"s room and went to stand in front

of Adam"s open door. The kid was sitting on his bed, his thumbs moving over the

buttons on his cell phone. Did the kid text twenty-four/seven? Lincoln hadn"t known

enough people in his entire life to message so damn much.

“You have to think before you act,” Nancy said. “Your little brother looks up to

you.”

Adam rolled his eyes and went back to his typing. “Jeez, Mom. It"s not my

fault. You cram him in my room like I"m some sort of kid. I can"t be responsible for

what Davy"s gonna do.”

“Yeah, you are,” Lincoln said as he entered the room. “That"s how life works.”

Adam looked at him for a moment, then shut the phone and flung it onto the

bed beside him.

Nancy returned her attention to her son. “Your actions have consequences. It"s

not healthy for you. It"s not healthy for your family.”

The cell phone beeped. Adam rolled his eyes at his mom"s words and picked up

the phone. A quick read of the screen and he tapped buttons again. “I get it.

Cigarettes kill. Nicotine is addictive. Blah blah blah.” He spoke the words in a

singsong mock of every public service announcement on the subject. His thumbs

never stopped the texting.

Lincoln marched across the room and yanked the cell out of Adam"s clutches.

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151

“Hey!” Adam whirled onto his knees and grabbed for the phone.

Lincoln kept it out of reach. “Show some respect. Do you know how hard your

mom works? How much she sacrifices for you kids?”

“Right. Her life sucks "cause she got pregnant when she was eighteen. I got the

message.”

Nancy stepped closer to the bed. “I never said my life sucks. I wouldn"t trade

you kids for anything.”

“Mom, I"m not going to mess up.” Adam gave her a pleading look. “I hung out

with the guys and tried a smoke. No big deal.” He glared at Lincoln. “I listened to

the lecture. Can I have my phone back?”

Lincoln shoved the cell into his pocket and folded his arms over his chest. “Not

a chance. I haven"t given
my
lecture.”

Adam"s eyes widened, and he sank onto his heels.

“Your sister has trouble breathing as it is. She doesn"t need you smoking

around here.”

Adam opened his mouth to speak, but Lincoln held up a hand to stop him.

“Yeah, I"ve been smoking since I got back, but I"m damn careful about it. I

never smoke in the house, and I always change and wash up when I get home. It"s a

bad habit, and I"m quitting. I haven"t smoked in days. You don"t need to start

something that isn"t healthy for you, something you"ll have to watch yourself with

around Jessica. It"s reckless. It"s stupid—”

“I"m not stupid.” Adam jumped off the bed and went to the door. He held it

open as if the action would give the adults a clue about leaving him alone.

Lincoln didn"t budge. “I didn"t mean you"re stupid.”

“Can"t you trust me?”

Lincoln moved to stand in front of him. “This isn"t about trust. This is about

expecting you to start acting like a grown man. To think before you make a mistake

that"ll hurt your sister.” Lincoln clenched his jaw. He needed to shut the hell up. He

was not the person Adam needed to hear shit like that from.

Adam met his gaze. “I wouldn"t hurt her.”

“I know. I just don"t want you to make a mistake and regret it later.”

The words seemed to penetrate. Adam"s posture eased, and he nodded. “Can I

have my cell now?”

Lincoln handed over the phone and stepped into the hall with Nancy. Had he

made a mistake? He"d never been that hard on the kid. Smoking wasn"t the worst

thing in the world. There were a lot bigger mistakes the kid could make.

Adam shut his door without another word, and Nancy glared at Lincoln. “I was

handling it.”

“He needs a father.” He needed someone whose advice wouldn"t sound like a

hypocrite talking.

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“Well, there"s nothing I can do about that.”

“I didn"t say it was your fault.” Lincoln headed for the living room. “It just

pisses me off.”

She followed. “He doesn"t need a father. It would"ve been nice, yeah, but he has

me. And you. Even when you move out, you"re still his uncle, and no one is a better

role model for him.”

Lincoln plopped onto the couch. “Jail. Smoking. Booze. Unprotected sex.

Explain how I"m a good role model?”

“You"re a great uncle, a great brother. You take care of us better than anyone.

We wouldn"t have a place to live without you.”

“Kids don"t see that shit. He sees an uncle who served six months.” Lincoln

hated feeling sorry for himself, but it kept pouring out of him. Nancy always drew

out the raw truth. Nancy and Jay.

“We"re back to this? Why don"t you—wait!” She sat beside him. “Unprotected

sex? It"s that serious?”

Not likely
. “We"re through. He doesn"t want me.”