Breathe (30 page)

“Bullshit.” She lowered her tone. “I"ve never seen anyone want you more. Not

even Paul looked at you the way Jay does.”

Lincoln snorted.

“You don"t believe me? You may have been with Paul for seven years, but he

didn"t once do for you what Jay"s done in a couple of months.”

“Leave it alone.” He pushed off the couch and went to the kitchen. He got a

beer out of the fridge, opened it, and played with the bottle"s label under his thumb.

“Lincoln?” she called out from the next room.

“Dammit, Nance.” He slammed the refrigerator door shut. “It"s over.”

Silence. A minute later she stood at the kitchen doorway. “Why don"t you call

him?”

“I can"t lose anything else.” He gripped the refrigerator handle. “If I let him in,

and he walks for good…” He didn"t want to explain all the reasons they"d never last.

He went to Nancy and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “Thanks for

trying. I"m quitting the smokes for good, okay? I"ll make sure Adam knows that.

And Davy can have his room back. Give Adam space to be a teenager.”

She looked ready to argue.

“I"m not going anywhere,” he said.

She gave a reluctant smile and said, “Okay.”

He kissed her forehead and handed over his opened beer before heading down

the hall. He slid the duffel bag out from under the bed and crammed in two days"

worth of clothes and the bottle of Jack he"d stopped off for after leaving Jay"s house.

He checked the windows and locked all the doors in the house. The sleeping

bag from the garage tucked under his arm, he climbed the stairs to the unfinished

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room above. There were worse places to sleep. He spread the sleeping bag out on the

floor and opened the whiskey. And better ways to keep his thoughts at bay.

Jay had been one of those ways.

Now that he was gone, the dreams would return. Better to hold them off.

Lincoln stretched out on the sleeping bag and tilted back the Jack. Better to

keep everything and everyone at bay. It"s what he should have done all along.

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Chapter Twenty-two

“How long have you known you wanted to sleep with men?”

Jay choked on the green beans he"d managed to force into his mouth. He

hadn"t been able to eat much of the chicken and stuffing on his plate. His stomach

had been in knots since his dad had called three hours earlier and asked to meet.

When was the last time Jay and his dad had done anything alone?

Nothing came to mind.

His dad had chosen a diner one town north of Edgefield. They sat in a booth in

the back, and his dad had talked about his plans for a summer blowout sale at the

store between bites of food while the waitress came by with refills for their coffees.

His dad had flashed her a wide grin and offered a thank-you, bantering with her in

a way Jay had never witnessed his father do before. Maybe his mom sucked all the

life out of the man. Must have been how his dad had success running his business

for all those years. By not letting his wife in the door.

Eating the beans was supposed to be safe. They couldn"t make Jay too sick to

his stomach. They could, however, get stuck in his throat. He swallowed and a

coughing fit ensued.

His dad half stood, leaned over the table, and smacked him on the back.

Jay held up a hand and reached for his glass of water. His dad sat and didn"t

say anything more on the topic of Jay"s sexuality. The vinyl of the booth"s bench

squeaked as Jay shifted his weight. How had he picked the squeaky side and his

dad"s seat didn"t make a sound when the man moved? Would Jay ever make another

decision in his life that wasn"t fucked-up?

The cool water eased his throat with each swallow. He kept at it. What was he

supposed to say?
I always knew I wanted dick, Dad, but I loved my wife so I held it

in check?

Not the best response. He kept downing the water. Maybe something else

would come to him before he got to the bottom of the glass.

The waitress came by the table again and filled his dad"s coffee cup to the

brim. “Need anything else?”

His dad glanced at Jay. “More water for my son. He"s going to need it.” He

leaned forward and whispered, “I have more questions.”

Jay sputtered out a laugh and almost dropped his glass to the table. The water

failed to escape his nose, but it was close.

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His dad smirked at him as the waitress made quick work refilling Jay"s water.

“So?” he said when she"d left the table.

“I guess I always knew.” Jay reached for the water glass, and the seat

squeaked again. He set the glass on the table without taking a drink. “I loved her.”

“I never suggested you didn"t. She"s not here and you are. You have to move on

with your life. You"re not even twenty-three. You deserve a future. A family.”

“I know.”

“And this man—”

“He"s not…we"re not together.”

“Not because of your mother, I hope.” His dad glanced around the diner, then

said, “Because of what he did? Because of the accident?”

Jay didn"t respond. He didn"t want to think about the reasons again, didn"t

want to give Lincoln much thought at all. If he did, he might not be able to convince

himself to stay away.

His dad took a long sip of his coffee and sat back. “Your mother doesn"t know I

called you.” He paused as if searching for the precise words to say something Jay

wouldn"t want to hear. “It haunts her, what your life might have been.”

No secrets there.

“She was so excited that day. All the way home talking about being a

grandma, about babysitting, and buying a stroller. She was specific on the stroller.

She wanted one with a detachable car seat so it"d be easy for you to bring the baby

to see us.”

“Todd—”

“Yes. But for some reason it"s different for her, and you know it. You"re her

baby. And even though we didn"t want you to get married so young, she loved your

wife. She saw this perfect future for you. The accident destroyed that dream.”

Jay stared into his dad"s eyes and saw a man he didn"t recognize. Softer, more

understanding than before, or more so than Jay had ever noticed.

His dad continued. “She just doesn"t understand. Hell, I didn"t understand. I"ve

given it thought, though. A lot of thought, actually. That you could befriend that

man, have a relationship with him—” He shook his head. “You"re a good man, Jay.

And I"m okay with you being gay. The rest of it…well, if you keep seeing him, it

might take time on my part, but I want you to be happy.”

“I don"t know if—”

“He"s good for you.”

“What?”

“You"ve been different.”

Nancy had said the same thing about him being good for Lincoln. They were

both right. “He is.”

“I"m afraid your mother will never understand that.”

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“I can"t live for her.”

“No one is asking you to.”

But the deal Jay had made with his mom couldn"t be undone, could it?

His dad drank his coffee and didn"t offer anything else. Maybe he had said all

he could. It was miles from where Jay imagined the man to be.

Jay wanted to talk more, to ask his dad if he knew about the threats, if he

knew what she"d been doing, but he couldn"t bring himself to ask that question.

Instead, he chose another.

“Dad, what did you do with your share of the money from the lawsuit?”

His dad sighed and sat back, the vinyl finally squeaking under his shifting

weight. “The store"s been losing a lot of money over the past few years. We used

most of it to pay off some debts and a second mortgage we had to take out on the

house. The store doesn"t carry any computer equipment, and there just isn"t the

same demand for office supplies as there used to be. I haven"t wanted to admit it,

but the store isn"t going to survive unless I change my way of thinking—change

what I envisioned for the place.”

“Sorry. I hope it works out.”

His dad leaned forward and said, “I hope the same for you, Jay.”

Jay nodded and stood. “Thanks for dinner. And for the rest.” He took a couple

of steps from the table, then stopped, and added, “I won"t visit the cemetery next

time. It"s not how I want to remember her. I can"t go there…” He wanted to say

“ever again,” but he couldn"t bring himself to admit that.

His dad rose and laid a tip on the table. “It"s okay.” He came to Jay and placed

a hand on his shoulder. “I"ll talk to her.”

Would she listen? Had she ever?

What would his mom do if Jay didn"t keep his end of the bargain? What would

she do if he saw Lincoln again?

It didn"t matter. Despite the conversation with his dad and how much Jay still

wanted Lincoln, he couldn"t take a chance. All he could do was offer Lincoln the

truth. Tell him about the threats, about the night of the accident, about the real

reasons they couldn"t be together. He owed Lincoln that.

* * *

Not as easy a question as it sounded. “I"m Jay.”

The kid gave a nod and said, “Adam.”

“It"s nice to finally meet you.”

“Same here.”

“Your uncle has a lot of good things to say about you.”

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Adam let go of the door and looked down at the floor, but he couldn"t hide the

smile.

“Adam, who is it?” Nancy stepped up behind the kid and spotted Jay. “Oh. I"ve

got this. Go on to your room.”

The kid walked away, and Jay asked, “Is he home?” His low, timid voice

unnerved him. The truth had always come easily to him. Why was facing Lincoln so

hard?

“He"s in the garage working on the room upstairs.” Nancy moved aside and

held the door open for Jay.

He entered and headed for the kitchen.

“Please don"t hurt him. He"s been through enough.”

Jay faced her. “I"m not trying to hurt him.”
I’m trying to help him. Trying to do

the right thing.

“But if you think you might, maybe you can just go.” She brushed a strand of

hair out of her eyes. She wouldn"t look at Jay. “Before he falls for you more than he

already has.”

He wanted her to understand he didn"t have a choice. He didn"t want to lose

someone else, but he couldn"t betray his wife anymore. Wasn"t that what he"d been

doing?

Katie would not want Lincoln to suffer. And she wouldn"t want Jay to be alone.

Yet, even with those truths, Jay owed her something. He owed her respect for the

life they had shared, respect for the future they"d lost.

“I"m not sure we can… I have to talk to him.”

Nancy met his stare and nodded.

Jay thanked her, and took off for the garage. Someone had picked up the place.

No stray tools. No rags they"d used on the bike. The Harley was under the tarp

again, hidden away. He climbed the steps two at a time and found Lincoln

hammering a piece of drywall in place. One look at the lines of Lincoln"s bare back,

the curves of muscles accentuating his arms, the determined focus on the man"s

body as he worked to secure the board, and all Jay"s concerns and the words so

important a moment ago vanished.

He couldn"t let go of Lincoln. The man who eased him with a single look, who

made him feel safe and alive, who had listened and cared when it had to have killed

him to hear about her. Lincoln was the best man Jay had ever known. There had to

be a way to make what they had last.

Lincoln hefted another drywall sheet to the wall, a hole already cut for an

electrical outlet. He positioned the board, and held it in place with one hand, while

tapping hammer to nail with the other.

The drywall panel slipped. Jay crossed the room and held up the opposite end

of the board. Lincoln stared at him, his eyebrows drawn in, several nails sticking

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out between his lips. Jay"s heart raced; he longed to step closer. To touch Lincoln.

Hold him. Anything.

Without a word, Lincoln looked away, slid a nail out of his mouth, and

pounded it into the wall. He hammered in several more nails until the board was

secured. They each took a step back and watched the wall, as if they had to give it a

few minutes to make certain the board wouldn"t slip.

Jay couldn"t glance away from it. As soon as he"d left the diner, he knew he

had to talk to Lincoln. He owed the man an explanation. Now, all he wanted was a

kiss, a touch, a look. Would Lincoln still want anything with him? Could they

manage it with everything between them? He gave up on the board and watched

Lincoln out of the corner of his eye. “It"s looking good in here.”

Lincoln grunted, but still wouldn"t so much as glance at Jay again.

“Thanks for the college information. It was fascinating.”

“You should go back to school.” Lincoln walked to the other side of the room