Broken (Broken #1) (12 page)

I realise
this is it, this is real; he’s leaving me. I will never see Caleb’s
face or hear him talk again. I want to jump onto the conveyor make
them stop and beg the funeral director to take the body back so I
can have a few more days looking at him and talking to him.
 But I know it’s not possible, the dam breaks and the tears
fall. Tears of sorrow, tears of loss and grief and every emotion
that solidifies just how lonely and distraught I feel.

I can’t even say goodbye. I’m
scared if I try to connect with him in the slightest way I’ll start
screaming and I won’t stop. The sobs are already bad enough. Will
this pain ever end?

He goes up in flames and that’s
it, time for the wake but I don’t go to that. Instead I travel back
home with all of my friends and go to our local. We sit and chat
about memories while I sip an orange juice and try to join in.
After a few long minutes of forcing conversation I find a quiet
corner and slowly die inside.

I had the man every woman
wants.

And now I don’t.

It feels like the end.

Just… The End.

I wish I could drink my sorrows
away, this isn’t getting easier. Sasha and Tommy have left to go
back to University and their lives. I know I should move but I
can’t. The most I can do is lie in bed and pretend I’m somebody
else. Pretend he’s here beside me.

They can’t stay any longer plus
they feel like they’re not helping.

I’m a lost cause. I have
nobody.

Well… I have nobody I want, I
only want him. His family haven’t called and I don’t want them too.
I have enough to deal with. I have bills to pay that I can’t afford
and I’m having a baby in five months.

FIVE MONTHS!

It’s been a week since the
funeral and my mum still hasn’t been in touch. What’s worse is,
Caleb’s bank account was emptied by his parents (I assume) so
there’s no way for me to pay the bills. I should go to work but
what’s the point? I still won’t be making enough to cover
everything.

I’m stuck in a rut and I don’t
want to claw my way out.

Sasha was right, if you let
yourself spiral into darkness, you’ll never find your way back.

“
Why’d you
leave me Caleb?”

I can’t cope. I’m going to lose
everything. I’m going to have to give up the house.

So I do the one thing I never
thought I’d do.

I call his parents. I beg them
for help with the rent, to help with something. It takes every
ounce of pride I have left but I can’t do this alone. Babies cost
money and they have money, I don’t.

His father slams the phone down
and when his mother calls back she tells me, “It’s your fault he’s
dead. If he hadn’t have met you this never would have happened.”
What’s worse is… she’s right.

Everything goes to shit. I
can’t pay the bills, I can’t even afford bread. Sasha gave me a
hundred pounds but it’s not enough to cover the electric. My
paycheque came in yesterday and that’s barely enough to cover the
gas.

Chicago’s gave me five hundred
pounds to help. They collected the money from staff and customers
to put towards expenses. I put it all in the bank and pray for
help. For strength. For courage.

It doesn’t come.

Even if I use this five hundred
to pay the bills. I’m still going to lose the house. And I refuse
to go on benefits yet and even if I did there wouldn’t be enough to
cover the rent and utilities. But this is our house. We decorated
it together!

I don’t want to lose it.

But I do.

Two weeks go by and I lose the
house, fortunately considering the circumstances they don’t sell my
things. They put them in a warehouse for me to collect when I get a
new place. So I go to my mum’s thinking she’ll take me in
considering the circumstances, even though she hasn’t so much as
texted me since she found out I was pregnant.

The door opens, my mum takes
one look at me and sneers in disgust, “He’s left you.”

“
What?” I
gasp, tears pooling in my eyes. “No… mum, he’s dead.” How has she
not heard?

She looks shocked but it
doesn’t last, “And now you want to come home?”

“
We had a
house, jobs, school, I can’t do it on my own.” I admit, my tears
spilling over. “I need you.”

“
I warned
you. You swore you wouldn’t get pregnant. We worked our arses off,
we worked day and night to get you into University.”

I look into her cold cruel
eyes, “This wasn’t my fault. I can still go back I just need
help.”

“
I never
wanted this for you,” she says with a frown. “I can’t help you
Gwen. This is your mess, I dealt with my mess now you need to deal
with yours. I’m disappointed in you.”

“
I can’t help
what happened!” I shout, my hand pressed to my swollen belly.
“Please mum, I don’t have anywhere to stay.”

She takes a step back and just
as I think she’s going to invite me inside she shakes her head and
says, “I’m sorry. I can’t help you.”

I bang on the door and I keep
banging until my fists hurt. She doesn’t answer, she doesn’t even
glance. How can she be so cruel? None of this is my fault.

“
Mum! Please!
Please!” I sink to the ground and bury my face in my hands. My sobs
tear through me like a chainsaw through paper.

I’ve lost everything. I have no
home, no family and no Caleb.

After a few more minutes of
accepting my fate I head to my car and drive until I can’t
anymore.

Even Sasha can’t have me, she’s
lives in a hall of residence. I’d be allowed there for one night.
Just one.

I’m stuck, completely
stuck.

I have to drop out of
university, it’s already paid so I can go back and finish my course
in the future, that’s a relief. What’s not a relief is the fact I
have to quit my placement that I worked so hard to get, but the
café I used to work at have given me my job back. The problem is,
I’m huge.

I’m pregnant and I have nowhere
to live and no money. There are no spaces at the closest women’s
refuge shelters, plus I don’t want to go to one of those.

So here I sit, a sob story, in
the front of my car outside my old house, photos and clothes and
other bits and pieces sit on the back seat in huge boxes.

At least I still have the car…
for now.

I rest my head on the steering
wheel and cry. It’s been a while since I’ve cried. But now I’ve
started I can’t stop. It hurts… it hurts so bad.

I’m never going to see him
again.

I’ll never get to feel him
again.

Why did you leave me Caleb?

I should move but I can’t bring
myself to do it. My hands won’t move to the ignition and gear
stick. If I leave I can’t come back. This house will no longer be
mine. The last few memories I have of Caleb will be just that…
memories. I won’t be able to walk into the hall and recall on the
time he put his bare foot straight onto the paint tray by mistake,
when we decorated the hall. And then painted the wall with his
foot, making me laugh so hard I ended up choking on my own
saliva.

I won’t be able to lie on the
bed and remember him resting his head on my flat stomach and
promising me and our baby an eternity of love and loyalty.

I won’t be able to look in the
bathroom and recall on the time he had a bad curry and ended up
sitting there all day. Seriously. I brought him his laptop and put
on YouTube so he could watch funny videos of cats. Every time he
laughed he’d fart and follow through. It was so funny.

Sob.

My life is over.

It’s over and I’m scared.

There’s a knock on the window,
great, it better not be the police.

It’s not. What the fuck?

I wipe my eyes and slowly roll
it down, “Nathan?”

“
Gwen,” He
says in a clipped tone.

My hands tremble on the
steering wheel, why’s he here? “Y… yes?”

“
Why aren’t
you inside? You shouldn’t be sat out here crying,” he bites out,
his jaw clenched.

It hurts to look at him, he
looks like an older, sterner version of Caleb but he’s just as
handsome. His eyes are the same shape and colour, his hair too.
Although Nathan’s jaw is wider and stronger and his cheekbones more
pronounced. He also doesn’t have a hint of stubble, not like Caleb
used to fashion on a daily basis because he couldn’t be arsed to
shave.

I miss that stubble.

“
We don’t
live there anymore,” I murmur.

He sighs, “I can’t hear you if
you don’t speak properly.” What an arsehole.

“
I don’t live
there anymore okay?” I say louder this time, the words make me cry
again.

“
So maybe you
should go to where you do live,” he snaps.

Why is he here? “You’re looking
at it.”

“
What?”

“
Are you
deaf? I said you’re looking at it! This is everything I have
left.”

His harsh eyes soften slightly,
his face seems to slacken, “Shit.”

“
Yeah,” I
agree. “Shit.” Then I sigh, sick of his presence. He’s too tall and
it’s got to be hurting his back bending over like that. “Why are
you here Nathan?”

He looks at the house, to the
back of my car and then to me, “I don’t know.”

“
Right. Well
then maybe you should leave.”

“
Yeah,” he
agrees and stands. I watch him via the wing mirror returning to his
large and flashy, black car that’s parked behind my crappy metal
box on wheels. I didn’t see it pull up but I’m seeing it now, it’s
huge. He climbs in and two seconds later he pulls away. Leaving me
once again to my own thoughts.

Was he wearing a suit? He was
wearing a suit.

Who wears a suit during a
casual visit?

Caleb would rip the shit out of
him for it I have no doubt about that. But Caleb isn’t here and he
isn’t coming back.

I turn on the ignition, giving
one last lingering look at the house that was mine. Then with tear
filled eyes I head to work.

My boss lets me park directly
outside of the doors, due to my car being full of my things, he
winces when he sees me. “Go into the back, wash your face, have a
few minutes and come back out.”

I don’t argue with him, I need
it as much as he thinks I do. Probably even more.

My stomach gets in the way as I
work, my ankles are swollen but I’m determined to keep going. The
best part is I keep getting large tips because people see my
stomach and how young I am and take pity. Right now I’ll take that
pity. Their pity is what’s keeping me fed.

The ones who know about my
circumstances don’t make eye contact with me. I’m unsure why this
is. Maybe it’s a guilt thing because they have a house and a
support unit. Knowing I don’t have either probably makes them feel
bad to be in my presence. These people give me tips too.

“
Hey,” Sasha
says as she comes in with a few of her friends. “How are you
doing?”

I shrug, “I’m fine.”

“
Are you
okay… to be working?” Honestly no, I’m in agony and everything
hurts but it helps me get through the day. I don’t say this
though.

“
I’m fine I
promise,” I respond and lower my eyes from her concerned stare.
“What can I get you?”

She orders their drinks, I
scribble it down on my notepad, my mind on where I’m going to go
tonight. Then my boss swaps places with me, he starts taking orders
and serving, I just make the drinks. I’m relieved for this change,
my back ache’s becoming too much.

“
Do you want
to call it a day?” Sasha asks me as I potter about behind the
counter, filling drink orders and toasting croissants. “I can take
over your shift.”

I shake my head, “No. I…” have
nowhere to go and I don’t want to sit in the car for another
minute. “Thank you though. You’re a good friend Sasha.”

She touches my hand gently, “I
wish I could do more.”

We share a sad smile before she
leaves, it’s then I notice she’s left two twenties and a ten on the
counter. Is this what I’ve become? A charity case?

I know she wouldn’t think of me
like that but it still hurts to take hand outs. I’ve sunk so
low.

“
Why’d you
leave me Caleb?” I whisper and turn away from the customers to
reassemble myself.

I imagine him up there,
outraged that he’s been taken. I imagine him banging his fists on
the pearly gates watching me with tears of his own. He hates it
when I cry, it breaks his heart.

So I need to stop.

For him I need to find my
strength and get my shit together.

“
You
shouldn’t be working in your condition,” I wince at the sound of
his voice and turn to face him. Two cups of coffee in my hands.
“You look exhausted.”

I stare at Nathan and then I
look away. “Why are you here?” Please leave, you look too much like
him.

I place the drinks on a tray
and slide them towards my boss.

“
I followed
you,” he states without hesitation. “I didn’t realise your
pregnancy was so far along.” His familiar brown eyes flick to my
protruding stomach.

“
I didn’t
realise you cared,” I say and it’s supposed to sound snappy but my
voice sounds dead and flat. Exactly how I feel inside.

Nathan leans on the counter,
chewing his lip like his brother did. It makes my eyes burn. “Where
are you staying?”

“
Why are you
here?” My life isn’t his business, he didn’t care about his brother
so why should he care about me? Not to mention the fact he
assaulted Caleb the last time we saw him. “You live three hundred
miles away. What do you want?”

“
I asked you
a question,” a muscle in his jaw jumps, his eyes narrow with
irritation.