By My Side (10 page)

             
“I don't even remember when the last time you wore a dress was,” he said, coming in the house with Chinese food.

             
“My seventh birthday,” I replied. “I thought I’d better look more like an eighteen-year-old if I don't want to be bothered by a social worker,” I lied without hesitation, playing with my hair.

             
“Oh, um, yeah good idea. However, you know you don't really look seventeen no matter what you're wearing,” he said with a blush.

             
“Was that a compliment?” I asked anxiously. I sat down with him at the little metal table in the kitchen, ready to eat the food even if it's a reminder of our family ritual. It's the past now.

             
“Yeah.”

             
Okay. Who'll break eye contact first because I didn't want to? I think I looked like an idiot with chopsticks in the air and my dreamy face. Actually, he's not any better. He shaved so I could see him blushing hard, and the box of food was midway between the table and his mouth.

             
“So,” he said after swallowing hard. “You think your mother will listen to the psychiatrist?” Instantly, my mood crashed. I began to eat, not paying attention to the fact that, for once, I wasn't bad with chopsticks.

             
“I don't know. We'll see.”

             
“Hey, are you okay?”

             
I held eye contact and smiled a little. He's so worried all the time, like I could break into a million pieces. I was tougher than that … I think. It's good to have someone concerned about me.

             
“I haven’t eaten Chinese food in several months.”

              He put down his fork and drank some Coke, lost in his thoughts. He's so careful around me, always thinking before speaking. I wasn't that thoughtful.

             
“It's your favorite food, isn't it?” he stated. I was impressed, and delighted. He brought it especially for me. He's more a Mexican food man.

             
“Did you know you're an incredible person?”

             
Great! Did I just really say that?
To calm down, I drank my glass of Coke in one gulp. Bad idea, really. I choked on my soda, and some Coke flew out of my nose. My eyes were full of tears, and I had to choke to let them fall. Gabe stood up and gave me a paper napkin.

             
“I know I'm incredible, but you don't have to choke to death because you finally admitted it,” he said teasingly. I took a breath and cleaned up my face. I hated it.

             
“You're full of it, Gabe.”

             
“You'll give me a heart attack one day,” he said, returning to his seat, a hand in his hair. He did it very well. Did he realize how his chest and arm muscles were visible with this move?

             
“Very funny!” I said, more amused than nervous. “I meant that I hadn't realized you were paying attention to details all these years.”

             
I was digging my own grave. What happened with the ‘think before you open your mouth’ principal? Was I that dense? It's frightening.

             
“Details are important, don't you think?” he asked me, his eyes locked on his hands. “When you know details about someone it means that you really know them. It means you care.” Wow. Was it what I think it was? Impossible. He's so ... out of my league. Yeah, I was attracted to him now that we connected, but he's Gabe.

             
“Gabe, I'm ...”

             
“No!” he stopped me, his hand in front of me. “Forget it, please.”

             
I bit my lower lip and shook my head in agreement, my eyes on his T-shirt. Audioslave was written on the front. I was sure that if I looked him in the eyes, he'd see I was attracted to him. I was so overwhelmed by fear. Maybe Andy was right all along about me. Maybe I was full of crap, and I was into Gabe all along. No, that I was sure of. I really was out to hate him, but in some ways it was fun when it came to our fights. I could be sarcastic and awful without filtering anything.

             
“Don't you think our fights were fun?” I asked. He laughed a little. He's nostalgic. We both were.

             
“Yeah, but I thought you hated them?” I sighed and smiled at the memory of me giving him his first slap. Hilarious.

             
“I thought so, too. Now that we can speak like civil people, I'm not so sure. I mean, you really taught me how to manage so well with sarcasm. It was freeing.”

             
“Yeah, do you remember my senior year?”

             
“Oh yeah! Even Andy said we were exaggerating.”

             
“You were my outlet. I was so nervous about college, and all this crap that I used you.”

              “Good to know it. In fact, that year I obtained a reputation.”

             
“Which is?”

             
“Tough girl.”

             
“Like you are. Let me laugh.” However, he didn't laugh. He just looked me up and down in my sundress. I felt a little exposed.

             
“What do you mean?” But I knew exactly what he meant. He saw my art. It's just a shield. Damn it.

             
“Why do you never let someone see your feelings?”

             
How could I know why I was like I was? He's fun with his questions. I was playing with my hair, fidgeting with a lock of hair between my fingers. Gabe was looking at it. Was it possible to be that subconscious about a hand? Maybe the hospital had a place for me next to mom in the psychiatrist unit. It's a little harsh to joke about it, but still.

              “I just can't.”

             
“Let's go to the hospital, okay?” He knew I felt bad, but this distraction was not better. I had to know what the next day would be like. Better sooner than later I supposed. Unfortunately, I wasn't convinced.

             
“My car this time?”

             
“Why not.”

             
“Hello. Could you tell me the room number of Elizabeth Saunders?” I managed to say with a tense smile. I was a polite girl, but the hospital made me grumpy.

             
“And you are?” asked the middle-aged woman behind the receptionist desk. I wasn't the only one grumpy here.

              “Her daughter.” She looked at my face and glanced at Gabe. It's pathetic how he made women smile without a word.

             
“It's room number 205.” Needless to say, I didn't thank her. She's quite a beautiful woman for her age, but please. Gabe could be her son. In the elevator, Gabe nudged me.

             
“You're jealous your charm didn't operate on her, but mine did, right?” I was jealous, but not about that. Jealous. I didn't think this day would come.

             
“Shut up,” I said, laughing silently as some really talkative nurses came in the elevator. We climbed out at the next floor. The room was several steps on the right.

              “Hey, wait a minute,” he said with a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him—still a very tall guy—and waited to hear what he wanted to say.

             
“Whatever happens, I'm here for you so don't push me away. Promise me?” My heart sped up, and my breathing was a little harder.

             
“I promise.”

             
I knocked and went in. The curtains were open, and the TV was on. She's lying on the bed, over the covers, in a pair of jeans and a red top. She seemed better even with bandages on her forearm.

             
“Mom?”

             
Gabe was next to me, his hand still on my bare shoulder. He wanted me to know he's here. Always. For now. Like it's time to be pessimistic about something like that.

              “Oh, Lily,” she said, looking at us with a cold face. I didn't think it would be good. Great!

             
“Um, we're here to bring you home.” I felt like a two year old. Gabe squeezed my shoulder. Yeah, my voice was trembling and my body, too.

             
“Let's go. I don't want to spend one second more here. And Lily, the next time you give me an alcoholic reputation things will not go that well.”

             
She stood up, grabbed some papers, and led the way to the parking lot. I held my head high. Gabe removed his hand from my shoulder and took my hand instead. I wasn't really alone for now. But, for how long?

             
The funniest thing happened when we arrived home. My mom grabbed my car keys and left to buy alcohol. And not only three bottles. No, she's not an alcoholic. I just wanted some attention because my parents are divorced. Yeah, right.

              Now, she's in her bedroom with her new best friends with the TV blasting some series. Gabe and I were in my bedroom listening to Audioslave in honor of his T-shirt. We're sitting on my bed, quiet and lost in thought. It's great to not have to always speak. Gabe's phone ruined it.

             
“Damn! It's Andy.” He never called his brother, so I knew Andy knew about Gabe. Maybe even where he was last night. Damn it!

             
“What's going on?” Gabe answered. We were looking at each other anxiously. He put his phone on speaker for me to hear. Now I was even afraid to speak.

             
“You're at Lily's place. I saw your car there last night and just now.” Andy's voice was hateful. I didn't recognize him. He's so different from the person I knew.