By My Side (22 page)

             
“Maybe you need to draw again. You haven’t drawn anything since the funeral.”

             
Drawing was a part of my ritual before bed, but for some reason, I didn't want to draw sad things just to remember I was sad and grieving. I knew it all too well. “I don't want to.”

              “Lily, I didn't know you were so good. Maybe it would be good for you to take an art class in college next year.” First Gabe and now him. There's a reason I didn't want to show my art to everyone.

             
“I want to study literature.” I put my hair in a lose ponytail and stood up to refill my mug of coffee. I couldn't have this talk without more coffee in my blood.

              “I know, but art is also your passion. You could do both.”

              “No,” I replied harshly. He fell silent, and I saw his face fall. I was too hard on people sometimes. With him even more. “Dad, it's just too private. I can only draw what I think or feel, and I don't want people to judge it because they would judge me. I don't want anybody to see it.”

             
“But you showed it to Gabe. I heard you both talking about it few days ago.”

             
Was is it just me, or is my father was jealous of Gabe? It was the most ridiculous thing ever, my father jealous of my boyfriend. A laugh escaped me before I could stop it.

              “With Gabe it's special. He was outside when I was in the attic, and he called me. That's all.”

             
He stood up and took his briefcase in his strong hand, still very pale considering it was summer. His blue short-sleeved shirt was already wrinkled. He must have been up since dawn. He didn't sleep well, too.

             
“Be careful with him.”

              “What do you mean?” My voice was high pitched, my palms sweaty.

             
“Just that I don't want to see you devastated after he goes back. It's already very complicated.” He came next to me and kissed my forehead. He hasn’t done that since I was ten.

              “I know,” I replied.

              It wasn't the best idea to be involved with him right now, but I was attracted to him like a night butterfly to the light. I just couldn't resist, and I didn't really want to. I heard my dad's car leaving our curb while I was cleaning our mugs and the table. In an hour, Gabe would be here, and maybe he won't push me away this time. The fear came back in full force.

             
Under the shower, I remembered the first time I met Gabe. I was with Andy and his mother after school. It was a couple of months after Andy and I became best friend in kindergarten. So, I was with Andy and his mother, and we were going to pick up Gabe after his basketball training. Andy told me Gabe was bad news, and I won’t like him. Now, I wasn't sure if Andy influenced me, or if it was just me, but as soon as Gabe climbed in the car next to me, I felt angry at him. He was already so tall—even for his age—that I felt like nothing beside him. He called me pipsqueak and I pulled his dark hair with all my strength. Our fights began.

             
My hair was still wet, since it was too hot to dry it, as I put on a short sundress. Blue like my eyes. I loved my strawberry shampoo too much to put on any perfume. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I only saw the old me. Nothing special, except for my tired face and sadder eyes.

             
A car parked at the curb in front of the house. It was him, of course. I ran downstairs and opened the door as he was about to knock. He hasn’t shaved, like I love it, and he was wearing a plain grey shirt that made his eyes shine even more. He was perfect. Even his hair was perfectly messy.

             
“It's awkward, don't you think?” he said with a nervous grin that made me melt even more.

             
“We're ridiculous. Come in.”

              I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. I could still see a little ring of whisky on the armrest. He followed and sat next to me, his shoulder bumping lightly against mine. I was glad he didn't choose to sit on the other end of the couch.

             
I was glaring at my hands. Suddenly, I couldn't look at him. Bad beginning I supposed. Why am I acting like this? He moved a little, and I could feel his chest against my bare arm. His hand cupped my chin to force me to look at him. He was very close. I could even see little sparkles of blue in his pupils.

              “We don't have to do anything, Lily. Don't be afraid of me,” he murmured, his eyes traveling on my face and finally resting on my mouth. I opened it a little and he bit his lower lip.

             
I kissed him and everything felt good, melting away. Everything sparkled. Everything became hot, and he was even sexier than I thought.

              I was on the couch, naked with Gabe. That's it, it’s over, and I didn't want to be all cliché, but I felt different. It was fabulous even if it was a little painful at first and Gabe was fantastic. No matter what happened, I couldn't regret I did it with him.

              “I can't believe my first time was on a couch. The car wasn't good enough for you?” I said breaking the silence. He was teasing the skin of my small back with his fingers. I kissed his chest, making him sigh with delight.

             
“What? Don't tell me this isn't a higher level,” he said in a chuckle. His eyelids were heavy. Mine too.

             
“No kidding around Gabe, but was it ... um ... good for you?” I stuttered. I couldn't believe I stuttered like that. Was I mentally deficient or what?

             
“I think it was quite obvious I wasn't faking, Lily. I am more worried about you.” He frowned.

             
“I didn't fake either,” I replied hiding my burning face against his chest. I was blushing deeply.

              “Hey, don't be ashamed. You were fabulous and even more pretty and hot than usual. I can't believe I waited so long to be with you.” He kissed me. It was just a brush of our lips.

             
“Is it too soon to say that I really care about you?” I asked him, the word love underlined clearly. My heartbeat sped up again.

             
“No, because I really care about you, too.”

             
We were both thinking the word love, but couldn't say it because of his departure. For the first time, I was in love with a guy I couldn't keep in my life, even if I wanted to. We were far too young for a long distance relationship.

             
“Do you think Andy will know what happened?” How many questions have I asked again? Maybe I should shut up.

              “Do you want to tell him?”

Once upon a time, I would probably have told him, but not anymore. He was in love with me, and I’m with his brother. It would be a little weird to talk about it, not to mention unhealthy and uselessly painful for him.

              “No. It's just ... he really knows me.” I was afraid I’d hurt him. I was afraid to lose him for good this time. Everything was so hard.

              “Do you regret it?” He stopped his little caress on my back. I heard his heartbeat increase.

             
“Never, idiot, it was wonderful. You were wonderful. Now that your male ego is boosted, you can understand that I don't want to lose him or want you two to fight again.”

             
He ran his fingers up and down my spine. I shivered. He laughed devilishly in my ear. “Don't worry. Now it's just you and me.”

             
All day, I was on a little cloud. Part of me was still sad of course, but my heart was in orbit. Gabe stayed until late in the afternoon. We did it again, and it was even better. All I could say was that Gabe was an excellent teacher, and we enjoyed practicing a lot. Even on this, we were perfect for each other.

              Tonight will be Chinese food night with my father. He wanted some time to do the bonding thing. I was smiling like crazy when he came back from work with boxes full of my favorite Chinese food. I loved the smell.

              “You're in a good mood, but I'm not sure I want to know the reason.”

I laughed, and I didn't feel bad about it. I still missed my mom a hell of a lot, but I could smile, laugh, and live. I had to and there're good things left here. I was beginning to see it again.

              “Maybe not.” I opened a box and began to eat happily.

             
“Tell me you're being careful.”

I could forget to be discreet. My cheeks burned, and I felt ... Not ashamed because I was glad about what happened, but it was uncomfortable to know that my father knew about something so private.

             
“How was work?”

Like I really cared. He knew it and chuckled, and I nearly strangled him. Maybe this bonding time wasn't a bad idea. This day was really a good one, the first one after her death.

              It was late when my phone rang, but I wasn't sleeping. How would I sleep after the evolution with Gabe? And it was him calling me. We exchanged text messages during my father/daughter night, but nothing else. He called me beautiful and many other things. He was a romantic at heart, and I was beginning to discover it. Who knew? And me, I was really cheesy sometimes. Love transforms people.

              “Hi you, can't sleep?” I murmured in my cell. My dad never sleeps heavy.