Casanova Cowboy (A Morgan Mallory Story) (27 page)

             
“You lied, Ryan,” I said softly. “You promised just
friends
.”

             
He kissed me, shutting down my words, as he cupped my face tenderly with his hands. When he kissed down my neck, I held him tight, closing my eyes, inhaling the scent of his shampoo, his Ryan smell.

             
“I thought I could not want you,” I whispered as I ran my hands down his arms feeling the muscles I had missed so badly.

             
He came back to my lips, kissing me lovingly, as if to say it will be all right. We worked together to take off the rest of our clothes. I could hear his heartbeat and his ragged breathing, intensified by the darkness. When I lay next to him, naked, he ran his fingers lightly down my neck, around my breast, and then tugged at my nipple. Lowering his face he took one nipple in his mouth and sucked.

“Oh,” I moaned as my nipples went hard with desire.

He continued down my stomach slowly, teasing, licking, feeling, making my body burn under his touch. I arched my pelvis toward him longing for him to touch me between my legs. He moved lower and circled my clitoris with his tongue as he slipped his fingers into me. In and out he moved his fingers expertly as he licked me.

“Ryan,” I gasped, my breathing
now coming in pants.

“Um,” he groaned.

As his fingers and his tongue worked their magic I could feel my excitement building and building. I pushed my hands into his hair grasping handfuls as I exploded in orgasm. Once he felt my body shudder he kissed his way back to my lips. I could taste myself on him.

“Um, love that,” he whispered. “
To have you tremble.”  

             
I could feel his hard cock press into me and I guided him in; he was gentle and loving. He was taking his time, making sure it was what I wanted. Giving me time to come back around, making sure I was being satisfied, that the pleasure was building again. He rolled me up the hill slowly and took me to the edge, then pulled me back again, more than once, making me understand that he wanted to prolong it, savor it, make it last.

             
When I felt it was impossible for me to slow down, he took me up and over, and I could feel us both explode into each other. When we finally could catch our breath he relaxed into me, burying his face in my neck. I ran my hands down his back, over his tight ass. I wanted to stay right here, just like this. When he moved beside me, he did so slowly, pulling me to him, holding me tight, still caressing my body.

             
“You lied,” I said again.

             
“I didn’t mean to,” he said tenderly.

Chapter 33

I woke still wrapped in Ryan’s arms. It was almost as if he were hanging on. I smiled, thinking about his image of me in the sail. I needed to pee, but I didn’t want to leave him, the warmth of him for the cold trek across the campground for a pit toilet. I peeled his arms off, and he rolled over with a sigh. I searched through the pile of clothes at the side of the tent for my sweats and tried quietly to put them back on.

             
“You promised me a run, you know,” he whispered, not moving.

             
“I know, I thought you were still asleep. I have to go to the bathroom before anything.”

             
He rolled onto his back and put his arms behind his head. He grinned at me, a sexy look, a satisfied one, his eyes twinkling. I could see his arms and part of his chest and the butterflies went soaring as I recalled our evening. I smiled.

             
“I’ll get dressed, be ready when you get back.”

             
I almost said stay; let’s go round two, but in the light of day I wanted to see what last night had meant. I walked across the campground quickly. The sun was out, but it hadn’t had a chance to warm the air yet, air that bit at me through my clothes. I wasn’t sure how to handle today.
Did I try to talk about it, or not?
I was afraid of his feelings, of getting my feelings hurt again, of expecting something that wasn’t.

I questioned
yet again why I let friendships move into other realms. Why just like with Mathew I’d allowed cross-overs with Ryan, a weird blending of friendship and love, love on my part anyway. I shivered as I opened the pit door and wasn’t certain if it was the cold or my nervousness about the day. I wrapped my arms around myself as I headed back to our campsite.

He
was outside the tent, wearing a white tank top, black sweats, and his running shoes. I admired his body as he stretched out his legs against the bench, his sexy, defined biceps, those arms that held me last night. Arms I wanted to hold me again, but only if things could change. The butterflies inside me quivered with uncertainly.

“Aren’t you cold
?” I asked.

             
“A little. Won’t be when we start running,” he said with a smile. “Get dressed, let’s go.”

             
I crawled back in the tent and put on my running gear. I wasn’t forgoing the sweatshirt like he was. I could tie it around my waist later, wishing I didn’t have it I was sure, but for now I was warm. We walked for a bit and then ran down the side of the deserted highway, keeping pace with each other.

             
“It’s so beautiful,” I puffed as we ran.

             
He didn’t comment. I was running a lot these days, and since I didn’t know how much he’d been running, I didn’t know how far we could go. I figured he wouldn’t stop until I did, so after about forty minutes, I stopped and started walking.

             
“You ready to head back?” he asked, his chest rising and falling as he tried to slow his breathing.

“Yeah
, let’s walk,” I said.

             
My head had spun with thoughts during our run and I’d decided I wanted to talk; I couldn’t not address last night. Thinking back to the sleeping bag scenario made me smile. I understood my feelings for him now, and they weren’t going away. If it meant getting hurt to have an answer, so be it. I wondered why it had taken me so long to get it. To finally figure out that I loved him.

“So what now
?” I asked.

             
We walked quite a ways before he answered me. I waited giving him time to think. Sweat trickled down the side of my face and I reached up wiping it away.

             
“Morgan, I’m still afraid of losing your friendship, your family’s friendship, if it doesn’t work out between us…” he started.

             
The hurt spread through me like water splashed across a smooth floor from a bucket. How I hated that as any form of an answer.
That’s not what I want to hear!
I took off sprinting and ran as fast and as far as I could. I ran gulping in huge amounts of air, panting, but still pushing myself until my lungs burned. My heart felt like it could explode from my chest; only then did I resume walking. I didn’t look back. After several minutes, Ryan caught up to me.

             
“What was that?” he asked confused by my action.

             
“That,” I huffed. “That was my answer to you being afraid.., Fuck that. If we leave here, and we are not a couple, not officially dating, then there is no friendship. It’s done, Ryan.”

I could feel my blood race
; felt it pounding in my head, my nervousness having vanished, anger replacing it.

“
I can’t speak for my mom or my family, but that’s where I am. You make a decision about moving forward or not. I can’t have the feelings I have for you, sleep with you, and then go back to friend status. It’s too painful. It’s plain mean, Ryan, to expect that anymore. So you have between now and when we land at Palomar to decide what you want,” I said, picking up the pace to a jog again.

             
I stared at the broken line in the center of the road, refusing to look at him as he fell in beside me, and we jogged back toward camp.
Broken, broken, broken
went on in my head with each section of line I passed
.
Feelings swirled in me like a kaleidoscope, little pieces of colored glass: anger, hurt, love, and hope. I realized if he didn’t feel the same, there was nothing I could do. It was there or not.

We went about pack
ing up the camp in silence. I’d said what I wanted to, now it was up to him. Ryan rolled up the sleeping bags, setting them on the table, once again separated, and then dismantled the tent. I cleaned up the camp and organized the items on the table. The longer the silence continued, the more I realized this was not as cut-and-dried a decision for him as I thought it should be. The longer the silence went on, the more my heart ached.

Ryan gave me a weary smile as we headed back across the desert towards the plane.
As we picked our way through the rocks, and around cactus and over shrubs I felt a sense of resignation.
I will be okay no matter what
.

“
I’m ready to get home and shower,” I said breaking the silence as we packed the last of the gear into the plane.

             
“A hot shower will feel good,” he said almost shyly.

             
He did his flight check and run-up. I’d only given him one choice with no out, be a couple or nothing and I wondered if I would regret it. As the plane took off, I looked out the window at the campground and our campsite below, and my thoughts raced back in time to so many moments between us.
I couldn’t get sentimental. This was here, now. He either had to grab it, or let it go.

In the cockpit of the small plane the engine noise was intense. Ryan wore his headphones most of the time when he flew unless we were trying to talk. There was a pair for me too, but they were uncomfortable.
We didn’t try to talk today and I stared out my side window at the landscape below. Despite the noise of the engine, the silence was painful, and I couldn’t wait to get home.

I tried to think of
subjects that I could broach, but anything I thought of seemed like it would be trivial and forced, so I didn’t say anything. The plane’s engine hummed in my ears as my mind wandered. Suddenly I heard Ryan talk into the radio and knew he was talking to the Palomar tower.

“Roger,” he
ended and clipped the radio back to its hook.

I could see the runway and the ocean
, cool and blue, beyond. I watched the ground as he circled on his approach. Up in the clouds I felt disconnected from the earth, from my life there. I watched as the ground raced up at us, dreading the hurt that was coming at me. Feeling the wall of ice forming around my heart. He landed the plane, and we taxied back to the flight school. He pulled the plane into its parking space and turned off the engine. I slowly rotated my head to look at him. He took off his headset, setting it in his lap and looked into my eyes. I waited almost holding my breath.

“What if it doesn’t work?” he asked
with trepidation.

I felt my throat tighten
, and a knot form in my stomach.

             
“Then we deal with that then. I understand, Ryan,” I sighed. “It’s a no-win if it doesn’t. But look at it this way, you lose my friendship now or risk love and possibly lose it later. On the other hand, if it does work, we both might have found something.”

His
smile shocked me when it came.

“Ok
ay,” he said, as he leaned over to kiss me. “Let’s go to your house and shower.”

             
I didn’t feel as relieved as I thought I would. I wanted to feel excited, but the fact that I gave him an ultimatum didn’t sit well with me. Now there was a different worry that filled me, a sense of panic that I’d forced him. “Try” I heard Mathew’s voice say.
Is that what Ryan is doing is trying?
When we got out of the van at my place, he put his arm around me as we walked up the stairs. It felt comfortable and warm, the tension from the flight gone. I fished around in my bag for my keys; unlocking the door I pushed it open. Ryan grinned as he pulled me inside and then to him, kissing me.

“See that’s not so bad
,” I chuckled.

             
“It’s never been bad, ever,” he said happily as he closed the front door.

             
“Come on, let’s get in the shower,” I said, taking his hand.

             
When he stripped and stood naked in front of me, I felt my heart beat faster. It seemed we had always been in the dark before. His chest was nice, not too much hair. Ryan’s arms had always caught my eye, and I reached out and ran my hands down them. He had a slim waist and I could see his cock was already starting to get hard. I smiled.

             
“What?” he asked.

             
I looked up into his eyes and saw relief, and I could feel some of my worry wash away, the ice layer melting. He tilted his head to one side in question.

             
“I like it,” I said admiringly, taking his hand.

             
I turned the water on, letting it run to get warm. I leaned into his naked body, kissing him, feeling him. Pressing my body into his.

“I’m sorry I made you
make a decision. I couldn’t go on like we were friends and then more than friends, and back again. When I told you my feelings at Thanksgiving, I knew I was risking losing you, but I felt it was worth the risk. I’m not sure if your feelings are at the same level, but we need to see. We have to move forward,” I said.

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and looked intently into my eyes.

              “It doesn’t mean I’m not worried about this,” he said. “I don’t want to lose one of the best friends I’ve ever had.”

             
His eyes searched mine.

             
“Let’s not think like that,” I said reaching to pull up the tub lever.

The water came shooting out of the showerhead
, and I stepped in, with Ryan right behind me, and shut the glass door.

“Ah,” he said cupping his hands to catch the warm water.

We both stood in the spray, close to one another, feeling the warmth seep into our bodies. I grabbed the bar of soap and lathered it up, pulling him out of the stream. I started at the base of his neck and lathered down his chest, down his arms and his hands, in between his fingers, lingering, holding his hands.

“You feel awful nice Ryan Walker,” I purred.

I brought my soapy hands back to his chest, and then slid them lower over his flat stomach and still lower. I took his hard cock in my hand and rubbed slowly; the slip of the soap making it easy to stoke him. Feeling him that way and being able to look into his eyes made my heart race.

“Um,” he
groaned as he pushed towards me.

He took the soap fro
m me then and started on my shoulders, close to my neck, and massaged slowly up over my shoulders and back again. I could feel the blood race in my body. His touch made me shiver, and he laughed low and sexy.

“I can’t help it
,” I chuckled seeing in his eyes that he’d seen it.

             
“It’s okay, it’s good,” he grinned wrapping his arms around me. “I like it. That little shudder you do.”

             
He slid one hand between us moving it slowly down to my breast. I pulled away from him somewhat freeing his other hand, taking them both in mine and placing them over my breasts. I could see the desire in his face as he kneaded them. I leaned my head back and he ran his fingers around my nipples and then rolled them between his fingers. Then he traced a line between them, down my stomach, and teasingly around my hips cupping my ass. The butterflies launched and were spinning in delight.