Catia (Starkis Family #6) (6 page)

I couldn’t think about it without feeling sick. A year may have passed since I’d been with Catia, but time had done little to lessen my desire for her. I still felt it like a swift kick every time I caught a glimpse of her. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

I snagged a water off a passing waiter’s tray and set my empty beer on it. I would have given anything for another drink, but since that wasn’t an option, I needed something else to do with my hands. I wasn’t usually nervous in social situations, but knowing that Catia was standing a few feet away, chatting up some other guy, had me on edge.

“Fine, we don’t have to talk about it, but you can’t tell me you haven’t thought about it.”

I’d be missing a golden opportunity if I didn’t ask, so I forced myself to mutter, “Why the hell is she doing this, Dustin? Why’d she really come back to New York?”

“Because of you.”

Not what I wanted to hear. I wanted Dustin to tell me she’d been yanking my chain again so I could write her off once and for all without questioning my sanity. “I don’t believe it. Just because she told you and her sister the same story she told me doesn’t make it true.”

“She didn’t tell me anything. She told Kara, and my wife told me.” At my questioning look, Dustin shrugged. “We don’t keep secrets from each other anymore. Cat knows that. If she didn’t want me to know, she wouldn’t have told Kara.”

What I wouldn’t give for a relationship with a woman I could trust the way my friend trusted his wife. That was all I’d ever wanted, but Karen, followed soon by Catia, taught me I was a fool to believe it was possible for me.

“For what it’s worth, Kara believes her, and so do I.”

I normally wouldn’t have questioned Dustin’s instincts. He read people well, but he had a soft spot for Catia that was probably coloring his opinion.

“She would never uproot her entire life unless she was serious about making this thing work with you.”

“Yeah, well, I never asked her to do that,” I said, sneaking a glance over my shoulder. Figures. She was still talking to the slick furniture salesman. “When she left town, I was fully prepared to let her go. She said it was over, that we didn’t have a shot, and I accepted that. If my ex taught me one valuable lesson, it was to take people for what they are ‘cause they don’t change.”

“I changed.”

“What do you mean?”

“When Kara and I were together before, I was a jealous, possessive jerk. I was so insecure, since we were living so far apart, that I tried to pressure her into marrying me. Now I have complete faith in her and what we have. So speaking from experience, it is possible for people to change.”

“Maybe with the right motivation.” But I hadn’t been reason enough for Karen to change, and I wouldn’t be reason enough for Catia to change. Maybe temporarily, but not for the long haul. One day she’d wake up, roll over in bed to look at me, and realize she loved her freedom more than she loved me. I couldn’t handle that.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit, you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know Karen did a number on you,” Dustin said. “It was a shot to the ego, thinking you weren’t able to keep her happy.”

Only one of my closest friends could have said that without receiving a stiff uppercut. “What’s your point?”

“You think if you couldn’t keep Karen happy, who was just the girl next door, what are the odds you could keep Cat happy, right? She’s traveled the world. Dined with celebrities and dignitaries. Got that fancy Ivy League degree and graduated top of her class. You, on the other hand—”

“I don’t need to be reminded of what I am,” I said, glaring at Dustin. Her family had blue blood pumping through their veins, and mine had blue collars wrapping around their necks. I wasn’t ashamed of where I came from. My parents and extended family were the salt of the earth, and I was crazy proud of them, but there was no denying Cat and I came from different worlds.

“Neither do I.” Dustin looked me in the eye. “You’re one of the most successful commercial developers in the country. You’ve succeeded in a market that crushes most people. You’re strong, smart, creative—”

“Don’t feel you have to build me up,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I’m not questioning whether I’m good enough for Cat. I’m questioning whether she’s good for me. And my girls.”

“Ah good, so you haven’t written her off then?” Dustin asked, smiling.

Damn. I’d made it sound like I’d left the door open, and that hadn’t been my intention. Had it? “I’m not interested in a relationship right now. With Cat or anything else.”

“Fine, just remember what I said. If it’s not you, it’ll eventually be someone else. Maybe even our friend over there,” he said, pointing at Ern, who now had Catia wrapped in his arms as the band played her favorite song.

This night had just gone from bad to worse.

***

“I had fun tonight, didn’t you?” Catia asked, concealing a yawn as she kicked off her high heels.

We’d just left the party and were headed back to the hotel. She’d had more to drink than I had, and I was hoping she would just fall asleep. I was in no mood to rehash one of the worst evenings of my life. Watching her cozying up to that guy all night had put me in a foul mood, and she seemed totally oblivious, which only pissed me off more.

“It was okay,” I said when I realized she expected a response. “I mean, Dustin and your sister always put on a great party.”

“But…?”

“Why’d you do that?” I asked, curling my hand around the steering wheel as I coasted to a stop at a red light. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t even mention him, but within minutes of getting her alone, I couldn’t control my impulse.

“Do what?” she asked, looking curious as she bit her lip.

“Flirt with that guy all night. Were you trying to get to me?”

She frowned as though I’d just asked her the answer to a complex math problem. “No, I was being friendly. Ern’s a friend of my sister’s. I thought I should help entertain him since he came alone and didn’t know anyone.”

“So you thought you’d entertain him by dancing with him all goddamn night?”

Those damn blue eyes of hers did me in every time I allowed myself to dwell on them too long, and I tried not to watch them widen in surprise.

“If it bothered you so much, you could have asked me to dance,” she said.

“Did I say it bothered me?” I didn’t have to say the words. I knew my body language must be making it obvious. When she pinched her lips together, obviously trying to hide her smile, I asked, “Are you going to see him again?”

“As a matter of fact, he’s taking me to dinner on Tuesday night.”

“Nice.” I wanted to pull the car over and shake some sense into her, but since I’d insisted I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with her, I didn’t have the right. “So even after that speech you gave me before we left tonight, you agreed to a date with the first guy you met? Good thing I didn’t believe anything you said, isn’t it?”

I was stunned when her eyes filled with tears and she quickly blinked them back. “For your information, it’s not a date. Dustin and my sister are going to be in the city on Tuesday, and we were planning to go out for dinner. Kara suggested Ern join us since she knew there was no way you would.”

Now I felt like a jerk. “Oh.” I should have apologized, but I couldn’t find the words. “But you have to know he’s into you. That was obvious.”

“Yeah, and I told him I’m into
you
. Satisfied?” she asked, crossing her arms.

“But I told you—”

“I know what you told me. So what? Does that mean just because you don’t have feelings for me, I’m not allowed to have feelings for you?”

She had no idea how I felt about her, and if I was smart, I’d never tell her. “Catia, I don’t mean to be cruel, but—”

“It’s okay,” she said, shaking her head as she looked out the window. It was pitch black, so I knew she couldn’t possibly be looking at anything. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I had my chance, and I blew it. I made a mistake. Apparently in your world, that’s not allowed.”

I wasn’t so rigid that I couldn’t understand and forgive mistakes. I did it every day. But this was different. My heart was on the line, and she’d already broken it once. Any man in his right mind would have kept her at a safe distance. “I don’t know what you want from me.”

“Yes, you do,” she said, glancing at me. “But you’ve made it clear you can’t give it. So I’m willing to accept what you can give. Friendship? I assume that’s on the table?”

Could I really be her friend without wanting more? She was a part of my world. Even without having her on my payroll and the risk of running into her at the mailbox, she was a part of my inner circle. I would have been crazy not to at least try having an amiable relationship.

“I don’t hate you, Cat.” I may have come across that way since I still harbored so much bitterness and resentment about the way she’d left town, but I thought it was important to clear up any misconceptions. “I could never hate you.”

“Good to know,” she said softly, reminding me how vulnerable she could be when she let her guard down. “I could never hate you either, no matter how this turns out.”

That meant she was still holding out hope for a future with me. The kindest thing to do would be to set her straight again, but I couldn’t bring myself to deepen the wound. “Maybe if things were different. If I didn’t have my girls to think about—”

“They’re your top priority, of course,” Catia said, shaking her head. “That’s the way it should be.”

If I ever found the courage to try marriage again, the girls would have to learn to share me, but not now, not when they were still reeling from what had happened with their mother. “They’re just going through a rough time, trying to adjust. They’ve never needed me more.”

“And I’m sure you’re there for them.” She reached for my hand but pulled back at the last minute, curling her hands in her lap instead. “Because that’s the kind of man you are. Trustworthy and honest. Reliable.”

She made it sound more like an accusation than a character reference, prompting me to ask, “Is that a problem?”

“Only because someone like you could never understand the choices or mistakes I’ve made. You’re perfect, and I’m… not.”

In my eyes, Catia was pretty damn perfect, but I was just about as far from perfection as a man could get. I didn’t mind the image staring back at me in the mirror every morning, but on the inside, I was a complete mess.

“Is that what you think?” My chuckle was deep, laced with self-recrimination. “You really don’t know me at all.”

“I know you blame yourself for marrying the wrong woman and bringing innocent children into the world.”

I sucked in a sharp breath as pain hit me square in the chest. “I could never regret my girls. They’re my whole world.”

“Maybe not, but you do regret that you couldn’t give them the kind of mom you think they deserve.” She waited for me to respond, but I couldn’t. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe they’re happy with the one they have?”

I scowled at her before hammering the gas to avoid another red light. I suddenly didn’t want to be stuck in this car with her any more than I had to be. “You think a woman who leaves her kids so she can go out and party deserves a second chance?”

“Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance?” Catia whispered.

I knew what she was thinking—that if I couldn’t forgive Karen’s mistakes, I couldn’t forgive hers either—but the situations were totally different. Catia had only hurt me. Even after a dozen warnings, I still chose to be with her. But I’d trusted my ex with the most important thing in the world to me, and she let them and me down. How was I supposed to forgive that?

“Are you implying that I’m hurting my girls by trying to control the kind of relationship they have with Karen?” Before she could answer, I said, “I don’t expect you to get this because you’re not a parent, but it’s my job to protect them. I can’t take a chance that she’d do something stupid and put them in harm’s way again. Is that so hard for you to understand?”

Catia had poked a sore spot with her question, mainly because I’d been wrestling with my own guilt ever since I saw the looks on my daughters’ faces when I told them about the judge’s decision. No more alone time with Mom. No more sleepovers or Christmas mornings…

“I do understand where you’re coming from,” Catia said gently, touching my arm. “I may not be a parent, but I can sympathize with what you must be going through. I know you didn’t make the decision to file for full custody lightly. When you found out about some of the things Karen had done, you had to play hardball.”

“Right.” Even if she didn’t understand or agree with my position, at least she was pretending to.

“What’s it been like since you got full custody of the girls?” Catia asked, removing her hand and crossing her arms. “I mean, what’s Karen been like? Was it a wake-up call for her? Has she made any effort to change?”

I didn’t even think it was possible for that woman to change, no matter how many times she claimed she was seeking help to make sense of the choices she’d made. “I don’t know. I try to limit to my contact with her.”

“How can you do that?” she asked, looking confused. “You’re co-parents. Doesn’t that mean you have to figure out how to coexist?”

“No, anything I have to say to her I can say through my lawyer. That’s why I pay him the big bucks. Besides, I’m the custodial parent. She gave up the right to weigh in on the things affecting them when she decided her social life was more important than her family.”

“Is it possible you’re still punishing her for hurting you?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I asked, pulling into the hotel parking lot and cutting off the engine. “You think I could be so petty and vindictive that I would use my daughters as a weapon against their mother?”

I jumped out my SUV before she could respond. Anything she said would only fan my fury. I just needed to get away from her, to put some much-needed distance between us before I exploded. How dare she call my parenting into question? As though I didn’t know what was best for my girls. As though I was somehow to blame for their current misery.