Clarity 3 (5 page)

A deep frown settles in my face. “Dad, can you please do me a favor?”

“Anything, dear.”

“Go up to my room and put my computer into my backpack, along with the power cord and my phone charger. Also, please put some basic clothes into my suitcase. Some underwear and socks, a few pairs of pajamas, dresses,
shirts, and jeans. And some shoes.”

“
Helen, please don’t go off to the godforsaken middle of nowhere again! Do you need money? I have money for you. I can help you get your own place nearby. I could even live with you if you needed a hand with the chores—or heck, we can kick Carmen and Grayson out of the house and live here together.”

“Dad...”

“Please don’t be so bullheaded, sweetheart. Sometimes you remind me so much of your mother that it scares me. I’m an old man, and I can’t lose you again for so many years, without a word. You’re my favorite daughter. What do you say?”

I release a sigh.
“Please, Dad. I need to get away. I just want to go home. To my home. Can you please do this for me? Leave the suitcase and my backpack on the front doorstep. I’ll be over to pick it up shortly.”

“Helen, won’t you at least talk—”

The elevator dings to signify its arrival. “Gotta go, Dad. Thanks in advance.” I hang up the phone and step forward into the elevator, which I can immediately tell is empty. I scan my finger over the buttons and I’m relieved to find braille beside each one. I hit the button for the lobby. I miserably lean against the side of the elevator, glad to finally be moving. My hangover has returned with full force, and my head is throbbing again. The idea of losing my family again causes tears to prick the back of my eyes—and I try not to think about Liam at all. I just know that it must be done. The elevator does not make any stops to collect other passengers on the way down, and I am grateful for the privacy.

When the doors open
and the elevator announces that we have arrived at the lobby, I clear my throat and straighten myself before stepping out of the cabin. I listen for the sounds of the street, and head in the direction of freedom. People are bustling past me and the lobby is full of strange noises. I had forgotten how difficult it is to navigate in the busy downtown area. I hate crowds. People bump into me at least twice, and I haven’t even reached the revolving doors. Finally, when my fingers do connect with the glass, it takes me a moment to figure out how to exit. The rotating doors seem to be on my left, and they are spinning so quickly that I’m quite certain I’m going to get chopped in half.

I am somehow able to
dart into the rotating doors at the correct time, and dash out on cue as well. I sort of just allow my body to be pushed by the people around me who are rushing around and occasionally snapping at me or making grunts intended to make me feel guilty for not moving faster. I
really
hate crowds. When I am finally out on the busy street, it is even worse. People are moving past me in every direction, and I am overwhelmed by the commotion.

I feel like I am stuck between two colliding schools of fish, and being torn in both directions. I’m not sure
whether I should follow the trout or the flounder. Or stand foolishly in the middle and wait for the piranhas that are chasing the fish to devour me.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” someone shouts. “Move!”

I turn to the man who said these words, because I assume that he’s looking at me. “Can you please tell me where we are?” I ask him.

“
Where the fuck do you think, you dumb bitch? Jesus.” He pushes past me without giving me any information.

I stumble backward a little,
clenching my teeth together disgust at his lack of manners. I am always unlucky enough to run into the worst sorts of people. Did I mention that I really, really hate crowds? I slip my hand into my pocket to feel the cool metal barrel of Grayson’s gun. I doubt I’d ever use it, but it reassures me to know that it’s there. It gives me a small sense of power.

“Are you okay,
sweetie?” says an older woman who kindly takes my arm. “Can I help you?”

“I’m blind,” I tell her immediately. “Could you please
flag down a cab for me?”

“Certainly, dear!” she says at once, moving to the side of the road.
“Hey, buddy!”
she shouts loudly, before letting out a loud whistle. “Over here!”

I smile at her spunk. A moment later, she is taking my
arm and guiding me toward the cab.

“Here you are, sweetie. Be safe!”

“Thank you so much, ma’am,” I tell her kindly as I move to climb into the cab. I am precisely halfway into the vehicle, with one of my feet resting on the ground, and one of my butt cheeks already making contact with the seat, and I am about to slide in further when a strong hand clamps around my arm and pulls me out of the cab. I gasp when I find myself stumbling into a large man’s body. I try to pull away hastily, but I am not used to walking in heels and I find myself tripping over my own feet in my panic. However, it would be impossible to fall because the man effortlessly maintains a strong grip on me.

“Let go of me,
” I demand, trying to twist away like I learned in my judo lessons. I am surprised when he counters my move, and I fearfully stuff my free hand into my pocket. Before I can touch the gun, the large man grabs both of my wrists.

“Winter?
” he says with worry. “Where are you going?”

Relief courses through me
at the recognizable voice and I stop struggling. Only then do I notice the familiarity of Liam’s hands, and the fact that he is holding several large shopping bags which brush against my leg. I would have noticed these details earlier, but I was in too much distress about being caught in a vast swarm of humans.

“Get off her, you sicko perv!” shrieks the little old lady from earlier. She must have noticed Liam pull me out of the cab and rushed back to save me. She pummels him with an item that I imagine must be her purse, because it makes a loud
thwack
which causes Liam to flinch.

“It’s okay!” I tell the old woman kindly, smiling at her efforts. “Thank you for your help, but I know this man. He’s a friend.”

“Oh! My apologies, dear,” says the lady with slight embarrassment, before scurrying away.

“Ouch,” Liam says, rubbing his arm. “At least she didn’t hit my leg. I seem to get attacked a whole lot when I’m around you, Winter.”

“I’m sorry,” I tell him, reaching forward to touch his wounded arm to see if there has been any real damage. When he laughs lightly, I am relieved to see that he has not been hurt in the slightest.

“
You vaunt ride or no?” snaps the annoyed cab driver with a thick Russian accent.

“Yes!” I tell the driver. “Just a second. You can start running the meter.”
Everything is so chaotic with so many people around—there doesn’t seem to be a spare moment. I turn back to Liam and look up to where I believe his face is. I am not sure if I’m glad that he caught me, so that I have a chance to say goodbye, or if I’m upset that I now need to feel the pain of ripping myself away. Either way, my heart flutters in my chest. This is not going to be easy. “I’m going home,” I tell him.

“Home?” he repeats. “To your dad’s? I don’t think that’s safe.”

“No, no. I’m just going to pick up my suitcase from my dad’s and head to a bus station to go back to New Hampshire.” I try very hard to keep my face expressionless and to remain focused. I feel a terrible ache stirring in the pit of my chest, and I realize that I really am going to miss him. I shake the emotions away briskly. “Thanks for everything,” I say softly, before pulling away and moving back into the cab.

“Winter!” Liam says, following after me quickly and taking ahold of me before I can fully enter the cab once again. “
Why? Why are you leaving me?”

His grip on me is tight and desperate. It
almost feels like he wants me to stay. This idea is silly, but the thought almost makes me want to cry. I need to dig up my anger and bitterness to keep me strong. “This isn’t working out between us,” I tell him coldly, “I think you should date a healthy woman. Someone who isn’t blind—but more importantly, someone who isn’t fucked up in the head.”

He seems stunned by my words, and he abruptly releases me. “That’s not fair,” he says. “You’re
just upset. You can’t leave like this or you’ll be filled with regrets. Let’s just take five minutes to relax and sit down and talk about this. After all we’ve been through, you owe me that, at least!”

“I don’t owe anyone anything,” I inform him stubbornly. “
Goodbye, Liam.”

He intercepts me and blocks me from entering the cab.
“What about your eyes?” he demands. “You can’t let petty issues between us ruin this opportunity for you!”             

“Find
another candidate,” I tell him quietly. “I like myself just the way I am. I don’t need to improve for anyone.”
Not even you,
I think inwardly.

“I don’t need you to improve for me, Winter. I just want
to make things easier. I just you to be happy.”

“Please step aside so I can enter the cab,” I tell Liam with a shaking voice.

“No,” he says firmly. “I’m sorry. I’m not letting you walk out of my life. Not like this.”

“You need cabby or no?!” the driver shouts.

“Yes!” I say while Liam simultaneously says, “No!”

“Get in or I leave!” the cab driver says irately. “Other customer waiting.”

“I’m getting in,” I say frantically, trying to maneuver around Liam. For the first time, I am strangely aware of how tall and large he is—he seems to be blocking the entire doorway. The shopping bags hanging from his arm are taking up a lot of space, too. I am growing frantic as I try to push past him. I know that I need to get away this instant to save myself from future humiliation and grief. “Liam, please!” I whisper.

“You said you trusted me,” h
e says, and his voice is full of hurt. “Why would you want to leave?”

I turn my eyes to the ground, feeling guilty and miserable.
“I just need to go. Now.”

“Is girl getting in car?” the cab driver demands

“She isn’t. Thanks, but we no longer require your services,” Liam says to the driver, guiding me back away from the vehicle and slamming the door. The car immediately pulls away.

Now, I really do feel like crying. “Liam,” I say softly as I stand in the street and struggle to fight back my tears. “It was really hard for me to hail that taxi.”

“We had one bad night, Winter.
One
bad night. I know that your first instinct is to run away, but I really care about you. I’m not giving up so easily.” He moves closer to me, and I can hear the rustling as he dumps his shopping bags down right in the middle of the street. A car honks at us, but Liam ignores this and places his hands gently around my shoulders. “I know that you don’t really want to leave. You just got here. At least
try
to give us a chance? I want you to stay more than anything.”

“You could’ve fooled me,” I mumble under my breath.

“What?” he asks.

I’m feeling restless and confined and emotional.
I pull myself away from Liam and walk away quickly. Unfortunately, I walk into the traffic. A car horn blares fiercely at me, and I am quite certain I am about to get bulldozed, but I keep moving forward anyway. I run a little faster, until I find myself in the middle of another stampede of people. I put my hands up to protect my face as the beasts rush by, heading with determination to their destination.

“Winter!” Liam shouts as he follows me. “Are you crazy? You’re going to
get yourself killed.”

I
hold my breath as the mob flocks around me, overwhelmed by the deafening noise, movement, and suffocating smog. The pollution is thick and tangible, stinging my eyes and throat. There are
so
many people. I haven’t been out in the middle of a jam-packed metropolis in years, and the experience is terrifying. It does not seem safe, logical, or healthy to cram so many individuals into such a small space. I am craving the fresh mountain air and a drink of clear water. When Liam catches up to me, he places his hand on my back and says my name.

I turn around
and bury myself into his arms, seeking the shielding power of his embrace. I hate myself for being so weak. “I’m not cut out for this, Liam,” I tell him quietly. “I’m just so worthless here. I can’t even do basic things like cross the street. It’s so loud. I have no idea what’s going on all around me. I just want to be in a simple place, where I don’t need to rely on anyone.”

“
I know that you’re scared to trust people,” he says, placing a hand gently in my hair, “but just bear with me for a little longer. I will try my best to give you the independence that you deserve. More independence than you’ve ever had before. The life you were living was full of fear and restriction. It was peaceful, but it was lonely. Just try to be a little brave, for a little longer, and you could have so much more. You can have a life that’s rich and full of joy—any sort of life you choose.”

“I don’t want to be a burden
on you,” I tell him. “I don’t want to... need you.”