Claudia's Big Break (32 page)

‘Tara, you're leaving. We know my living with you was only temporary. Now you can lease your place properly and get the rent you deserve.'

‘You can't move out. I can't entrust my beloved terrace to strangers! Once I know when I'm leaving, we'll interview for a new flatmate. You'll be in charge. Sort of like a manager, but you will need to look after my garden and keep the place in good working order.'

‘Thanks,' I said, my eyes welling with tears.

‘Now, what are we going to do about Mr Harper?'

I shrugged my shoulders.

‘I'm not going to butt in —'

‘Any more than you already have.'

‘Claudia, love doesn't come along often. I know George was a complete fuck-up —'

‘And Marcus, and Eric, and —'

‘Okay, you're right. There've been a few. But that doesn't mean you should shut yourself off from living life. You fall off the horse, you pick yourself up and get back in the saddle again. That's what we do.'

‘Maybe you do, but I'm not. It's too damn hard.'

‘Of course it's hard, but you can't let real opportunities pass you by. I know how you feel — lost, alone and sad — I've been there. But sometimes you have to give in to your other feelings of excitement, nervousness, lust . . . and take risks.'

I raised my eyebrows.

‘Okay, so you've taken more than your fair share of risks. What harm could taking one more make?'

‘Don't you have a bus to catch?'

28

A
fter Tara left I couldn't settle, so I decided to make the most of the glorious sunshine and the Santorini sights. I walked and walked, hiking up steep cliffs, walking along ancient cobblestones and strolling through tiny hamlets, striding straight past shops and market stalls, only stopping to pat donkeys and admire the occasional garden.

I made my way down to the port, then wandered around to the small pebbly beach nearby. I sat down with a bottle of water and contemplated my circumstances.

Perhaps Tara was right. I had to keep living, moving forward. Though I couldn't switch off my feelings for Marcus, I had to stop feeling so guilty. It wasn't my fault he was a bastard. Yes, I had to take responsibility for my part in our affair but not for his criminal actions. I had to be kinder to myself. This was a wake-up call and I was definitely now wide awake.

I stared back at the huge cliff I needed to climb to get back up to Fira. It'd be easy to lie and say I used my two good legs and walked myself up the hill. But I didn't. I didn't take the donkey option either. I caught the cable car. The one time I'd ridden in a cable car — Taronga Park Zoo, Sydney — I'd felt moments away from disaster, terrified that the carriage would suddenly snap from its support wires and crash to the ground, leaving me at the mercy of marauding orangutans. Despite the absence of apes, my fear today was no less overwhelming. So, instead of enjoying the view, I spent sixteen and a half excruciating minutes gripped to the seat, my eyes firmly fixed on the wires above.

On the walk home, I popped into my favourite stores and picked up essentials for our last night, not that I knew what Sophie or Tara would be doing. In all likelihood, they'd be out on the town with their beaus. That was okay. Perhaps Levi and I could spend the evening together hustling dinosaurs and eating M&M's. He wasn't such a bad kid. In fact, Levi could be a delight when he wasn't fixated on poo or throwing a tanty.

Rather than buying everything in the shop, as I would have done in the past, I limited myself to one packet of pasta, a small tub of olives, one dip, eight dolmades and one mid-priced bottle of wine. Frugal, thy name is Claudia. When I arrived back at the apartment happily not laden with goodies, I felt quite pleased with myself. I'd finally shown some restraint.

Angie and Tara were on the terrace, reading quietly and giggling to each other like a couple of teenagers in love. Their chairs were so close their arms were touching. I stopped and observed as they whispered secrets into each other's ears. I'd never seen Tara like this before, not with Jules, certainly not with Anthony.

Alex was next to them, reclining on a sun lounge, sound asleep and snoring loudly. Nearby, Levi and Harry sat quietly, halfheartedly pushing cars and trucks through dinosaur roadblocks. A couple of empty chip packets and a bowl of half-eaten popcorn sat beside them.

Tara looked up at me. ‘You had the same idea, hey?'

‘What's that?'

‘Gather enough food and drink to feed a small nation.'

‘Err, I did buy a few bits and pieces but not as much as I normally would have. I'm trying to stick to my budget.' I nodded in Levi and Harry's direction. ‘How you guys doing?'

‘Tired,' Levi admitted.

‘I'm not tired,' said Harry.

‘Yes, you are,' Levi replied.

‘I'm not going to sleep, but,' said Harry.

‘Me neither,' agreed Levi.

‘Soph, how's it going?' I asked, dumping my grocery bag on the kitchen bench. She looked great, dressed in a simple white singlet and a multicoloured patchwork skirt with beaded thongs. If I'd seen that skirt hanging in a shop, my first reaction would have been ‘yuk', but it suited her perfectly. Soph could wear a paper bag and still look stunning.

‘Okay. Tea?'

‘Sure.' I was desperate to ask her about Alex but didn't want to pry. Thankfully, I didn't need to. Sophie was happy to divulge.

‘Before you ask, Alex and I haven't had a chance to talk. He's been entertaining Levi most of the day, and when we got back, Tara, Angie and Harry were here, so we spent the afternoon with them. And now Alex is asleep.'

‘Yeah, I heard him cutting logs out there. So what do you think is going on?'

Sophie shrugged. ‘Alex said he missed us.'

‘Clearly! He flew halfway around the world to see you!'

Sophie handed me a mug of tea and we walked out into the lounge room and sat down. ‘I was furious when he barged in here this morning. Angry that he'd invaded my holiday. I felt like he'd come to spy on me. But now that he's been here a while, I don't think that was his intention. When the three of us were at the pool today, it was relaxing and peaceful.' Sophie drank her tea. ‘Levi's beside himself with happiness. It's been nice.'

‘You sound surprised.'

‘Yeah, I keep thinking Alex is going to tell me he's leaving.'

‘Soph, ever since I've known Alex you've been saying he's going to leave you.'

Sophie shrugged. ‘Blame it on the insecurities that come with being a second wife.'

‘Unfortunately, you're always going to be Alex's second wife. You need to get over it.'

‘You are so full of clichés.
Get over it
?'

‘I'm just saying Alex isn't going to leave you.'

‘He left Harriet.'

‘She was having an affair. And if he hadn't left her, you two would never have met.'

Sophie waved me away with her hand. ‘I keep having panic attacks about being alone, and in a of couple of years I'll be forty with absolutely no hope —'

‘Like me!'

‘No, not like you. I have Levi.'

‘Thanks. That makes me feel better.' I took a moment. Sophie could be thoughtless at times, but I didn't take her words to heart. Finally I said, ‘You're being silly. He loves you.'

‘What's all this about?' asked Alex, ambling through the open door from the patio. ‘Who loves my gorgeous wife?'

‘You do!' I jumped up to greet him.

‘Too right,' replied Alex, smiling at Sophie before embracing me in a tight bear hug.

‘How are you, old girl?' he asked, taking a good look at me. ‘I hear you've had a busy couple of days.'

‘Yes, but it's over now,' I said firmly. ‘This is a big surprise. Couldn't bear to be parted from Soph another few days, hey?'

Alex sat down next to Sophie and put his arm around her. ‘Yeah. I missed Soph and I missed my little guy and I wondered what the hell I was doing stuck in an office in the middle of winter, going home to a cold lonely house when I could be drinking ouzo with you guys and swimming with my son in the Mediterranean. So I packed up and came over.'

‘Just like that?'

‘Yep,' said Alex, snapping his fingers.

‘Pity you arrived on our second last day,' Sophie reminded him.

Alex looked down and kissed her head. ‘So, Claud,' he said, ‘what do you think of Sophie heading off to do a design course and working with Tara's mate to become an interior designer?'

‘Great,' I said, pleased at his enthusiasm.

‘Great? It's bloody fantastic,' boomed Alex. ‘I've always thought Soph should do something like that. You've got the gift, babe.'

Personally, I'd always hated the word ‘babe', but when Alex said it, it sounded incredibly sexy and he only ever used it when talking to Sophie.

Sophie looked at him and shook her head. ‘I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself there. But you don't think I'm abandoning Levi, do you?'

‘Honey, Leev should be going to preschool more days than he does. He loves being with friends, and if this new venture makes you happy, then we're all going to be happy. That's all I want.' Alex kissed her again, then got up and walked into the bathroom.

‘“If this new venture makes you happy . . .”' Sophie mimicked.

‘What's up?' I said.

‘New venture, argh. He makes it sound so easy when he talks about happiness.'

‘And?'

‘It's not that easy. You can't just snap your fingers and be instantly happy.'

‘You can if you try.'

‘Really? You try it!' Sophie glared at me and then towards the flushing sound coming from inside the bathroom. ‘Anyway, you're not one to give advice on this.'

‘I'm not giving advice, I'm talking to you.'

‘Yeah, well, you're annoying me.'

‘Sophie, what's the matter?'

She glanced towards the bathroom again. ‘I don't know.'

‘I'll tell you what the matter is, Sophie. Nothing! You just like creating dramas for yourself.' I was trying to control myself but I'd just about had enough. After all, Sophie had a loyal husband who'd flown halfway across the world to spend time with her, she had a healthy, happy son, plus she was rich and gorgeous and was about to embark on a new and glamorous career.

‘That's rich coming from you,' Sophie snapped. ‘You jump from one disaster to the next. You'd think after the wake-up call you got the other day, you'd grow up.'

‘I have.'

‘How? By sticking your head further into the sand and announcing to the world that you're taking a vow of celibacy. Please!'

‘Would you rather I pour salt on my lunch or tip water on my dinner to stop myself from eating?'

‘Stop it.' Sophie slapped the dining table. ‘You're being a complete bitch.'

It was as if she'd slapped me across the face. Sophie had only ever called me a bitch once before — during that fight at high school when I'd found her gobbling chocolates in her bedroom. It wasn't something you called a friend in jest. In no way could it be regarded as a term of endearment, as in, ‘You're a silly old
bitch
, let's have coffee', or ‘You look great in those shoes, you crazy, wacky
bitch
!'.

Was I a bitch? Was I such a bad friend? Granted, I might have neglected our friendship a little over the past year or two but I still loved Sophie and had her best interests at heart — which is why I thought I could tell her some uncomfortable truths.

It took me a moment or two to regain my composure but I did.

‘Maybe, but at least I don't blame everyone else for my unhappiness. You're responsible for your own happiness, Sophie. Don't you get that? I've had enough.'

‘You've had enough? For years I've put up with you! You're hopeless around men, money and moderation of any kind.'

‘Then why are you friends with me?'

‘I'm asking myself the same question. You don't even like kids. Why the fuck did I ever let you be Levi's godmother?'

‘That's not fair, Sophie. I love Levi —' This was starting to get out of control.

‘You? You're not capable.'

‘Don't you dare say that. I love Leev with all my heart. What about you?'

‘I adore Levi. I just hated being a mother. Being different to you and Tara. Being married. I hated it.'

‘What's going on?' It was Alex. ‘What do you mean you hate being married?'

‘I did hate it, Alex. I don't any more,' said Sophie, bursting into tears.

‘I don't understand —' Alex started.

‘No, you wouldn't,' said Sophie. ‘We never talk about it, do we?'

‘Sophie, please don't,' Alex pleaded.

‘Don't what? Don't talk about the fact that sometimes I find myself so repulsive I have to put my head underwater until the feeling goes? Or don't talk about the fact that up until Levi was a year old I wished he'd drown in the bath?'

‘Sophie!' Alex cried. ‘Stop!'

I turned around. Thank God Levi was outside with Harry and hadn't heard a word.

Sophie was crying. ‘I love Levi with all my heart. I really do. I would never hurt him. He's my life.'

‘Then what the hell is going on?' Alex demanded. ‘You're scaring me. You're supposed to be on holiday having the time of your life and instead you're a mess.'

‘Yes, I'm a mess.'

‘I don't mean it like that. What can I do to help you?'

‘No one needs me, Alex. No one has ever needed me. I just fit in with everyone else's life. Yours. Levi's.' She took a breath. ‘I could die tomorrow and no one would care. After a couple of days, you'd all get on with your lives because nobody needs me around.' Sophie collapsed on the sofa and sobbed just as Levi ran in and jumped on her lap. ‘Please don't die, Mummy. I lub you.'