Clouded Innocence (8 page)

“That is good,” she continued to stare out over the rail. I walked up next to her wondering what had her attention.
 

She sighed, “You and Conner seem to be getting along awfully well.”
 

A smile crossed my face before I could stop it. 'Well' was not even the half of it. Incredible. Fantastic. Even spectacular maybe. But well? She looked over at me with a large smile plastered on my face. “Ah! I know that look,” she said reciprocating my smile.
 

I looked up at her before turning my head to try and hide the blush that began to creep across my cheeks.
 

“I was young once too. I know the butterflies, the sweaty palms, and the rapid heartbeat.” She sighed, “But you need to be careful.” I looked up at her. Why was everyone telling me to be careful?
 

“What do you mean?” I asked. I was surprised at how normal my voice sounded when I was feeling so uneasy about this conversation.
 

“Francesca, it is obvious to anyone who looks close enough that you have feelings for the boy.” My heart began to race. I did not think it had been that obvious.
If Lilly knew, then who else knew? My father?
I almost trembled at the thought. “Luckily, your father has been too absorbed in his work to pay attention.” 

Oh, thank goodness!
 The ease I felt was quickly replaced when the thought occurred to me,
if Lilly had been aware of my feelings towards Conner, what else was she aware of?
Now that thought truly frightened me. I was not sure how my father would react, but I was almost certain it would be along the lines of furious if he thought there were improper things happening between Conner and myself
.
 

“Listen to me though,” the joking tone subsided and was replaced by a seriousness that I had rarely heard from Lilly. “If word got out that you were spending so much
... alone
time with Conner,” She looked directly at me and I could see now Steven's lies had never fooled her. Lilly was a smart woman and knew her son well, “no man would agree to marry you. In their thoughts you would be tarnished. Ruined.”

I was shocked. I had never thought of my time with Conner as being inappropriate. I knew it was not proper, but I figured the most that would happen, would be getting reprimanded by my father. Perhaps a good scolding. Maybe even a lecture, but certainly not the ruining my prospects. Not that I wanted anyone outside of Conner. Lilly continued as if she had read my mind. “Whether it is true or not.” I looked down at my hands folded over themselves, resting on the railing.
 

“You know, he leaves at the end of the summer. You may be enjoying your time with him now, but what will happen once he returns to school? You need to think about that, sweetheart,” she whispered the last part as she pushed some of my brown hair behind my ear. Turning she left me alone thinking over her words.

During dinner, I was still lost in my thoughts. Lilly was right. I had not given any thought about what would happen when Conner left. Would he go back to school and forget about me? Was I just some way for him to pass his time? I was so confused. 

I did not glance at Conner during dinner that night. After nights of playful hand holding and accidental touches I knew he was aware of my foul mood. He walked me to my room that night without saying a word. I had debated on telling him not to bother, but truth was I enjoyed being close to him. We stood outside my door as I reached for the knob without so much as a glance, he finally spoke up. “What is wrong Francesca? You have been distant all evening.”
 

“It is nothing,” I replied still not looking at him.
 

He let out a long breath, “Well if you do not tell me what is on your mind, how can I help you fix it?” He questioned with a hint of amusement. He was right, but the problem was that there was nothing to be fixed. He was going to leave and I was going to stay. Finally, I looked up at him trying to hide the pain on my face. I could see fear in his gorgeous blue eyes and I hated myself for putting it there.
 

“Will you meet me at our place tomorrow? I have to go into town with Lilly in the morning, so it would be after lunch.”
 

His brow furrowed as if he was trying to figure out some underlined meaning to what I was saying. I smiled at him reassuringly. After a moment he smiled back, but it did not reach his eyes.
 

“Alright Francesca, after lunch I will be waiting.” He leaned in to kiss me lightly, but I put my hand on his neck pulling him in deeper.
 

Once I finished speaking to him after lunch, this very well could be our last kiss. I was going to make it memorable. I pressed my tongue against his lips until he opened his mouth letting me taste him. I felt my body warm with the pleasure of it. I started to pull back knowing we were walking a fine line, but Conner placed his hand on the small of my back keeping me there. My fingers tangled into his hair. We were completely absorbed with each other, when we heard someone clear their throat.
 

We broke away from each other instantly looking around to see who had caught us. We saw Steven standing in his doorway watching us, which briefly relieved me.
 

He laughed at us, “Can you believe it? I walked right past the both of you and neither of you even noticed. Just lucky it was me and not her father,” he said before closing his door.
 

“Tomorrow then,” Conner stated more than questioned. Without waiting for a reply, he turned and left for his room.

Chapter 10

Love

Lilly and I left early the following morning, skipping our usual breakfast with the men. I trailed behind her from store to store, down the busy streets, completely unaware of what she was looking for or what she was buying. I only wanted to come along so I could get my thoughts straight before speaking with Conner that afternoon. I suppose being alone would have been a better way to gather my thoughts, but I knew there would have been no way for me to avoid Conner if I had stayed at the house. At least this way I was able to get some thinking done. Lilly seemed grateful for the company. She was kind and did not mention anything about our conversation from the day before; even though I was sure she knew that it was what was weighing heavily on my mind. She barely spoke to me, letting me alone with my thoughts, which I was grateful for.

Once we returned home, I excused myself as she headed into the house while I headed into the woods. As I came through the tree line, I saw Conner skipping rocks. I remembered the day after our first kiss. Conner had been on top of me with his body pinning mine to the ground. The warmth of his tongue... The feel of his hands... I shook my head clearing it of those thoughts. That was not what I needed to be thinking about.

My breathing had quickened just thinking about it. Even memories of him affected me. I walked over to the big rock next to the pond and sat down.

Conner looked at me with an amused expression on his face that I just could not help but smile. 

“What?” I asked.
 

“You are not going to splash me again, are you?” He asked raising a single eyebrow at me.
 

I pursed my lips out, “No!” I said rolling my eyes, making him smile at me. Suddenly, all the humor left us and the seriousness took over.
 

“What is it, Francesca? What did Lilly talk to you about yesterday?”
  

I sighed. “What are we doing here, Conner?” He shook his head and turned away, as if he knew where this conversation was heading. “You are going to leave and go back to school. You are going to find some beautiful girl and have beautiful babies and you are going to forget all about me.”
 

“How can you think that?” He spit out the words like they left a bitter taste in his mouth.
 

“Because it is true, Conner,” I emphasized the words while trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.

“You doubt me that much?” He shook his head. His face showed the hurt he felt from my words.

“It is not doubt, they are facts. Once you leave, there is nothing tying you here,” I explained, waving my hands through the air gesturing to our spot.
 

“There is you,” he whispered locking his eyes to me.
 

“It is not enough!” I said spitting each word out. “
I am
not enough.” 

As the words escaped my lips, tears began to stream down my face. Conner walked over to me, sank to his knees and placed his hands on my face forcing me to look at him.
 

“Maybe you doubt me because you do not know the extent of my feelings for you,” he whispered, wiping the tears from my face with his thumb. “You mean more to me, than I ever thought possible. I did not know what happiness was, until I walked off that coach and met you. I did not know something was missing until I held you in my arms,” he said wrapping his arms around my waist. The tears streaming down my face came faster. “I did not know what love was, until I kissed your lips.”
 

I looked into his eyes, and saw no lie. Gently sliding his hand into my hair, he moved my head until my lips met his. They were so warm and sweet, molding to mine. The pleasure inside me grew until I felt I would erupt like a volcano bursting with lava. He carefully pulled back placing quick kisses on my lips. I laid my head gently against his chest. As he held me, I closed my eyes but all I could see was him.

“I know there are many obstacles in our path. I hope you can see past them. Please do not give up on me,” he said, whispering the last words.

Placing a quick peck on my cheek, he stood and left me sitting alone on my rock, in what I would forever remember as
our
secret place.

I stared into the crystal clear water thinking over everything he said. I knew what I wanted. It was Conner. No one else would ever hold my heart the way he did, but there was absolutely no future with him. None. My father would never allow it. To him Conner had nothing to offer. Yet, I could not ignore the draw I had felt towards him that had been there since the beginning. He was like a magnet constantly pulling me towards him. Just to be around him felt natural, right and complete. There was an ease with us. We did not try to be anyone else other than ourselves, unlike when we were out in front of people wearing the masks that were expected of us. He gave me his heart, but was it enough? Could it be enough? I just was not sure.

I sat there contemplating as the sun slowly descended beyond the horizon. I knew I was falling deeply and unstoppably in love with Conner Edwards and that he was something I could not give up.

* * *

Conner was not at dinner that night. He had Steven make his apologizes. I had hoped to see Conner after the way we had left things, but I was left disappointed.

The next day, neither Conner nor Steven were at breakfast. My day dragged on as I held on to the tiniest strand of hope that I would see Conner, but as the day progressed that hope dwindled. I did not see either of them until dinner. Conner took his regular seat next to me, but did not even glance in my direction.

“Good evening Conner,” I said trying to ease the growing tension mounting between us.

“Good evening,” he spoke politely without bothering to look at me, which stung more. I think if his tone had held anger it would have been better than the icy politeness he displayed.

The rest of dinner was similar. He would not speak to me or look at me if he could help it. I hoped that I would be able to talk to him about our situation. I did not like the way things were left between us, but as soon as dinner came to a close Conner excused himself and left. I was so used to him walking me to my room after dinner that I knew I had truly hurt him when he did not even try.

Over the next few days, our interactions were pretty similar. Conner would not blatantly ignore me but he also did not put forth any effort to try to talk to me and if there was a way to avoid me, he did. I knew if I wanted things to change between us I would have to be the one to fix them, after all I was the one who messed everything up. I just did not know if fixing them was the right decision. Conner would be better off with the way things were. He would do exactly as I wanted. He would leave and never think of me again. Perhaps hating me was better. But as each day passed and my interactions with Conner became less and less and the loss I was feeling became more overwhelming. I missed him, but I could not fix things just because I was being selfish. If I did it was because I thought it was the right choice, for both of us.

On day five, I was walking out the front door hoping that if I read a little it would distract me from the images of Conner plaguing my thoughts, when I saw him. I saw his eye quickly glance at me and just as quickly look away as he tried to sidestep around me.

“Conner!” I exclaimed, so full of emotion pushing me almost to the verge of tears.
God how I missed him.

His eyes locked with mine and the pain in his expression made a tear escape my eye. “Conner… I…”

He stepped into me so quickly he startled me by his sudden nearness. His hand found my nape while the other found the small of my back pulling me into him. I gasped as his lips found mine. I threaded my fingers into his hair, pulling him closer hungry for his mouth. His tongue lightly teased mine. I had missed his touch so much. In that moment I did not care that we were out in the open where anyone could see us. I need this. I need him. He kissed me in a way that felt like he was trying to pour everything he felt into that one kiss. The hurt. The love. The desire.

Conner pulled away from me without warning and walked away with haste.

The rest of my day, which I had hoped would be spent avoiding thoughts of Conner was instead spent obsessing over them
. He kissed me. Why had he kissed me?
After the way he had avoided me the last few days then instead of talking to me, he kissed me. I did not see Conner the rest of the day and at dinner he was another no show. I knew he was avoiding me
again
. I did not want to hurt him but it seemed no matter how hard I tried it just kept happening. Steven said Conner had not been feeling well. I could feel the weight of Steven's gaze on my face, telling me he believed I was the reason Conner was not there. And I was sure he was right.

After dinner, I excused myself to the library. I picked up one of my favorite books, Pride and Prejudice. I had read it several times over the years, but that night was the first time I ever really contemplated the story. Elizabeth was in love with Mr. Darcy, but through her own foolish pride she would not be with him or really even fully admit to herself her feelings because she could not set aside his offenses against her family. If she had, she could have been happy so much sooner. But then there would be no story.

Was I being foolish with my feelings towards Conner? I was not being prideful, like Elizabeth. I was trying to avoid getting hurt. My feelings for him were already overwhelming. The more we pretended we might actually have a future together, the more pain we would both inevitably feel.

I thumbed through a few pages, but I could not focus. My sight was locked on the book shelf were Conner and I had been absorbed in each other’s embrace. I kept remembering the time my father almost caught Conner and I there. Then I thought what if he had? How beastly would his reaction have been? Pretty dreadful, was my assumption. I had not realized how quiet the house had become. It was late. Everyone seemed settled down for the night. I put the book back on the shelf then randomly selected one I had not read, and headed to my room, hoping this new story would give me something else to occupy my mind. Pride and Prejudice certainly had not done the job.

I changed into my night gown and crawled into bed. I laid there with the book open in my lap, paying it no attention. My thoughts began to drift to one of the last conversation with my mother before she passed.

* * *

One of the maids came to me telling me that my mother was asking for me. We knew she did not have much time left and I thought that the moment had come. I knew my mom had asked for me to stay away. She had wanted me to remember her the way she had been not the way she looked sick. I was so enthused that she had changed her mind so I rushed through the house to make my way to her.

“Mother?” I asked cracking the door to her room. I saw her lying in her bed. Her brown hair was matted to her head. Her face was shrunken with the illness. Gone was her usual cheerful exuberance. She looked to be sleeping when her eyes opened without warning and locked on me.

“Francesca? Come here darling.” Her voice came out barely above a whisper. She held her hand out to me, but immediately dropped it. I knew her strength was failing. I made my way into her room. There was a chair resting beside her bed. I am sure it was set there for my father’s visits. He had barely left her side. “Darling, I wanted to talk to you.” She opened her hand to me. It was awkward trying to hold it from the chair so I stood taking a seat next to her on the bed. “I am so sorry sweetheart. I had hoped to have a lifetime with you.”

“Do not say that mother. You are going to be fine.” I knew it was a lie, but I hoped if I said it out loud then perhaps it would make it true. It had been childish, but nevertheless, I said it anyways, with hope that I refused to give up.

She smiled sadly, “I hope you are right, but there are things I want to tell you.” She pulled me down next to her so we were lying side by side just like we had when I was little. “Never be anyone other than yourself. There will be people who will try to get you to change yourself, never listen to them. You are perfect the way you are.” She began to cough but quickly calmed herself. “One day you will meet a boy and you will fall for him so hard. I know how much you will want to be with him, but if he cannot accept you for who you are then he is not the right person for you.” She turned to smile at me, “When the right person for you comes along, you will know. You will feel it here.” She said pressing softly over my chest. “Listen to it and it will guide you.”

“What if I need you?” I tried to be strong but I could not hold back the tears that began to streak down my cheeks.

“Oh, you will sweetheart and I will always be with you. Whenever you need me, just talk to me like you do now. I will not be able to speak back to you but you will know what I am saying.” 

“I will miss you.” I threw my arms around her.

“I know,” she rubbed my hair, “I will miss you too. Just remember to always listen to your heart. It will never lie to you.”

* * *

Perhaps I was over thinking everything. No, I knew I was. From the moment I had met Conner he had been an unstoppable force in my life changing me for the better. He sparked something inside of me, something that was undeniable. I knew I was attracted to him but there had always been something else. Something more. He was not the first handsome face I had seen. He was just the first to ever draw my attention.