Come as You Are (57 page)

11.
 This number has been replicated multiple times, using multiple methodologies, in multiple studies, including Kinsey’s female volume and
The Hite Report.
The highest rate of penetration during masturbation I’ve seen comes from a 2007 study where women responded to the statement, “I use vibrators or introduce some objects into the vagina”; 21.4 percent said yes at least sometimes (Carvalheira and Leal, “Masturbation Among Women”). It’s important to note that vibrators are typically used externally; Davis, Blank, Lin, and Bonillas (“Characteristics of Vibrator Use among Women”) found that 3 percent (3 out of 115) of women masturbated with a vibrator “primarily” in their vaginas and 24 percent (36/115) with the vibrator on “various genital sites,” which might include the vagina; 14 percent (11 out of 79) reported primarily an “in and out” movement of the vibrator; and 79 percent of women reported that clitorial-vibrator stimulation during solo masturbation “usually or always resulted in orgasm,” 30 percent reported that vaginal-vibrator stimulation did so.

In addition, according to Hite (1976), 1.5 percent of women masturbate exclusively with vaginal penetration; 5 percent of women always enter their vaginas during masturbation; 1 percent penetrate the vagina at orgasm, with one hand also stimulating the vulva; another 1 percent penetrate the vagina to obtain lubrication. Kinsey et al. (1953, 161) note an anatomical distinction between the vagina and the introitus:

Many of those who reported “vaginal penetrations” in masturbation failed to distinguish the vestibule of the vagina (which is well equipped with nerve endings) from the vagina itself (which is poorly equipped or devoid of nerve endings). In many instances, the female’s fingers had been inserted only far enough beyond the musculature ring which lives at the vaginal entrance (the introitus) to provide a firm hold for the rest of her hand while it was stimulating the outer portions of her genitalia.

12.
 This is another number that has been replicated using multiple methodologies for the better part of a century. For a thorough review, see Lloyd,
Case of the Female Orgasm
, and Levin, “The Human Female Orgasm.”

13.
 Wallen and Lloyd, “Female Sexual Arousal.”

14.
 For a thorough review of the G-spot research, see my article at
https://medium.com/@enagoski/the-definitive-answer-to-the-question-does-the-g-spot-exist-5d962de0c34c
.

15.
 See, for example, Glickman and Emirzian,
The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure.

16.
 Certainly there are those who disagree with Lloyd’s conclusion—the authors of the other twenty-one theories she rejects, just for a start.

17.
 Meston et al., “Women’s Orgasm.”

18.
 Colson, “Female Orgasm.”

19.
 Graham, “DSM Diagnostic Criteria.” In a study of a random sample of Australian women, 8 percent reported “difficulty plus distress” (Hayes et al., “ ‘True’ Prevalence of Female Sexual Dysfunctions”); in a study of a large population sample, 10 percent of women reported “difficulty plus distress” (Witting et al., “Correlated Genetic and Non-Shared Environmental Influences”); of seventeen thousand Flemish women, 6.5 percent reported “orgasm dysfunction” (Hendrickx, Gijs, and Enzlin, “Prevalence Rates of Sexual Difficulties”).

20.
 Armstrong, England, and Fogarty, “Accounting for Women’s Orgasms.” What was the best kind of stimulation for orgasm with a new partner? Stimulating your clitoris with your own hand.

21.
 Stroupe, “How Difficult Is Too Difficult?”

22.
 Read, King, and Watson, “Sexual Dysfunction in Primary Medical Care,” found 7 percent in a general clinical sample.

23.
 Simons and Carey, “Prevalence of Sexual Dysfunctions,” found 7–10 percent in their review of research. Note that 80 percent of women with “lifelong” anorgasmia are effectively treated with psychological interventions (Heiman, “Psychologic Treatments for Female Sexual Dysfunction”), which is one of several reasons that I suspect that the number of women with truly lifelong anorgasmia is substantially less than 5–10 percent. For a more comprehensive review of this issue, see my blog post at
http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/07/17/women-never-orgasm/
.

24.
 Kingsberg et al., “Characterization of Orgasmic Difficulties.”

25.
 Wellcome Science, “Lie Back and Think of Science.” Half of the research participants not wearing socks achieved orgasm, but that number went up to 80 percent when they kept their socks on.

26.
 Kylstra, “10 Lessons About the Female Orgasm.”

27.
 Toates,
Motivational Systems
, 159.

28.
 Wilson, Delk, and Billups, “Treating Symptoms.”

29.
 Herbenick et al., “Prevalence and Characteristics of Vibrator Use.”

30.
 Marcus, “Changes in a Woman’s Sexual Experience.”

nine: meta-emotions

1.
 Sacks,
Hallucinations
, 88–89.

2.
 Ellin, “More Women Look Over the Counter.”

3.
 Sakaluk et al., “Dominant Heterosexual Sexual Scripts.”

4.
 Baer, “Construct Validity of the Five Facet Mindfulness Questionnaire.”

5.
 Ibid.; Van Dam, Earleywine, and Danoff-Burg, “Differential Item Function”; Baer et al., “Using Self-Report Assessment Methods”; Silverstein et al., “Effects of Mindfulness Training.” (This last paper concludes, unaccountably, that interoception—awareness of one’s body—is what made the difference, even though the “observe” factor did not change significantly and the “nonjudge” factor changed the most significantly.)

6.
 Hoge et al., “Mindfulness and Self-Compassion in Generalized Anxiety Disorder.” In a similar study of both anxiety and depression, this one comparing the Mindful Attention Awareness Scale (MAAS) and the Self-Compassion Scale referred to in chapter 5, self-compassion was a better predictor than mindfulness—awareness alone, that is—of quality of life (Van Dam, Sheppard, Forsyth, and Earleywine, “Self-compassion is a better predictor”).

7.
 Mize and Iantaffi, “Place of Mindfulness in a Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Intervention.”

8.
 Gottman and DeClaire,
The Heart of Parenting
, 21–22; Gottman,
Science of Trust.

9.
 Similar ideas about setting better goals are suggested in the model of “Good Enough Sex” (GES) developed by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy and described in their book
Enduring Desire: Your Guide to Lifelong Intimacy.
To maintain sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships, GES emphasizes realistic expectations, broader ideas about playfulness and satisfaction, flexibility, variability, asynchrony (not experiencing the same thing at the same time), and understanding your partner’s “erotic flow pattern.” McCarthy and Wald, “Mindfulness and Good Enough Sex”; Metz and McCarthy, “The ‘Good-Enough Sex’ Model.”

index

A note about the index: The pages referenced in this index refer to the page numbers in the print edition. Clicking on a page number will take you to the ebook location that corresponds to the beginning of that page in the print edition. For a comprehensive list of locations of any word or phrase, use your reading system’s search function.

Page numbers in italics refer to illustrations

Abusive relationships,
75
,
134
,
283
,
304
–5

Acute stressors,
120

Additive integration,
283
,
284

Akin, Todd,
210
,
357
n
20

Alternate initiation technique,
252
–53

Ambulatory laboratory study,
212
–13

American Psychiatric Association,
45
,
231

Amygdala,
84

Anatomy,
15
–41

changing one’s view of,
37
–38

of the clitoris,
17
,
20
–23,
22

of the hymen,
27
–29

importance of appreciating variation in,
34
–37

intersex,
32

medieval beliefs on,
16
–17,
205

of the penis,
21
,
22

pre-birth development of,
18
–20,
19

terminology in,
29

of the vulva,
26
–27,
27

Anger,
250
–51,
315
–16

Animal studies.
See
Bonobo copulation, images of; Monkeys, studies involving; Rats, experiments involving

Anorgasmia,
45
,
280
,
364
n
24

Anus,
19
,
27

Anxiety,
60

Anxious attachment style,
139
–40,
141

Approach behaviors.
See What’s this?
behaviors

Aristophanes,
131

Arousal

desire, context, and,
226
–29

in the dual control model,
4
,
51
–53

in the triphasic model,
45

Arousal contingency,
53

Arousal nonconcordance,
3
,
6
,
191
–222,
195
,
294

changing one’s attitude toward,
325

errors about,
202
–13

measuring and defining,
193
–97

medication and,
213
–15

nonconcordance in other emotions,
199
–201

orgasm and,
269

resolving problems generated by,
217
–20

Art,
122

Asexuality,
348
n
5