Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (16 page)

A
nyone with a critical spirit is an expert at
finding
fault and
focusing
on it. Unfortunately, faultfinders seldom find anything else! Piles of mud balls are strewn throughout their ditch of disapproval, and at the opportune moment…ready…aim…fire! They pop up and hurl one derogatory comment after another.

A critical spirit does not reflect the heart of the wise, nor does it reflect the heart of God. Jesus said, “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him” (Matthew 12:34-35).

— A critical spirit is an excessively negative attitude with harshness in judging.

— A person with a critical spirit gives unfair criticism by faultfinding, nit-picking, carping, quibbling, and complaining.

— The Bible is clear about those who are judgmental:

“You, then, why do you judge your brother?
Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat”

(R
OMANS
14:10).

— A caring spirit is a thoughtful, attentive attitude with a heart to help.

— One of the most important needs we all have is for someone to care about us, someone to be attentive to our dreams and disappointments, our joys and sorrows, our successes and failures, our strengths and weaknesses, our vices and virtues. How blessed we are when we have caring people in our lives!

— Those who have a caring spirit reflect the heart of our caring Savior.

“The L
ORD
is good, a refuge in times of trouble
.
He cares for those who trust in him”

(N
AHUM
1:7).

Those who take a critical view of others are usually unaware of the extent of their negativity. Seeing their critical spirit contrasted with a caring spirit is most helpful.

A critical spirit most commonly is birthed in a home environment where criticism abounds, where parents model a critical spirit before their children. Then, after growing up in an atmosphere where criticism is daily fare, the child carries on this spirit into adulthood (see Proverbs 27:3).

To keep from being attacked, those who are unjustly criticized often stay on the attack. Harsh words can quickly hurt the hearts of both children and adults; therefore, as a form of self-defense or revenge, this can explain why
hurt people go on to hurt people!
¹
Jesus addresses our times of hurt and what we need to do:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also”

(M
ATTHEW
5:38-39).

Isn’t it interesting how shifting the blame to God or someone else is much easier than taking responsibility for our own wrong choices? We all have three inner needs: love, significance, and security.
²
Criticizing someone else makes us feel a sense of significance—a sense of power, at least for the moment.

“My sense of significance is enhanced when I point out the wrongs of others. Like riding a seesaw, the more I push others down with criticisms, the higher I rise above them, and the more powerful I feel. The fact that I am right justifies my criticism of others.”

However, the Bible says, “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things” (Romans 2:1).

“When I am critical of others, I am only exposing my own sin. God thought I was significant enough to create me with His plan and purpose for me. Because Christ lives in me, continually extending His mercy toward me, I will reflect His mercy by caring for the hearts and lives of others rather than criticizing their attitudes or actions” (1 Thessalonians 5:14-15).

Perhaps you’ve been convicted of caustic criticism and you no longer want to be a “ditch dweller,” slinging your derogatory mud. Begin now to climb out of the ditch
one kind word at a time
…and you’ll find yourself on the path to recovery and peace.

— Humble your heart to see your own sin, your imperfections, and your immense need for God’s mercy.

— Help others see their significance in God’s eyes.

— Pray, “Lord, may I see my sin as You see it; may I hate my sin as You hate it.”

— Look closely at the life of Christ to learn His compassionate way of confronting the truth.

— Pray that you will not be a critical stone thrower, but a compassionate need-meeter.

— Don’t listen only to what people say on the surface. Listen for the needs and feelings beneath the surface—feelings of being unloved or feeling insignificant or insecure.

— Pray that God will give you a discerning spirit as you seek to draw others out.

— Realize that everyone has an innate fear of rejection and a deep yearning for acceptance.

— Choose to be a channel through which God extends His acceptance to others.

— Treat every person, especially the one most problematic to you, as someone with God-given worth. The truth judges our hearts, attitudes, and actions toward others.

— Pray that the Lord will not allow you to despise anyone whom He created and loves.

— Avoid the temptation to try to catch people doing something wrong. Instead, comment on what they are doing right.

— Pray that you will see something positive in every person, then faithfully make that your focus.

— Pray that you would see others as God sees them and value them as He values them.

— Consider the fallacy of saying, “Talk is cheap.” Talk is costly when it tears others down. Prayerfully consider the possibility that what you are criticizing in someone may be something God wants to deal with directly, and that God may want you to pray and remain silent.

— Before speaking words of criticism, ask a wise friend to evaluate the content and tone of your words. Realize that after critical words are spoken, you can never take them back.

— Inspire those who need to change by sharing with them your belief that they can change. Encourage them by saying, “Don’t give up. Trust God to guide you in the way you should go. I know you can make the right decisions. I believe you can experience God’s best.”

— Present your words to God as His instrument for good, and pray that He will put His words into your mouth.

— Instead of judging the inappropriate actions of others, seek to understand the need behind each action.

— Realize that people who speak forth cutting words reveal that they have unmet inner needs (for love, significance, or security).

— Realize that people don’t always mean what they say nor understand their own deepest needs.

— Pray that your critics will allow the Lord to meet their deepest inner needs.

— Seek God’s wisdom by reading a chapter a day from the book of Proverbs.

— Write down every verse from Proverbs that pertains to the tongue. Check your words against this list and see if you are being wise with what you say.

— See God at work in every circumstance and trust Him for wisdom to know how to respond (wisdom is the ability to look at life from God’s point of view).

— Pray that God’s Spirit will teach you spiritual truths and lead you to speak these truths in love.

“This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
2:13).

Is there anything that could totally eradicate all judgmental attitudes—every single critical spirit? Yes! If every person would live out these few words of Jesus:

“Do to others as you would have them do to you”

(M
ATTHEW
7:12
NRSV
).

People with a critical spirit look like kids on a big see-saw. They push others down just to elevate themselves.

—JH

Proverbs 18:21

Proverbs 11:12

Romans 2:1

Psalm 139:23-24

Romans 15:7

Proverbs 15:1

Ephesians 4:29

Luke 14:11

Philippians 4:8

1 Thessalonians 5:11

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Anger, Codependency, Depression, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family, Forgiveness, Habits, Hope, Identity, Manipulation, Marriage, Rejection, Self-worth, Verbal and Emotional Abuse, Victimization, Worry
and other related topics.

T
hey are subtle, secretive, and seductive, luring people away from friends and family, and
fundamental truth
. They prey on people’s emotions, promising unconditional love and spiritual fulfillment. But their beliefs and practices distort what the Bible says about God and His divine purposes.

Those who are ensnared by cults wind up in a ditch of deception, thinking it is the closest thing to heaven on earth. And they believe the only people who can meet their emotional needs are their fellow ditch dwellers.