Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (51 page)

—
Validate each child by refusing to show favoritism
. Be fair and do not show more love to one child than to another. “Don’t show favoritism” (James 2:1).

—
Encourage and affirm each child daily
. Offer praise regularly for little things as well as big things. Let your children know they do not have to seek your approval, but that you love them unconditionally and are grateful to God for them (Psalm 127:3).

—
Model repentance and forgiveness
. When you sin
in the presence
of your children, ask forgiveness in front of them. Then demonstrate your change of behavior. When you sin
against
your children, ask their forgiveness, and then change your behavior toward them, “I was wrong when I __________. Will you forgive me?” (Matthew 5:23-24).

—
Establish reasonable age-appropriate boundaries with rewards and repercussions
.
³
Determine
rewards
for your children when they stay within the boundaries, (such as increased time with friends) and
repercussions
when they cross the boundaries (such as decreased time with friends). Tell them you want them to be with their friends, but they will determine whether they receive a reward or a repercussion (1 Thessalonians 4:1).

—
Enforce boundaries consistently
. Be true to your word. If you are not able to discipline at the time of disobedience, enforce the repercussion at a later time (Proverbs 19:18).

—
Learn to deal appropriately with your strong emotions, including anger and sadness
. You are your children’s role model for emotional well-being and healthy relationships. Children of angry parents generally perceive God as harsh and filled with anger (Colossians 3:8).

—
Base your discipline on love, never anger
. Discipline because your children need it, not because they have hurt or angered you. Make it clear that you reject the behavior, not the child (Revelation 3:19).

Remember that your child is a temporary gift from God.
⁴
Just as arrows are made to be thrust from a bow, children are created to soar on their own. The more you pray and trust in God’s personal involvement in your child’s life, the less possessive and reluctant you will be to release your child into His hands.

—
Let go
of seeing your child as an extension of yourself.

—
Let go
of your desire to possess your child.

—
Let go
of your expectations for your child.

—
Let go
of jumping in to save your child from failure.

—
Let go
of seeking harmony at all times.

—
Let go
of your need to be appreciated.

—
Let go
of parenthood as your primary identity.

“Sons are a heritage from the L
ORD
, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth”

(P
SALM
127:3-4).

Kids are like kites—struggling to become airborne, yet needing stability from the string. God designed your role as a parent to prepare your kite for flight.
⁵

—JH

Ephesians 6:4

Proverbs 29:17

Deuteronomy 6:6-7

1 Timothy 3:4

Proverbs 22:6

Proverbs 19:18

Proverbs 13:24

Proverbs 17:6

Titus 2:4-5

1 Thessalonians 2:11-12

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Anger, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Dating, Decision Making, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family, Fear, Financial Freedom, Forgiveness, Grief Recovery, Guilt, Hope, Lying, Manipulation, Marriage, Reconciliation, Rejection, Self-worth, Sexual Integrity, Stress Management, Suicide Prevention, Worry
.

M
isunderstood…criticized…ridiculed? Do you have a persistent, irrational fear that just won’t go away? It’s excessive, out of proportion to the actual degree of threat, and it’s affecting every area of your life—curtailing activities and suffocating joy. People in this ditch are deathly afraid, huddled in a corner, fearful that no matter how high the ditch walls, they won’t escape the threat. Whether it’s a formidable fear of elevators, spiders, or something else, one thing is certain: God wants to empower you to move from the pandemonium of panic to peace. He says,

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”

(I
SAIAH
41:10).

This type of phobia is a persistent excessive fear when in the presence of, or in the anticipated presence of, a specific object or situation.

Examples of feared objects:
elevators, spiders, knives, snakes, cats, fire, insects

— Zoophobia is the
fear of animals
characterized by a sense of danger even in the presence of nonthreatening animals.

Examples of situations:
flying, heights, darkness, driving over bridges or through tunnels

— Acrophobia is the
fear of heights
characterized by feelings of extreme insecurity and of falling even when there is no danger of doing so.

— Claustrophobia is the
fear of closed spaces
characterized by a sense of being smothered in a confined environment.

This is fear of embarrassment. This type of phobia is characterized by the paralyzing fear of appearing stupid or being judged as shameful in a social situation.

Examples:
A persistent fear of initiating and maintaining a conversation, eating in public, attending a party; also, a persistent fear of performance situations such as stage fright and fear of public speaking.

This phobia is the fear of having a panic attack in a place where escape could be difficult or embarrassing. It comes as a result of repeated panic attacks and is the fear of having yet another panic attack. Therefore, any situation that could cause a sense of panic is avoided.

Example:
Being so afraid of having a panic attack in a public place or in a strange place that a person becomes homebound or even room bound.

“I so feared the crowd and so dreaded the contempt of the clans that I kept silent and would not go outside”

(J
OB
31:34).

“Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me”

(P
SALM
55:5).

Hyperventilation goes hand in hand with those suffering from anxiety. Hyperventilation is shallow, rapid breathing that reduces carbon dioxide in the blood, which then produces lightheadedness, dizziness, tingling of the extremities, palpitations of the heart, and feelings of faintness and respiratory distress. At the onset of rapid breathing, which serves as a warning signal, these symptoms can be stopped by any of the following techniques:

— Take slow, deep breaths and hold the air in your lungs for several seconds…then slowly release the air.

— Place the open end of a paper bag around your nose and mouth. Breathe normally into the bag, being sure to breathe in the same air being expelled.

— Place a blanket or sheet totally over your head, increasing the amount of carbon dioxide being taken into your lungs and warding off the frightening symptoms produced by too little carbon dioxide in your blood.

Those experiencing a panic attack feel as though they will die. Therefore, knowing what to do at the onset will greatly minister to the hearts of those who are suffering. Proverbs 23:12 says, “Apply your heart to instruction and your ears to words of knowledge.”

Phobias do not appear in a vacuum. Something set you up to be controlled by fear, and something serves to trigger that fear. The setup occurred in the past, while the trigger occurs in the present. Here are the key contributors to F-E-A-R:

F
Former Experiences Are Typically…

—
Traumatic experiences:

Childhood sexual abuse or rape

Car accident or death of a loved one

—
Scare tactics used on you by others:

Threats of violence by a parent, sibling or others

Fear-producing pranks, stories, movies

—
Caused by an underdeveloped sense of self-worth:

Neglect, criticism, ridicule

Poor school performance

—
Parents or family members displaying excessive fear:

A father who was a constant worrier

A mother who was fearful and overprotective

Analyze the reason for your fear…then tell yourself the truth about the past and the present.

“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place”

(P
SALM
51:6).

E
Emotional Overload

—
Denying feelings:

“I must not show my pain.”

“I must not have any anger.”

—
People-pleaser mentality:

“I must keep everyone from getting angry.”

“I must keep everyone happy.”

—
Internalizing stress:

“I have a lot of hidden anxiety.”

“I have no outlet for venting my emotions.”

—
Strict or perfectionist authority figures:

“I never pleased my parents.”

“I received harsh punishments.”