Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (50 page)

(P
HILIPPIANS
1:6).

Although you may have failed in the past, with God’s help, you don’t have to fail in the future!

Choose to…

— give control of your life to the Lord Jesus Christ

— change your eating through the power of Christ within you

— live to please God, not to please your appetite

— make wise choices when tempted to eat unwisely

— make right choices when tempted to eat excessively

— glorify God and reflect Him through your body

— focus not on food but on faithfulness to the Lord in your life

— let God be your God—don’t let food be your God

There is only one true God.
If food is your god,
then God is not your God.

—JH

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
10:31).

Proverbs 25:28

Proverbs 15:32

Romans 8:5

Romans 12:1

Romans 14:20

Matthew 6:25

1 Corinthians 6:12

1 Corinthians 10:31

Philippians 4:13

2 Peter 1:3

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Alcohol and Drug Abuse, Critical Spirit, Depression, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family, Fear, Grief Recovery, Guilt, Habits, Hope, Identity, Marriage, Rejection, Self-worth, Stress Management, Victimization, Worry
.

T
he painted lines on a road form boundaries that help ensure the safety of all drivers. At times we see solid lines that indicate no passing is allowed. At other times the lines are not solid, which allows drivers to pass, but with caution. Beyond the solid lines along the edges of a highway we find additional boundaries, such as rough pavement, guardrails, and medians that shield us from embankments, cliffs, or travelers going the opposite direction. Likewise, in life, parents are to delineate the boundary lines for their children, helping to map out a safe route as the children journey from infancy to independence, and steering them clear of the ditches of rebellion and regret. Though no job is more difficult, no reward is more fulfilling than to see your child grow “in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men” (Luke 2:52).

People parent their children differently, and your method of parenting greatly affects the development of your children, as well as their behavior. There are five main parenting styles: domineering, doting, dependent, detached, and developing. The first four approaches are problematic. The fifth style reflects God’s heart on healthy, constructive parenting.

Domineering
parents seek to control a child’s behavior. These parents tend to think in black-and-white terms and may be controlling, inflexible, critical, and performance-oriented (versus people-oriented). Consequently, their children may become rebellious, fearful of failure, overly sensitive to criticism, bitter, and underachievers or overachievers.

(Colossians 3:21)

Doting
parents seek to control a child’s feelings. These parents yield easily to pressure in their desperation to achieve family harmony. They tend to be too helpful, “rescuing,” and overprotective. Consequently, their children often become spoiled, manipulative, disrespectful, irresponsible, and helpless.

(Proverbs 13:24)

Dependent
parents seek to control a child’s behavior and feelings. These parents tend to be possessive, manipulative, suspicious, inconsistent, and controlling. Consequently, their children may become fearful, deceitful, jealous, indecisive, and passive.

(Jeremiah 17:5)

Detached
parents seek to avoid responsibility for a child’s failures. These parents lack boundaries and follow-through and tend to be apathetic, ambivalent, and uninvolved. Consequently, their children tend to be self-sufficient, emotionally hardened, rebellious, insecure, and underachievers.

(1 Timothy 3:4)

Developing
parents seek to teach a child and develop his or her character. These parents are loving, encouraging, comforting, and sincere. As a result, their children grow up secure, confident, compassionate, honest, and wise.

(Luke 2:40)

A basic understanding of child development, along with the art of positive disciplining, will help you to become the parent God wants you to be.

Infants (Bonding Stage):
Infants’ needs are met by forming an attachment to their parents. Help your child feel secure with tender caressing and cuddling. Infants cannot understand spiritual concepts, but can be influenced by the overall spiritual atmosphere within the home. Pray over your child and fill your home with Christian music.

Toddlers (Exploration Stage):
Toddlers are intensely curious, unaware of danger, and eager to explore their world. Encourage your child’s curiosity in a protected environment. Toddlers begin to separate from parents by being independent and saying no. To support your child’s separation, do not overreact or squelch his or her spirit.

Preschoolers (Testing Stage):
Preschoolers push against your rules to test the limits. To establish structure, set limits clearly and hold the line with love. Preschoolers may begin to be deceitful as they realize that their parents cannot read their minds. Correct your child while reflecting the compassion of God.

Elementary School Children (Acceptance Stage):
At this age, children seek acceptance from different groups through performing various activities and roles. To affirm your acceptance, help your child understand his or her God-given worth. School-age children want to please their parents and teachers, and they adopt their parents’ morals, whether good or bad. Help your child memorize meaningful Bible passages that show God’s holy standards and His plan for eternal life. For example: “Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins” (James 4:17).

Teenagers (Identity Stage):
Teens seek to define their own set of values. Increase your teens’ exposure to godly role models. Teens are idealistic and often ask questions about their purpose and role in life. Explain that God’s purpose is that you both become more and more like Christ.

Discipline is training that corrects, molds, and improves your child’s character. Discipline is an expression of love and acceptance and builds a sense of security in your child.

(Proverbs 22:15)

—
Don’t
feel guilty when you discipline your child. You show love to your child when you set limits and enforce them.

—
Don’t
be afraid of losing your child’s love. By doing God’s will, you will earn your child’s respect.

—
Don’t
view structure and limits as punishment. You are establishing beneficial boundaries.

—
Don’t
embarrass your child in front of others. Remember to praise in public and correct in private.

—
Don’t
belittle your child with sarcasm. Speak the truth in love, and discipline with compassion.

—
Don’t
discipline your child in anger. Wait for immediate anger to pass as you pray for wisdom in order to discipline appropriately.

—
Don’t
try to manipulate your child with fear or guilt. Base your appeals on the need to have a clear conscience before God.

—
Don’t
compare your child with others. See your child as a unique creation of God.

(Proverbs 13:24)

—
Do
mold the will without breaking the spirit, treating your child with kindness and respect. A child’s spirit can be broken in an atmosphere of too many rules, overreacting, criticizing, teasing, false accusations, inflexibility, impatience, or harsh punishment.

(Colossians 3:21)

—
Do
communicate your expectations clearly by getting on your child’s eye level, describing what you expect of your child in terms of structure and limits, and giving one gentle reminder when needed. For example: “We agreed that your bedtime is 8:30. It’s now 8:20, so what do you need to be doing?”

(1 Thessalonians 4:1)

—
Do
establish and enforce negative consequences for misbehavior—consequences that are related to the behavior and clearly communicated and agreed to by your child.

(Proverbs 19:18)

—
Do
encourage and develop responsibility, allowing your child to make choices and to experience the benefits and consequences of those choices.

(Proverbs 17:25)

—
Do
assign and enforce beneficial chores to everyone in the family based on individual capabilities, with assigned times for completion. Post these responsibilities in the kitchen.

(Proverbs 14:23)

—
Do
reinforce positive behavior, offering smiles and physical affection, praise regarding character traits, recognition in front of others, saying, “thank you,” giving focused attention, and respecting physical, spiritual, and emotional needs.

(1 Thessalonians 5:11)

—
Do
maintain consistency, evaluating and modifying rules as your child grows, presenting a united front in public and resolving disagreements in private.

(Proverbs 24:3-4)

When parents structure their home according to God’s Word, children learn to turn negative or destructive impulses into constructive problem solving. The following are wise parenting strategies that can help your child become compassionate, loving, and self-confident.

—
Love and listen attentively with your ears and your heart
. Get to really know the heart of each child. Ask about their dreams and desires, their feelings and fears, their likes and dislikes. Listen without judging them, with the goal of understanding them (James 1:19).

—
Organize your family God’s way
. When the home is controlled by godly parents, many of the dynamics that create negativity and anger in children are removed (Proverbs 1:8).

—
Love your spouse openly and unconditionally
. How parents relate to each other is often reflected in how their children relate to others. The best way to give security to your children is to love your spouse (Ephesians 5:33).