Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (45 page)

The Misaligned Marriage—
failing to recognize/respond to God-given roles

Failure of the husband…

— to be a spiritual leader

— to be financially responsible

— to make wise decisions

— to seek to solve problems

— to be attentive to his wife

Failure of the wife…

— by not having a gentle spirit

— by trying to control her husband

— by becoming involved in power struggles

— by withdrawing emotionally

— by being bitter and sarcastic

God’s design is for the husband to feel
significant
through providing for his family and receiving the respectful love of his wife.
²
He fulfills her need to feel
secure
through his love, acceptance, and sensitivity to her desires. Ephesians 5 paints the picture:

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior…Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”

(E
PHESIANS
5:22-23,25).

Many enter marriage expecting “personal payoffs.” Eventually, these
unrealistic expectations
become lost hopes and dreams that grow a root of bitterness. Hebrews 12:15 states, “See to it…that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

Couples
expect
marriage will always provide…

— love and acceptance

— affection and sexual intimacy

— a loving family

— rescue from present circumstances

— financial security

— social acceptance

— protection from loneliness

— time to change a mate’s behavior

When these
unrealistic expectations
are unfulfilled, many spouses say,

— “Life is too short to live like this. We’ll both be happier apart.”

— “This was
not
a marriage made in heaven. We should
never
have married.”

— “I’ve tried everything—our situation is hopeless.”

— “You’re wrong. You’ll never change!”

— “Everybody’s getting divorced—marriage doesn’t matter anymore.”

— “It’s better for the children if I leave, to protect them from the arguing.”

— “I’ll never be happy here, but I’ll try to stay until the children are grown.”

Instead of living with unrealistic expectations regarding what you
don’t have
, be grateful to God for what you
do have
. First Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Submission is based on your love for the Lord and your desire to do His will. Because of your love for God, you both must learn to defer to the desires of each other. Ephesians 5:21 says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Although everyone has three God-given inner needs—for love, significance, and security
³
—God designed the husband to have a greater need for
significance
, while the wife is uniquely created with a deeper need for
security
. A crucial element in the marriage relationship is becoming aware of your partner’s desires and learning to meet them creatively.
⁴
Philippians 2:4 says, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Admiration
(Proverbs 31:23)

— Praise his positive character traits.

— Respect his burden of responsibility.

Domestic Support
(Proverbs 31:27)

— Provide a peaceful home atmosphere.

— Manage the home efficiently.

Companionship
(Mark 10:8)

— Develop mutual interests together.

— Learn to talk knowledgeably about your husband’s occupation.

Attractiveness
(Proverbs 31:25)

— Develop inner beauty that earns respect.

— Display inner strength regardless of outward circumstances.

Sexual Fulfillment
(1 Corinthians 7:4-5)

— Communicate your sexual desires.

— Give assurance that your husband is sexually adequate.

Affection
(Song of Solomon 1:2; 2:6)

— Give hugs, kisses, cards, flowers, and gifts.

— Tell her how much you care for her.

Communication
(Ephesians 4:29)

— Listen with concern and interest.

— Encourage and praise her positive character traits.

Honesty
(Proverbs 24:26)

— Commit to total truthfulness.

— Share your true thoughts, feelings, and desires.

Financial Security
(1 Timothy 5:8)

— Shoulder the financial responsibility.

— Prepare a budget together to plan for the future.

Commitment
(Hebrews 13:4)

— Schedule quality and quantity time alone with her.

— Make your wife and family your highest earthly priority.

A husband and wife must never lose their commitment to each other. This commitment to both your mate and your marriage goes deeper than romantic love. It empowers you to keep an unbreakable covenant with your marriage partner regardless of unexpected circumstances. Our covenant God says to us, “I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion” (Hosea 2:19).

My Covenant Commitment

(Note the acrostic for C-O-V-E-N-A-N-T)

C
Commit to working through problems and not walking away (1 Corinthians 7:27).

— Decide together that divorce is not an option.

— Agree to communicate feelings honestly and lovingly.

O
Offer love to your mate even when you don’t feel like it (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

— Evaluate how your love compares to that described in 1 Corinthians 13. Substitute your name in the place of the word “love” in verses 4-8.

— Pray daily for those who have hurt you—forgive and forgive again—refusing to keep a record of wrongs.

V
View your marriage as God’s setting for spiritual growth (Proverbs 15:13).

— Realize that God did not create any one person to meet all your needs.

— While God is your ultimate need-meeter, see your mate as God’s gift to meet some of those needs.

E
Eliminate any emphasis on your rights (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

— Identify what makes you angry.

— Sensitively express your honest desires—“It would mean a lot to me if you would take out the trash.”

N
Nurture your identity in Christ (Philippians 4:13).

— Evaluate if your sense of self-worth is based on how your mate treats you.

— Acknowledge that your true identity is in Christ, not in your mate.

A
Ask God to change you (Psalm 51:10).

— Evaluate what areas in your life need changing.

— Ask your mate, “Would you name one area in my life where you feel I need the most change?”

N
Nourish your extended family relationships (Exodus 20:12).

— Evaluate the tangible and emotional needs of your in-laws.

— Consistently look for the positive in your mate’s family.

T
Turn your expectations over to God (Psalm 62:1).

— Evaluate the unrealistic expectations you’ve had of marriage and your mate.

— Realize God can bring complete fulfillment to you regardless of your marriage partner.

“My soul finds rest in God alone”

(P
SALM
62:1).

To make the most of your marriage,
the key to success is
commitment
.
While fortunes change from good to bad
and feelings move from glad to sad,
commitment is the highest goal…
commitment is the glue that holds.

—JH

Ephesians 5:21

1 Corinthians 7:3-4

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

1 Corinthians 13:6-7

Philippians 2:2-4

1 Peter 3:7

Ephesians 5:25

Mark 10:9

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Adultery, Alcohol and Drug Abuse, Anger, Codependency, Counseling, Crisis Intervention, Critical Spirit, Decision Making, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family, Financial Freedom, Forgiveness, Grief Recovery, Guilt, Habits, Lying, Manipulation, Parenting, Pregnancy…Unplanned, Reconciliation, Rejection, Self-Worth, Sexual Addiction, Stress Management, Verbal and Emotional Abuse, Victimization, Worry
.

I
f someone were to ask, “What exactly is wrong with the occult?” most people wouldn’t know how to answer. How would you answer? The word
occult
describes any practice used in an attempt to gain supernatural power or knowledge apart from the God of the Bible.
¹
Generally the occult is broken down into five categories: superstition, fortune-telling, spiritism, black and white magic, and parapsychology.
²
The word
occult
comes from the Latin
occultus
, which means “hidden, covered up, concealed.”
³
The occult is not just a ditch of deceit, but a pit cloaked in despair and darkness. In Leviticus 20:6-7 God says, “I will set my face against the person who turns to mediums and spiritists to prostitute himself by following them, and I will cut him off from his people. Consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am the L
ORD
your God.”