Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (44 page)

Accept…
¹⁰

— change as painful; however, in time you will have peace.

— if you don’t change, you will stay in pain and peace will elude you.

(Job 3:26)

— Ask God to open your eyes to ways you have been manipulated.

— Ask yourself, “How am I being manipulated?” Write out your tactics for change.

— Ask a trusted friend to help you see blind spots and develop a plan of action.

(Proverbs 22:3)

— Admit you have been wrong.

“I’ve come to realize I am wrong in the way I relate to you. At times I don’t speak up because I’m afraid. This is not healthy for either of us.”

— Give your commitment.

“I really do care about you. I want you to know I am committed to change. I believe we can ultimately have a much healthier relationship.”

— State your resolve if it is not appropriate to continue the relationship.

“We cannot continue in a relationship as it is and still be the persons we need to be before God.”

(Hebrews 12:1)

Even if you are accused of being unkind and unloving, you can choose to…
¹²

— be silent, but don’t use silence as a weapon.

— state the truth only once or twice: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “What you’ve said is not true.” “It does not reflect my heart.”

— say, “I understand you think I am being heartless, but my intent is to become healthy.”

(Ecclesiastes 3:7)

The manipulator…
¹³

— may resort to using other methods to regain control.

— needs to know you are aware of these new methods.

— needs to see that the new methods will not succeed.

(Proverbs 14:24)

Realize…

— God didn’t design anyone to meet
all
the needs of another person.

— if you meet all the manipulator’s needs, then the manipulator won’t need the Lord.

— you need to redirect the manipulator’s focus to the Lord as the only true need-meeter.

(Psalm 37:4-5)

Continue to ask, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

— Realize, you are “transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2).

— Recognize you are given the mind of Christ to direct your thoughts (1 Corinthians 2:16).

— You must not be a peace-at-any-price person.

— Jesus was not a peace-at-any-price person.

— Keep your trust in God and fear no one.

“The L
ORD
is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The L
ORD
is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?”

(P
SALM
27:1).

Sometimes you must say
no
to people so you can say
yes
to God.

—JH

Exodus 20:3

Proverbs 29:25

Proverbs 12:18

1 John 4:18

2 Timothy 1:7

Jeremiah 17:5,7

Galatians 6:4

Galatians 1:10

Psalm 31:3

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Anger, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Codependency, Critical Spirit, Domestic Violence, Evil and Suffering…Why?, Fear, Forgiveness, Guilt, Habits, Hope, Lying, Marriage, Rejection, Self-worth, Stress Management, Verbal and Emotional Abuse, Worry
.

W
hy do some marriages endure and others not? Why do some couples struggle and others not? What one factor makes the greatest difference and prevents so many marriages from failing? It’s the word
covenant
. The concept of covenant is a long, winding path that ends when “death do us part.”

The marriage covenant is a couple’s lifetime commitment—a lifetime journey of love and loyalty. Jesus states it well: “They are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6).

Marriage
is a covenant agreement in which a man and a woman are legally and spiritually joined together as husband and wife. And Genesis 2:24-25 establishes the four elements in God’s perfect order for marriage.

Separation
—“a man will leave his father and mother”

Both the husband and wife leave the authority of their parents and become a separate family unit. In marriage the loyalty to your parents should never be stronger than the loyalty to your spouse.

Bonding
—“and be united to his wife”

By an act of your will, bonding is a mental commitment to have a faithful, permanent marriage relationship with your spouse regardless of difficulties.

Oneness
—“they will become one flesh”

Physical oneness is the ultimate consummation of sexual closeness. For this sexual oneness to be continually mutually satisfying, look for ways to express unselfish love to each other. Openly ask, “What best communicates love to you?” and then take the time to enjoy one another.

Intimacy
—“they felt no shame”

Emotional intimacy is encouraged when you seek to be vulnerable and transparent, honestly sharing with one another your feelings of frustration and failure, your deepest disappointments and desires.

Spiritual intimacy is achieved when you continue to reveal to one another your unmet needs, praying together, praying for each other and sharing what God is doing in your lives.
¹

God has a unique purpose for marriage. In the same way that Christ sacrificially gave Himself to the church, you and your mate should be willing to sacrifice your individual desires for the sake of your marriage covenant.

God has given you each other as partners for life—true companionship grows when there is emotional, spiritual and physical unity. Malachi 2:14 emphasizes, “She is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.”

God’s first scriptural command was for Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply, filling the earth with godly offspring. “God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it’” (Genesis 1:28).

The marriage relationship and your mate are God’s special gifts to you…true enjoyment will grow out of self-control and a servant’s heart. Proverbs 5:18 says, “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18).

God uses marriage as a chisel to chip away your character flaws. He intends both partners to move from selfish to sacrificial behavior, reflecting the sacrificial love of Christ.

The Make-believe Marriage—
lacking honest and intimate communication by…

— not working through problems (stubbornness)

— not accepting responsibility (defensiveness)

— not acknowledging your mate’s feelings (rejection)

— not concerned about your mate’s needs (self-centeredness)

— not displaying affection (apathy)

Make-believe marriages
are marriages in name only. To enjoy intimate communication is to be as concerned about your partner’s needs as about your own. Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.”

The Maladjusted Marriage—
experiencing sexual difficulties because of…

— frigidity (fearfulness)—from false guilt, sexual abuse, psychological problems

— impatience (insensitivity)—being demanding, coercive

— infidelity (selfishness)—indulging in adultery, pornography

— fatigue (exhaustion)—caused by excessive busyness or overcommitment

— anger (bitterness)—unforgiveness, manipulation

Maladjusted marriages
fail to experience the unique expression of physical oneness. As an act of love, God’s design is that both partners yield their bodies to one another. True sexual fulfillment comes through seeking to provide pleasure to the other. The Bible says, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).

The Mixed-up Marriage—
having conflicting values over…

— opposing religious beliefs

— opposing parental responsibilities

— opposing marital commitments

— opposing friendship choices

— opposing moral principles

Mixed-up marriages
produce power struggles, tension, and criticism. With basic values in conflict, the couple has great difficulty developing oneness of mind, heart, and will. However, Philippians 2:2 says, “Make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.”

The Money-troubled Marriage—
experiencing financial disagreements over…

— how family income will be earned…and spent

— how credit cards will be used

— how credit card
misuse
will be handled

— how the budget will be followed

— how the lack of money for essentials will be handled

Conflicting answers to these questions and other financial difficulties can result in an unhealthy focus on money and material needs. However Hebrews 13:5 says, “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have.”