Damaged and the Beast (32 page)

“Well, for one thing, I’m not eighteen. For another, you have control over how I feel and that’s still power. Finally, maybe you grew up with a boot on the back of your neck so you need all of this independence to feel like you’ve accomplished shit, but you need to get over that. I take care of the people I love. My money can make your life easier and that makes my life easier. I’m not molding you and I don’t think you need molding anyway. The only difference between us is that I know I’m a finished product and you think you still need to change. You don’t and working this weekend so you can buy new clothes you don’t need won’t make you better. It won’t make you stronger or smarter. It’ll wear you down and give you a false sense of accomplishment. In the long run, your grades will suffer and you’ll hate your job and school and, God forbid, me.”

“I’ve dreamed of this life for a long time and I want it to be like my dream.”

“Dream bigger, baby.”

“You mean dream of you.”

“A dream with me in it, yes, but I know you want to be a teacher. I see on your face what that means to you. I’m not saying give up everything for me and be my bitch. I’m saying live your dream along with being my bitch.”

“Fuck you,” I hissed, grinning.

Cooper shared my smile. “I have to protect you. I have to feel like I’m doing right by you because my heart hurts when you aren’t happy. The last day sucked worse than any time in my life. I just couldn’t give two shits about anything because I’d lost you.”

“I don’t know. I still feel like I should work this weekend.”

Cooper sighed for nearly a minute then shook his head. “Healthy relationships are about compromise. Don’t work this weekend and go to the fair with me and I’ll buy you new clothes. See, compromise?”

“You get everything you want. How is that compromise?”

“I’m buying you new clothes that I don’t think you need,” he said, grinning. “I’m wasting money on your delusion. You’re welcome.”

Laughing, I finished my soda then stood up. “I’ll think about it.”

“And say yes when I take you home later.”

Two hours later, I did say yes, only because I was tired as hell. Schoolwork was piling up quickly and I needed time to study. As we reached the parking lot, Cooper was humming with happiness when I slid on behind him. Literally humming like a happy child who received good news from Santa. He was humming the whole drive to my apartment. After a private shower even though I knew Cooper wanted to join me, I returned to my bedroom to find him exploring my dresser drawers.

“What are you doing?” I asked as casually as I could muster.

“Looking to see if you’re on the pill.”

“I told you I get those shots.”

“Yeah, but I was hoping you were lying so I could find your pills, switch them out with Tic Tacs, and keep you with me forever.”

“First of all, Coop, I’d know they were Tic Tacs. Secondly, if you want to keep me forever, just treat me well and I’ll stay with you. Wouldn’t that be better than having a baby we’re not ready for?”

Cooper grinned. “My girl is so smart and rational.”

“You weren’t really looking for my birth control, were you?” I asked, sitting on the bed.

“Yeah. The last day was the worst of my life and don’t you dare point out how I’ve had an easy life.”

“I’ll just think it then.”

Cooper glanced out of the curtains then back at me. “You need a TV in your room.”

“I’m saving up for one.”

Cooper grinned. “Foot massage time.”

“We could go into the living room and watch TV while you service me.”

“I was thinking maybe I’d stay the night and a relaxing foot massage might put you in the mood for makeup loving.”

Looking around, I wasn’t sure I wanted to feel him inside me. On the other hand, I really wanted to kiss and hold him and that would lead to sex.

“Okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“I want you to be honest,” Cooper said, looking rather grumpy.

“I am.”

“It breaks my fucking heart when you cry while I’m enjoying myself. Do you understand?”

“I can’t promise I won’t cry. It’s a reflex.”

“I’m not the guy who hurt you.”

“I know.”

“Maybe we should just hang out and mess around and keep it casual.”

Frowning, I rested back on the bed and wiggled my feet at him. “I want to do what you said earlier.”

“You can’t even say it.”

Crossing my arms, I frowned harder. “I heard these girls in class talking about how great sex was and I felt jealous. I want to be like everyone else and enjoy stuff like they do. I can’t do that if I don’t practice. It’s like everything else. I just need to learn how to do it.”

“So you want me to climb on you and fuck you while you cry?” he said and I felt my eyes burning. “You can’t know how it feels to watch you cry like that.”

“No, but if you want me to ever learn to enjoy it, you’ll have to keep trying. If you want to give up, that’s fine, but I can’t learn to like it if I don’t practice.”

Cooper sat at the end of the bed and took a foot in his strong hands. “Is it that you think I’m going to hurt you like that guy did?”

Lifting myself up onto my elbows, I stared hard at him. “We don’t talk about those things in my family. We don’t say the words and I’m not talking about that.”

“I just want to understand how to make you feel good too. I hate taking from you and watching you cry and waiting for it to be over.”

“I told you. It’s a reflex. My body reacts and I cry. I know it’s you and I love you and I want you, but my body reacts. Talking about this is making me tense.”

“We don’t have to talk about it then. I need you to be comfortable with us being together though.”

“Be close with me then. The more you are, the better it feels. Like when we first tried, even when I was drunk, it hurt because I tensed up. It got easier last weekend at your house. I still cried and got scared, but it didn’t hurt. I want to have sex like everyone else. I want to learn, but there’s only one way and that’s through practice.”

Cooper nodded as his thumbs pressed deep against my aching arch. I cried out, sounding somewhere between horny and in pain. Cooper just smiled and kept working at my feet as I watched him. After a few minutes, I was incredibly relaxed. I was also missing the feel of him against me.

I whispered, “I love you.”

Cooper lifted my foot and kissed it as his warm gaze held mine. Smiling at him, I opened my robe to show nothing underneath.

“Hell,” Cooper muttered.

“Your sister said my only good feature is my lips. Is that true and don’t lie because you want sex? We’re having sex no matter what you say.”

Cooper didn’t even look at me as he moved his kisses from my foot to my calf. He only paused to pull off his tee and toss it on the floor.

“You’re so gorgeous I have to beat up guys constantly to keep them away from you.”

“Is that true?”

“Uh-huh,” he murmured as he kissed my inner thigh.

“You shouldn’t beat up anyone over me.”

“Sure, whatever,” he said, kissing higher on my thigh.

“I don’t like that,” I yelped as his lips moved between my legs. “I don’t want that.”

“It’ll feel good,” he said, looking at me with a gentle gaze. “It’ll relax you too. Girls really like it. Trust me.”

“I don’t want that,” I said again, fighting the urge to close my robe and have him leave.

“Fair enough,” he said, crawling up to kiss my stomach.

Realizing he stopped and wasn’t angry, I let out a long sigh. Glancing up at me, Cooper licked at my belly button then left a trail of affection all the way to the soft underside of my breast. A breath caught in my throat as I waited for the fun stuff. A grinning Cooper sucked my nipple into his mouth.

“I like this,” I announced like a dork, but I wanted him to know it wasn’t all bad and I could loosen up eventually.

“We can make each other happy, Farah,” Cooper said, lying between my legs and swinging his feet like a kid. His expression was tender as he teased my nipples. “I know you’re mine. If you let me start over, we can be so fucking happy that all the shit that came before will be no more than a bad dream.”

“I’m afraid to love you too much.”

“It’s normal to be scared when you grew up in a shitty way. I bet you spent most of your life worrying that anything nice might get stolen away. With me, with what we have, it’s probably scary. For me though, losing you is the only thing that scares the shit out of me. I need to make you happy so you’ll stay and I can be happy.”

As my fingers caressed the soft prickles of his shaved hair, I thought about how much Cooper needed me. How he hadn’t forgotten I existed or moved on the second I wasn’t there. He really seemed to love me. I hadn’t believed it, but there was no other reason he would have freaked out.

“Have you ever been dumped before?” I asked as Cooper snuggled his face between my breasts.

“What do you mean by dumped?” he mumbled, glancing up at me. “Like what you did yesterday?”

“I guess.”

“Maybe. When chicks blow me off, I don’t usually care. I’m just about nailing them. Once I have, whatever happens happens.” Cooper paused and his gaze met mine. “How many fucking times do I have to tell you that you’re special?”

“A million? Possibly more.”

Cooper grinned at my tone. “Fair enough. Now, stop interrupting my reunion with the girls.”

Starting to laugh until his tongue lathered love on my right nipple, I groaned instead. Cooper smiled, taking his time at getting reacquainted with my body. By the time he was inside me, I was as relaxed as I could be after a long stressful day. Even later when the neighbors were loud and I was startled awake, everything felt better because I had Cooper with me. He was still mine and I needed to find a way to keep him.

The next few days, Cooper and I fell into an easy routine. I was usually at his house where we’d eat breakfast with the family before heading to school. Our schedules didn’t mesh well so I barely saw him during the day. Cooper typically ran by and kissed the shit out of me during his lunch time. My lunch period was later so I was actually missing part of class to make out with Cooper. The instructor acted as if this behavior was all very natural even though another student was grilled after he walked out of class one day. Life was good for a Johansson in Ellsberg.

Cooper was so relaxed those next few days. I tried to relax too, but life taught me to treasure every moment because the good ones never lasted. When I was at work, Cooper hung around, talking to me and doing his schoolwork. Every night, we returned to his place where I received a much appreciated foot massage, followed by all of the sexual need he built up over the day. We sometimes didn’t sleep until after midnight.

Thursday night, Cooper was especially horny. He couldn’t get enough and we would barely finish before he was ready to go again. I didn’t know him well enough to gage if this was a normal thing for him or if something in particular set him off? I did sense he was clingier than usual. Territorial too, so likely something irritated him, but he wouldn’t tell me what?

By the time we fell asleep sweaty and exhausted, the clock read after two. I wasn’t sure how I would get through the next day with so little rest, but the exhaustion would be worth it. Cooper fell asleep with a smile on his face like he had finally worked out his issues with enough naked time.

I rarely dreamt of the ugly incident. Most nightmares were about embarrassing myself at school like when I walked around with a blood stain on my butt. Occasionally, I dreamed of my parents hitting me or Tawny and me running from something. Those dreams were upsetting, but they weren’t detailed. This nightmare though was a vivid memory.

By the time I woke screaming with Cooper shaking me, I wasn’t eighteen and in Kentucky. I was back in that dirty trailer and Cooper wasn’t my love. He was a threat.

Throwing myself away from him and off the bed, I crawled to the bedroom door, but didn’t know where to go next. Cooper climbed out of bed, looking large and intimidating. I put my hands up to stop him, but my words made no sense.

“Who’s Travis?” he asked, frowning.

“Why?” I cried. “Do you know him? Is he your friend? Are you going to give me to him?”

Grabbing a shoe, I threw it at Cooper who easily batted it away.

“Stop!” he yelled so loudly I fell backwards in terror. “Calm the fuck down!”

Staring up at him, I knew he would hurt me and give me to Travis. It was why he fucked me so much the night before. He was saying goodbye and finishing with me before handing me off to his buddy.

Cooper stared at me full of anger then he took a few deep breaths and stepped back. Swinging his arms, he settled himself down while I crawled to the corner behind a chair. Naked and cold, I knew something bad was coming as if trouble had followed me out of the dream. Eventually, Cooper dressed in a pair of boxers and sat on the ground nearby.

“You said his name when you were dreaming,” he explained quietly. “He’s the guy who hurt you, right?”