Dancing Naked (16 page)

He slumped against the far wall and slid to the floor. Then he covered his face with both hands. “I won’t have anything to do with it,” he said eventually.

“You don’t have to.” Kia watched as he drew in great, shuddering breaths.

“What are you going to do with ... it?”

Kia noticed he couldn’t bring himself to say the word baby. Watching him, she realized the danger was gone. He looked pathetic, crouched there beside the toilet. She leaned against the bathroom door and slid down into a squatting position too. “I don’t know yet.”

“If you keep it, I won’t contribute or anything.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

He was quiet for a long time. Then Kia watched while he rubbed his face and dropped his hands, but he didn’t look at her. “My dad would kill me for getting a girl pregnant.” His voice was thick with emotion.

Kia didn’t answer. She just sat very still. Finally he looked up at her. She was shocked to see the fear in his eyes. “I’m serious,” he said. “He would kill me.”

Kia tried to picture Derek’s father. She’d only met him once, but he did have an intimidating presence.

“Then he doesn’t have to know.”

“People talk.”

“I’ll deny it.”

He shook his head. “I don’t know ...”

“You don’t have a choice, Derek.”

“You promise not to finger me?” he asked nervously.

Kia was shocked at his expression. Gone was the swaggering big shot that she knew. Now he looked more like a frightened little boy cowering in the corner.

“Your father doesn’t have to find out, Derek.”

Derek covered his face with his hands again. Kia heard him sniffle and decided that he was more drunk or stoned than she’d thought.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. She opened the door and was about to slip out when he spoke again.

“I’m sorry too, Kia,” he said. “But I can’t handle it.”

“I know.” She shut the door and leaned against it. Then, taking a deep breath, she returned to the party and searched for Shawna among the dancing throng. She glanced at the couples leaning against the wall or sitting on the floor around the perimeter of the room. Heads were bent together in conversation—trying to be heard over the music—but Shawna wasn’t among them either.

“Have you seen Shawna?” she asked, breaking into one intimate conversation after another. Heads shook, shoulders shrugged. No one paid much attention.

“I saw her with Eric awhile ago.” Rochelle looked annoyed at being interrupted. “Maybe they went outside.”

“Tell her I left,” Kia said. Rochelle nodded vaguely, glanced down at Kia’s stomach, then went back to her conversation.

They sat in the Hazelwood living room, Reverend Petrenko, Kia’s parents, Kia and Sadie the social worker
the Reverend had invited to join them.

“So when is the baby due, Kia?” Sadie asked after accepting a cup of tea from Kia’s mom.

“The end of August.” Although she didn’t want to talk to her, Kia liked the friendly look of this woman, with her gray ponytail and softly lined face. She’d told the Reverend she wasn’t ready, but her parents were pressuring him.

“Just talk to her, Kia,” he’d said. “You’re not committing to anything, but we need to get the ball rolling.”

“And you’re considering adoption?” Sadie asked.

Kia glanced at her father. He stared back at her. She nodded, but didn’t meet Sadie’s eyes.

Sadie regarded her thoughtfully, then reached into her canvas satchel. “I have a binder here I can leave with you to look over. It contains information on couples who want to adopt a baby. You’ll find out about their work, their hobbies and their religious beliefs, if they have any.” She flipped through the pages. “They tell a bit about themselves, their values, and there’s also pictures of them. Make a shortlist of the ones who you think would make the best parents and then I can set up interviews with them. Meeting them in person will give you a much better idea of what they’re like.”

Kia nodded, but she didn’t reach for the binder.

“It must be hard for the couples who get interviewed and are not chosen,” Kia’s mom commented. “They would get their hopes up, I guess. But not all of them ...”

Sadie nodded. “It is hard for them, but I guess it’s like any other game. You know before you start that someone is going to win and everyone else is going to lose. And to
get interviewed means you’re one step closer to possibly realizing your dream of having a child. Adopting couples like to meet the birth parents too. It takes some of the mystery out of the process.”

“What if the birth mom changes her mind at the last minute?” Kia asked. She felt, rather than saw, her father tense.

“The birth mom does have a few weeks to change her mind.” Sadie sighed. “It’s never easy, Kia, but it does help when you’ve chosen the adoptive parents yourself. At least you know where your child is going. Not knowing is very painful for many mothers.”

“Birth mothers had to rely on blind faith in the old days,” the Reverend added. “And we all know how hard that can be,” he said, smiling.

“The father will have to sign the adoption papers too, Kia,” Sadie said. “Is that going to be a problem?”

She shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

“Good. I know we’ve still got a few months, but it will go quickly. It takes time to set up interviews, and often you’ll want to meet with couples more than once, so the sooner you get a shortlist to me, the better. Okay?”

Kia noticed that her hands were resting on her stomach again. She quickly folded her arms across her chest. “Okay.”

Sadie stood up. “I’m here to help, Kia. And any time you want to chat, about anything, give me a call. My business card is in the front of that binder.”

“Thanks.”

“That still goes for me too, Kia,” the Reverend said, rising and placing a hand on her shoulder.

“I know.”

Kia stood at the door with her parents and watched the guests leave. Her father turned to her as he shut the door. “You can do this, Kia.”

She swung around to face him. “Could you have given me up for adoption?”

“That’s different, Ki,” her mom answered, following her up the stairs and into the living room. “You were planned. We wanted you.”

“Who’s to say I don’t want this baby?” She plunked herself on the couch and picked up the binder lying on the coffee table.

“Babies need two parents, Kia, and not just for conception,” her dad said quietly, sitting across the room from her. “They are a lot of work.” He studied her sullen expression. “Your baby is our grandchild, you know,” he added pointedly, “so don’t think this doesn’t affect your mom and me.”

Kia looked up, surprised.

“But we really aren’t prepared to raise another child right now,” her mom said, sitting down beside Kia.

“I know that.”

“So we think that this grandchild will be better off in a home with a couple who have planned to have a child in their lives.”

“Lots of kids are raised by single parents,” Kia argued.

“That’s true,” said her mom. “And many single parents do an admirable job of raising well-adjusted kids. But it isn’t easy. And there’s no time left over for the parent to have a life of their own. We want more than that for you.”

Kia began flipping through the pages.

“You’ll be seventeen when this child is born.” Her dad
picked up the argument. “You’ll still want to go to college. You’ll want to have a social life. It’s so much harder to do those things when you’re a single parent.”

“I know.”

“And financially it’s a real struggle. Social assistance helps, but it won’t maintain the lifestyle you’re used to ...”

“I know that too,” she said impatiently. She knew it, but she didn’t want to think about it.

She pretended to become absorbed in one of the adopting parents’ bio sheets, hoping her parents would leave her alone. They did. She heard her dad pick up a book, and her mother went down the hall to her office.

So, she thought to herself, the main reason her parents didn’t think she should keep the baby was because she was going to be a single parent. If she had a partner, someone to raise the baby with ...

Her heart skipped a beat. She knew just the person to do the job, someone as attached to the baby as she was. Would he be willing?

They flipped through the binder pages together after prenatal class, in their usual booth at the coffee shop.

“This guy looks like a Hell’s Angel,” Kia commented. “Who’d pick him for a father?”

“A motorcycle momma,” Justin said.

Kia turned the page. “Very funny.”

“Look at this one.” Justin put his finger on a page. “She doesn’t look any older than you.”

“Well, she is,” Kia said, reading the statistics. “Quite a bit, actually.”

“Must be an old picture.”

“Must be.” Kia snapped the binder shut. “Do you think I’m too young to be a good parent?”

Justin paused, choosing his words carefully. He turned so he was facing her. “I think you’ll be a great parent at any age, Kia. That’s not really the problem.”

“And what do you think the problem is?”

Justin sighed. “Why don’t you tell me what you think the problem is?”

“My parents,” she said. “And they think the problem is that I’d be a single parent.”

“I agree. That is a problem.”

Kia folded her arms across her chest. “Why?” “Because there’s so much you need to do before you start raising kids.”

“Like what?”

“Like finish growing up. Like having a career. Like having fun. And,” he smiled, “like falling in love.”

She took a deep breath. “I think I
am
falling in love.” She looked him right in the eye.

He continued to smile. “Well, that’s good news.” He tilted his head. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

She kept looking directly at him.

The silence between them filled with understanding.

“You mean the baby, don’t you, Ki?” His eyes narrowed, and he spoke firmly, almost roughly. “You’re falling in love with the baby.”

His words were like a kick to the stomach. Kia nodded and looked away. “Yeah, that’s what I mean,” she said, swallowing hard.

“Because,” he whispered, “if you mean anything else,
don’t go there, Kia.” He reached over and took her hand between his. “Please.”

She nodded, but she could no longer look him in the eye. She pulled her hand away and finished her hot chocolate. Then she glanced at her watch. “I have to go.”

“Okay,” Justin said. But he didn’t move to let her out of the booth.

Finally, she looked him in the eye again.

“I cherish our friendship, Kia. It means a lot to me.”

She nodded but looked down again, her hair falling over her face.

“There’s stuff you don’t know, Kia, but please, don’t shut me out.”

“It’s just that ...”

“Shh. Don’t do this.” He reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear so he could see her face. Then he put his hand under her chin, lifting it so she had to face him. “I’ve had ...” He paused, searching for the right word. “Fantasies too. I want to be a father. But it’s not going to happen.”

“Why not? Why couldn’t we raise the baby together?” she asked, hating the desperation in her voice. “You said partner means all different kinds of things. Couldn’t we keep on being partners, just like in prenatal class?”

Justin just shook his head.

“Why not?”

“For a million reasons.” He dropped his hand. “But we’re in this together, and we’re going to find the best possible parents for her.”

“I thought you were on my side.”

“There are no sides, Kia. Just choices.”

~ girl baby’s ovaries now contain primitive egg cells
~ permanent teeth buds are forming behind the already
formed milk teeth buds
~ pads of the fingers and toes are formed and the
fingerprints are developing
~ size of a honeydew melon

Mar. 24

There are so sides. Me against everyone else.

Why did I say anything? Now that I’ve said it I can

never go back. It changes everything.