Deadly Expectations (72 page)

“That was all I asked, but I have to spend most of my time getting you sewn up or finding you or wondering what the hell is going on in your head before I have to find you or sew you up again.
 
The more I let myself love you the more it hurts.

“As soon as I think you’re going to settle in to marriage you take off again and come back either hurt or pissed off or both.”

He was yelling now.
 
I lowered my eyes and wanted to cover my ears but I didn’t move.
 
His hands dropped into shaking fists at his sides but he didn’t come any closer.
 
Even Bee upstairs would be able to make out every word.

“I know my uncle did something to you.
 
He changed you.
 
I know you can’t walk away from it.
 
Do you have any idea how hard it is to love you so much when I hate the things you’re doing?
 
And more often than not now the hate is winning.
 
Does any part of you even acknowledge that or care?”

“Yes,” I whispered.
 
Some part of me at least.
 
I wasn’t so sure I could find it right now.
 
I listened to his deep breathing slow before I looked back up at him.
 
His hands had relaxed but his face hadn’t.
 
I got up and stood in front of him, close, hoping that his stare would soften.
 
He wouldn’t budge.

Now who’s working for it? In three minutes he’s going to have you in bed giving him what he’s supposed to be working for.
 
It doesn’t matter if you want it too.
 
Make him Anna.
 
He’s not in here to leave you.

I realized that most of my ability to reason was wrapped up in a dirty dead man four feet behind me; standing by the foot of my bed.
 
When Andre wasn’t around all I had left was emotion.
 
Sex and emotion.
 
I would need him now to get through anything I needed sensitivity and eloquence for.

I took a couple of steps back and tuned Andre out.
 
If it was a fight we were going to have then it might was well
be
a good one.
 
Paul was getting madder after my weak attempt to redirect him so I let anger take me too.

“How many favours did you really have time to call in Paul?
 
Just a few weeks after that you spent two months drunk on the floor.
 
You didn’t even come here to look for me.
 
You didn’t see if I was with my sister.
 
You picked up a bottle, you beat up your best friend, and you quit.”

His hands were back in fists.
 
Mine were too.
 
I’d be lucky to still have my voice after this.

“Or did I get the order wrong?”
 
I taunted.
 
“Maybe you quit first?”

I stepped closer.

“You know what I do when I find myself in a hole?
 
I stop digging.
 
My father taught me that when I was eight years old and you still do it.
 
You dug yourself a hole so deep that you couldn’t get out of it.
 
I had to get you out.
 
I froze on the side of the road.
 
I found you.
 
I brought you home.
 
I seduced you in our own bedroom just to make you talk to me again.”

He thought he’d get it off his chest, his speech Ray had helped him get ready then he’d get me in bed and could go on thinking that everything was fine.
 
He wasn’t expecting this.

“I didn’t go looking to be what I am.
 
I don’t want it.
 
But I’m fucking stuck with it.
 
And being mad at me for it is as stupid as being mad at me for having skin.
 
Every time I find myself in that
hole
I get out.
 
I get pushed back in.
 
I get out.”

“Do you think I asked for any of this shit?”
 
He yelled back.

“You did Paul, when you spent the night in my hotel room after using your grown up charm to get your virgin mate in the sack hours after you found her.
 
Did you tamper with all the condoms Paul or just one?
 
Did you want to be sure or did you want to gamble?”

“I …” he sputtered but I kept going.

“If you don’t have the stomach for what I am then just say so.
 
You can pretend that everything is perfect while I run around saving your family.
 
And it is your family.
 
I won’t remember a thing.
 
All I asked was that you help me protect my sister.
 
I’ll do whatever else was asked of me in return.
 
I’m going to the wall for your family Paul.
 
I just wanted her spared and you went on an epic bender instead.”

Paul was furious.
 
I paused again but he didn’t have anything to say.
 
I’d riled him up well past the point where he could put words together.
 
Challenging his integrity was as close to crossing the line with him as I had ever been.

“Who’s the grown up here now?
 
You took your toys and left me in the sandbox and now you come in here on your high horse acting like you’ve been in here playing the whole time.
 

“Was it because it was a child’s
request
to save someone less than a child?
 
Are the regular people around here irrelevant now?
 
Ray’s sister wasn’t.
 
You took care of her.
 
But then you weren’t banging Alina, were you?
 
Is that why my sister is disposable?”

I took the last step toward him and got right in to his face with mine.
 
For now I was done saying what I could say to him within earshot of the others upstairs.
 
I felt Andre’s hand on my shoulder squeezing it.
 
He knew how hard that should have been for me.
 
Twisting what had happened into being a public and personal failing of Paul’s.
 
But it wasn’t hard at all.
 
Andre was showing me approval, not understanding.
 
The cruelty I was dumping on Paul pumped something into my veins that I liked.

“If you think for one minute that my actions haven’t had a thing to do with looking after our daughter I will continue to tear yours to pieces in front of our audience upstairs.
 
How dare you question my love for her,” I whispered.
 
“Your actions don’t hold up under close scrutiny any more than mine do.
 
Raise your voice to me again and I’ll keep going.
 
Believe me, I’m just getting started.”

Paul pulled in a shaking breath.

“I can’t believe you would question me like that,” he growled out between his teeth.

“Then promise me it isn’t true.”
 
My face was inches from his, my belly pressed into him. He would cave soon, having me so close to him, listening to me breathe. “Promise me you did the best you could with what I left you with when I stole your bike and ran off.
 
Tell me you would be just as upset if what happened to Alina happened to your sister, or your mother.”

“You know it isn’t true.”

“I know a lot of things you won’t tell me,” I bellowed at him.
 
“You want me to start at the top of the list or the bottom?”

I took a deep breath as I tried to come up with something but he flinched and put his fingers on my lips.

“Sshhh,” he said, “please … no more.”

I leaned in a little closer and waited.

“I promise you Anna.
 
I do the best I can for you every day.
 
Nothing less.
 
I’m sorry there were days when it wasn’t enough.”

I thought I’d feel worse than I did after humbling him into saying that.

Reassure him now Anna,
Andre told me,
we have to play them like they think they’re playing you.

“I believe you Paul,” I whispered.
 
“Something’s broken off inside me after seeing Alina.
 
I feel raw … emotional.
 
My anger was misplaced.
 
You’re the first person I run to when I’m losing my battle with it because I’m safe with you but then it boils over.”

“What do I say to you when sorry isn’t enough any more?” I put my hands on his chest then I slid one up and held his face.
 
Paul closed his eyes and pressed his cheek into my palm.
 
From the corner of my eye I saw Andre disappear as he walked out of the room.

“I’ll tell you if it comes to that,” Paul said.
 
He leaned forward and put his cheek on mine then I tilted my head a bit as he put his lips on my jaw.
 
I could feel desire start to fill him so I put my other hand behind his neck and gave in.

My back was definitely worse.
 
I was going to waddle and limp if I could move again.

“I think that’s it for the pony rides,” I told Paul as he helped me up.
 
In spite of the pain I was in now I felt nearly normal.

“I guess I’ll be going for more runs now,” he laughed a bit so I patted the little belly he’d gotten eating all the restaurant food.
 
“I know.
 
I didn’t think you would notice.”

“Oh, I didn’t,” I said politely.

“Sure,” he said.

“That works?”

“Sort of like the patch … what works for you?”

A cigarette,
Andre yelled from the hall.

“No …” I answered him without thinking but suddenly I wanted one too.

“No?”
 
Paul asked.

“No substitute for you … but the back pain right now is somewhere between ‘you’re kidding’ and ‘no way’.”

“Do you want me to give you something for it?”

“I still have what Ray gave me for my ribs … I’ll get a couple of those.”

Paul gathered my clothes up for me so I could get dressed and found his.

“I’ll take you out … are you sure you can get in the truck or do you want to take the car?”

I gulped.
 
“I’m not showing my face after that display.
 
I made an ass of myself.”

“Anna,” Paul said softly, “I don’t want you to be mad but they’ve had a friendly bet going as to when we’d have our first fight and who would win … they keep having to change their bets because it’s taken us so damn long.”

“Jesus Paul, now I’m even more embarrassed.”

“Car it is,” he was laughing.
 
Then he became serious.
 
I was sitting on the edge of the bed and he knelt on the floor in front of me.

“Your words hurt me and mine hurt you.
 
I’m not minimizing that at all.
 
But there are no secrets between the men and I … we’re completely open with each other about our lives.
 
Women, sex, anything.
 
We’re going to be together for too long … there’s really no point in pretending privacy.”

I went ahead to the kitchen while Paul got cash and took a piece of paper and a thick marker.
 
I wrote on it Anna 1 Paul 0 and tucked it in my coat.
 
I thought back on our fight and now that the pleasure my mean words had given me was spent in bed I was starting to appreciate just how awful I had been.
 
Just because he found the bet funny didn’t mean I felt any better about what I had said.
 
I knew he didn’t either.
 
If I didn’t join in any ribbing from Denis and Ray would only escalate.