Deadly Expectations (75 page)

“Are you sure?” Ray was saying.
 
“She’s not herself.”

“Hasn’t been for a while,” Denis added.

There was silence for a bit as cigar smoke started to make its way in.

“This morning when I got in from watch I could hear her in the bedroom.
 
The little noises she makes in the sack.
 
I listened for a bit.
 
Thought she was dreaming of me.
 
I stopped sleeping with her after we got back from Hope.
 
She’s just in too much pain now.
 
It’s been a while so it’s no surprise we’re dreaming about it.”

There was a pause so I peeked through the gap in the window and watched him lower his glass.

“Then she gasps.
 
She says “Jesus Andre” and she gasps again.”

I heard an “Oh shit” and an “I’m sorry Paul” but he kept talking.

“But then she yelps.
 
She begs “I’m not thinking of Paul.”
 
She says “please, I wasn’t” but then she’s crying.
 
“Don’t bruise me,” she cries.
 
I stood in the hallway a long time after she stopped crying before I got in bed.
 
But this morning there’s a big bruise on her back.
 
I didn’t say anything.
 
I don’t think she even knew it was there.”

I could barely reach the sore spot on my back.

“That wasn’t the first time.
 
She had a little bruise on her jaw on Boxing Day.
 
Said she bumped into the bedroom door in the middle of the night.
 
Then later at the table she’s distracted so I asked her if she wants me to fix the door so it doesn’t happen again.
 
She said the house has settled and the bathroom door wants to be part way open.
 
She just wasn’t paying attention.”

“Do you think Andre is becoming dominant?”
 
Ray asked.

“I hope not,” Paul said.
 
“But I compare her mental state now to when we arrived in Hope and the Anna from before
is
gone.”

“As long as she’s not a danger we can overlook it,” Denis said.
 
“Pilot really messed her up.”

“Yeah,” Ray said.

Andre pinched the back of my arm.
 
Hard.

You’re being too careless.
 
They need to suspect you’re crazy, not know you are and not so soon.

I saw the tip of Paul’s cigar light up in front of his face.
 
He leaned forward and put another piece of wood on the top of their fire pit before he pushed it around with a stick.

“Yeah,” Paul agreed then “that’s not all of it though.
 
I hear her whispering in the other room sometimes.
 
At the table she keeps glancing at the other chair or behind me, over my head.
 
She’ll nod or smile when she thinks I’m not looking then the next minute she flinches like she’s been yelled at and she’s trying to hold back tears.
 
She threw her plate at her front door yesterday and stormed off to the bedroom.”

I deserved that
.

Think what’s been put on her, Paul,” Ray said.
 
“She believes she’ll lose you, she’s not going to make it.
 
She told me before she went to Pilot that someone interferes so she probably doesn’t know who.
 
We know he’s given her other things to do that she can’t talk about so we have no idea how much more stress that’s putting on her.
 
But I agree with Denis.
 
As long as she’s only a danger to herself or to us we keep looking after her.”

“She needs Andre,” Paul said, “I know that.
 
But I don’t know if she’s imagining him to try and feel strong or if he’s really taking her over.”

“Paul,” Denis said, “nobody here is going to let her down.
 
We’ll stick with her as long as we have to.
 
But if she’s a problem you have to be sure before you put her down.
 
It’s your responsibility.
 
Both to do it and to make sure it’s the right thing.”

“If you’re not around we’ll stand in for you for both if you choose us,” Ray said.
 
“Remember it’s a kindness to her.
 
If it’s that bad she’s suffering.
 
And it protects the family from the weakness of her failed upbringing.”

“If you’ll accept being my alternates I’d be grateful,” Paul said.
 
“I don’t doubt that either one of you will make the right decision or fail to act.
 
I don’t care to live on without her.
 
If we have to do it I won’t be far behind.
 
But that will be by my hand.”

Chapter 55

The last time I dreamed of Alina and
I
dead at Paul’s feet he kissed my lips softly and apologized for killing us then he gently put my head down into the pool of blood.
 
He sat on the floor next to me, stroking my cheek with his fingers as he had when I was alive.
 
I heard metal on something softer, echoing and rattling and I realized the metal was in his mouth.
 
The gunshot was deafening.
 
He twitched for what seemed like a very long time, gently bumping me, until he was still.

The alley faded and the ground lost its coldness.
 
I became aware of a long line of lights leading off into the distance, then the fake gold decoration around them.
 
I was upright, breathing, watching the policeman’s uniformed back outside Alina’s apartment door.

We’d been just a few days from returning to Paul’s.
 
According to the calendar we had left the compound the day before.
 
I’d butted heads with Ray about returning to the doctor in
Reno
.
 
The pregnancy was five weeks further along than it should be which Ray felt would easily be explained by a big baby since nobody would suspect time travel but there really wasn’t anything they needed to test at the hospital that he wasn’t already keeping an eye on.
 
The other argument was whether we should jump back or drive.
 
I didn’t want to sit in the truck that long and Ray didn’t want me going two days without food again sleeping off the trip.
 
Either since the pregnancy was draining or because my jumps were becoming more complicated in terms of timing and extra passengers I had gone from sleeping eighteen hours to nearly two days.
 
Paul insisted I use him again since he bounced back so much faster than I did but to me that felt like I was violating him even with his permission.
 
Either way I had no intention of returning home with them.

I thought I’d only seen Alina again to learn about Andre but there I was back again that same awful night.
 
I quickly checked for my passport and found it.

“Excuse me,” I called to the policemen after James and the other paramedic took the gurney in.
 
“That’s my sister’s apartment.”

The same one approached as last time.

“Who’s your sister?”

I told him then he disappeared with my passport again he let me in.
 
We took her to the hospital again.
 
At her bedside I gave her the same talk about how she loved her baby boy after she said she was going to ask for an abortion.
 
She changed her mind.
 
After we were both discharged from the hospital she phoned in a prescription for codeine for me.
 
She’d noticed my limp and the pain I was in and thought it was the least she could to.
 
I picked it up when I got hers then instead of buying groceries I arranged to have them delivered so I wouldn’t be on my feet any more than I had to.
 
We got takeout, took our pain pills and went to sleep early watching the TV in her room.

When I woke up alone back in my own bed Andre was standing in the doorway.

It’s time, Anna.

I knew it was.
 
I hadn’t taken anything out on Paul since my nasty outburst after my last trip to see Alina.
 
He was still completely disinterested in me physically and I had lost interest in him but he was kind and helpful, making sure I had everything I needed when I was too sore to get around.
 
I knew Paul thought I was crazy so I did my best to appear normal.
 
To me though Paul was an intrusion.
 
All I wanted was Andre.

Paul still went out at night.
 
I knew why now but he didn’t know that.

I pushed myself up out of bed.
 
On the way to the kitchen I took the blanket I used when I slept on the couch and wrapped it around my shoulders.
 
I turned off the stove fan light and sat at the table.
 
Andre sat with me.

“How long was I gone, Andre?”

Just a few minutes.

I was angry about Alina all over again.
 
I was in pain.
 
And I thought that the broken heart I was walking into was going to do me in long before Damian would find me.
 
I wanted Andre to numb me.
 
To take me to bed one last time but now I had to be strong and get Paul out of my life for a while.

The numbers on the stove clock counted from half past two until a few minutes after three before I heard the lock quietly pop open.
 
Paul’s shape stepped in silently and he held the latch open as he closed the door and slowly turned it back into place once it was completely shut.
 
Then he turned the little dial in the knob to lock it back up.
 
He was nearly through the kitchen when I spoke.

“Had an itch Paul?” I asked.
 
I was surprised by the coldness in my voice but I was sending him away for his own good and needed to use everything I had.

He froze.

“Anna?
 
What are you doing up?”

“I’m asking about your itch you son of a bitch.”
 
I could feel my voice trying to break.

“I …” he paused.
 
“What itch?”

“I know I’m young and inexperienced Paul but I’m not stupid.”

“What are you talking about Anna?
 
You’re none of those things.”
 
But he sounded confused and I could taste his temper.
 
Caution.
 
He was hiding something but not what I was accusing him of.

“Old habits?”
I asked.
 
Anger about Alina pulled on me making me louder.
 
“How long has it been going on?
 
Since we got back?
 
You’ve been going missing at night for weeks.”

“I … a while,” he admitted.
 
I’d just caught him sneaking in the door.
 
He couldn’t deny it but he didn’t like my challenge.
 
I could hear that.
 
“How did you find out?”

He thought I was asking about their nightly patrols.
 
I stood up and stomped toward him until I was just a step away and bust into tears.
 
Angry, angry tears.

“You’ve been sleeping around you unfaithful bastard.”

“What?”
 
That blindsided him.

“Where did you meet her?”
 
Between sobs I was yelling.
 
Paul didn’t know if he should come closer or step back.
 
“Running at the dam, the lake?
 
Is she just easy or did you use your charm on her?
 
Were you still thinking about her when you walked back through my door?”