Deadly Expectations (76 page)

“Anna … no,” he sounded relieved.
 
He thought I’d simply misunderstood.
 
That pissed me off more.

“Nothing like—,” he said.

“Nothing else explains why you leave me alone so much!” I yelled back.

“Anna I—,” he tried.

“Was it in the back of my car?”

“I said I didn’t—,”

“Up against a God damn tree?”

“I didn’t sleep around!” he bellowed back.
 
Interrupting him had pushed the right button.

“Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!”

The pictures I had started making in my head of him with someone else made me sick.
 
I held my stomach and started rocking on my feet to try and steady it.
 
The heartburn was bad enough; if everything came up it was going to hurt a lot.

“Go to your room!”
 
Paul yelled.
 
His arm was raised, pointing down the hallway.
 

He would rather fight about his imaginary affair than admit he’d been out on watch around my house.
 
I lost the battle with my stomach and went to lean over the sink.
 
Paul didn’t move until things started coming up so I put my hand up like a stop sign to tell him to stay away.
 
He’d gone around my arm and tried to put a hand on my back.
 
I pushed it away.
 
It felt like I was choking on puke; gasping to cry at the same time I was heaving.
 
He didn’t back off but he didn’t try touching me again.

“You don’t want it here anymore.
  
You won’t touch me.
 
The only part of me you want now is the baby,” I whispered.
 
The yelling and vomiting had left my throat raw.

“No Anna,” he said, keeping it short so he wouldn’t get cut off.

“You couldn’t wait?
 
Or would you have done it anyway?”
 
I held back tears again.

“I didn’t.”

“Am I that h … .h … .hideous now?”
 
The sobs had started again.
 
I focused again on Alina to get my anger back.
 
Paul was softening since I got sick and I needed him angry again if I was going to get him to walk out.

“No.”

I pulled the blanket up over my mouth.
 
I could taste the bile and wanted to wash it back down with half a bottle of antacid but first thing was first.

“Are you just sticking around to protect your investment now?”
 
I wasn’t sure if I was getting my voice back or just forcing it out.
 
Either way it hurt.
 
“You know just what to say, don’t you?
 
To keep me loving you.
 
To keep me thinking I’m all you want.
 
Keep me needing you.

“It’s just too easy for you to keep your hands off me now.”
 
I stuck an arm out of my blanket cocoon and wiped my eyes on my sleeve.
 
“God damn cheating son of a bitch.”

“I didn’t Anna, you’ll see that when you calm down.”

“This isn’t my fault!”
 
I yelled.
 
I thought of Alina.
 
Of Damian leaving her as soon as he was sure he didn’t have to get on top of her any more.
 
“Why do I have to calm down?
 
At least Damian wouldn’t stick around to screw with my feelings when he didn’t have to screw me any more to get a child.”

That did it.

“You are a paranoid miserable bitch,” he blew up at me.
 
“There hasn’t been anyone else since I found you.
 
I haven’t been looking.
 
I haven’t wanted to.
 
I’m what you need now.
 
That’s how I look after you.

“Kenny came back the day you took off in
Edmonton
.
 
He told Denis there were two men looking for you.
 
Denis paid him and he left.
 
He hasn’t been back.
 
We’ve been watching the house at night.
 
Looking after you.
 
You ungrateful … .ungrateful …” he struggled with what to call me.

“Is that what you were doing when I was throwing up the pictures in my head of you with someone else?
 
Trying to come up with that pathetic excuse?
 
You would have told me.”
 
I burst into fresh tears.
 
“You promised.
 
You wouldn’t keep that from me.”

“Of course I would keep it from you.
 
Do you really think I would tell you?
 
Make it even harder to look after you?
 
So you could go get your hands all over Kenny again to find out where they went?
 
So you could go get in another fight?
 
You should have come to me about the one in the mall … like you did about the ones at the pond.”

He was breathing hard, just a step away.
 
I’d only wounded him so far.
 
I had to make it much worse.
 
But then this was just the beginning.

“Is that what she is?
 
Payback for Kenny?
 
Go dig it in her to get a dig at me for that?
 
I never would have crossed that line you bastard.”

“There is no she!” he yelled.
 
“Will you get that through your thick stubborn head?”

“Which betrayal is it Paul?
 
Her or some bullshit about watching the house?
 
Maybe it’s both?
 
Dropping the ball on all of us so you could go get your thing on?”

“I liked you better when you knew your place,” he growled.

“Is that why you did it?
 
I’m not delicate enough?
 
Helpless enough?
 
Childish enough?”
 
I yelled back.
 
The tears were drying up.
 
There was just rage now.
 
“I don’t make you feel man enough?
 
You had to go prove yourself with someone else?”

“Every inch of you is childish!” he was shaking now and took a few steps back.
 
“You’re arrogant, stubborn and mean.
 
I can’t stand who you’re turning in to!”

I stepped into his face.
 
My lips were pulled back from my teeth ready to snarl at him.

“Is that what you want?”
 
I lowered my voice and hissed.
 
“A nice normal mate like Marie?
 
Sweet and gentle?”

He didn’t look down at me.

“That’s better than what I have to deal with now.”
 
Good.
 
He was getting madder.

“Why don’t you end this then Paul?”
 
I yelled back.
 
“Knock me around until we’re not tied together any more … go ask Keith for a shot with her?
 
He said he wanted you backing him up.”

“He’d refuse me for that.”

“Really?
 
You want me to do it?”
 
I put my hands on his chest and pushed him toward the wall.
 
He pushed back but he kept his hands down so I stepped to the table and picked up a chair.
 
I wasn’t trying to miss.
 
The chair crashed into the wall where he’d been standing but he saw it coming and was in the living room before it left my hands.
 
I picked up another one and threw it as he stepped back in to the kitchen but he backed up as it went tumbling down the hall.
 
The twisting to throw put my lower back in a vice.

“God damn it Anna!”

I had another chair.

“You’re a cheater and a liar Paul.
 
Your word is dirt with me.
 
You’re no partner at all.”
 
I felt half blind with anger; blamed him for every blow Damian laid on Alina.

“You know what you say when sorry isn’t enough Anna?”
 
My ears hurt he was so loud.

“Yeah Paul, get out of my house!”

We both stood shaking for a moment then he pulled his ring off and put it on the counter.
 
My door slammed so hard behind him the house shook.
 
I took a deep breath and started crying.
 

I turned the stove light on and took my necklace off.
 
It hadn’t been undone since he put it on me.
 
I strung his ring on it and did it back up.
 
It wouldn’t come off again until he took the ring back.
 
Even if that took forever.

In my room Andre held me while I cried.

It’s not over yet Anna, you still have to show him you’re insane to get him away from here.

When I could see again I got my bag and stuffed a handful of cash in the bottom.
 
Then my knife, gun, bathroom things and a couple of changes of clothes.
 
In my bottom desk drawer I had a few things handy for getting into cars.
 
I took those too.
 
I dressed and brushed my teeth, got my coat and boots on and opened my door.

Paul leaned against the door frame, one hand on either side.
  
I stopped and crossed my arms and watched him.

“What just happened?” he asked after a couple of minutes.

I said nothing.

“Is this your big plan to keep me out of the way?
 
Piss me off with some bullshit about an affair then throw me out?
 
That’s weak Anna.
 
You can do better than that.”

I tried to duck out under his arm but he lowered it to block my way and kept his hands on the frame.
 
He was mad at me.
 
Disappointed.
 
In love.
 
Hoping it was just a pregnant rant.

“I’m not going to stop loving you,” he said.
 
“You don’t have to do this alone.”

But I wasn’t.
 
He didn’t get it.
 
I’d promised our daughter I would do whatever it took to keep him away.

“I’m not leaving you … can I come in?” he asked.
 
“Please?”

I took my pack off and put it on the floor beside the door then I stepped back out of the way.
 
Paul sighed with relief and stepped in.
 
He wouldn’t leave.
 
I was ready for that.
 
As I packed I’d been focusing on my blue light and what I would do with it.

Paul put his coat over the back of one of the chairs still at the table and turned on the kitchen light.
 
He looked at my bag.

“Are you really that ready to leave me tonight?”

I looked down and didn’t answer, still focusing on the last thing I had to do to Paul.
 
Both my body and my mind.
 
He approached cautiously.
 
First he put his hands on my elbows.
 
I thought about smacking them away and my arms tensed up but I didn’t.
 
When they relaxed he moved in closer and slipped his arms around behind me.
 
I tightened mine across my ribs.

“You’re so angry,” he whispered as he smelled my hair.
 
“That’s not your shampoo … you’ve been with Alina again.”